Hope Deferred
After speaking the first time at the women’s retreat, there was an extended time of worship and prayer from 9:30pm-11pm for anyone who wanted to stay and linger in the presence of the Lord. Not wanting to be in the center of things, I got up from the front row and moved my bag and myself near the back and sat down in an empty seat. A moment later a woman came back from somewhere and started to sit next to me. “Oh, did I take your seat?” I asked. “No, but this is the perfect because I have a word from God for you, and I wasn’t sure how to tell you.” I nodded slowly, a little skeptical, “test all things” quietly running through my mind. She shared a vision she’d had, and immediately I knew it was God. My eyes filled with tears as she finished by saying, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” I knew that verse. Proverbs 13:12. I hugged her, sincerely grateful that she’d been obedient to the Lord. At the time I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but now I do.
I do feel a little sick in my heart. I feel like Jeff and I have been waiting for almost 4 years for God to let us “back in the ballgame” of full time ministry, to walk in the calling that we know He has for us. Yes, these years have been great. Yes, I am grateful. Yes, I am content to serve in whatever capacity, even if it’s not in “ministry.” But at the same time, I would be lying if I said that we’re satisfied with where we are. And today, there is no other way to describe it other than that “hope deferred makes a heart sick.” I’m tempted to wallow, I’m tempted to whine (and I may, but not here!), but all I can do in good conscience is be honest before God, myself, and you, and say that I’m weary of waiting. I’m weary of wondering where we’re going to live and how on earth we’re going to pay the bills. We finish classes in less than a week and after that it’s sort of a black hole of unknowns. So today, my heart’s a little sick.
It’s not the end of the world–just a little heart-sickness. This too shall pass. And I can say in confidence, that when our longing is fulfilled, it will be a tree of life. Anything precious in my life has been worth the wait. So by faith I’m asking God to help my sick heart, when hope is deferred, and to help me to trust Him for good things in store, whatever they may be.