Tonight Jeff and I visited a church in West Linn. We’ve been there three times and every time I have cried my way through the whole service. I know it’s not that the church is magic, but through
incredible worship and great teaching, God has just profoundly ministered to me in personal ways each time. Plus, we’ve connected with people right away. It just feels like a breath of fresh air (plus Dutch loves playing in the nursery–how can you top that?). It’s fun to have a Saturday night church service where we just show up and receive. I love serving and ministering, but it’s sure a blessing to just sit and breathe in sometimes too, you know?
Tonight there was a guest speaker, a guy from Woodlands church in Texas, associate pastor to Kerry Shook who wrote One Month to Live. I find it highly unfortunate that Joel Osteen endorses this book…because it really sounds like a great creative tool. Not that he ruins it, but I think of Ecclesiastes 10:1 “ Dead flies putrefy the perfumer’s ointment, And cause it to give off a foul odor; So does a little folly to one respected for wisdom and honor.” Sorry, not that Joel Osteen is a dead fly, but I find it hard to believe that Jesus would preach Your best life now…in fact I distinctly remember Jesus saying our best life comes later…
Anyway, I’m not letting the endorsement ruin the fact that God greatly ministered to me tonight. The guest speaker has himself been greatly impacted and he shared the story of TerriLynn (you can click there to watchher video testimony). After 30 years of marriage, her husband served her divorce papers on Christmas day. Her two sons were away at college, and she was left alone–he husband took everything. Three months later, she received a call that her son had been murdered. Murdered. In three months everything was stripped away. She read through this book and took to heart the part about Forgive Completely. She was so challenged she chose and continues to work through real, true, complete forgiveness. So much so that when she was allowed to make a statement at her son’s murderer’s trial (he pled guilty), she stood and read a page long statement about grace, forgiveness, and the gospel. She prayed for her son’s murderer, and proclaimed that if his life was changed, saved by Christ, and used to turn others to Jesus, then her son’s death was not in vain. Her statement was so incredible that the judge requested a copy, insisting that he’d never heard anything of its kind in his entire career as judge.
As a result, she prayed for her son’s murderer. He contacted the prison chaplain and gave his life to Christ. Weeks later he was baptized. She has remained in contact with him. She has come to know that he had no family, no parents to raise him, no one. After several months of communication with her, he timidly asked if she would please consider, if she would not be offended, that since he had never had a mother, if he would call her Mom. She agreed. She has committed to praying for him, as her own. She has rejoiced seeing him grow in Christ, earn a GED, and begin sharing his faith with others. The genuine joy in her life is astonishing…as if he were her own son, when in reality he is the one who took the very life of her own son. That is amazing grace.
Understanding forgiveness. Our text for the service was John 13, Jesus washing the disciples feet. And the message on forgiveness, of understanding how GREAT, how COMPLETE, how AWESOME is our forgiveness in CHrist, brought me to tears, weeping through the songs we sang at the close, as we took part in communion and shared in CHrist’s body and blood. Oh that Jesus would never let my heart grow calloused to how great is His gift!! Oh that I would never be the ungrateful servant who refuses to forgive others when I have been forgiven so much! Oh that He would keep my heart tender and soft and responsive to Him.
At the end of the sermon, we were each given a small white towel, spotless, brilliantly white, clean. It was meant as a reminder of Jesus’ humble act, washing the disciples feet, but also as a reminder of how spotlessly brilliantly clean we are in Christ. Though our sins were as scarlet He’s made us white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). How perfect and spotless this white towel is, that I clutched to my chest as I thought of my Jesus, who gave His all so my towel would be white.
So I’m thankful tonight. I haven’t read the book, not sure if I will (I know, goes back to that thing with me and only reading dead people’s books). But I was certainly ministered to by the story of TerriLynn, of her remarkable example of extending the grace that we have received, and of a fresh reminder, in the form of a towel, of Christ’s effective and glorious work on the cross. We’ve been forgiven much. Lord, let us love much.
For my last teaching assignment this term at Multnomah (I love to teach, but I’m glad this is the last one–it wears me out!), my mentor asked me to share some on what I taught at the last women’s retreat–the God of Disappointment–specifically as it relates to ministry. As I’ve been thinking and praying through what “Expectancy without Expectation” means in the ministry realm, the thing that comes back to me over and over is that we are constantly in danger of engaging in
Results-Driven Ministry.
Results-Driven Ministry, very obviously, occurs what we do is determined by the results that are achieved … a subtle form of pragmatism. We do “what works”, and we determine success based on a set of goals or checklist that we formulate in our minds. If we see something that “God is blessing” in another church or ministry, we adopt a similar method.
And this relates to the idea of living in Expectancy without Expectation in relation to our ministry involvement. Expectancy is believing God for great things. Expectation is telling God what those things are. So as I think back through the study on understanding Disappointment, I think of how often my disappointments are nothing more than faulty expectations, doing ministry for the sake of results, rather than for sake of obedience, leaving the results to God.
Lastly, Jeff got me thinking about faithfulness and fruitfulness. We know that we are rewarded according to our faithfulness not according to our fruitfulness because fruitfulness is determined by God alone. However, he brought up a good point, that our fruitfulness will ALWAYS exceed what it “should” in relation to our faithfulness. Meaning, we will never be faithful enough to deserve how fruitful God makes us. Oh boy this is true! I think of some amazingly fruitful ministry experiences–the women’s retreat, teaching, discipleship. How little I was faithful! Really, if only you know how little I pray, how little I am disciplined and consistent, how little I am faithful…and yet how gracious God is to make us fruitful. We have our perspective WAY skewed if we actually think that our teeny acts of faithfulness actually are proportionate to how fruitful God allows us to be. We are “adoring spectators” in God’s work rather than instruments. It’s all His work
So, just preliminary thoughts. I want do dive into this a little more. Just starting to connect the dots. Food for thought.
Today we celebrate six months of LiveDifferent Challenges. Six months! This excites me, partly because, to be honest, it means that in six months I can actually buy clothes again. :-) (I know, I’m not completely redeemed). But I thought today I’d just reflect on what God’s been showing me the past six months and then see if anyone’s interested in joining along…just until April 1.
For those of you just joining along, six months I started a clothes fast, meaning that I’m not buying clothes for one year. Committing terrified me, but I really felt like this was something God wanted for me. On an encouraging note, I’ve realized I’m really not a clothes hog–and I don’t even really like to shop. And as I added up how much I actually spent on clothes in one year, I don’t think I was anywhere near the $500 that I’d estimated and agreed to give to Gospel for Asia in leiu of shopping for a year. These are encouraging things to discover. But, what I did discover is how much I rely on a a new shirt or new pair of jeans or something to make me feel better about myself. As I was reading through Love & Respect, Eggerich makes the point that when men say “I have nothing to wear,” it means “I have nothing clean“. When women say “I have nothing to wear” it means “I have nothing new.” And that’s really it. There are times when I’m down in the dumps or when I’m going somewhere special, and in order to compensate for feeling not-so-great about myself, I rely on a new something-something to give me the boost.
So, I’ve said this before, there is nothing wrong with beauty. We’re drawn to beauty, God loves beauty, but we’re told in Scipture to let our beauty be of the hidden person of the heart, the gentle and quiet spirit of woman (note ladies that is not describing your personality, it’s describing your spirit.) So when I rely on a new something to boost my confidence and make me feel better, I’m relying on a crutch, a false confidence that fades. This doesn’t mean that I will never buy new clothes again, but I’m so thankful for the fact that for this short season (a year isn’t really that long), I don’t have that option. I don’t have the option of going to a crutch. If I feel insecure or fat or generally blah–guess where I can lean? On Jesus Christ, the only one who support the true weight of my need.
Let me tell you this has truly challenged me at times. I feel plenty spicy and cute at home…I have the most doting husband in the world who sees me in gym shorts and starts drooling. But there are times, and sometimes the least expected times, when I find myself longing for a little something to make myself feel better. Visiting Applegate church of all places (can ya please tell me why ALL the girls there look like supermodels???) or hanging out with my cute sassy friends. There are those moments of weakness, of insecurity, when a little extra work on the outside would convince me that I’m ok. But what a false crutch! And without the crutch being taken away, how could I learn to lean ever more readily on the Arm of the One who loves me so dearly, who gave His life for me, and who is the only reason I am valued, prized, cherished beyond measure.
I know it is no coincidence that only 1 1/2 months after starting this fast I (surprise!) got pregnant. This has been the true challenge. Now yes, I made a provision in the fast that IF I were to get pregnant, I was allowed things from goodwill in the event that I truly needed things to cover my growing belly. To date I have gotten two jackets and a long tanktop in order to facilitate Heidi’s growing little self, but I also don’t want to use that provision as a means of doing the same thing–relying on a crutch, even if the crutch is just a smelly shirt from goodwill. So I’m purposing to really keep that at a minimum.
Pregnancy, coupled with the clothes fast, has kicked both crutches out from under me in one fell swoop: A thin trim body and nice clothes…both gone. These were my crutches. I recently received an email from a girl I knew almost 10 years ago. Years ago she struggled with an eating disorder, and has since recovered. But now she’s pregnant, and she wrote to me, desperately wanting to know how to stay sane and confident when her body is out of control and chubby beyond belief! I wish I was the authority on this, I’m not, but I at least knew the answer, even if I can’t say I always live it. The answer is this: It’s easy to say we’re “over” something, when the thing is under control (i.e. we are fit and trim), but it’s quite another thing to demonstrate our freedom from crutches when that thing is not under control (we’re pregnant and chubby and emotional and feeling all-around gross). That’s the true test of our freedom–will we lean on Christ, or will we try to find another crutch? Lord, help us lean on you!
We all have different crutches. And just because we live in a world where crutches are the norm doesn’t mean that they are God’s best. God has something so much greater for us–a life freed from crutches! A life where we don’t have to rely on vanity or money or success or affirmation in order to make ourselves ok. The clothes fast is just a tiny way to illustrate my desire to live freed from crutches, little by little, kicking them out from under me.
We have six months left. I’m curious if you have any crutches that come to mind? Is there anything that God might ask you to give up, just for six months, in order to illustrate your need for Him, your utter dependence on Him? He doesn’t need our fasts…but we sure do. If there is something, I’d encourage you to pray about joining me, just for the last six months. If it’s something that you buy, we can give the money that you normally spend to an organization like Gospel for Asia, where you can buy chickens, goats, rabbits, and other farm livestock to support hungry families in Asia.
Our world is full of people: poor and wealthy, beautiful and plain, successful and mediocre–who are all gimping around on crutches. Outward appearance won’t reveal them–but they’re there. Let’s pray and ask God to show us how we can LiveDifferent by refusing a life lived on crutches. Let’s kick them out, as best as we know how. Amen?
—–
The Rest of the Story:
I actually wrote this post yesterday afternoon, since I knew Friday would be a busy day. However, something happened last night, and I knew I needed to include the rest of the story… The truth of the matter is also that God is the most amazing, gracious, creative God who loves to bless us more than we deserve (who deserves anything?). About a month ago, when I was lamenting the fact that none of my jeans fit anymore, my friend Caila out of the blue announced that she was shipping me (from Hawaii!), a pair of her jeans! A few days later I was blessed with jeans that actually fit! That’s God’s sweet provision.
Then tonight. I look at my own little teeny tiny obediences and they are just that–so incredibly teeny tiny. And God who clothes the birds of the air and lillies of the field knows how to take care of us! Tonight I opened the front door to welcome Jeff and there was a huge box sitting on my front porch, with Old Navy logos all over the outside. What?? I certainly knew I didn’t order anything, and though my husband is amazing and wonderful, I was fairly certain it wasn’t him either. My mom doesn’t buy me clothes (unless I pick them out), so I was completely perplexed. I open the box and to my amazement there was basically an entire maternity wardrobe! A SUPER cute pair of dark rinse maternity jeans, a black pair of pants, three super cute maternity shirts in perfect neutral colors, and a maternity zip-up hoodie. All my size, all fitting perfectly. Who on earth would splurge to buy me an entire wardrobe?
I read the card and almost start crying. A dear friend, a high school acquaintance, who I’ve only recently become dear friends with through letters. In fact, I haven’t even seen her since we graduated high school, and when I called and left her a voice mail thanking her, I was shocked to realize I didn’t really even know her voice–because we only communicate through writing. She, out of sweet selfless generosity, chose to splurge and bless me. This little angel who is a constant source of quiet encouragment, support, and prayer…it was her. And I was completely undone. Undone by her, undone by God.
You see God is in all this. Something so simple as maternity clothes for my growing belly. God clothes the birds and the flowers…who are we to be afraid that if we kick out the crutches we won’t be able to stand? God not only makes us stand, He spoils us, splurges on us, gives us little kisses of delight that we so don’t deserve.
So I end this post wanting you to know the rest of the story. The rest of the story is GOD. A gaze fixed on GOD will never be disappointed. I’m amazed and blessed by not only my friend, but also the amazing God behind the scene.
Jesus Jesus how I trust Him, how I’ve proved Him o’er and o’ver. Jesus Jesus precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.
(Thank you, friend…you know who you are. I love you so much.)
Right now I’m finishing up the book
Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I know, I should have read it ages ago–it’s been all the rage. Confession time–I don’t like reading Christian pop-culture books (ones that make it to Coscto). I steer clear of hardbacks, anything purpose-driven, and though Max Lucado is a beloved brother in the Lord and I respect him greatly…it’s not for me. Perhaps it’s my husband’s influence, but I prefer to read dead people. Give me a cup of tea and AW Tozer, Andrew Murray, Henri Nouwen, or CS Lewis. Mmm. The one exception is John Piper, but he writes like he’s dead. :-) Anyway, so suffice it to say that I haven’t read
Love & Respect but it was actually assigned to me in my Biblical Foundations of Family Ministry class. So I dove in.
I must also confess that I don’t really like reading marriage books. I always feel like they stereotype men and women so ridiculously that Jeff and I both wind up saying, “I don’t feel like that!” And I admit that when Eggerichs started out with the blue and pink number, explaining that women have pink earplugs and pink megaphones and men have blue earplugs and blue megaphones, I almost threw the book across the room. But I smiled to myself and kept reading, and was blessed and challenged to say the least.
The premise of the book is obvious and yet transforming: understanding that God for a reason commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect (not love) their husbands. The love thing is obvious. We all talk about love, Jesus talked about love–love love love love. But although we often talk about unconditional love being a requirement in marriage, we never talk about unconditional respect. It sounds like an oxymoron. We expect respect to be earned, and to a degree it is, the same way that love is earned. But love as a choice is not earned, and neither is respect as a choice. Eggerichs’ point is that when we, as wives, give respect, husbands naturally respond by giving love. The result–both needs are met.
The last 2/3 of the book has a section for men and a section for women. The section for women uses the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S, (I admirably laid aside my dislike for acronyms), and I was C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E-D. The six areas where Eggerichs says men need respect are:
- Conquest: his desire to work and achieve;
- Heirarchy: His desire to protect and provide;
- Authority: His desire to serve and to lead;
- Insight: His desire to analyze and counsel;
- Relationship: His desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship; and
- Sexuality: His desire for (surprise!) sexual intimacy.
Things that challenged me were realizing how often we as women “mother” our husbands. We spend the entire day mothering our children, telling them to put things away, correcting their behavior, and providing for their physical needs, and then “Daddy” comes home and is treated like one of the children. I was even convicted about how I often refer to “my boys”–Jeff and Dutch. I mean it in the most loving way, because they are my two most precious males, but it can also put Jeff on the same level as Dutch–a child to be mothered. Not exactly helpful to his masculinity.
I also was hugely challenged and blessed by this one litmus test question, a question I could ask at any time to determine if I am treating my husband with the respect he deserves: Is this the way I would want my daughter-in-law treating Dutch someday? Ouch. Ok I am the vicious Mama-bear with Dutch and the thought of some little floozy disrespecting him makes my claws and fangs appear. Then how on earth can I think that it is ever ok to treat Jeff with less than absolute respect?
We think that Aretha Franklin, a woman, owns the Respect song, but the truth is that it was written by a man, two years earlier, as a song to sing to his wife. Perhaps it really is the cry of men’s hearts. Perhaps a simple, “Thank you for working so hard for our family” or “I really respect the way you make decisions for us” or asking his opinion or advice on issues with the kids, finances, details of life. Maybe God knew all along (!) that respect was really what men’s hearts so desperately needed. Perhaps we, as women, need to humble ourselves and in grace and faith begin to give our husbands the respect, not necessarily that they deserve at all times, but that God commands. I certainly don’t deserve Jeff’s love, but he always gives it.
Father, show us how to be strong women who are brave enough to humble ourselves and show unconditional respect. Show us how we’ve erred, sinned, acted in haughty arrogance and pride. Show us where we’ve considered ourselves more highly than we ought, where we’ve disrespected our husbands and refused to confess our wrong. Help us, Lord, to glorify you with the way we treat our husbands. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The final five insights are presented as Pitfalls to Avoid. We know what to do, let’s consider briefly what not to do.
11. Avoid Making “Mini-Me’s”. Yes, we want our disciples to imitate us, but only as a means of imitating Christ. My goal is to make Christians not Karians. If in any way you sense that you are leading your disciples after yourself instead of after Christ, stop, reevaluate, and redirect your ministry. As Professor Clemen prayed for me once after speaking at a retreat: “I pray that Kari would fade away and Your Truth would remain.” Fade away.
12. Avoid Wanting Them to Do Well, But Not Too Well. Sadly, it is possible for us to feel threatened when a disciple of ours flourishes spiritually or has talent in such a way that they exceed us. I’ve had to accept this often! Caila quickly proved to be an incredibly gifted writer, speaker, actor, and Bible teacher. Even now, I read her blog, and think, “Man, she’s so much cooler than me!” :-) But this is the goal! Our goal is that our disciples would be humbler, stronger, and more effective followers of CHrist than we are. We decrease. They increase. Jesus said we would do even greater things that He did. We must desire that our disciples do even greater things than we do. This can be hard when your disciples become super spiritual leaders and forget about you! I remember once feeling hurt because someone I spent years pouring into seemed to become so lofty and forget that I’d been anything to her. But I soon realized that was nothing but my pride rearing its ugly head. We give not so we can be appreciated or celebrated. We give so others may gain.
Again, my mentor professor is an excellent example of this. She’s given me incredible opportunities because she explains that she is not in the position she’s in (as a female seminary professor, a rare privilege), to revel in her own glory. She is there to open doors for students like me. That is why I’m even getting to teach this class! Because she’s not afraid to kick open the door and let those below her dream and flourish.
13. Avoid Loving the Love. The truth is that your disciple(s) will probably fall in love with you. And chances are they will probably tell you how great you are. Thank them, praise God, and then forget about it. Constantly guard your heart against living for the praise of people. As Paul said to his disciples, “Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others” (1 Thess 2:6). Know your identity in Christ, your worth as a daughter of God, and receive your praise from Him. It’s certainly not wrong to receive and thank girls for encouraging you, in fact I’m SO THANKFUL for people who encourage! But the minute you start being fueled by praise is the minute you’re on the wrong track.
14. Avoid Making People into Projects. Jeff once had an older man tell him, (after he criticized Jeff openly in front of the rest of the team) ”We [the ministry team he was on] are just here to help build your character and grow you up.” Awesome. I feel the love. No one likes to be a project. If you are trying to “fix” people, don’t disciple. If you love people, you’re on the right track. Of course we’re hoping for our disciples to grow and change, but talking to them like they are a project won’t open their hearts to you one bit.
On a similar note, if you ever find thinking about your disciples as if they are projects, stop and pray and ask God to change your heart. They are people. Think about the way you’d like to be treated. Love is the greatest motivator. Love them into change.
15. Avoid Only Discipling People Just Like You. I learned this lesson in Loving Rebecca (under Featured–I’d encourage you to read it!). Rebecca opened my eyes to seeing that I tended to only disciple girls who were just like me. She enabled me to see things about myself and stretched me in ways I’d never experienced. While we naturally tend to be drawn to those who are similar to ourselves, don’t hesitate to disciple someone who you know will stretch your limits a little.
Thank you for reading. As parting words I give you the Apostle Paul, whose life embodied these principles, who was possibly the most effective non-Deity discipler of all time. 
4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. 5 For neither at any time did we use flattering words, as you know, nor a cloak for covetousness—God is witness. 6 Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, when we might have made demands as apostles of Christ. 7 But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children. 8 So, affectionately longing for you, we were well pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God, but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us. 9 For you remember, brethren, our labor and toil; for laboring night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, we preached to you the gospel of God.
10 You are witnesses, and God also, how devoutly and justly and blamelessly we behaved ourselves among you who believe; 11 as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged[b] every one of you, as a father does his own children, 12 that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory. 1 Thess. 2:4-12
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