R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to HIM
Right now I’m finishing up the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I know, I should have read it ages ago–it’s been all the rage. Confession time–I don’t like reading Christian pop-culture books (ones that make it to Coscto). I steer clear of hardbacks, anything purpose-driven, and though Max Lucado is a beloved brother in the Lord and I respect him greatly…it’s not for me. Perhaps it’s my husband’s influence, but I prefer to read dead people. Give me a cup of tea and AW Tozer, Andrew Murray, Henri Nouwen, or CS Lewis. Mmm. The one exception is John Piper, but he writes like he’s dead. 🙂 Anyway, so suffice it to say that I haven’t read Love & Respect but it was actually assigned to me in my Biblical Foundations of Family Ministry class. So I dove in.
I must also confess that I don’t really like reading marriage books. I always feel like they stereotype men and women so ridiculously that Jeff and I both wind up saying, “I don’t feel like that!” And I admit that when Eggerichs started out with the blue and pink number, explaining that women have pink earplugs and pink megaphones and men have blue earplugs and blue megaphones, I almost threw the book across the room. But I smiled to myself and kept reading, and was blessed and challenged to say the least.
The premise of the book is obvious and yet transforming: understanding that God for a reason commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect (not love) their husbands. The love thing is obvious. We all talk about love, Jesus talked about love–love love love love. But although we often talk about unconditional love being a requirement in marriage, we never talk about unconditional respect. It sounds like an oxymoron. We expect respect to be earned, and to a degree it is, the same way that love is earned. But love as a choice is not earned, and neither is respect as a choice. Eggerichs’ point is that when we, as wives, give respect, husbands naturally respond by giving love. The result–both needs are met.
The last 2/3 of the book has a section for men and a section for women. The section for women uses the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S, (I admirably laid aside my dislike for acronyms), and I was C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E-D. The six areas where Eggerichs says men need respect are:
- Conquest: his desire to work and achieve;
- Heirarchy: His desire to protect and provide;
- Authority: His desire to serve and to lead;
- Insight: His desire to analyze and counsel;
- Relationship: His desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship; and
- Sexuality: His desire for (surprise!) sexual intimacy.
Things that challenged me were realizing how often we as women “mother” our husbands. We spend the entire day mothering our children, telling them to put things away, correcting their behavior, and providing for their physical needs, and then “Daddy” comes home and is treated like one of the children. I was even convicted about how I often refer to “my boys”–Jeff and Dutch. I mean it in the most loving way, because they are my two most precious males, but it can also put Jeff on the same level as Dutch–a child to be mothered. Not exactly helpful to his masculinity.
I also was hugely challenged and blessed by this one litmus test question, a question I could ask at any time to determine if I am treating my husband with the respect he deserves: Is this the way I would want my daughter-in-law treating Dutch someday? Ouch. Ok I am the vicious Mama-bear with Dutch and the thought of some little floozy disrespecting him makes my claws and fangs appear. Then how on earth can I think that it is ever ok to treat Jeff with less than absolute respect?
We think that Aretha Franklin, a woman, owns the Respect song, but the truth is that it was written by a man, two years earlier, as a song to sing to his wife. Perhaps it really is the cry of men’s hearts. Perhaps a simple, “Thank you for working so hard for our family” or “I really respect the way you make decisions for us” or asking his opinion or advice on issues with the kids, finances, details of life. Maybe God knew all along (!) that respect was really what men’s hearts so desperately needed. Perhaps we, as women, need to humble ourselves and in grace and faith begin to give our husbands the respect, not necessarily that they deserve at all times, but that God commands. I certainly don’t deserve Jeff’s love, but he always gives it.
Father, show us how to be strong women who are brave enough to humble ourselves and show unconditional respect. Show us how we’ve erred, sinned, acted in haughty arrogance and pride. Show us where we’ve considered ourselves more highly than we ought, where we’ve disrespected our husbands and refused to confess our wrong. Help us, Lord, to glorify you with the way we treat our husbands. In Jesus’ name. Amen.