I’m still a little in shock. Oh how things can change in a day. Some family of ours, who live in another state, still own a home here that they’ve been renting out. Now they have put it up for sale, and are graciously allowing US to rent it for 1/2 price, provided we keep it beautiful and clean to show it for prospective buyers. Yeah, that’s right, HALF PRICE rent, which is less than any apartment we could ever find. And here’s the miracle…because of that half price rent we can afford to live on the 1/2 time salary that Jeff is on, until we find something else. Is that not incredible? I mean, it’ll still be tight, but it’s a HOUSE for crying out loud, we can skimp on groceries! :-) Plus, this new location is WAY closer to school, so it’ll make commuting to classes easier, and it’s in town, so it won’t be as difficult to live with one car. In fact, Jeff could even take the bus to school from the house. Can I get a hallelujah?!
Anyway, it’s so weird now, realizing that in one week we will live in a different place, after all this time. It’s definitely still a very temporary situation, since the house could sell any day, but we’re so thankful for however many days/weeks/months we get to live there! God’s taking care of us one step at a time…just like the loving Father that He is. Better go now, got a lot of packing to do… 
I’m thankful for the fact that we don’t have a full-time job yet because it meant
Jeff had the freedom to go preach at a church in Wilsonville, and it was awesome! I’m thankful that we’re not big-name famous preacher people becaues it means we got to rub shoulders with these precious saints in this teeny tiny church–they were so sweet!
I’m thankful for my 2nd trimester boost of energy today: 2 Loaves of banana bread, 2 batches of Dutch’s super-duper healthy muffins, fresh bread, dinner made, tomorrow’s lunch made for Jeff, laundry put away, house straightened up, dishes done…need I say more? I’m thankful I had the energy yesterday to make ahead a picnic lunch for us so we didn’t have to spend money on food after church and we ate healthy instead!
I’m thankful for a son who is so flexible he goes into any church nursery and loves it. I’m thankful he flirts with all the elderly ladies and makes their day. I’m thankful he’s thrilled with a peanut butter sandwich and thinks he’s died and gone to heaven if he gets graham crackers too. I’m thankful he read his little picture Bible the entire way there and back the 50 minute drive to and from the church we visited.
I’m thankful for the 1/2 of Costco apple pie I had stuck in the freezer and pulled out for tonight…I’m thankful for Potstickers which mean that dinner’s ready in 8 minutes. I’m thankful for 3 weeks straight of not throwing up! I’m thankful (again) for this amazing comfy bed that I’ve sunk into tonight. I’m thankful that I have a genious husand whose mind can retain the insanity that Greek is…and I’m WAY thankful that I do NOT have to take Greek! I’m thankful it delights him even though the very idea bores me to tears.
I’m thankful for the river where we played tonight and threw rocks. I’m thankful for the horsies up the road and for feeding them grass and watching Dutch squeal with delight as he throws them their food. I’m thankful for a walk with my husband tonight…and I’m thankful that I’m already waddling because it means this baby is growing fast! I’m thankful for the beautiful moment tonight when I tried on my big pregnancy jeans and rejoiced that they are still WAY too big. Yippee! :-) I’m thankful that Dutch is weaning himself. I’m thankful for the scene of the night: Jeff surprising Dutch by running his stroller through the sprinkler! I’m thankful Dutch is now asleep. I’m thankful for bedtimes that are set in stone.
I’m thankful for my laptop, for wireless internet (SO THANKFUL), for facebook Scrabble games with Jeff and Cheyloe, and for evenings like this when I’m in bed by 8:30. So much…these are the thanks of the day.
Isn’t it amazing how relentless our God is? Remember last Sunday (
Lie of Entitlement Vs. Truth of the Loving Father), how I was floored by the message at church on
Numbers 11? Well tonight Jeff and I decided to visit a church, the pastor of which we know, as they have a Saturday night service. We thought we’d make a date out of it, so we packed a little picnic along with plenty of books for Dutch, and trekked into the big town to visit this church. I thought it’d be a great way to spend a Saturday night. I had no idea what I was in store for.
I knew when I walked in that it was no accident we were there. The sermon series? Lessons from the Wilderness, a series on the book of Numbers. Tonight’s message was from Numbers 14…about complaining. What?! I heard that same message last week at a different church? I mean who preaches out of Numbers? Where are the Beatitudes? Two weeks in a row? From two different pastors who have never even heard of each other? Yes. God was and is trying to get my attention.
Tonight’s sermon gripped me even more than last week’s, not because it was better, but just because I was in a place where I had, once again, been in a place of absolute miserable complaining, as you read in my earlier post. I could think of nothing good. What Pastor Joel shared literally had me blubbering tears like a baby, letting my hair fall forward over my face so the people around me wouldn’t be distracted by my weeping. Joel just returned last night from a mission trip to Mexico, where they worked amongst the very poorest there. Not only do they not have homes, the babies wear no diapers, the children have open sores, live in cardboard boxes or little tin can boxes that practically bake them in the summer. He explained that we have this unspoken belief that it’s wrong to complain unless we’re going through something really hard. Then it’s justified. Wrong! The Israelites were going through something really hard, and yet it says that God was grieved by their grumbling, and therefore let the entire generation die in the wilderness. I had never noticed before that in 14:1-2, they actually say “We wish we would have died in the wilderness.” Can you believe they actually say that? ANd then that’s what happens. God says, “Okay, you want to die in the wilderness. It’s going to be a slow 40-year death for your entire generation.”
This about scared the wits out of me. Yes, God is so gracious and loving and merciful, but the fact that I have been full-time whining and complaining is an absolute blasphemy of God’s goodness. Joel talked about how sad we would be as parents if we overheard our children, whom we sacrifice for in order to bless, talking about how miserable they are in our homes. We would be hurt, so sad, and angry. Imagine what it is like for God, who not only hears our words but see our complaining thoughts, after He’s not only provided for us materially, but given us eternal life and forgiveness of sin and escape from damnation!
Joel finished by reading an email, which offers perspective on thankfulness. I didn’t write it all down, but I’m going to put it into my own words, with my own situation. And I’m repenting … again. This time I am purposing in my heart, and asking God for grace to help me, to each and every day begin by writing down what I am thankful for. I have so far to go! I’m seeing that to the degree that we are thankful, that is the degree that we are spiritually mature. I’m basically a spiritual middle schooler then … oh dear. But I’m taking a step, albeit small, in the right direction.
—–
- I’m thankful for living with my parents because the rent is so cheap!
- I’m thankful for my dad spending all day long with Dutch because that means Dutch gets a special relationship with his grandpa that most little boys don’t get.
- I’m thankful Jeff only has a 1/2 time job because that gives him time to take Greek classes.
- I’m thankful for our school debt because it means we’ve had the privilege of higher education.
- I’m thankful for our filthy bathroom because it’s so much better than going to the bathroom in a big pit like we did at missions training camp and like they do in 3rd world countries.
- I’m thankful for migraines and morning sickness because it means I have a precious little life growing in side me!
- I’m thankful for poopy diapers because it means Dutch is healthy!
- I’m thankful for dirty dishes and meals to prepare because it means we are not starving.
- I’m thankful for my weight gain and the fact that my clothes don’t fit right because it means our baby is growing!
- I’m thankful for the zits on my face because…hmm I’ll have to think a while longer about this one.
- I’m thankful for our dirty sheets that need to be changed because they cover the most comfortable bed in the world that I love sinking into every night.
And a few others…
I’m thankful for Corn Flakes, Microwaves, trips to visit the Horsies with Dutch, treks down to the river to throw rocks with Dutch, walks down the driveway, friendly neighbors, absolutely wonderful renters in our homes who always pay their rent on time, parents who love and support us and don’t yell at me even when I’m super grumpy (all the time), a son who laughs and brings me immeasurable joy and who loves being in the nursery at church (any church!) which just blows my mind, perfectly timed messages from God’s Word that bring me to my knees, talented worship leaders who usher me into the throneroom of God, and last but not least, an amazing husband who walks through the mountains and valleys with me.
And I’m thankful for this blog, and for YOU who actually read it! Good night … and thanks!
More dabbling in multiple books–I really think I’ve caught the Jeff bug. In fact, it was he who handed me John Piper’s
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. Why? It went something like this: Kari crying, again. Weeping is more like it. “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t live here. I’m going crazy. It’s not like I have a bad day every once in a while.
Every day is a bad day. I’m depressed; I can hardly get myself out of bed because I hate how every day is. I can’t keep doing this, but I know I can’t say that because I can’t tell God what to do and I’m supposed to be content, and every day I pray and plead with God to help me have joy and be content and not be so bitter and resentful and awful, and I’m supposed to be preparing to speak at this women’s retreat and I have
nothing to say because if I say anything worth saying it will be totally fake. I can’t encourage anyone when I can’t even trust God myself…” This then drowned into more sobbing. Jeff, who listens WAY better than Peter Parker does in Spiderman 3 (and I told him that), listened quietly, stroked my cheek as I cried, and suggested that since I had nothing to pour out for the retreat ladies, I might has well just take more time to “fill up the well” so to speak, by reading something that would nourish my soul. He pulled down
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God and opened it to chapter seven.
So I read one thing that at least gave me an “exercise”, something to do, which always helps. (You have to understand I need baby steps here. I’m sure you’ve surmised by now that I am not doing well. We need baby steps at this point.) The sentence was “Profound good often emerges in a crucible of significant suffering” and then the point was made that perhaps the most trying circumstances are simply those that last a long time. A quick and painful blow can often be endured, while the gnawing ache of disappointment wears us down to the core. So the question asked was this: “What has marked you for good [during this season of suffering]?” Hmm. What has marked me for good? A pretty simple exercise. Let’s see.
1. I’ve written more in the past 13+ months than ever before. 2. Maybe in the end our marriage will be stronger since this year has been so hard. 3. We haven’t spent money on clothes or house stuff. 4. We’ve gotten a lot of school done. Um….
You know what though? The truth is that I just can’t see it yet. I’m still too far in the midst of the circumstance to even see it right. The fact is right now as I sit there trying to think, I can think of ten bad things for every good thing. It’s been SO hard on our marriage. We have less money and more debt than ever before. I feel discouraged and depressed almost all the time, like it takes a supernatural measure of courage to do everday things. We have no close friends nearby. We’ve invested a year in a place where it now seems likely we won’t be long term. We have nowhere to live. We have no job. There are a million three-generation-household-living dynamics that are driving me insane (and I know we drive my parents crazy!). And the worst is that this was my choice, and I should be thankful, I know that, but I’m not. I’m miserable, and every time I think of one thing to be thankful for, there are five things that bombard my mind that are depressing.
So, sorry to get so real and raw with you, but what this has taught me is that I don’t think I’m going to see this one very clearly until later. Time will have to tell what those “good things” are. I just received in the mail my first (self-published) book of The Road to Santa Clara, complete with the cool cover Jeff designed. Now, it’s easy to see all the awesome lessons we learned there. But at the time, I was absolutely miserable and couldn’t see the forest for the trees. So I guess I’m there again. I refuse to be fake here. I refuse to tell you that I’m encouraged and seeing God’s awesome purposes and rejoicing in the midst of my frustrations. Yup, not really there yet. But I’ll at least be honest and vulnerable with you. And one thing I know, I know that will be a time when it will be clear. It’ll make sense. I’ll begin to see the good that arose from this. And you know what? I can honestly say, that even if that time never comes, I’m ok with that. Because God is God. Though my flesh may be destroyed (or my heart), with my eyes I will see God. Though he slay me yet will I trust Him. I will weep and and pour out my heart to Him because He’s said that we can. I will continue to plead with Him for grace. I’ll feel and experience the emotions. But time will have to tell what God makes of all this. ANd that’s ok, because He’s God. I don’t have to understand. It’s ok. And surprising to even myself right now…I’m ok too.
Today is a Slump Day. I woke up way late, frantically manuevered getting myself and Dutch ready (Jeff leaves at 6:45am to get stuff ready at church), hurrying him along nursing, and finally making to church, pulling him out of the car to discover he was loaded with a poopy diaper. Church annoyed me. I know that’s really bad to say, but there are times when overly happy-happy-joy-joy people can just bug the heck out of you when you’re down in the dumps, especially when you’re really trying to seek God and be obedient and the nice neat “obey=happy” equation doesn’t seem to be panning out so well. At any rate, we survived, and I arrive back at home, had my first cheesy bean burrito of the day, and tried half-heartedly to clean the kitchen while Dutch played with cars.
By the time Jeff got home around 1:15 I’d stuffed depressing thoughts and feelings–about how something in our life has got to change or I am going to collapse–all morning and thought I was fine then to my horror as we sat down to talk about our mornings, I burst into uncontrollable tears. What a wreck. He did all the right things–held me, assured me my feelings were legitimate, then left me to my pounding headache and tired eyes, resting on the couch. At 2:30 I decided something must change when my mom, Mrs. Compassion and Tender Mercy herself, said, “So why are you in a bad mood?” I am proud to say I didn’t fall on the floor and start crying, but I realized that perhaps my down-sad-depressed-sourness is more frequent then I care to admit.
So, when I get to this point, I usually start racking my brain for a way to pull out of it. Obviously I pray, and I read through Philippians, but for me I need something concrete to get myself back on track. Usually I turn to a book. I sat on the couch upstairs and stared at the bookshelf, waiting for some magic title to light up that read, “How to be happy” or something like that. What I did notice was a book that I’ve always meant to read but never happened to pull it off the shelf. A simple book called “Teaching to Change Lives” by Howard Hendricks. I wasn’t much in the mood to think about teaching, I just wanted to not feel so sad, but I’d just finished the last of the 10 novels I recently borrowed from the library (morning sickness gives me an excuse to read fiction), and so hey, what the heck. I opened it up.
Now obviously, it is no secret, my goal is to change lives. If you haven’t figured it out yet, that is why this blog is here. I don’t just love to see my name on the computer screen, and though it’s therapeutic for me to write, the bigger picture is that my lifelong goal is to use writing to change lives. That’s why I write. So, ok I thought, this might be good.
Chapter 1: “The effective teacher always teaches from the overflow of a full life. The Law of the Teacher, simply stated, is this: If you stop growing today, you stop teaching tomorrow. Neither personality nor methodology can subsitute for this principle. You cannot communicate out of a vacuum. You cannot impart what you do not possess. If you don’t know it–truly know it–you can’t give it. This law embraces the philosophy that I, as a teacher, am primarily a learner; a student among students…I must keep growing and changing.”
I think I kind of subconsciously knew this, but to hear it articulated so clearly made everything come into focus. This process I am in, the painful growing process, is necessary if I want to truly communicate any truth about life and faith and growth and pain. The reason I love love love seminary so much is that I grow! I change and stretch and hurt and it forces me to learn which enables me to share and teach and impart. But it goes far beyond seminary, because some of the greatest lessons are those I learn in the times like this morning, when I crumble into Jeff’s arms because I want to move out so bad it twists my guts all in knots.
So I will continue to grow. I will grow because I want to teach. I will grow and learn and be a student of life because I pray that somehow by the grace of God He will let me use whatever communication means possible to teach and change lives, in whatever sphere I am, whether private or public. Oh that we will continue to learn and grow! God please help me to continue to stretch, even when it feels like I will snap in half it hurts so bad. My bones ache with the growing pangs…but there is life happening, I can feel it.
