Mystic & Dominic {Fasting series}
What’s up with Mystic?!
This was my biggest question headed into the fast. But the answer didn’t come until well after, just a few weeks ago.
Let me explain: One week before the fast began, a dear friend of mine was fasting and had this vivid dream:
She and I were in a hospital praying for people and they were being healed. We were going from room to room praying, and then after some time, we were praying for a particular young woman named Mystic. She was in labor, giving birth to a son named Dominic, but something was wrong. The baby, Dominic, had a heart condition, and it had something to do with the blood. There was something wrong and the baby was in great danger of not surviving.
We prayed over Mystic, for Dominic to be born, alive and well. We also noticed that Mystic was in a corner hospital room with huge windows filling two walls, with a gorgeous view overlooking trees and nature. We were trying to convey to Mystic how blessed she was. She had the best location in the whole hospital. We continued praying for Dominic to be healed, and born.
That was it.
At first, my friend interpreted the dream fairly literally — we were going to pray for people and see them healed! Awesome. No big surprise there, we’ve both had dreams about that before. But then, she shared the dream with her sister, who just happens to be spiritually gifted in interpreting dreams. (Nice sister combo, huh?!)
Her sister challenged her. I wasn’t there to hear her exact words, but it was along the lines of:
No, this isn’t just about you praying for people. Mystic is your church. The name “Dominic” means “of the Lord” or “of God.” God is wanting to birth a true work that’s “of God” in your midst, but something’s off and that work is in danger. God has given you the “best space.” He’s provided abundantly for your every need, right in the middle of the city, there’s financial provision and incredible blessing. He’s blessed you so much and He’s wanting you to pray this “Dominic” work of God into being.
I listened, wide-eyed. I knew, then, that praying through this dream would be a significant component of the 40-day fast, even though I had no idea what it meant. Hence, my big question: What’s up with Mystic?!
Now, by definition, a mystic is simply someone who believes in gaining spiritual apprehension of truths that are beyond the intellect. We usually think of Eastern mysticism, meditation, etc. But by definition a Christian mystic is simply someone who gains spiritual knowledge through prayer and communing with God. Nothing wrong with that. Anyone who believes that Christians can be guided and led by the Holy Spirit of God, who lives inside us, would qualify then as a mystic.
So, I’m not necessarily put off by this word.
I also didn’t see why this would describe us. Since you’re probably not familiar with our church, let me explain: We’re not a real mystical bunch. I mean, certainly not in a demonstrative, overly charismatic sense. If anything, I wished our church members were more mystical.
So, I prayed. The very first book I read on the fast was A Testament of Devotion by Thomas Kelly. I’d read many quotes from it, but never read the whole thing. So I dove in and … wow! The first section (there are 3) was amazing. I wrote some about it here. As I looked him up and read more about Thomas Kelly, I was interested to see that he was known as a Christian Mystic. Hmmm…
So, suffice it to say, I became very interested in discovering what this dream meant, and wanted, above all, for Dominic, a true work “of the Lord” to be birthed.
More to come! Thanks for reading.
New Life {Fasting series}
From the first time we met together, I marveled at her eager willingness to obey God, whatever the cost. I loved her humility, her willingness to receive, her honesty and frankness. So, it didn’t surprise me when, as we rode home together from our women’s ladies retreat, she announced she was going to do the 40 day fast as well.
It surprised her though. She was the one who wrote here, who said, “I’d never do that.” Let me tell you, she’s doing all sorts of things she said she’d never do, and it’s pure joy to watch as she faithfully follows God.
But all wasn’t easy in her life. After suffering a traumatic accident as a teenager, she didn’t think she’d be able to have children. Amazingly, she did conceive more than 7 years ago, during a time of significant challenge in her marriage. She testifies that it was God’s miraculous timing that brought this beautiful baby girl into their lives, and God used this baby to keep her and her husband together. Now, they have a strong, thriving marriage centered on God.
But for years, they’ve longed for another child. Month after month, year after year, they’ve prayed and waited and trusted, and hoped. They began pursuing adoption, happy to bring more children into their family however they could, and yet doors kept closing, timing seemed off. I remember seeing her, always so strong and positive, finally break down weeping at Bible study, aching so deeply for another child. Many gave advice to pursue many different options, but she and her husband kept sensing God lead them to “just” wait. Trust. Submit to Him, knowing His way was best. Besides, there were plenty of other things going on in their life to keep them busy.
And so when the time came to embark on this fast, she wasn’t thinking about a baby. She was praying for her family, for an upcoming move, for a possible trip to Africa. In short, she was giving herself wholeheartedly to the issues at hand, faithfully fasting and praying.
And wouldn’t you know it? After years and years and years of trying, with no success, during her 40 day fast …
she conceived.
The 40-day fast brought forth a miracle baby. A gift from God, from the God who hears our cries and knows our hearts, form the God whose ways and timing are always perfect, even when we don’t understand.
No, fasting isn’t about twisting God’s arm to finally get what we want. But it is about aligning our whole lives with Him, submitting our wills and hearts to His, bowing our lives in every way to say, “You are God. I am not.”
And He is so good.
Stories like this give me so much hope. There are things I still ache and long for. Things I’m waiting for and trusting him for. Good things. And the temptation is always to think He doesn’t care. That faith is useless and prayer is pointless and why on earth should we choose the narrow road or the hard path and why keep obeying when it’s dark and dreary and I’d really just rather have my own way??
Because it’s going to be worth it. All of it. Every prayer, every step of faith, every moment fasting or trusting or loving or obeying. Every difficult step. Every tear. Everything that’s done for Jesus’ sake, will be worth it.
We might not all get a baby (!), but when we die to ourselves, to our own way, new life always springs up within, to the praise and glory of God.
{Thanks for reading.}
Dreams continued {Fasting series}
On Monday, I shared the three dreams I had three nights in a row, about three weeks into the fast.
Of the three, the first was the most unclear, in terms of meaning. In some ways it seems obvious –– it highlights a fear of showing up unprepared. It highlights a fear of being in a situation where much is expected of me, but without having what I need to succeed. Certainly those things crop up occasionally, especially in speaking or leadership situations. But a more subtle part of the dream was the feeling of utter helplessness, because it wasn’t my fault that I was unprepared. It wasn’t my fault we were late. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know the lines. I am a responsible person, but I had no idea I was in the play! I had no idea I needed to bring my ballet shoes! And so here I was, scrambling in a lead role, because (presumably) of someone else dropping the ball.
That made sense. One of the issues the Father had brought to my attention, during the fast (and after) was my tendency to be frustrated, angry, or subtly resentful when other’s “irresponsibility” impacted me, hurt me, or made me “suffer” in some way. It’s control and pride and unrealistic expectations and un-forgiveness all wrapped up into one. I knew the bottom line was, I need to lay down my control and pride, and be willing to look foolish or irresponsible, and joyfully forgive, trusting that my Father would supply whatever really mattered in that situation.
The second one was very clear. It was situation specific, and the timing was impeccable. I knew my tendency to over-serve in a particular situation, to try to please people. The dream was such a vivid picture–trying to serve ice cream in hot weather when no one else cared. I saw the real issue, that I was over-serving not from a place of genuine love, but of wanting these people’s approval. When they didn’t thank me, or care, it hurt, which is a clear indication I was doing it for the wrong reasons. This dream bore great fruit in my life almost immediately. When I felt that urge to please people or “fix” things through over-serving, I sat back instead, and waited on God, asking Him to help me do only what He asked, nothing more, and only what I could do without any expectation or approval, thanks, or affirmation. This dream has stuck in my mind!
The last one was also very clear, and I felt like it was for more people than just me. I’ll never forget the sinking feeling at the very end, when I realized that all this time, all this time that I’d “fallen in love,” I was already married. I was so overwhelmed with thinking, “How on earth could I have forgotten that I was already married?” It was the most horrible feeling.
Very clearly, I sensed this was a message for God’s people who are tempted to fall in love with the world. It is SO stinkin’ handsome and charming. We love the feeling it gives us. But someday, when Jesus returns, I believe many will have that same horrible sinking feeling, when our true Husband comes and we realize that we’ve spent our lives flirting with other loves. Many may then think, “How on earth could I have forgotten that I was already married to Jesus?” James makes it clear that friendship with the world is enmity toward God. We can’t be in love with both. We can’t have two husbands. And so that picture, that dream, that feeling, has haunted me ever since. The lure of the world is real, and subtle. Adultery doesn’t happen overnight. So we are wise to FIX our gaze on Jesus, our One and only husband, and remember that in the end, love for the world will only leave us with regret.
These were the three dreams I had during the fast. We’re almost done with this series, just three more posts. We’ll get a fun miracle story on Friday, I’ll share my final “Aha!” moment, then finish with some practical ideas and recipes! I think I’ve spent more time blogging about fasting than actually fasting — ha! Thanks for your patience, and thanks for reading.
Three Dreams {fasting series}
Three weeks into the fast, I had three vivid dreams, three nights in a row. Now, I’m not much of a dreamer, but last summer, when praying about the Ark, I had two very vivid dreams that were significant to the Ark journey, so I wrote them down. Other than that, I haven’t really ever dreamed much. But these three really stood out. At the time I wasn’t sure what they meant, so I just wrote them down, trusting that their significance would be clear eventually. These are the three dreams:
- We were driving to a ballet performance of Romeo and Juliet. It was about 7:05pm and the show was at 7:30pm. Suddenly, just before we arrived, I realized with utter horror that I was IN the ballet. Not only that, I was Juliet! Gah! I was so frustrated that we were late, and that I didn’t know I was in the play. We arrived, and there was all this bustle getting me ready, makeup on, costume ready, then I realized that I didn’t have ballet shoes! Then, just as the curtain was about to open, I realized I had never even seen the script (it was a ballet with words). I had no idea what my lines were, moves were, steps were…nothing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out how on earth I could pull off a total improv. of the entire performance. It was the most sickening feeling.
- I was sitting on a hot beach, with a certain group of people. I wanted to serve ice cream for everyone to celebrate someone’s birthday, but when I opened up the ice cream carton, it was all eaten except for a tiny bit at the bottom. I was frustrated that someone had eaten all the ice cream, but figured I’d make due and just serve small amounts to everyone. Then I realized that we needed cones, so I headed off to the store in search of cones. All I could find was a Coldstone, so I went to the counter to see if I could buy cones, but someone was ahead of me in line. This person took twenty minutes making up their mind about what they wanted, and I was beside myself with frustration. Then, when I asked about buying cones, the worker just stared at me and said she’d have to go ask her manager. She left for a long time looking for her manager and I’m beside myself in frustration at this point. Then she comes back and says they’ll sell us cones but they’ll be $6 each. Gah! That’s like $30 just for the stupid cones! So I leave the Coldstone and finally find a store where I can buy a box of cones. Then I return to the beach, and of course the ice cream is totally melted, and I’m trying to make ice cream cones about of a small glob of melted ice cream, and all these other kids on the beach keep coming up and asking if they can have cones too, and I’m explaining there isn’t enough, then when I finally get the cones made, the person who’s birthday it is says, “Oh, I don’t want any.” And I feel hurt because I worked so hard to get it, and I look around and all the other people there are lounged back in their lawn chairs staring off, like half-asleep, totally oblivious to this whole ordeal, and I’m completely exhausted.
- I fell in love. *yikes* In this dream, I fell in love with a man (not a real person, by the way), and just remember being totally enraptured with him. It was completely pure, but we were in love, and I remember beginning to make plans to get married, and being so excited, and him going to my dad to ask if we could get married. And then, there was this moment of horror when my dad says, “Kari, you’re already married. You already have two children! What are you doing??!!” And I was absolutely horrified. I had no idea. I had completely forgotten that I was already married! How on earth did this happen?? How could I have forgotten? I was devastated.
Yikes, huh?! Not exactly the most sweet and peaceful sleep. Next I’ll share some thoughts on what they meant for me…
{Thanks for reading.}
“Did it work?” {Fasting series}
“Well, did it work?”
This was the most common question we received, in a number of different forms, when someone heard we’d done a 40-day fast. Understandably. We certainly don’t just go without all our favorite foods for fun. There was a purpose to this. It was meant to accomplish something, right?
So, most people want to get to the bottom line: Was it worth it?
I much prefer the latter question over the first. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Did it work? Let’s talk about that question for a minute.
In The Jesus Fast, Lou Engle speaks from experience and encourages aspiring fasters to remember that most often, spiritual revelation and breakthrough comes after the fast, not during. He said he has rarely experienced a supernatural “answer” during a time of fasting. Occasionally he has had a significant breakthrough occur around day 20-21, but more often than not, he wasn’t even aware of the spiritual significance of the fasting time, until afterwards.
I am so glad we knew that going into this. I didn’t have expectations of lofty dreams or visions. What I did have was a full assurance of faith that this was God’s plan, and faith, by definition, believes that God rewards those who diligently seek Him. So, I was confident that there would be a spiritual blessing by setting aside this time to diligently seek Him, but I didn’t necessarily have expectations of any certain thing happening during my fast.
But, things did. A lot of things are personal in nature, having to do with people and relationships, but I saw significant spiritual breakthrough in relationships. I saw people I had been praying for, making choices to lay things down, to turn more fully to Jesus. I saw issues surface and be dealt with. I saw answers to prayer for my children and family.
One team member saw a miracle. Like, a real one. I hope to share it with you soon.
And I had several dreams. I’ll share more about those on Monday, but just from a practical standpoint I want to emphasize, and hopefully encourage anyone fasting, not to be discouraged if they don’t have some big spiritual high or breakthrough, or feel like they have goosebump experiences the whole time. Fasting is hard. It’s the dying of our flesh and self and it isn’t always a ra-ra pep-rally experience. The Christian walk isn’t this. Just as marriage isn’t always butterflies and Hollywood sex, so our love relationship with Jesus isn’t always goose-bump encounters and spiritual highs. I love those things, but the stuff of devotion, the stuff of marriage is often the day-to-day choice to love no matter how you feel. Fasting was a clear picture of this truth. It didn’t matter how we felt that day, we chose to follow through, by faith, believing God is who He says He is and will do what He says He’ll do no matter how we felt.
Our faith falters when we focus on results. Our faith flourishes when we focus on HIM.
So did it work? Not sure. Does God work? Absolutely. Always.
He promises to reward those who seek Him (Heb. 11:6). That’s enough for me.
{Happy weekend! Thanks for reading.}
“I’d never do that.” {Fasting series}
Here’s another story from another dear friend. In case you’re saying, “I’d never do that…” she said that too. 😉
—
This has been such an interesting journey for me. I have never fasted in any shape or form before. Growing up super legalistic I have spent a lot of my adult life relying on myself and thinking of God as someone far away that is always ready to condemn you.
Over the last year God has been slowly and painfully tearing down the walls around my heart and I am so thankful to no longer be guarded against Him and fellow Christians. It has been amazing to be able to say I “heard” from God and realizing that He speaks to us through so many ways, especially His scriptures.
I definitely hadn’t planned on fasting and it was one of those things I was “never” going to do (kind of like speaking or praying in front of the church). Obviously God had other plans. Our family has a lot of big changes coming in the next year and I felt God asking me to prepare myself because it was going to be a rocky season. Every time I would ask God how He wanted me to prepare someone would talk about fasting or I would read about fasting in my Bible reading that day. Hmm, strange I thought.
Fast forward to a couple of months later and we were at the Women’s Getaway. I went into the weekend feeling ready to receive what God had planned for me and through prayer and conversation, felt really convicted that fasting was how He wanted to prepare me. If you know me you know I am not a halfway kind of gal, so I decided to go for it and started the day after we got back.
I love the fact that I came back and told [my husband] that I was going to fast for 40 days and instead of questioning me at all, he just says, “Okay, let me know how I can encourage you.” It is such a blessing to be married to someone who can say that, especially with how our marriage started out.
Fasting is such an eye opening experience. You realize that it’s okay to be hungry. You realize that God really can be what you desire. You also realize how broken the world is. I thought this time of fasting was going to be about our lives. It is in some ways but for me it has really been about interceding in prayer for our broken world. I used to be so accepting of sickness, divorce, etc. as just a part of life. These past three weeks God has told me no! You need to fight! You need to get on you knees and intercede for the world you live in. It is easy to see the brokenness in world. It is in your face every day. Now I feel like I am seeing it through God’s eyes and I am so excited to be able to enter into this battle with prayer and fasting.
My faith has increased more in this short amount of time than ever before. It may surprise you but I can get really focused on getting things done and being motivated. Being hungry has definitely slowed me down and made me more focused on what God has for me in the moment. It has also been a great way to share with people what God is doing in my life, instead of letting that mom’s night out be really awkward. I was reading 1 Corinthians this morning and this just resonated with me:
“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:31
That is what I want. I want people to know and see that anything that happens in my life is not my own doing but God’s.
—
I love this: “You need to fight! You need to get on your knees and intercede for the world.” Amen, sister. Well said. Thanks for reading.}
From legalism to freedom {Fasting series}
Fasting started out being really challenging for me and I felt less joy and more disconnected from Jesus than I had previously and nothing in my life or circumstances had changed except for fasting, so I summed it up to spiritual attack. When Jesus fasted, Satan came and tempted Him, so I figured that was it.
But then I went to the beach with some friends who all stopped to get ice cream and candy, and I was internally struggling. “Maybe the store sells something yummy that doesn’t have sugar,” I thought to myself, and lo and behold they did. So I got the sugar free chocolate (which was still sweet and yummy) and ate two bites and immediately felt convicted. God showed me that I was being legalistic about the fast, but missing the heart of it. I immediately repented, threw the rest of the chocolate away, and moved on.
Fast forward a couple days and we are at community group and I just start munching away on chips, and after eating about six chips, I realized I had completely forgotten that I was fasting from said items, which was then followed by me berating myself for being such an idiot and how could I forget and so on and so on.
The rest of the evening and driving home, I felt like I was being pounded by shame and under major spiritual attack. As I was pouring my heart out to [my husband], I felt like the enemy was yelling in my ear, “Just quit. You’ve already messed twice, why even bother continuing? You might as well just give up or otherwise you’ll have to start completely over again and do it right this time. But you know yourself, you’ll never get it right, so really, just give up.”
“How do you think God will use this?”“I don’t know” I snarkily replied.“Well, maybe God wants to teach you about grace.”
Oh man, you know those moments when it feels like the Holy Spirit whacks you in the head and says, “Pay attention.” That was this moment. It’s such a simple concept and my mind understands it, but I really struggle to receive grace. I love that God gives it, but I spent so many years of my life abusing His grace that I tend to swing so far to the other side of trying to achieve perfection that I have a hard time receiving grace. Anyway, I spent some quality time with Jesus that night and realized that this fast was started out in my flesh (trying to be good enough to get some spiritual result for the lives of others) and what the Lord showed me was that fasting isn’t to get something (even if it is something good) or even become something good/better (legalistically following rules), but to just rest in Him and His grace. Jeff’s quote so perfectly sums up what God has been teaching me so far:
“Fasting is never about how faithfully we abstain from food, but rather how faithfully God breaks into our weakness if we will only give Him the chance.
So do this: Know that a call to fast is not a call to perfection, but do not take the fast lightly, either. Our flesh will fail, yet God is full of grace. He loves the simple Yes! toward Him that a fast represents. So if you have previously tried and failed, be renewed and return to your consecration in His strength. Learn from my mistakes: There is simply no such thing as failure in fasting—the whole purpose is simply to break into a realm of faith.” (page 84, The Jesus Fast by Lou Engle & Dean Briggs)
Team Spirit {fasting series}
Let’s back up for a moment and talk about the team. One of the main highlights of this experience was the Team Spirit.
At first, I wasn’t sure whether this fast would be private or corporate. I knew that Lou Engle warns against trying to go it alone, and encourages those engaging in 40-day fasts to have a buddy or a small group, for support, encouragement, accountability. But then, you certainly can’t force anyone else to fast, so while I wanted to do it with a group, I didn’t want to obligate or overtly ask anyone. The only thing worse than going without (most) food for 40 days would be to do it against your will!
Thankfully, I didn’t have to look far for my first fasting buddy. Jeff immediately said he was in. He also read The Jesus Fast and shared my conviction that we should embark on this together. So, we bought copies of the book for our church leaders, and let them know we’d be doing a 40-day fast and that no one was obligated but all were invited. We didn’t bring it up again, so I had no way of knowing who was joining along.
It wasn’t until the night before the fast began that I knew who the team was. There were 10 of us total, 7 ladies and 3 men, taking part in various types of fasts for the 40 days. Each one was a little different, but the fun part was each one was tailor-made for that particular person. Each of us had prayed and asked the Lord to show us what our unique fast was, so we could move forward in confidence. In every case, the Lord graciously pinpointed those things we tend to “turn to” instead of Him. Each one was specific, and challenging in its own way. (One of the men had to end the fast after a few days because the light-headedness made his job too dangerous, but he continued steadfastly in prayer, still with us in spirit. Another gal joined later, and did 30 days.)
Knowing we were doing this together, as a team, made all the difference in the world. We could laugh together, cry together, send SOS texts when we were so tired or grumpy or just plain feeling so DONE with fasting that we needed some emergency prayer. In fact, a few of us had a daily touch-base group text with Scriptures, requests, and praises. For forty days straight we rallied in prayer for each other every single day. Team Spirit for the win!
While every relationship benefitted from joining together in this way, I was most impacted by seeing how fasting together blessed our marriage. It was so powerful to be going through this together, feeling the same symptoms, both feeling weak or tired and both committing to extended times in prayer. It was so helpful that no matter where we went, or what challenges came up, we were in it together. We could laugh with each other over slimy green smoothies, reminding each other we’d be able to chew soon enough.
I know not everyone has the luxury of a spouse or close friend that would do this type of thing, but can I just encourage you in saying: Pray for a friend who will seek hard after Jesus next to you. BE a friend who is seeking Jesus. Consider asking your spouse if he or she might want to fast one meal together, one day a week? Consider asking a friend if she’d like to fast lunch on Thursdays and pray together over the phone? It doesn’t have to be a big thing.
Every single time we go without, we say no to our flesh and yes to God, we experience His strength in new ways. How glorious it is to do that together. Throughout the Scriptures, in times of great need or crisis, God’s people have banded together to seek Him together through prayer and fasting, and He has always responded.
Are you considering a little (or big!) step into fasting? Consider asking your spouse or a friend if he or she would consider joining alongside you. You might just be so blessed to see the Team Spirit He builds in you both.
{Thanks for reading.}
What would die. {Fasting series}
Day 2 and 3 were the hardest physically. While I was tired and cranky on day 1, I still felt kind of full from the previous day’s feast, but during days 2 and 3 I was just plain HUNGRY. I would have my shake around 8am, but be hungry by 10. I’d have my smoothie at noon, but feel hungry by 2pm. This just wasn’t going to work. On the afternoon of day 3 I told the Lord I was so hungry I felt like I was going to die. So I started praying about whether He’d maybe let me add a “snack” in around 3 or 4pm. Just like carrots. Anything. I didn’t need steak, just something to chew. Oh friends how I wanted a CARROT! Just a carrot! I prayed for a snack, hopeful that He’d hear my plea and respond with His ever lovingkindness.
He said no.
*sigh*
Ok, then, we were going to have to figure this out. And of course, we did. I learned in the days that followed that I could wait on having breakfast until 9 or 10am. It was easier to be hungry from 7-10am then it was from 2-5pm. I learned that if I waited to have my afternoon smoothie until 2pm or so, I could stretch to dinner a lot easier. Again, it was easier to be hungry earlier in the day than later.
But most of what helped was this simple assurance. When I was pouring out my complaint to the Lord, and telling Him I felt so hungry I was going to die, I heard so clearly:
“Your body isn’t going to die, your will is.”
Yes. Of course. Of course this was the truth. My body would be fine. People live on much much less than this, every single day, all around the world. I was far from starving. I even checked my weight to be sure, and interestingly enough, I wasn’t even losing weight, so clearly I was fine.
I felt really hungry, but–hello!–that was a very natural consequence of fasting. Did I expect fasting wouldn’t include hunger?
It was just that I’d never before felt this hungry. This was a whole different type than I’d felt before.
And it was good. I needed this. I needed to hear, “No.” I needed to learn to “make ends meet” with food, the same way people have to do when they don’t have enough money. I needed to learn to stretch out my meals and maybe rest a little more and pray a little more and make due with less. All of these lessons were good. I needed them.
And, thankfully, I even found that after the first three days, I actually felt great. No headaches. No stomachaches. No digestive issues. I slept great. My skin started looking clearer. Whoa! This was a surprise, you mean this fasting thing we were doing was actually good for my body too?!!
You mean God actually wanted to bless me when He called me to go without?!
You mean God loves me so much He wanted me to abstain from things in order to help me feel better?!
You mean when the flesh dies our spirit comes to life?!
You mean I’m going to enjoy this whole crazy ordeal?!
Wonders never cease.
The worst day. {Fasting series}
Perhaps you’re thinking what I’m thinking at this point: Um, we haven’t even begun the actual fast yet!
Right. I actually feel like most of the “heavy lifting” spiritually speaking, happened before the fast. As you’ll see, the actual fast itself was rather enjoyable!
Well, not quite. Maybe not the first few days. Of course, the first three days are the hardest. With anything new. There’s just no way to get around it. Day 1 was the worst. It was my birthday, and I woke in a sour mood because I was sort of dreading doing this first day at all. Plus, we’d had a feast the night before, a sort of “last supper” if you will, so I had a bit of a headache from the chocolate cake and sangria.
Of course I wanted coffee.
No coffee.
(I should add, I actually did have tea on my fast. I prayed and felt freedom to do this, so I had two cups a day. But can I just say, tea is not coffee. That’s all, thanks.)
I confess: I was so grumpy that first morning and I don’t remember what happened but I’m pretty sure the kids and I were both in tears by 11am. Awesome birthday. Awesome first day seeking God’s presence and letting Him fill me with His glorious love and all these other sweet-sounding spiritual things that were NOT happening this day.
Thankfully, we got out of the house and visited my parents. My dad got me a chocolate cake, pizza, and a Coke. *blink blink* Of course I could have none of this so I watched my kids and parents celebrate my birthday, and I choked down some green slimy smoothie and wondered how on earth I was going to do this for 40 days without killing anyone.
That night, we took the kids to a play, and as we drove by the store, I suggested we could just swing by and I could get a kombucha. Kombucha’s ok, right? I mean, I was having tea and kombucha’s just basically tea that’s rotten.
Rotten tea should be fine, right?
Silence.
Jeff said fine, but I’ll tell you what, it happened again, that thing where God doesn’t let the world satisfy. I went into the Fred Meyer, ignoring the nagging lack of peace that kept hovering over my heart, and marched straight to the kombucha display.
I hoped it was on sale. It wasn’t. I hoped my favorite flavor was there. It wasn’t.
I took a deep breath. I reached for a bottle, then pulled my hand back. I reached again, then pulled my hand back. Oh good grief, Kari! You look like an idiot standing in front of the kombucha cooler, shifting back and forth on your feet like some moron stuck in indecision.
Finally, I sighed. Ok, Lord. I turned around, empty-handed, and walked back to the car.
And I sulked just a little. See, the truth is, I’m not used to hearing ‘no.’ Most things I ask of the Lord are within His will, I’m honestly used to hearing a lot of “yeses”! And, quite frankly, I’m also quite accustomed to doing my own thing. I don’t like being told I can’t get a kombucha. I don’t like hearing no. I don’t like having no options.
I don’t like surrendering control. Here I was, on day ONE, already testing the boundaries of this fast, already asking for allowances and exceptions, already privately pouting that God had told me no. BUT, I knew His goodness, deep down, down deeper than my own desire for a tasty drink.
So I sipped my water and silently prayed that God would satisfy my soul with Himself.