When your strong person isn't… {5 ways to help him through hard times}
“Oh, I’m fine,” I answered.
But she could see in my eyes that I wasn’t. What was I supposed to say? Well, I’m reeling in pain because my husband is struggling and I can’t talk to anyone about it so please don’t ask me anymore.
That would sum it up, I suppose.
Almost to a one, the times I have had the most inner pain have been the times struggling through things I couldn’t share with anyone else. You’ve been there, right? Silent suffering is the hardest. And the times I’ve wanted to write a “How to cope when your husband is struggling” post all fell flat because I wasn’t sure how to write about it without exposing my own dear husband’s weakness. I mean, I wouldn’t want him to write a post entitled, “What to do when your wife’s a mess.” Right?
But really, it’s ridiculous to believe that anyone’s husband doesn’t struggle. If you married a human, you married One Who Struggles. Even if he’s confident, attractive, successful, whatever, he will have low times and the question is …
What do you do then?
I’d even go so far as to say that we all have someone in our lives who we look to as “The Strong One.” Whether a parent, a friend, a spouse, we usually are able to draw strength from someone we love.
But what about when the strong person isn’t strong?
What do we do then?
A few years ago I had the painful privilege of walking with a precious friend through a marriage struggle. She is a godly woman, so I had the honor of getting an inside-peek at the godly ways she helped her husband through hard times. And over the years, as my own wonderful husband has endured the highs and lows of life, I’ve tried to practice these, although I’m convicted by how far short I have fallen most of the time.
So, for us all, a few thoughts on what to do when your strong person isn’t…
::Go back to the Strongest Person.
Perhaps it’s obvious, but no matter how strong our spouse is, they were never meant to be our stability. God alone is our stability. On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. If we look to any person to be our strong tower, we will quickly be discouraged and even embittered against that person. The truth is, no human being can bear the weight of your expectations. God alone can do that. So hang all your hope on Him.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Ps. 73:25-26)
::Fight fear, not him.
This proceeds from the first point, but usually what we’re battling is fear. When we place our hope and trust in a person, and that person begins to struggle and crumble, we battle fear because our strongest person isn’t really as strong as we wished. Or, we face fear because we’re afraid everyone will find out what a mess our lives really are. 🙂 When our strong person is struggling, we’re tempted to fight them. When Jeff is down, the bizarre thing that I do is get mad at him for being down. I get frustrated and find myself fighting with him instead of fighting for him. But when our confidence is in Christ, our Rock, we can rest secure and not walk in fear. We can fight in prayer for our spouse, remaining faithful at his side and speaking words of life and hope.
::Listen, don’t fix.
Stereotypically, it is men who are always trying to fix stuff when women just want them to listen. But let’s be honest, we do our fair share of fixin’ too, don’t we? Especially when I’m ruled by fear, I just want to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Make the problem GO AWAY so I don’t have to deal with this discomfort anymore! But the problem is, that compulsive desire to fix is rooted in my own fear and selfishness, not in genuine love and concern for him. When we’re stabilized by Christ we have patience to listen long, to be slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19), instead of feeling compelled to fix everything.
::Speak the truth in love.
That said, as our husband’s (or friend’s) Christian sister, we have the responsibility to speak the truth in love. If there is an obvious issue, something that grieves God’s Spirit or is causing significant harm or damage to the person or family, speak this truth in love. There is a hysterical video Jeff and I laughed ourselves silly over this week. In this case the woman has the nail, but it can go either way …
::Ask for prayer, but share with care.
(I could’t resist making it all rhyme!) Do not–I repeat–do not vent about your husband’s sorrows to your girlfriend during a playdate, or on the phone with your mom, or anywhere that your children can hear. I have ONE trusted friend with whom I share things like this, and I still speak carefully, usually in general terms, seeking prayer about heart-issues and not just venting. Usually, the nitty-gritty details don’t need to be shared. Think carefully about what the heart-issue is (pride, insecurity, lust, anger) and ask for prayer for that. Simply consider how you would want your husband requesting prayer for you, if the tables were turned (and the tables often are!). When our hearts are set to truly honor and bless our husbands, the words we choose will be honoring and blessing as well. (And if you don’t know the heart issue or need help working through issues, consider a godly counselor! Asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness!)
What have you found helpful when your strong person isn’t strong? Would you share with us and let us learn from your experience? Thanks so much for sharing, and reading.
Arise, and build joy.
The rain pounded hard in the darkness, and I rocked.
And rocked.
And rocked.
We were all sick, and she cried.
And cried.
And cried.
Unable to sleep, until we finally drug the rocking chair in from the front porch. It was cold and wet from outside. Jeff draped a blanket over the top, and I settled in for a long sit, her legs wrapped around my waist, her body against mine, her head on my shoulder.
And we rocked. And I waited for the warmth of the fleece blanket to envelop me.
But I just stayed cold, chilled to the bone. I waited for the warm romantic feelings to come; thoughts of how grateful I was for this Beautiful Waste, thoughts of how precious it was to rock my youngest child.
But all I could think about was how much I wanted to sleep.
I tried slipping out of the rocker, tried sliding her back into her bed, but as soon as she was horizontal her congestion came back and she awoke, crying.
Back we went to rocking.
And I went back and forth, getting nowhere.
The next day we were all still sick. I slept in, but woke to bickering. I drew a hot bath but the doorbell rang just as I stepped in the water. I made my favorite cold-remedy soup but all I could think about was how much I wanted chocolate-chip cookies instead.
What happened to joy?
Sure, there were sniffles and sneezes, but colds are nothing new, why was it that this one colored everything bleak?
The rain poured again the next day. And the next. Heidi’s cough barked, like croup. I kept sneezing, throat burning, ears aching, head pounding, eyes watering.
Playdates, dinner dates and discipleship dates were cancelled.
Dishes piled.
Crumbs collected.
Counters cluttered.
Shoes scattered.
“I work so hard and in two days of being sick all my work is undone,” I lamented to Jeff.
All my work is undone.
What is my work?
I had been thinking about building. Reading through Ezra and Nehemiah, and it’s almost summer and I have 4 straight months without a speaking commitment and my mind is on projects:
Finish the office. Read 20 books. Start the bathroom. Move the barkdust. Teach Heidi to read. Weed the front.
The day before we’d gotten sick I had cleaned the whole house top to bottom.
But in 48-hours it was a shambles again.
And I remember the opposition Nehemiah faced, as they set to building the wall in Jerusalem. How Sanballat and Tobiah mercilessly provoked and taunted and discouraged the faithful laborers.
But what’s the application? I understand opposition, but Who are my Sanballat and Tobiah?
And, more importantly, What am I trying to build?
Judging by my reactions and frustrations, apparently I’m trying to build productivity. Build a clean house. Build an office, a bathroom, a weed-free yard. If those are my end-goal projects then things like children, messes, and colds will be the opposition. In fact, if those things are all that I’m trying to build, I can inadvertently make my most precious people into the enemies of my goal–
Dutch & Heidi = Sanballat & Tobiah?
Something’s wrong with this picture.
Let’s rethink this: While those things are great projects, what am I really needing to build today?
Joy.
Without joy, I am the sullen mommy barking orders at children and scowling at my husband.
Without joy, none of the simple pleasures “work.” Joy is the flame that sets all those things on fire. Baths, tea, hot soup, novels, snuggles, and warm, fleecy blankets are all wonderful candle-sticks, but joy is the flame that sets them on fire and allows them to glow and bring pleasure to our souls.
If the joy of the Lord is my goal–true, abiding, overflowing joy–then the enemies aren’t my children. The enemies are inside: Selfishness, ingratitude, impatience.
Sanballat & Tobiah live inside my heart. Who knew?
But there’s good news: They can be conquered. By selflessness, gratitude, patience, trust.
In a brief break in the rain, I go outside to weed. I’m determined. I bend, pull, and ask God for joy. And as I wait …
I get stung by a bee.
YOW!!! That’s not how the story’s supposed to go!
No one’s around to hear me or to care, so I limp into the house, grab an ice-pack, and drop onto the bed. I can feel the frustration rising as the sting site swells, reddens.
On the nightstand sits my Bible.
So I open it and begin to build.
And Sanballat and Tobiah take many forms within and without–sickness, rain, bee stings, filthy floors, seflishness, sleepless nights, ingratitude, bickering children–but Nehemiah’s confident response becomes my own:
“The God of heaven will make us prosper, and we His servants will arise and build” (Neh. 2:20).
Today, your goal: Arise, and build joy.
{Thanks so much for reading.}
Week's end with thanks
Sick this week. 🙁 Really, really, really needed to give thanks and forget not His benefits!
- Glad for a sunny Saturday and enough energy to run around!
- Walk with my girl, hand in hand, to the Revival Building to visit the boys.
- Finishing my little writing space. Praying for His hand on that little corner, for words that give life, courage, truth, and grace.
- Whole roasted chicken, devoured by four hungries.
- Watermelon sweet. (Thank you, Debra!)
- Emergen-C (Thank you, Debra!)
- Kefir.
- Salads all week from the garden!
- Nyquil.
- Stumptown coffee delivered to me on a tray with cream and honey. #lovethatman
- Littles with wet hair, in jammies.
- Kissing clean cheeks.
- Dinner outside.
- Compiling my summer reading list! (Excited to swap recommendations here!)
- Water, water, water. Thank you, Lord, for this miracle drink!
- Quiet.
- The sound of them, in their beds, turning pages.
- Sleep.
- A flexible lifestyle that allows for sickness and sleep. Thank you, Father!
- A good man.
- His good Word that sets me straight each day. Lost without it.
- Sweet friends sprinkling my day.
- The Story of God.
- Nourishing Traditions’ Chicken-broth, lemon-juice, coconut-milk, chili-pepper ginger soup. Perfect tasty remedy for a cold!
- Raw honey.
- Rest.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope (Rom. 15:13). Thanks for reading.
One step beyond what's comfortable…
We talked Wednesday about why it sometimes feels creepy to talk about Jesus, and we asked God to make us more bold, finding that place between creepy and cowardly. So, here’s what this looks like for me:
Jeff and I are headed back to the airport from a recent conference, and we happen (ha!) to arrive early for the shuttle, and strike up a conversation with another couple. They’re in their mid-40s, boyfriend and girlfriend. There are several clear indicators they are likely not Christ-followers at this point. As we’re headed to the airport, the guy mentions he’s from the city where my brother Kris lives, and I get this inward thought, “Get his number so Kris can connect with him and tell him about Jesus.”
Yeah. Right.
That’s creepy. You don’t just ask a random guy on a shuttle for his information because your brother might want to meet him. Way creepy. How on earth would I even say that? No. Nope. Can’t do that.
The feeling gets stronger. By now we’re pulling up at the airport. There isn’t time or space to even prep Jeff that I’m about to act like a weirdo. But I remember it: There’s a place somewhere between creepy and cowardly.
Ok, fine! I’ll open my mouth and trust that what I say doesn’t sound creepy.
“Hey, we’d love to get your info; maybe you and my brother could go snowboarding sometime!”
Ack! My weird-meter is going wild inside. BEEP BEEP BEEP! I sound so creepy!!!
“Hey, yeah, that’s cool. Ok.” Jeff takes it from there and gives the guy his business card as we step off the shuttle. The guy looks down at the business card and back up to Jeff.
“Are you really a pastor?”
I hold my breath. Now he knows we’re not just weird, we’re religious-weird. Way worse.
Long story short, Jeff says yes, and it’s time for us to catch our plane.
End of story, I thought.
The next day, he texts Jeff:
“If I have done horrible things is there any forgiveness or absolution?”
And so begins a several-day dialogue with a man who is convinced he should be dead, in hell, for all the horrible things he has done. And so begins a dialogue where Jeff is sharing the gospel. The hope. The truth. The life.
JESUS.
This man was (and is) on the brink.
And I was concerned about sounding creepy?
O Lord, have mercy.
I’m writing this post, not because I’ve gotten oh-so-bold and am now knocking on doors left and right. I share because this is what God currently is ministering to my heart. I need accountability. I need to write it down so I can’t pretend He’s not saying it: Kari, at some point the gospel gets aggressive.
And it’s not as if we have to start strangely spouting about Jesus everywhere we go, but perhaps we need to go one step further than what feels comfortable.
One step beyond what’s natural. Because boldness in proclaiming the gospel isn’t natural, it’s supernatural.
Meaning this: If we wait around for it to “naturally come up in conversation” we probably won’t get very many opportunities to talk about Jesus (which is exactly what some of us want, if we’re honest. Right?). If we just try to live a good life in front of people and hope that someday they will ask us about God, we might never get the chance. If we just try to be a silent witness but do not speak the name of Jesus we just simply are not living out our true identity–as loved, forgiven, set-free sons and daughters of God who are already approved and who have been given the honor of telling the rest of the world about the love, joy, forgiveness, and freedom of walking with the Creator of the universe.
My prayer is that God would help me–us–to just be more brave in sharing His love, His truth, His name. That we’d overcome creepy. That we’d be willing to look weird. Perhaps even this weekend, as you recreate with friends and neighbors for Memorial Day: Remember Him. Speak of Him. Ask others about Him. Bring up the name of Jesus and embrace whatever awkwardness may come, to the glory of God. He is so good! He is worth it. Trusting Him for this, in my life and in yours. Bless you, sisters and brothers! Thanks for reading.
*PS Still waiting to see how this conversation will end up–it’s still ongoing. Trusting it will end in salvation and a redeemed life following Christ. Will you please pray for Darren? Thank you.