Sacred Mundane: The Blog

Few characteristics are more critical to the Christian life than consistency, or steadfastness, and therefore this will be the primary area where spiritual attack will occur. If the enemy of our souls cannot lead us into grievous sin he will at least try to keep us from consistently abiding in Christ. He will seek to make our lives haphazard.

Consistency, steadfastness, faithfulness, stability — these qualities aren’t touted and praised much in our culture. We’re told to do what feels good, follow your heart, indulge, let yourself loose.

And yet, growth or mastery in any area requires consistency. Any personal trainer will tell you that consistency is key. Running two miles every single day is better than running fourteen every Saturday. A steady, balanced diet over the long haul is better than a crash-diet to lose five pounds by this weekend’s wedding. Consistency is always the key.  The level path.

Webster defines consistency as: marked by harmony, regularity, or steady continuity.

Wouldn’t it be a beautiful witness if our lives were marked by harmony, by regularity and steady continuity.  If we moved between our work and church and family and friends in a seamless manner, not given to hypocrisy but characterized by integrity and wholeness. Consistency is what will take us from a rollercoaster of frustration and defeat to a level path of joy, peace, and purpose.

Consistency will enables our lives to sing. 

So let’s hold up the mirror of God’s Word and take an honest look at the consistent character and conduct of our lives.

Consistent Character:

• Joy: Am I steadfast in rejoicing? Am I deliberate every single day in choosing to rejoice despite my circumstances?
• Peace: Is my life characterized by anxiety or peace? What would my family, friends, co-workers say?
• Patience: Do I lose my patience in a check-out line or waiting in traffic? Do I show great patience for others and yet often snap or lose my temper with my family?
• Kindness: Do I show kindness to others only when others are looking?
• Goodness: What movies do I watch? What music do I enjoy? Would I be comfortable letting my pastor look through my internet history? Do I consistently set my mind on things that are good and lovely?
• Gentleness: Am I harsh or short with my spouse, roommate, kids, parents? Do I use sarcasm?
• Faithfulness: Do I follow through on my commitments even when it costs me something personally? When my circumstances change do I remain committed to my word? What kind of friend am I? What would others say?
• Self-control: Do I indulge myself when I’m alone in ways that I wouldn’t if others were around? Do I have a quick-tongue, always speaking my mind, or am I slow to speak?

Consistent Conduct:

• Do I show up on time for work? Do I often make others wait for me? Am I habitually late for meetings?
• Do I follow-through on my chores or work at home? Do others often have to pick up after me or cover for me?
• Do I have good personal hygiene habits? Do I exercise regularly? Do I eat a healthy, balanced diet?
• Do I attend church regularly? Do I tithe regularly? Do I read my Bible and pray regularly? Do I regularly meet with other believers for fellowship and accountability?
• Do I serve on a regular basis? Have I diligently explored ways that I can consistently use my time and talents to serve others and further God’s kindgom?

Am I someone who others can count on? Am I the same at work as I am at church? Do I have anything to “hide”?

All of us have areas of inconsistency in our lives. The key is remembering that in realitywe always act in ways that are consistent with our beliefs. So if our actions aren’t lining up with what we say, chances are we don’t really believe what we say we believe. We always act out of what we believe. If we believe God is glorious and good and altogether sufficient, our actions will be wholly consistent with that. If we do not, in some measure, believe that, our actions will be consistent with that too. This is why all sin is a personal affront to God. It all comes from some area of unbelief.

So our job is to evaluate these areas honestly and ask God to show us where we have unbelief in our hearts. We can repent, turn, and be given a fresh measure of faith to overcome these areas of inconsistency in our lives. And we must do just that every single day.

{For today, what area of inconsistency is God putting His finger on? How can you agree with Him and ask for His grace to grow? He loves us too much to let us stay the same! Thank you, friends, for reading.}

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

Romans 12:15

Every single morning it was a scowl.

He would pad down the stairs in his footie pajamas, rubbing his eyes, then collapse on the couch and curl into a sleepy ball.

(No, not Jeff … Dutch.)

Every morning I would persevere in cheerfulness. I wanted our home’s atmosphere to be one of joy, so I refused to let his morning mood set the tone. With my best, widest smile and most enthusiastic voice I’d greet him every day, “Good morning, Dutch!”

He’d scowl. 

I’d close my eyes and pray for patience. Why is everything difficult with this kid? For a long time this went on. I could effectively modify his behavior by forcing him to speak the obligatory words, “Good morning,” but nothing could remove his inner grumpy-gloom that seemed to cloud our mornings. My strategy, then, was to prove that I could be more cheerful than he was grumpy. I would smile bigger. Make my voice lighter. Greet him more enthusiastically. By golly I was going to be HAPPY and then he’d catch on and get happy too, right?

Wrong. It seemed the happier I was the grumpier he got. Obviously I was missing something. What was it?

Empathy.

One little word that changed my perspective and is slowly changing my life. 

See, I thought my responsibility was to lift the spirits of those around me. (And that’s partially true.) I wanted to help my son get a happy heart. I wanted to teach and train him to choose joy. But somehow it wasn’t working. It felt like spinning my wheels. Then I realized I was spinning my wheels.

Why do wheels spin?

Because the gears aren’t engaged.

Gears can turn and turn and turn, working hard and moving, pulling up, up, up, but if they aren’t engaged in another wheel, they will just spin without accomplishing anything. I had skipped a step in wanting to improve my son’s attitude–engaging his gears. 

How do we engage someone’s gears?

By getting down and locking ourselves into where they are. In other words,

Empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share in the feelings of another. Essentially it is to enter in to the feelings and emotions of another. It is to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Rom 12:15).

Because I am a glass-half-full girl and my son tends to be a glass-half-empty boy, I was frustrated by his tendency toward negativity. I didn’t want to be part of it, and wanted to help him rise out of it, so I just ignored it. My mantra became: “I will persevere in cheerfulness if it kills me!” But instead of engaging in his feelings and listening, showing empathy and understanding, I was just aggravating him and making him feel more and more unheard. The happier I made myself, the grumpier he got. 

See the cycle?

So I tried an experiment. When he got up the morning, I pretty much ignored him. Not in a mean way, just in a not-ridiculously-cheerful-way. I say, “Hey babe,”  in a off-handed, low-key way and then just let him be. To my amazement, a few minutes later after he’d shuffled around the house quietly for a few minutes, he came to me, looked up with sleepy eyes and said,

“Mommy, I love you.”

Was it really that simple? Could it be my “morning monster” was just, quite simply, not a morning person?  Rudeness, of course, is not acceptable, but could it be that a dose of empathy from me was really all it took to help him feel understood and accepted? I tried this in other areas, taking more time to listen, look him in the eyes, show empathy, and compassion, instead of just scolding him for a poor attitude or complaining heart.

More often than not, it worked. As soon as he was heard, understood, shown empathy, he would be over it. I noticed the same with Heidi. I noticed the same in other relationships. Sometimes all it took for someone to find hope, peace, comfort, was simply to be heard and understood.

Yes, there is a time for pulling others up, but we cannot pull up unless we have first engaged them with empathy.

In his book The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols says that empathy is the essence of true listening:  “Shared thoughts and feelings are a step toward each other. Empathy is the bridge.”

I’m beginning to think empathy might be the secret to truly showing love to those around us. Listening long enough to understand. Choosing to suspend our own thoughts and feelings in order to enter in–engage the gears–of those we love.  I have so far to go in this area, but am excited to grow …

{Who can you listen to today? How can you show empathy by putting yourself on the same level of another? Who can you weep with? Rejoice with? How can you   “engage the gears” of your children and seek to understand how they feel? Thanks for growing with me; thanks for reading.}

“Sin sucks.”

Those were my words as my friend and I ran along the dusty Sisters trail, pounding out the miles and catching up on life. She’d just shared the sad story of a family member’s battle with addiction, and all the havoc that had ensued. My heart broke for her family. It reminded me of so many other stories I’ve heard, similar situations where sin sneaks in and robs entire families.  It’s terrible. As she shared, all I could think about was how much I hate sin and all the devastation it causes.

But then I had to think, “Do I really hate sin? Or do I just hate the effect of it?”

This has been a common theme in my life this past month. The problem, my problem, is that often I only hate the effects of sin, and haven’t yet gotten to the point where God has given me a hatred for the actual sin.

For example, in our culture:

Do we hate greed? Or do we just hate it when we run out of money or when things are tight because we spent too much?

Do we hate gluttony? Or do we just hate it when we gain weight or can’t zip up our jeans?

Do we hate envy? Or do we just hate the feeling it gives us when we can’t be as good as someone else?

Do we hate drunkenness or overindulgence? Or do we just hate feeling hungover or miserable afterwards?

Do we hate idolatry? Or do we just hate the feeling when those other gods don’t come through, or when God feels distant?

Do we hate pride? Or do we just hate it when our ego is wounded?

Do I hate laziness? Or do I just hate it when my kids misbehave and my house is a mess? (*NOT saying all instances of child misbehavior or house-messiness are a result of laziness! I think you get my point … )

This has been where God has put his finger in the past month.  

Do I really hate the things He hates, or do I actually still desire and indulge in those things but hate it when the fruit of that thing crops up and makes me feel miserable?

Does that strike a chord with anyone else but me?

I realize this post contains the word “hate” a lot. I know it sounds harsh. But sin is the reason my Savior had to die on the cross, and sin is what He rose and conquered, and it is what destroys families, lives, hearts. It was what separates us from God. It is the stench of death and disease that still lingers in our world. There is nothing good about it, and I’m asking God to give me a greater hatred for it  …. not just the effects of it.

I know, I know, it sounds like splitting hairs. Is there really a difference? I think there is. Here is the question we can ask:

{If engaging in this particular sin had no negative consequences, would I still loathe, hate, avoid it?}

I believe that we won’t begin to see greater victory over sin until we actually quit loving it and start hating it. As long as we secretly love the sin and only hate the consequences, we will never see true victory over it. It may sound small, but I have sneaking suspicion it’s big. We must allow God to permeate the deepest parts of our hearts, our true loves and hates, our greatest desires and longings. When all of Him takes over all of us … we begin to change. 

{Growing with you …. thanks for reading.}

{Already I am amazed at how much grace has allowed me to forget. Things are so much easier now, even than they were a year ago when I penned these words! All Mamas, take heart: A simple word for us as we start our week. We need it … }

~

Heidi whined again and I swatted her bottom with my hand.

“Heidi, use a nice voice,” I said firmly looking straight into her eyes.  She understood and changed her voice but my conscience nagged. Was there anger in my voice? What about in my heart? Did I swat her bottom in frustration? How do I be firm but still pleasant? Am I disciplining my children in anger? Why can’t our days be fun? Why are they filled with reminders, rebukes, corrections?  I do try to praise more than I correct but they just need so much stinkin’ correction!

I reminisced back to my childhood days. “I don’t remember my mom ever being harsh with me,” I thought to myself.

To my continual amazement, even when I’m at my worst (or I feel that way) my kids always want to snuggle up, always want to rock or read together, always want me to carry them and be silly.  I’m so glad they do but the haunting question still nags me, “Will they remember a barking mommy who spent her hours endlessly correcting? Will they ever remember having fun?”

I got them settled in for their rests — Heidi snuggled into her crib and Dutch playing quietly in his room. Relieved but feeling defeated, I laid down on my bed, prayed, again thinking to myself, “I don’t remember my mom ever being harsh with me.” Why can’t I be more like her?

Then it struck me.

“I don’t remember my mom ever being harsh with me…”

“I don’t remember …”

I don’t remember!

That’s it! Of course.  I don’t remember.

Just 30 minutes later my parents stopped by on their way through town.  Just to be sure, I checked with her… “Mom, did you ever just feel at your wit’s end…?” She laughed out loud, told me about plenty of times the only thing that kept her sane was remembering James Dobson’s words, “Someone has to be the grown-up.” So she’d coach herself through every moment, reminding herself she had to be the grown-up.  When I told her that I didn’t remember a single time that she ever grew impatient or frustrated she just laughed.

“Then that’s a miracle.” I smiled, understanding.

Perhaps this is the miracle of mommyhood. Don’t get me wrong, there are always consequences for sin, and I understand that if I am sinning against my children it’s not as if it just disappears.  But as I, a mommy-sinner-turned-saint, grow in sanctification and stumble through my days growing in grace and falling on my knees and training and trying and loving and correcting and crying, by faith I trust that God weaves all my messes into a beautiful childhood for my children.

Someday perhaps they will look back and remember, by some miraculous forgetfulness, that their mother was always loving, always joyful, always kind.  Just as Sarah, in the Hebrews 11 Hall of Faith, is remembered as a woman who always considered God faithful. We read that and wonder, Don’t the biblical writers remember that Sarah laughed at God’s promises? Don’t they remember how she took matters into her own hands with Hagar? Don’t they remember how she made a royal mess of things before God brought it all to pass?

They must have forgotten, because all they have to say is that she lived by faith.

Perhaps, then, my fumbling attempts at motherhood are mingled with enough faith that, in retrospect, they will, appear to be something beautiful.

Perhaps, like Sarah, our lives are bathed in forgetful grace.

“For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.” Hebrews 8:12

Nothing is wrong with God’s memory. He’s just extravagantly gracious.

His grace extends even to our children, to their memories.

To their moms.

—

{Rest today, dear mommy. His forgetful grace bathes your day in beautiful light. Perhaps remembering that will enable you to smile a bit more this Monday? Thanks for reading…}