How to calm and quiet your soul…
He took the phone call outside, but I could still hear.
“Yeah, that way everything’s in place, just in case. And if I am there, I can cover that part. Thanks so much, man.”
He was happy, of course. He was talking to one of his favorite friends, an elder at Renew, who is more than capable of covering all church responsibilities.
But I still felt bad. I knew it took extra effort on everyone’s part, having to “play it by ear” and somehow it felt like my fault. After he hung up I hefted myself out of the lawn chair and went over.
“I’m sorry you have to make all these arrangements because of me.”
Of course, he looked at me aghast.
“You’re sorry?! Sorry that you’re carrying our child and enduring and still loving and serving us every day! There’s nothing to be sorry for!” He held me tight and kissed the top of my head.
It’s strange, the emotions that slip in sometimes. I remember, after having my second miscarriage last year, feeling so bad, because my family was so heart-broken and it felt somehow like I’d let them down. Like it was my fault somehow for breaking their hearts. Rationally, I know that isn’t right, but have you ever felt that way? Like somehow you’re to blame?
And so, this morning, when I woke at 3:30am to the realization that I was still pregnant, and it was Sunday, and all that that entails, and that extended family arrives today, and it’s already the 15th and all the moving parts of our summer plans start whirring around in my brain, plus several pregnant-related complications I’m “managing” and ministry concerns and my prayer list is as long as my leg and my head spins and after 12 days of on-off contractions I’m mentally so tired.
And that’s just it. I realized this morning, I’m mentally so tired. Why? Because I’m an INTJ. Mastermind. Because my mind never stops moving. Because I am planning and coordinating and adjusting and considering all the blasted time and am just about to lose my ever-loving mind.
So this morning I open the Word, and here is King David saying,
“But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.”
Well, I thought to myself, that most certainly does not describe me. But I want it to! I wrote in my journal, to my own heart and to my God:
How does one calm and quiet one’s soul?
I rested my head and closed my eyes. The truth was, I didn’t know. I wished I did. This little waiting-for-baby thing would pass, but no doubt there’d be another thing just up ahead, and I needed to KNOW this.
Then, no surprise: I realize the answer was the first verse of the Psalm. Just before that David, who was the KING of a nation, I might add, writes:
“Oh LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high.
I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.”
Then he writes that he is has calmed and quiet his soul. But the first verse explains how.
By not playing God.
By not occupying my mind with things that aren’t my business. By refusing to “manage” what isn’t mine to manage. By stepping down from a lofty view of self. By not thinking it’s my responsibility to deliver on things I have no control to deliver on. By recognizing: I see from a hopelessly limited perspective and it is preposterous to think that I can even begin to understand how all these things will work together.
It is refusing to take on the work that only belongs to God.
Tears.
Of course that’s it. Of course. It is so incredibly humbling to be a like a little child. To be utterly dependent, “in the dark” so to speak, with regard to what it going on behind the scenes. For planners, managers, like me, it is stripping to your soul to be kept so entirely “out of the loop” of what is going on.
When God gives you no clue what He’s doing. When you ask Him what’s up and He’s absolutely silent.
I sit here marveling that David wrote this. That even the King of a nation knew he needed to calm and quiet his soul and not take on matters too marvelous for him. That no matter how high or low our position, we must remain like little children. Not because God wants to keep us low, or “in our place” but because He knows a precious secret:
That’s HOW you calm and quiet your soul. By letting Him to be God. And that is what we all truly need.
{Thanks for reading.}
Joy waiting for Justice
It was rather anticlimactic, to cross that “due date” calendar square out and still be pregnant. Especially since I’d really thought (for the 5th time) that I was in labor the night before. We had even taken the kids to my parent’s house for the night thinking “this was it.” Though it’s certainly common, I’ve never had false alarms like this, certainly not so many, and never gone past my due date. I also had really been praying for an early arrival, as I was hoping to attend a family camping trip and family wedding with Jeff in the coming weeks. As the days slipped by, I could feel the disappointment rising, and yesterday the fatigue and disappointment swelled up something fierce. It sounds so silly to an outsider, but anyone who’s waited for a baby knows that feeling, especially when you have a series of ups and downs: “This is it! Oh, this is not it.”
Lack of sleep doesn’t help either.
BUT.
Yesterday was so good. It was kind of freeing to feel like all my expectations were out the window, and I might as well just move on with LIFE and loving and serving and REJOICING, rather than focusing all my energy on waiting for Justice.
And I realized … there’s a lesson there for me.
The Bible (and the world!) is full of folks awaiting Justice. Folks legitimately suffering. Sure, I feel pretty uncomfortable. This baby is unlike the others I’ve carried, and he makes his presence known somethin’ fierce. I could barely walk yesterday morning. I’m really sick of sleeping on my side, my back hurts so bad, and this heartburn business is getting old. But these are the TINIEST irritations. I have legs. I have a bed. I have a husband who gives me back massages every night. I had the luxury of lounging in a swimming pool yesterday for crying out loud!
But as I mention in Sacred Mundane, these irritations, inconveniences, and small disappointments serve as “mundane sufferings” — that is, opportunities to put into practice what the Scriptures command about greater sufferings.
They are practice.
Every night that I’m kept awake with “false” labor, I tell myself: More opportunities to practice. To practice breathing, practice relaxing, practice all the things I’ve been reading about, that are critically important to remember when “real” labor comes.
This morning I just happened to be in Philippians 4 in my Bible reading. Paul writes:
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–PRACTICE these things, and the God of peace will be with you (4:9).
Do we take this seriously? That we need to PRACTICE patience, PRACTICE joy, PRACTICE steadfastness, PRACTICE kindness.
Just as slow-breathing and relaxation does not automatically happen when seized with a contraction, so virtue does not automatically happen when seized with life’s inevitable sorrows.
We must practice. How?
Philippians 4 tells us:
Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, again I will say, REJOICE…do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is honorable, whatever is JUST, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.” (V. 4-8)
It’s a discipline of the mind. It’s a choice. Yesterday it was so good to get over myself and get busy loving others, doing some specific things to serve my mom, making a big delicious dinner for my family and parents, intentionally reading what Dutch is reading so I can enter his world more fully and discuss what’s on his mind.
And while this is always helpful, I realized this morning a significant key to it all. It seems obvious, but sometimes pregnancy-brain can make us a bit cray-cray. The truth is: Justice IS coming. I’m not going to be pregnant forever. It might still be a ways off, but Justice is coming.
The certainty frees me up to wait joyfully.
The same is true for you, friend. And ALL who wait and ache and long. I do not mean to trivialize true suffering by comparing it to pregnancy, please hear my heart, BUT it is true that for all who ache for justice, for healing, for all that is busted up and broken and just plain WRONG in this world … there is hope in the waiting, there is JOY in the waiting. Why?
Because Justice IS coming. Guaranteed.
The certainty frees us up to wait joyfully.
From the smallest trial to the most significant: Like the faithful martyrs in Revelation 6:10 who
“cried out with a loud voice, “O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?”
They wait for justice.
And it will come.
Honestly, the hardest part of yesterday wasn’t not having a baby, it was sitting with my mom and seeing the effects of the most cruel and merciless disease that has stolen so much of her life. It was feeling my heart break all over again, sitting there feeling hopeless seeing how virtually everything has been stripped away from her. It was seeing her struggle to speak, this woman who has one of the greatest minds I’ve ever known. It was that righteous anger that THIS was not how God created her to be. It was longing for the time when all things will be made new and JUSTICE will be served and everything evil will be undone.
Justice will come.
The certainty frees us up to wait joyfully.
Friends, I don’t know what significant suffering you are facing. I don’t know what wrong has been done that you ache to see made right. But whatever it is, I know God’s Word is true and sure. It is certain. And I pray you know the joy of this hope, even as you wait. Justice IS coming.
{Thanks for reading.}
When you feel like all your work was wasted…
“Well that was a waste,” I thought to myself when I woke up, blurry-eyed, exhausted, after realizing that the seven hours of contractions from the night before had produced … nothing. There was most assuredly still a baby inside my belly.
It was early, the 4th of July, and the night before I’d been up from 9pm-4am with intense contractions. Real ones. I’d been a bit confused, as they came every ten minutes, and never got closer together, never progressed like normal labor. What was this?
Well, of course many of you are probably smiling because you’re familiar with this phenomenon called ‘prodromal labor’ — I looked it up and “prodromal” comes from the Latin meaning, “A torturous teasing process where overtired and enormously pregnant women are kept awake all night in labor, with nothing produced from the process.”
Or something like that.
Actually I was encouraged to read up on it and realize it’s rather common. Reading dozens of comments from similar-situations made me sigh with relief, “So this is a thing!”
Of course pretty much every comment was basically a lament about how horrible this process was. Of a continual labor that produces nothing.
Of wasted work.
But there was a common thread among every woman who’d had this experience in the past–her actual labor was markedly shorter.
Aha, I thought to myself, it’s not all for naught.
Of course there are no guarantees, but it was definitely a consistent theme, and yet, the lamenting continued.
And of course I don’t know how this will all shake out–but I couldn’t help but think about this process of bringing life into the world, and how unique it is and yet not unique it is because it’s a picture of all our labors for the Lord, in one way or another.
Our Creator created physical processes as pictures of spiritual processes. This whole world is a glorious illustration, if we have eyes to see.
Did I?
While I woke sorely disappointed that first night, I found that the next time it happened, I didn’t experience the same frustration. Sure, the outdated term is “false labor” but there’s nothing false about joyfully, patiently enduring toil that is for the sake of a greater good.
That’s true life.
So the next time it happened, I grabbed my earbuds, swiped to my favorite worship playlist, and settled into several hours of lifting up praise to our good God. In the quiet, in the dark, paced by 10-minute contraction intervals, I was able to interact with my Father in sweet worship and prayer.
That’s no waste.
And then the next time it happened, I’m not kidding when I say I actually looked forward to it. I thought maybe it was the “real” thing, but when the contractions didn’t get closer together I knew it was just another round of practice. Another opportunity to remind myself, “Nothing’s wasted.” Every contraction, though it feels futile, is doing something. I’m learning. I’m growing.
And it’s preparing my body for the good work ahead … of bringing Justice into this world.
You’re doing it too, you know. Bringing Justice into this world. Every follower of Jesus is. We bring His Kingdom forth when we partner with Him, when we become co-laborers with Christ, yoked to Him, and we work to bring His truth, holiness, righteousness, justice, and love into this world.
Sometimes, doesn’t it seem like we wear ourselves plum out thinking some great work is being done, only to wake up the next morning and discover, in a sense, that the baby isn’t yet born? We’re plagued by a nagging sense of doubt:
Is any of this worth it?
Is this work a waste of time?
In the morning, every morning, I look at my fridge before pulling out the cream for my coffee, and there on that fridge reads one of my favorite verses:
Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord, your labor is not in vain.” (1 Cor. 15:58)
Not. In. Vain.
Do you believe that, friend? That if we even give a cup of cold water to someone (bedtime with small children, anyone?!) in the name of Jesus, because we belong to Him, we will certainly not lose our reward (Mark 9:41).
The smallest acts. The simplest kindness. The most hidden obedience.
The middle-of-the-night labor that brings no baby.
Do we believe? It takes faith to keep joyfully engaging in labor that seems to not produce any results.
In whatever way you are tempted to give up, give in, quit, lament, because it just feels like your work is wasted.
Please don’t. Before we know it, Justice will come.
{Thank you for reading.}
10 Thoughts on the Declaration of Independence
It’s the 4th of July and you know what that means! Wait, do we know what that means?
Of course, it means barbecues, parades, rodeos, and fireworks. Duh!
But what does it really mean? Yes, we know it is Independence Day, but what does that mean?
A couple weeks ago Jeff got up in the middle of the night to discover his wife, sitting in a rocking chair, reading the Declaration of Independence.
Pregnancy makes us do crazy things.
Actually, for the last couple months I’ve been endeavoring to grow as a teacher, going through a self-paced process recommended by some folks from Leadership Education. First, you simply immerse yourself in the classics processing what you learn. Then, you’re instructed to read The Declaration of Independence, looking up any words or ideas that are unclear, and then write about 10 ideas that strike you as interesting, and discuss those with two other people.
Hence my midnight reading materials.
It just so happened that this was right before the 4th of July, so it was the perfect opportunity to discuss this document with our kids. So, last night, over dinner, Jeff and I jumped in, and we enjoyed a spirited conversation about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Though I had no intention of this being a blog post, I thought I’d share it here, because it really was a worthwhile discussion as a family. So often we observe or celebrate the current cultural expression of a holiday, rather than taking the time to learn about the event itself. So, in case you want a quick brush-up on what this day is all about, consider a quick read of The Declaration of Independence, which was formally adopted by the Continental Congress 242 years ago today.
Here are the 10 things I found most interesting:
- “Self-evident: That all men are created equal”: Humans have been created. A Divine, intelligent Creator has fashioned and formed each and every human being on the planet, and has bestowed WORTH on them. This worth is not based on their IQ, appearance, or geographic location. They may grow to become more or less valuable to society, based on whether they are virtuous contributors or wicked destroyers, but at their core, each one has been created equally, with worth each equivalent to another. This means the unborn baby with downs syndrome, the handicapped child, the elderly, the deaf or blind, that all have equal value.
- “Endowed by their Creator”: This worth is given to them by God. God IS the Creator. Without recognition of the Creator, a higher Creative Intelligent power that endows us with worth, we are left to our own estimations of worth and value. We make ourselves God. This worth, this equality, cannot be taken because it has been endowed not by man, but by God.
- “Unalienable”: Like a birthright, this worth, this equality is something that cannot be bought or sold, stolen or confiscated. These rights cannot be taken away or denied.
- “Right to Life”: The most basic human right is the right to live. After recognizing a Divine Creator, who alone endows worth and value and rights, it only follows that we yield to that Creator and recognize that that which He gives life to, we have no right to extinguish. Just as I have no right to enter another man’s property and burn down his house, because it does not belong to me, I have no right to take away the life of someone who belongs to God, our Creator.
- “Right to Liberty”: Nowadays, we use the word freedom more than liberty, but they are the same thing. Throughout the gospels, we read that Christ came to set free the captives. For freedom Christ has set us free. The Creator, in fact, chose, as the distinguishing characteristic of his Creation—FREE WILL. Without free will, true love, obedience, intimacy, courage, none of these things could be. Without freedom there is no opportunity for virtue. Coercion cannot produce true fruitfulness and godliness and virtue. Only by allowing free will, that is liberty, are we given the most precious opportunity of all: To choose Christ, to choose love, to choose obedience, to choose virtue, to choose good, to choose what is right.
- “Right to the Pursuit of Happiness”: This, of course, is the least clear of the unalienable rights. What is “happiness” – I suppose it is the pursuit of peace, stability, comfort, security, the pursuit of non-enmity with God and others. Bibically speaking, It is Shalom. And since it is the right of all, then our own right to pursue happiness extends only so far as that it does not impede someone else’s pursuit of happiness. That is, in order for this “right” to be effective, we have to think collectively, recognizing that some “happiness” may lead to another’s harm, so the obligation of a society is to pursue those happy ends which mean happiness for all, as much as possible not causing the harm of others in that pursuit.
- “Governments are instituted to secure these rights”: This is the purpose of government: To secure and protect the unalienable rights of the governed. That LIFE is first and foremost to be protected. That FREEDOM is then to be protected. And that we protect the people’s right to pursue happiness, within the confines of what contributes to the happiness of others as well. In other words, the government’s power is FROM the people and FOR the people.
- “Safety and Happiness”: The form of government shall be determined based on what will best provide, by the consent of the people, Safety and Happiness. In short, what will allow the governed people to thrive. To be kept alive, safe, and free. Happiness cannot thrive where life is not secured, happiness cannot thrive where constant threat is present. Happiness best thrives where basic needs are met and relative security and safety is ensured.
- “Appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world”: Yes! How wise to recognize that there is One Judge, ultimately. That all efforts and wars and revolutions must bow the knee to this One Judge and recognize that all authority and power comes from Him, and He is ultimately the only One who can judge right and wrong. All true justice comes from Him.
- “With a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence”: Far from being a declaration of their independence from God, this document is an affirmation of their dependence on God. They use the word “reliance” rather than “dependence” but it is the same idea. They recognized that ultimately their protection, favor, and justice would come from God alone, the Creator who had given them equality and worth, so they reaffirmed this reliance even as they made a stand against Great Britain. As I read this document, I do not detect a spirit of arrogance or superiority, but one of reasonable evidence and a humble recognition that God is the ultimate Judge and Protector.
How about you? What strikes you about this document? Happy fourth of July and thanks for reading!
PS 39-weeks today! Justice is coming! I welcome prayers for a smooth and blessed delivery!