Sacred Mundane: The Blog

Filling in My Blank is a story. I don’t know where it ends but you’re welcome to follow along here on the first, second, third, and fourth installments. Enjoy!

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Now, the decision was made. October 15^th we’d make the plunge and give 41%. I cannot tell you how this opened up a whole new world. Everything in scripture seemed to come to life. The next morning I went running, and while listening to praise music just started weeping. What an adventure to learn a tiny bit of walking by faith! All of a sudden it made sense, from James 2, where is says that those who are poor are rich in faith. When we have less we get to trust God more! How exciting this is!

Well, of course there was more to discover. God had another exciting opportunity for us. We continued to pray about this new plan, and even though I was excited, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable with the amount we spend, each month, on our house. Now, please hear my heart: There is NO right or wrong amount to spend on a house. There is no right or wrong size of a house. Godly people have big and small houses. Ungodly people have big and small houses.  But, I had prayed and asked God, “What more can I do?” Of course I’m not trying to earn his favor or salvation. That’s all been done. I’m just overwhelmed with how good God has been and how much need there is in our world. I had asked, “What more can I do?” Could it be, that that more was our house?

The next Friday afternoon, on a random whim :), we decided to take the kids to the park. We always walk to Tanner Creek, but for some reason we decided to walk to Sunset Park, which we’d actually never been to, even though it’s only a mile away. It has fewer hills so we thought the kids could walk, which meant we went s-l-o-w and had plenty of time to look around. Now, let’s just say that there is a significant house-value difference in living east of the Sunset Market and living west of the Sunset market. So let’s just say that while we were walking east of the sunset market we saw homes that were in a little bit different price-range than ours. Ok a lot different. Like half.

It’s hard to describe but it was like all of a sudden everything looked different to me. These little old cottages looked beautiful. They looked, to me, like little orphan children—a little dirty and scraped up, but beautiful still. Please don’t roll your eyes, I’m not trying to anthropomorphize (is that a word?) houses, I’m just saying they looked different to me. Before, to be honest, they’d looked like run-down pits that I would not want to raise my children in. There. I said it. Now, they looked like amazing potential for good.

On the walk home we day-dreamed together. “What if someday we sold…” We kept walking, talking. We realized that our hearts were in exactly the same place. It made me cry to see that God was knitting our hearts together in this decision.

After the kids were in bed that night, we sat down to really talk. I shared my heart about my struggle: I felt like our current house was the house that God gave us. But then, all of a sudden, it seemed so excessive. It felt like a weight around my neck that kept us from giving. I asked Jeff to share his heart. What he said, though spoken very kindly, caught me by surprise.

“That God gave us this specific house is not my story. I think it’s awesome that we live here, but that’s not my story. I think that’s your story. I think God gave us the opportunity to live here, because He loves us and knew that that would communicate to us how much He loves us, during a time when we needed that reassurance. But I do not think that somehow it is “God’s will” that we live in this particular house. We know He loves us. In fact, He’s shown us so much love that I’d be happy to give this place up.”

Wow. He’s right, I thought. I think, if I’m honest, I’d clung to the “God gave us this house” story because I wanted to stay here so very badly. I wanted to believe that God wanted me to live in this house. And again, it’s not that He does or doesn’t, it’s that He’s given us great freedom. We can choose how to use what He’s blessed us with. I needed to quit spiritualizing my desires. I needed to just let go.

We continued to pray. It still seemed like a stupid idea. Who sells their house only a year after you buy it? We’d poured tons of time into that yard. We built Dutch a tree house. I’d carried five tons of stone for that stupid retaining wall! We’d gotten rid of all our moving boxes. We’d moved eleven times for crying out loud. I didn’t want to move again!!

But then again, I did. Then again, I couldn’t think about anything else. Then again, nothing in the world made me more excited than the prospect of being able to do something different with that huge chunk of change. I researched giving opportunities—orphanages, micro-loans, support for prostitutes rescued from human-trafficking, wells, livestock for rural communities in India. So many wonderful opportunities that were now available to us!! The world had been turned upside down. Now, now we felt rich.

So a few more weeks of prayer and talking to our parents. To our amazement they were behind us 100%. If we could sell (that is still an “if”), we could look for something for half the price right here in West Linn (yes, this would require faith!), we’d have tremendous freedom to give, possibly even paying off our mortage in 5-10 years which would really free up finances. Yes, it would require a little bit different standard of living, but chances are we’d still have running water, an indoor toilet, and even a full kitchen. To the rest of the world those are luxuries! We called our realtor: “We’d like to put our house up for sale…”

It’s hard to even describe how amazing it was after we made the decision. I told Jeff it was like removing the stopper from a kitchen sink full of water, and turning on the faucet full-strength. I felt like all of a sudden there was water rushing through our lives, like somehow there was a stopper removed, and God was pouring out His presence, love, joy, like a torrent through me. Perhaps that sounds silly, it’s the only way I can describe it. I couldn’t sleep. I sat in the church office at church studying James to teach, and just cried tears of joy as I read God’s Word. Everything seemed new.

So, Friday, October 8^th our house went on the market. I have no idea what will happen. I have no idea if our house will sell. I have no idea where we will live if it does.

But I know God is wrecking my life in the most wonderful way and I love it. Oh how He loves us. By grace we are saved. We love because He first loved us. This change can be summarized in a picture I’ve had in my mind for the last month, a picture of myself:

I have a picture of myself standing on a street-corner, teaching and preaching the gospel. I have always been teaching and preaching—the gospel! The good news! Listen! But all of a sudden, I’ve been standing on that street-corner for years teaching and preaching, all of a sudden I look down, and lying right beside me, right at my feet, on the sidewalk, is a man bleeding to death. I’m horrified. I’ve been standing here this whole time, teaching and preaching, and I didn’t even know he was there. How did I not know he was there? Then I realize: Because I never looked around. Quick, no time to despair. And don’t stop teaching and preaching! You can walk and preach at the same time, right? Pick that guy up, keep teaching and preaching, and lug that guy to the hospital. Stop the bleeding! Save his life. And while you’re there, share the gospel with the doctors too. 🙂 It doesn’t have to be one or the other, right? Who sold us that lie? Provide clean water and share about the Living Water. Give bread and share about the One who is the bread of life. Clothe people and tell of the One who clothes us with salvation. Give generously and share about the One who gave His all for us.

That picture is etched in my mind. I’m not leaving the street-corner, and I’m certainly not going to stop teaching and preaching. But now, perhaps, I will at least just look around…

Filling in My Blank is a story. I don’t know where it will end, but you can catch up by reading the first, second, and third installments.  Enjoy!

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So by now, so many things had already lined up. Realizing that fall was fast-approaching, I finally started in on The Hole in our Gospel. I wrote a few posts about it (Because They’re All God’s Kids) and (The Tipping Point). It was, without a doubt, what God used as my tipping point. Here is what I wrote on Saturday, September 18th: after finishing the book:

Tonight at church we watched a video, and in the background was Brooke Fraser’s song about Rwanda, “Now that I have seen, I am responsible.”  And here is the cool thing about God–He only reveals to us what we can handle, and He only calls us to what we’re capable of doing.  He doesn’t ask us to give what we don’t have, just what we have. He doesn’t call us to change the world, He just calls us to obey when we hear His voice.  Just to obey when we hear His voice.

So we heard His voice.

All week, for whatever reason, Jeff and I just felt discouraged.  The kids were both sick, Jeff was swamped with work to do, I had a 3-day migraine that just wouldn’t leave me alone–it was just one of those weeks. Friday came and it rained, so Jeff and Dutch spent the afternoon playing trains, and I ignored the dirty house and curled up with The Hole in our Gospel. Well, thankfully I have a wonderful husband who took the initiative to bathe our children and put them to bed, because I didn’t put it down until 8pm that night when I read the final page.  Jeff came into our room. “Have you been crying?” He asked.  “Of course I have,” I responded.  I held up the book, closed my eyes and shook my head.  Of course I had been crying.  How can we read the horrors of poverty, disease, exploitation, and not weep? I know you all have been there. When the reality of the sorrow in this world is revealed, for what it really is, all we can do sometimes is grieve.

“What are we doing?”

I took some time to pray and think and Jeff went ahead (he wasn’t quite finished with the book), and read some more.  Then we met back up to talk about what we would do.

Now that we have seen we are responsible.

Here’s what shook me. Really shook me.   I’ve always thought of myself as a faithful giver.  I mean, I’ve been tithing since I was old enough to hold a quarter in my hand (thanks to my parents who put the quarter there!).  We do sponsor children, we do support missionaries, we do make special gifts for different causes.  But what Richard Stearns points out from Scripture, from David’s example and the widow’s two mites, is that it doesn’t matter how much we give, what matters is what it costs.  What matters is our faith.

Our current giving costs us nothing.  The bottom line is our current giving does not require us to live by faith. Now, please hear me that God calls all of us to different things.  This is why we CANNOT COMPARE our giving with someone else’s. All we can do is look at ourselves and ask, Does my current giving cost me anything? Does my current giving require me to life by faith? And, it’s worth noting, that this is true of all giving–our time, our talents, and our treasure.  It’s so much bigger than money, but where our treasure is there our heart will be too.

So here I am, sitting in bed, praying, thinking of our budget and our life and I just don’t know what to do.  I’ve laid everything out before the Lord and basically said, “Take it, whatever you want, show us what needs to go. We’ll move to Zambia, we’ll sell our house, we’ll sell a car.  Just show us your will.”  And very clearly I feel we are right where God wants us to be.  We know He’s called us to West Linn.    We know He’s called us to Willamette Christian Church.  I feel like He gave us our specific house in our specific neighborhood, in the middle of this specific community. We love it here. Together we even clearly felt it wise to keep our cars–as they are useful and paid for and great for the work that God wants us to do here.  Ok, so, we’re talking and I just keep saying how hard it is to live within this specific culture that God has called us to, without it costing so much that there’s nothing left to give!  We can’t just not have utilities and not buy car insurance–that’s just life in the United States!

And I kept thinking what’s the biggest expense/priority in our life?  By a landslide it’s our house.  In comparison to the rest of our spending, we spend a large portion on our house. More than any other single item.  In fact, it’s 41% of our take home pay (30% of our gross income).  So we’re sitting there and in a moment of silence Jeff says, “What if we determined to give away the same amount we spend on our home? You know, if giving was, even by a penny, the single largest portion of our income.” For a moment I felt like everything stood still.  Then I laughed, “Yeah, that would cost us! That would require faith.  We’d basically be living on less than 18% of one single income.” I calculated the number and laughed some more. It was impossible.  Then I shrugged my shoulders, “Well we can work toward it. That really would be cool.”   Jeff rolled over and went to sleep.

Of course I could not sleep. Of course I couldn’t get Jeff’s words out of my head.  Of course I could not get Scripture out of my head, images of children out of my head, stories of people who had given up everything they owned to help people in the name of Christ–of course none of that would get out of my head! I flipped on the light and started writing numbers.  To my amazement I realized that if we only spent on life’s absolute essentials–food, gas (significantly limited amount), insurance, utilities (with some conservation), prescriptions and co-pays, and Jeff’s monthly haircut (please do not laugh, this is a necessity if you know how hard it is to cut his hair), then, to my astonishment, it actually was possible.  It would require some cost, and certainly some faith, but I got that unmistakable feeling when you know God is up to something that will change your life.  Then, I crunched a few numbers to see what we could actually do with that money. If we continued to give the exact same amount to our local church, without taking a dime away from the work God’s doing there, we’d be able to (are you ready?), sponsor THIRTY-FIVE children. THIRTY FIVE!!!  Through some programs, that’s two whole orphanages!  I about fell out of bed.  Now I don’t know for sure if that’s how God’s leading us, and I know it’s not just about numbers, but that helped me to understand the amazing potential!  That is so exciting to me!  Seeing faces–real individual lives made in the image of God, helped me get this all in perspective.

So, then I wrote out a list of the things that didn’t make the cut–savings, house repairs, vacations, retirement, car repairs.  Obviously these things are truly wise and we would consider necessary expenditures.  However, this is so cool.  IF we gave in this way, our taxable income would be so low that we would get a sizable tax refund each year. We could simply commit to tucking that  away for retirement and use for the year’s house repairs, car repairs, emergencies, etc.  Thankfully we already have a Dave Ramsey-inspired emergency savings account, so it’s not as if we were being foolish, failing to have a back-up plan in case of emergency. I don’t believe that’s faith as much as poor planning.

But here is where the story gets fun because it gets personal. We have such a personal God! The three items I wrote down with question marks were–kids clothes (I certainly don’t need clothes but my kids actually grow out of theirs), toys (yes, I still want my children to have fun things to play with!), and learning/educational materials/books for the kids.  Like any mom, I didn’t want my children to go without. Bottom line? God loves our children more than we do, right?  Well…

So today we talk about this plan, and though we’re 99% sure we want to do it, we commit to pray about it.  We’d start on October 15th, so we have a few weeks to really pray and find out for sure God’s will in this.  So today there’s a clean-up day scheduled at church so Jeff goes to that.  Just as he’s leaving, some people pull in from church and say, “Hey! We have something for you.” They hand him a big bin FULL of kids toy Geotrax (train set), and another FULL of hot wheels cars, trucks, race ramps.  Jeff and I are just laughing, “Um…there’s Christmas!”  Guess I don’t have to worry about toys for my kids.  God knows their favorite kind!

Then, I got to church tonight, and as I’m leaving a friend says, “Hey, can you wait? I have something for you.” So I follow her out to the car and she hands me 2 HUGE boxes full of hand-me-down girl clothes from her daughter who is a year older than Heidi.  We’re talking a ton of clothes. So much that I had to call a friend and ask if she wanted to take half because there’s more than I can use.  Guess I don’t have to worry about clothes for my kids. 🙂  Then, this same girl (who is very generous by the way) hands me a brand new set of books, shrink wrapped, and she says that they are the reading curriculum that her son uses at his Montessori school.  She knew I was “homeschooling” for preschool and bought me a set for Dutch.  WHAT?!!  Um, I guess I don’t have to worry about books and educational materials for my kids. God knows the best kind out there.

So that was tonight.  I am now sitting in bed, overwhelmed at God’s goodness.  Tonight at church Joel preached the good news of the Gospel:

1As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:1-10)

God. Has. Been. So. Good.  God’s grace is astounding. We who were dead in our transgressions He has made alive. He has saved us by grace, and that not of ourselves.  We have done nothing to do deserve His kindness, but He lavishes it on us be His kindness.  And He we are His, created for good works which God prepared in advance for us to do. That is the good news! We are loved beyond comprehension. And God has marvelous things in store for us.

^{I do not know all that God has in store, and I don’t share this story to claim to have the answers on giving or to say that anyone else needs to do the same, etc. etc. I am simply sharing one God story, of a gracious God and how He’s leading us right now.  I know that your lives are full of the adventures of following a missional God who is out to show the world His power and glory.  And, if this is all new to you, I invite you to embrace the truth of God’s grace, His finished work on the cross. We can add nothing to it. It is done. Now we simply can slip our hand in His and ask Him what He wants us to do.  I don’t know exactly what that will be, but we’ll do our best, by grace, to obey…}

We started here talking about Filling in My Blank, sharing a journey of God slowly penciling a place that had been blank for too long.  So now, where to start? The story, of course, isn’t about me, it’s about God—so it has no beginning and no end. But I do remember little glimpses of when He began to let me in on His secret—that He so loved the world.

For me, really it began with my brother. My brother is a God-loves-the-nations fanatic. Quiet, reserved, and often speaking in mono-syllables, you wouldn’t know unless you scratch the surface a bit. But one poke and out pours a river of solid conviction that God’s heart is for every tribe, tongue and nation to worship Jesus as Lord. I still remember back in college, when we asked him to speak at our college ministry gathering.    Most of it sounded like a foreign language to me. I liked teaching 3-point messages with lots of alliteration (still do!), about how to live for God in our daily life. All of which is well and good and needed, but I wasn’t sure how tribes and tongues and nations had much to do with it.

Fast-forward eight years or so, after traveling to Brasil a couple times, England, Italy, France, Switzerland, and Israel. After watching my brother travel to India, China, Tibet, Kazhakstan, and Africa. I’d seen bits of the world and it made me very glad to live in America (and I still am, by the way!). I was still writing my alliterated messages, He was still preaching that same old God-loves-the-nations bit. A few particular moments stood out to me. One, was watching as he was offered two “dream jobs.” Both offered him *ahem* plenty of money. His dilemma? He wanted the lower-paying job because of the flexibility of living wherever they wanted, but knew that the higher paying one would enable him to give more to God’s work overseas. Truly, that was his dilemma. Naturally, I’d have already been on mls scoping out mansions, but he was determined not to raise their standard of living, but rather to give the newfound excess away. I shook my head. I really did not understand. He and his family settled in a modest home. (My admiration then turned to his wife, because if my husband had that job I’d have been kicking and screaming for the mansion down the street and a new SUV.) I still remember visiting them and seeing these gigantic new homes just right down the street from where they bought. Why on earth, I thought to myself, would you not buy one of those? Of course I wouldn’t say that out loud—how materialistic that would sound! 🙂 I mean, if God blesses you, why not enjoy it? That just didn’t make sense …

Shortly thereafter, the first poke at my heart began. It was a small poke, but a poke to be sure. Now, just to clarify, I have always been a firm believer in giving. Oh yes. Tithing from day one when my parents put a quarter in my fat little hand to put in the offering. But somehow I think I only saw the half of giving that is my obedient and joyful response to God. In other words, the way I saw it, all I was responsible for was getting it out of my hands and “into God’s.” And that is definitely a very good step! If you are there, please hear me, that is a great step! We do give to God and everything belongs to Him. And we ARE to tithe to our local churches and trust our God-given leaders to use that money as they see fit.  That is part of belonging to a local congregation.  But we shouldn’t stop there! I realized that I could go my whole life mindlessly writing my tithe check, without every really going above and beyond and giving with my mind and heart.   Recently my brother worded it like this, in his article on international giving:

“If the purpose of your giving is just to satisfy some religious obligation or clear your conscience, then I guess it doesn’t matter where you give it. If the purpose of your giving is to make a real tangible difference in people’s lives, why not look for how your monies can make the biggest impact for those that need it most?”

The difference was that my giving wasn’t relational it was religious. I was happy to give to God, but had no interest in actually alleviating any particular needs. I had no faces in mind. It was only about my faith, my trust in God, my journey. This is hard to articulate. Does that make sense?

Then God started stirring in my heart an idea for the LiveDifferent Challenges. Birthed from a simple story that a friend of mine told: He was going through his closet to pull out some sweaters to donate to a clothing drive his church was doing. Of course he pulled out several of his least-favorite that he hardly wore. “Give your favorite sweater,” he sensed God saying in his heart. “What?! My favorite J. Crew sweater! I wear it all the time. I love that one. No homeless guy will appreciate how nice that sweater is.” And then of course he remembered that he wasn’t giving clothing just to that guy, he was giving it to Jesus (Matthew 25). And, God wanted him to love that homeless man, even though he would never meet him or see his face.  God wanted my friend to give the homeless man his very best.

So the LiveDifferent Challenges began. I know they were nothing radical, but they were a baby step for me to take. Going a year without buying clothes was a challenge for me, but we (my brother, of course, matched me dollar for dollar) were able to dig a Jesus well in Asia to provide clean water for a village. That impacted me. For the first time I actually had my heart pricked with a teeny tiny bit of compassion for these beautiful people, created in the image of God, who didn’t even have clean water to drink. Gospel for Asia uses these wells to share the gospel with the people of the village. Realizing that I could partner with faithful ministers to provide physical needs and share the gospel—this was so exciting to me!

Also exciting at this time was the miracle-blessing of God providing a pastoring job for Jeff. In a swift dream-come-true series of events, we were landed plop on the top of the hill in beautiful West Linn, Oregon. God was finally blessing us! Hooray! It was as if all our prayers had been answered. We had an income, health insurance, two healthy children, and a brand-new beautiful home that was (and still is!) more than I ever dreamed I’d ever live in. We were (and are!) gushing over with thankfulness. Ahh…big exhale. Let’s settle down and throw away every single moving box.  I’m never moving again!!

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Fast forward. I was blessed to get more involved in women’s ministry, Jeff continues to love his job, we love the people we serve with, and we’re still delirious with joy at the fact that they continue sending us a paycheck every month. 🙂  Last Spring I found out that as a church we’d be doing a series this fall loosely based on the book The Hole in our Gospel, and all the church leaders were given a copy. It looked neat. I took mine home and put it on the shelf.  I had dozens of books to read so it would have to wait.  We then decided to continue to do live teaching and write our own studies for women’s Bible study in the fall. The topic? The book of James. So that things wouldn’t be stressful once fall arrived, I started studying and writing homework in June. Later in the summer, I had the privilege of visiting the Real.Life. Exhibit through Medical Teams International. You can see where this is all going.

Really, I didn’t have a fighting chance. You put the book of James, The Hole in our Gospel, and the Real.Life. exhibit all together and anyone with a pulse will dissolve in a heap on the floor. After the exhibit I was stirred, but felt sort of helpless as I sat and tweaked our budget—a dollar here and a dollar there. I couldn’t figure out any way to spend less so we could give more! And it wasn’t as if I could travel to those countries or volunteer any more of my time. I’m a busy ministry mommy, and sensed that I’m right where I’m supposed to be in terms of location and vocation. I could pray, yes. I was gripped by a thought that perhaps there was something else. God, what else can we do?