An Entirely Different Letter to Dutch
Dear Dutch,
I put you to bed early tonight because otherwise I would have thrown you out the window.
I’ve been getting my domestic groove on and have been researching all week this tried-and-true sworn-by method I keep hearing about–potty training in a day. My mom did it with both your uncle Kris and me and she swears by it. I stayed up until midnight last night researching, reading about it, preparing. The expert mom said her kids usually mastered it in 4 hours, all under the age of 3. So I learned how to throw a Potty Party. I baked cupcakes. I wrapped up a “potty bear”, with gift wrap and tissue paper, complete with sweatpants, Lightning McQueen underwear, and a nasal aspirator full of water to make him “pee” in the toilet. I went to the store (with coupons!) and bought plenty of salty snacks and apple juice. I prayed. I educated Jeff about our process–an entire day in the bathroom, graduating from the toilet seat to a chair next to it, then slowly adding articles of clothing as you mastered taking the initiative to go potty yourself. And then your daddy and I sat, on the floor, in the bathroom, reading books to you for NINE HOURS.
And you’re still peeing on the floor.
And I’m sorry to say I was just about as frustrated as I’ve ever been after I’d showed you about two-hundred times how to put on your underwear, and it just wasn’t clicking. I was terrified realizing I could become the mom who yells at their kid when he can’t tie his shoes.
But tonight, when I came back into your room and snuggled in your bed, just to make sure you knew I wasn’t mad, you made the whole ridiculous day worthwhile:
“I love you, Dutch.”
“I love you too, Mommy!”
“I’m so proud of you, Dutch.”
“I’m so proud of you too, Mommy!” and then you covered my face with a dozen of your best wet kisses. That was the first time today that anything wet was a positive thing.
I love you to pieces, you remember that. Even if you wear diapers for the rest of your life I’ll love you. But, babe–you gotta help me out here. You, me, that toilet. We’re gonna get this, alright? We’re doing round two tomorrow. And I’ve resolved not to cry. One of us has to be the grown-up. Deal?
See you in the morning,
mom
New Year's Resolution: The 1950s Housewife
In our marriage, and probably in every marriage, it seems that we cruise a while, then need a course-correction, cruise a while, then course-correction. The course-correction (aka conflict), usually occurs when we’re tired, in transition, stressed, etc. But usually it has a great outcome–it brings issues to a head and causes us to talk through, pray, brainstorm, and be more intentional in our relationship.
Jeff and I have recently had a course correction, and so we’ve related it to our New Year’s Resolutions. Actually, my resolutions aren’t things he’s asked me to do, just this sort of idea that’s been brewing in my brain for a while now.
New Year’s Resolution: I think this is the year I am finally going to acknowledge that I am a wife and stay-at-home mom. Wow, aren’t you impressed by my ambition? Last year my new year’s resolution was to write a book. This year? Acknowledge I’m a wife and stay-at-home mom. So what do I mean by this?
Not to beat a dead horse, but again–our life has been transition up until this point. Truthfully (and this is probably because of pride), I always identified with the seminary/ministry stuff of our life a lot more than the wife/mother stuff of our life. Because of that–often my husband, children, and even house…can get leftovers. I think in fact I probably was even prideful about the fact that I was too busy in seminary & ministry things to spend much time in domestic matters. I’m sure I’ve looked down my nose at moms who busy themselves with reading parenting magazines, clipping coupons (I’ve eaten my words there!), obsessing over cloth or disposable diapers. The result: We rarely sit down as a family and eat dinner together, my son often goes to bed without brushing his teeth, the house is usually a mess when Jeff gets home from work, I haven’t read the parenting books I’ve always said I would, and I haven’t been intentional about teaching Dutch the scriptures or a whole host of other things. Oh, and I hardly ever make the bed. Now, I’m not talking about mommy-guilt or trying to be the perfect wife, blah blah blah. I’m just talking about finally embracing that this season is primarily about being a wife and a mom. And, I’ve been finding the last few days of embracing this that I am WAY happier when things at home are first taken care of. Ya’ll are laughing right now because you’ve known this truth for years.
So what does this have to do with a 1950s housewife? Well I remember this hilarious article Jeff found a few years ago, that was actually published in 1955, called The Good Wife’s Guide. Of course some of it was horrific, including advice to never question if your husband returns home late or stays out all night (!). Some obvious issues there. However, I think maybe there’s something in there, under the ridiculousness of offering to take off his shoes, that’s just right for me. Right now. If I want my husband to be a prince, maybe I ought to treat him like one. If I want him to be the spiritual leader maybe I ought to let him be. If I want our home to be a beautiful haven, maybe I ought to take care of it like it is. If I want my children to grow up to be strong trees, maybe I ought to water them. Just an idea. So this last week “50s housewife” has been my secret motto, just as a reminder that little things like keeping up the house, praying together in the morning, and sitting down to dinner actually do make me a WAY happier lady.
So some of the recent changes (& Resolutions):
1. Taking my kids grocery shopping with me. Now I won’t do this all the time, but I realized I was doing them a disservice by not training them to behave in the grocery store. I can’t just not take them into public and then get all bent out of shape when I finally do and they misbehave. They need some practice. What better place than a grocery store–everyone expects kids to misbehave there. So, today we did it–in fact I was Domestic Diva, because we did Coupon Extravaganza at Safeway ($127 of food for $51), which had some near-disasters but we survived, then a trip to Rite-Aid where I had to leave the store temporarily to discipline Dutch and the security man followed me out to my car and accused me of shoplifting! Ha! Yeah, that was a highlight, I’ve never been accused of that before (I had tucked my coupon into my pocket and so he was suspicious–that’s fair. He was nice about it.) Anyway, we did it!
2. Eating dinner together. Jeff can be squirrely when it comes to his arrival time, so sometimes this is tricky. But he’s making an effort too! Two nights in a row so far and I’m loving it. Dutch even set the table tonight on his own and Heidi contributed by throwing Cheerios all over the floor.
3. Making the bed. Ok how pathetic is it that this is a New Year’s Resolution? Laugh if you want.
4. Have the house straightened up and looking nice when Jeff gets home. Greet him at the door with a hug and kiss (instead of a grunt and a glance at the clock) :).
5. Praying together every morning. This is what we always used to do and I miss it so much. We’re finally back at it, after giving Jeff strict instructions that even if I whimpered and begged to sleep five more minutes, to pull back the covers, slide his arms under me, and carry me down the stairs if that’s what it took (and it did). I’m floored at the difference.
6. Have a plan every day. Not that every day has to be an amazing field trip, but I want to have a plan for something fun or educational or just an experience, each and every day. Monday was the library, then watching excavators. Tuesday was a visiting to my grandma. Today was groceries. Tomorrow, a long walk and “fishing”. My goal is just have one thing on the docket–even if it’s just coloring a picture or baking cookies or learning a new song. One thing for us to “do” each day.
What a funny contrast to my previous year’s resolutions. Of course I’ll keep reading through the Word each year, keep up with Bible study and teaching, do women’s ministry, keep writing, read books that make me think. But, this year, 2010 is the year of the 50s housewife. I like it. Maybe I’ll even wear an apron over my skinny jeans. I could get into this.
Settling into my own thin skin.
Happy New Year! It is very uncharacteristic of me to have no New Year’s Resolutions to post. But I haven’t a one. This mostly has to do with the fact that New Year’s Day I came down with a stomach flu bug that beat me within an inch of my life (ok exaggerating, but it was awful), so after throwing up for 24 hours, I wasn’t exactly chompin’ at the bit to tackle the year ahead. Today I wondered what was worse–the 24 hour flu or the 24 hours that follow where you have to pick up your house that looks like a tornado hit. I really don’t know how two little kids (and one who doesn’t even crawl!) can do so much damage in such a short amount of time. But, my dear husband read books, wrestled, played trains, got snacks, and wiped bottoms, so I got the house clean and now can settle down to write a quick thought.
I mentioned in my last post, I believe, that being in ministry requires thick skin. I grew up with a tough dad, a tough brother, and a childhood of playing lots of competitive sports, so I never thought I was a wimp. But then sometimes–you know how it is–some little comment or misunderstanding or criticism, and next thing you know I’m all worked up inside, feeling defensive and frustrated and hurt. A week later it’s silly, but at the time I get in a huff. So I determined that I needed to get thicker skin. That’s what they say in seminary all the time, right? Ministry workers need thick skin and a tender heart. I’ve heard it a dozen times.
But do we? First of all, I am resolving that 2010 is the year of settling into my skin. You know Jeff and I have transitioned ourselves to smithereens. We’ve moved 11 times for goodness sake! I feel like the almost 7 years of our marriage has been one long transition. But now, now now! Now, we are actually getting settled. It feels so good. Not that we just coast now, but it feels good to be where we hope to remain long term. To minister to people who we pray that God allows us to grow old with. It’s fun to watch Dutch play with the neighbor kids and wonder if they’ll play high school football together. And because of that, I strangely feel like I can now just be me. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone, but in all the transition it’s almost like I had to transition–myself, all the time. Now, here I am. The choices we’ve made, we’ve made. I’m excited to turn 30 in a few months. I bought a pair of skinny jeans. I’m never going to quit eating cookie dough and I’m not going to feel guilty for using disposable diapers (you can tell that one was hard, huh?). I want to grow, improve, deepen, develop, of course, but the general package that God created, the skin he plopped me into–I think this is the year that my resolution is to just look at Jesus and thank Him for creating me at all. And above that, thank Him that He created me as His work of art (poema, Eph 2:10), specifically designed to be a poem that tells of His grace.
So in this settling into my skin, I’m wondering if indeed I need it to be thicker. I realized today that I don’t. The problem is not thick skin, it’s misplaced concern. (another word would be pride) It doesn’t matter how thick or thin our skin is, it’s who we’re concerned about. Who’s glory is at stake? Who are we trying to make famous? Today I thought of something that irritated me and then I thought, “Did that harm Jesus, or me?” It was me. I pulled up another thought: “Jesus or me?” It was me again. In fact, surprise surprise, the things that were bothering me were things that had nothing to do with God’s fame and glory, they were just criticisms that wounded my pride, made me feel hurt, frustrated my own plans. It wasn’t a problem with how thick my skin was, it was a problem of who’s skin I was worried about. My own, or Christ’s?
When God’s glory is at stake, I need to be thin-skinned! Refuse to let myself handle His Word sloppily, refuse to let myself treat His people poorly, refuse to let myself become lazy in my pursuit of His truth, refuse to let myself put other gods (myself, my reputation) before Him, refuse to let myself get in a hissy fit over silly criticisms. Those are the things that should bother me. Or, as Joel talked about this morning, these are the things that we should weep over. As Nehemiah wept over the state of Jerusalem, how Josiah wept over the state of God’s people, as Christ wept over the state of this world. Thick-skinned people don’t weep. But people wholly concerned with the glory of God get bent out of shape over assaults on His holiness, His name, His fame.
So I guess if I had to sum up my resolution for 2010 in a sentence (though a list is bound to come, because you know goal-oriented me can’t help myself), it’d be that I want to settle down into my own thin skin and get bent out of shape for the things of God: His glory, His kingdom, His people. Kind of a tall order, I know, given my history of waving the Kari-flag most of the time. But I’m pretty sure that’s His will, so I think He’ll help me along the way.
Just saying hi.
Right now, I’m cuddled up under a quilt (thank you Momma!), next to my sweet husband. I’m wearing my biggest, comfiest sweats, and I have that fuzzy-headed feeling from just waking up from a nap. Yes, that’s right–a nap! That’s unheard of. Sheer exhaustion drove me to snuggle down this Sunday afternoon and drift off. It was heavenly.
We had a FULL and wonderful holiday week. Dutch turned three, had two parties, lots of visitors and gifts (read: our house is overrun with toys and I have no idea how to tame the monster). We had some big ministry situations. All our families came to our house for Christmas, which was a dream for us. We did Christmas Eve service, then a big day on Christmas, then Jeff got sick but was scheduled to preach all three services this weekend. So he did, of course. He did great, but the confession is when Jeff preaches I am a nervous wreck. I love hearing from him, but I have yet to develop the alligator-hide skin that is necessary when in ministry, so sometimes I struggle with processing the abundance of feedback that one receives. There were also a couple other relational needs throughout the week, which is awesome, but left me, by today, feeling like if I didn’t lie down I would collapse into a heap. So I napped, and O thank You Jesus that You give your beloved sleep (Psalm 127:2). I now have warm-fuzzies, am snuggly warm in my sweats, and am happy again!
So I’ve been remiss in that I’ve not given a CCE update like I said I would. Jeff made me promise that I would not turn this blog into a coupon-cutting site, so I promised him I won’t start making every post about my “deals”, but I do enjoy passing on what I’m learning in all areas, even hair-highlighting.
One cool thing is that I did my first ever try at getting free stuff at the grocery store and it was actually a great success. I went to Safeway and Albertsons, armed with my coupons, and got: 10 lbs. of potatoes, 4 boxes of Corn flakes, 3 boxes of Raisin Bran, four cans of corn, 4 packages of shredded cheese–all for $5. So that’s kind of cool. And we’re the kind of family that on a busy day is happy to eat cereal for dinner, so 7 extra boxes is actually perfect for us.
Secondly, the hair. Well that’s part of the reason I needed a nap today. My hair stinkin’ wore me out this week. 🙂 My friend did mine on Sunday and it was fine. It looked natural, and I was happy. The problem came when, later in the week, I decided that you couldn’t really tell it was highlighted, it was so near my natural color, so I decided (start cringing now), that 2 hours before the Christmas Eve service, while my children were in the bathtub (I was right next to them I promise), that I would just “touch up” my own a little bit, add a few more highlights. You know, spice it up a bit. Oh dear. It was a disaster. It was so blotchy, uneven, and the color was a brassy awful color. Of course I was home alone, couldn’t leave the kids, and had to be at church in an hour, so I had no choice but to swallow my pride, get creative with how I fixed my hair (bobby pinning pieces in place to cover the blotches) and go to church. Right as I finally got composed and resolved not to cry, I went to get Dutch up (minutes before we had to be out the door), and he had taken off his diaper and diarrhea pooped all over the carpet. Yes. That’s when the tears came. Of course it all worked out, no one was injured, and thankfully church was a candlelit service. That night I ran to rite-aid (with my coupons!), and bought a dark blond color that matched my natural color, at the root, and dyed my whole head a dark color to at least just cover up all the awfulness. That was fine, then Christmas night, Jeff did the little cap-and-hook highlight thing for me and it turned out just fine. So now I am happy, my hair looks fine, and it still only cost an extra $15 for the mistake. I think I’ll stick with it and learn how to do it better each time.
I guess I’m only sharing that because what this whole CCE thing is showing me is that it’s ok that I’m not going to get it perfect the first time. I don’t have to “get” all the deals just right. I’m going to learn as I go. I’m really really bad at highlighting my own hair so I shouldn’t try. I’m learning, you know? And because I’m not very good at trying new things, it’s good for me to try things. Just like my sweater-collage concoction. The more I look at it the more I realize how it looks like a preschooler sewed it together. But how can I get better unless I try? I’m learning.
So it was a fabulous, exhausting week. The kids are up now and break time is over. Thanks for adventuring with me on this little journey. And don’t forget to nap!