A Secret Revealed
I love God-stories. It’s always encouraging when we encounter God’s amazing hand of provision, and then we can share with each other and bolster our faith in His promises. Yesterday at small group I recounted one of those stories, but had no idea how sweet the story really was…
We’ve been talking about Generosity, and it seems that everywhere I look (I’m reading 2 Corinthians right now) God is urging us to give, to freely give, to invest in the Kingdom of God. It’s awesome, and I’m excited to see all that God is doing. So yesterday at small group, one couple was being tested in their faith in God, and I shared this story, from my way back college ministry days, way before Jeff and I were married or even an item or even liked each other…
We were donation supported missionaries, which meant that you had no idea how much money you would make each month, but the one thing you were guaranteed was that it wouldn’t be much. I lived on about $500/month, and that included rent. Well in the process of learning to trust God for my finances, this one month I sensed Him leading me, very clearly, to commit to supporting some missionaries to Brasil $25/month. It wasn’t a lot, but it was for me, especially on top of tithing the puny 10% of little income. So I committed to it. The next month, I received my paycheck and my heart sunk. It was less than my rent. Now I knew God stretched dollars, but this just didn’t add up. I had to pay rent and didn’t have enough money. And I had committed to these missionaries!
So that morning I went for a long walk with roommate, cried, and prayed to God, asking Him to provide. I very clearly sensed God asking me to write the check to the missionaries FIRST. Before I worried about rent, write the gift check first. So, I so clearly remember going to class (I was in a one-year Bible/ ministry training school at the time), and during a break sitting there with shaky hand writing out that $25 check. Ok, Lord. I still had told no one about my money situation.
From class I went straight to our college-ministry staff meeting. I was discouraged and near tears, but didn’t want to share with them why. God kept just putting on my heart to trust Him in this. I kept quiet. About halfway through our meeting, our administrator poked his head in and asked me to come into his office. I walked in and sat down, “Yes?” “Well,” he responded, “I don’t know why, but you just received an $800 gift from an anonymous donor.” My jaw dropped as my eyes filled up with tears. What?! I had never received $800 in a whole month, ever! Let alone as a BONUS! Let alone as an anonymous gift at the very MOMENT that I needed it. I thanked him profusely, took my check, and beaming from ear to ear went back to the meeting, holding my secret kiss from God safely in my pocket.
I’ve always said I’ll carry that story with me to the grave. God has provided in lots of “bigger” ways I suppose since then, but that was such a vivid example to me, during a season when I was single, longing to be married and “taken care of” by someone, but trusting God to be my provider. I’ll always remember writing that $25 check. And I’ll always remember sitting there, tears streaming down my cheeks about how sweet my God is to me.
—
So yesterday at small group I told that story again. I’ve shared it several times over the years, and it seemed like an appropriate time. Afterward we drove home, talking about various things, went to bed, life going on as usual.
But then this afternoon I received an unexpected text message. From Jeff. It read: “I have a confession. I know who gave you that check. But they had no idea what your circumstances were.” Again, my jaw dropped. What? Really?!
Tonight as Jeff walked in the door I stood looking up at him, hands on my hips, and smiled. “It was YOU?” He grinned. “I just thought it was time you should know.” The story is still as amazing, because Jeff had no idea how in-need I was at the time. He just sensed it was the right thing to do. Plus, he insists that it proves how much he liked me back then (which I insist isn’t true). In his words: “I never gave any money to the other staff!” 🙂
How like God to not only shower me with His love in such a tangible way, but to even use my future husband to do it. To show me that even when I felt alone and vulnerable, He was using a co-worker brother in the Lord, who would become my husband, to care for me. It still amazes me.
So the story still has me amazed. Now I’m not in awe of the anonymity, but of how cool of God is, how creative, and how great His love is for us. Thank you, babe, for that first check you gave me, and for all the paychecks ever since. 🙂
Forgetting about Myself
Well maybe this won’t strike you all as that funny, but for me, who is obsessively overly occupied with myself, it was a great inside joke with myself. 🙂
This morning I had the treat of a PJ date. A friend of mine and I have tea dates every few weeks and commit to staying in our PJs, (no shower, no makeup) just because we can and it’s fun to be cozy and comfy with each other. So, in true spirit, I didn’t put makeup on this morning and actually didn’t even brush my hair (partly because I knew what a kick she’d get out of seeing how it made such odd-looking matted spots in the back–we have similar hair). So you get the picture, funky matted hair, not a speck of makeup, yoga pants. Yeah, beautiful. So then she left and the day got busy, and I did finally pull on old jeans and a (dirty) sweater but left the rest as it was. We had company coming over for dinner tonight, a family we’ve recently become acquainted with, but who we’ve never spent time actually sitting down with before. They had blessed us with some plants for our yard and I really wanted to make the evening special for them.
So, I made dinner, lit candles, even set the table (that is a lot for me!), set out sparkling cider, got the lighting just right. Jeff came home early and it was wonderful. At the last minute I thought maybe I should run up and change clothes, so I asked Jeff, “Should I put on a clean sweater?” He kind of gave me a funny look, but just said, “your sweater is fine.” Ok, fine, so I sat and snuggled and read a book to Dutch instead. So they came, we had an awesome evening together, super fun, we totally hit it off. And just as they were packing up to leave the husband made a comment about our half bathroom (how big it is). We walked in there to talk about it and I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror–yikes!–hahaa, I almost started laughing when I realized I still had the matted, knotted bed-hair, the zero-make-up face. I hadn’t even realized. They gathered their things and left and I stood smiling to myself, realizing how fun it is to forget myself.
Not that going without makeup or brushing hair is a big deal. I’ve certainly seen people like that, run to the store like that, etc. But what was fun was just getting so engrossed in wanting the evening to be fun and special for them that I totally forgot to even look at myself! And you know what, that’s probably part of the reason we had such a wonderful night.
I still think that it’s part of being respectful that we make ourselves look nice for each other, as part of showing that we value each other. But it was a fun little moment, even if it was short-lived, where a little forgetting about myself was just the perfect thing.
Discount Distraction, Discount Distress
I’m discovering the truth about Discount Distress.
Now, to set the stage, understand that I’m coming off of a 1-year clothing fast, plus not having a home for over 2 years, plus not having an income for more than a year of that time. And while there were plenty of stresses associated with those three things, I will say it simplified life. I had no money, but that was ok because I couldn’t buy clothes and I couldn’t buy house stuff. No looking for sales, no perusing stores, no searching for the best deals.
So it is only recently I’ve realized the danger and distraction of Discounts and Deals. Check out this scenario and tell me if you can relate.
Because I love deals and discounts, I like Goodwill. So, while at Goodwill this summer, I found a dark brown Banana Republic sweater dress, for $7. STEAL. It fit perfect. Done. So I get the dress home and stand in bright light and realize even though it’s a sweater, it’s a bit sheer. But it’s beautiful. And it was such a good deal! Now I didn’t own a slip or camisole because, mind you, I don’t buy much=don’t have much. But the dress was such a good deal. So next time I’m out I go to Target and get a slip and camisole top. $12 each. Ok, now that’s $31 I’ve spent. So now I have the dress and I wear it and I really do like it, but before long it is Fall and now I realize that if I want to keep wearing it I need what? Tights. I don’t have any tights. (I also was given another brown dress from a friend, so I figure one pair of tights, two dresses, good deal!) So while at Winco (because I’m cheap) I toss in a pair of tights because they are only $3. But somehow they don’t make it from the checkout stand into my bag (you bag your own groceries there so I can’t blame anyone but myself), so when I get home, no tights. So next time I’m at Target I go to buy tights. And, because I’m cheap, I buy the cheapest pair, for $5, even though I have a sinking suspicion they aren’t quite the right color. I get home, try them on–totally not the right color. So the next time I go I have to go ahead and get the good tights that are the right color, for $9. Total now? $48. It is then I realize that the only brown-tone shoes that I own (that aren’t summer sandals) are lighter camel-colored. They are comfortable and wonderful, but if you have ever tried to wear dark tights with light shoes you know you have a nightmare on your hands.
So do you know what I actually did this week? I went and bought dark brown boots. Yes, it sounds completely asinine now, but I went to Payless (because I’m cheap) and bought $45 dark brown boots, to wear with my stupid $7 dress, which now would add up to$93 stupid dollars in order to wear it. And not just the money, but the distress! How much precious time have I spent on this? Minutes I can never have back. It makes the hate the dress. 🙂
If we’re not careful, an obsession with discounts can lead to distress. What gets me is that I feel like having constant sale-notices and email updates and so forth makes me feel like I need to go and somehow take advantage of the deal. How many times have I gone to Michael’s just because I have that stupid 40% off coupon? Wanting to sniff out the discount and get the steal-of-a-deal can actually steal my joy. It’s a distraction. So this morning in my quiet time, I open up to where I am in my daily Bible reading and happened to be in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul is addressing being married and unmarried, but the topic is the same. Listen to these tidbits:
This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those…who buy [live] as though they had no goods, 31and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.
32I want you to be free from anxieties…I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
It is so true! The more I chase after discounts and deals and chase the silly accessories for a silly outfit, the more divided my devotion becomes. The reason Paul, writing under the influence of the Holy Spirit, urges people to refrain from being unnecessarily caught up in the world is “not to lay any restraint” on us, but for our own benefit, that we would be free from anxiety. Because even our drive to find discounts can be distressing, distracting us from undivided devotion to God and to people. How much more time I’d have with my kids, with my husband, with giving back to my world, if I spent less time and energy finding a deal, and just only bought the necessities. And, I have a sneaking suspicion we’d probably save money!
So, this is certainly not meant to be a coupon-bashing post! I still love coupons and still love deals. But you better believe I marched back to Payless today and returned those stupid boots! I’ve survived this long without dark brown boots and I think I will continue. I’ll save my silly $7 dress for summer and have one less thing to worry about wearing this winter. For me, getting too dialed in on discounts can only cause distress. A dose of perspective, and a little contentment, go a long way.
Something to Give
So I have this funny disorder which Jeff calls “non-buyer’s remorse.” Unlike buyer’s remorse, I always regret having not purchased the item I find when I’m out and about. This is because spending money is still like pulling teeth for me, and I have the most ridiculous time actually making my hand reach out, take the item, and make the purchase. Of course I can buy groceries, and I love getting deals on house stuff or clothes, but it’s still hard for me and so often I’ll come home from a shopping trip, tell Jeff about some amazing thing I saw or some super cool sale I found, and he’ll say, “So did you buy it?” and I, almost without fail, say, “No…I just couldn’t decide.” Of course this can be good, and I really do think that it saves us money, but it can also be ridiculous and crippling.
For example, it’s ridiculous because I have a very limited amount of time in which to do my shopping, so if I don’t get something while I have the chance, the chance is over. This means that on more occasions than I care to admit, I find myself showing up for some party or event empty handed, wishing I had spent the stupid money to have something to give. It is a horrible habit that I can’t decide what to get someone for a birthday or special occasion and so then the time comes and I run out of time and so I either don’t have anything to give or it’s some ugly homemade card with a lame “sorry I don’t have something cool for you” note written inside.
It’s an awful feeling to not have anything to give.
Today I drove to Multnomah Seminary, something I hadn’t done in a while, and drove up the familiar Glisan off-ramp where homeless people always stand and ask for food and money. When I went to class regularly, I always tried to think ahead and pack a banana or protein bars or something so I could have something to give them. But as I took that familiar off-ramp, instinctively I thought of the people and realized, “Oh shoot! I don’t have anything to give!” I hate that feeling.
So yesterday I made a conscious effort to overcome this disorder. I knew I had a special someone’s special day coming up, and I knew what I wanted to do. But when the time came to do it, to make the purchase, to go for it, poor Jeff (who was with me) had to listen to me say at least a dozen times, “I don’t know. Should I buy it? I don’t know. I’ll just wait.” Well he knew that was stupid because I certainly wouldn’t be returning to this particular place again, so he made a smart decision: “I’m going to go get the car, and by the time I pull up you need to have purchased something.” Viola! I did it. And you know what? I’m so glad I did, because now I know that when this special day arrives, I’ll have something to give.
Why is it such a bad feeling, to not have something to give? Because it communicates, “I didn’t actually give your [birthday, wedding, Christmas gift] that much thought. I didn’t actually think about it at all because it doesn’t really matter that much to me. Of course I purchased food for myself and put gas in my car and picked out an outfit for myself to wear, but I didn’t think about you enough or care about you enough to take the time and money to prepare something to give you. I just didn’t really care that much.”
Sad.
I wonder how we will feel when the most glorious special event of all time comes? When Jesus returns or calls us home. I wonder how we will feel when we are given the opportunity to present to Him our good works, when we are given opportunity to cast our crown at His feet, when we will lay it all before Him in adoration.
How tragically awkward that will feel if we have nothing to give. At any moment He could call us home or return for us. No time to scrap together a homemade card of good works, no time to run to Target and toss together a golden crown to cast at His feet. What we have is what we have. And I can’t imagine a more awful feeling than to have to say to the Savior, “I didn’t actually give You that much thought. I didn’t actually think about it at all because it didn’t really matter that much to me. Of course I purchased food for myself and put gas in my car and picked out an outfit for myself to wear, but I didn’t really think about You enough or care about You enough to take the time and money to prepare something to give you. I just didn’t really care that much.”
I don’t want to meet Jesus empty-handed. Of course our salvation is only by His grace, a gift HE gives to us. But we can invest our time and money and energy here on earth to lay up treasures in heaven, treasures we can lay before Him, cast at His feet, gloriously exulting in the joy that is having something to give to our most precious Savior. I pray God would allow me to remember that awful feeling–of arriving empty-handed–to drive me to prepare to meet my Jesus. I just want to make sure I have something to give.