Forget the Ideal, Embrace the Real
First off, thanks to those of you who are hanging with me during this season of oh-so-sporadic posts. I do intend to get back in the swing of things soon, not because I have to but because I love the outlet of writing. We’ve just finished our women’s Bible study, and are taking a two-month break for the holidays, so hopefully more time to invest in thinking…
During this Love & Relationship series, oddly enough probably the biggest takeaway lesson for me was a minor sidepoint in the book, and wasn’t even mentioned in any of our Bible studies. The author discussed Forget the Ideal, Embrace the Real. Here is the trap I fall into:
Friday is Jeff’s day off. YAY! I get so excited for it. I envision little Familia Americana all sleeping in late, waking up happy, romping around in a jammies and eating pancakes while laughing and enjoying each other. The children will be perfectly behaved, Jeff will be happy and funny, completely unplugged and removed from work worries, and we’ll curl up by the fire and read stories, and the kids will be so engaged in his story-telling that I can sneak off and have alone time. Then we’ll go for a long walk so Jeff and I can get talk time and exercise, and the kids will laugh and Dutch will say precious cute things the whole time. Then the kids will nap and Jeff will joyfully and enthusiastically ask me, “What jobs around the house can I do for you, honey?” and then he’ll effortlessly hang all our window treatments, organize the garage into color-coded plastic totes all with matching labels, park both cars (which he will have cleaned out) side by side, and clean his office to perfection. All, mind you, while singing along to worship music while I sew or decorate or sip tea.
Insert real Friday: Heidi wakes up super early for some reason, and after I get her I realize Jeff’s not in bed. Why? Because he’s downstairs working on his laptop, finishing all the things he didn’t have time to do during the week, trying to be done by the time I get up so I don’t let out that signature *big sigh* to express my disapproval. 🙂 Since Heidi’s up, I’m up, so I try to have my quiet time with God but she wants to eat the Bible and pull my hair, and then Dutch can smell that we are all up so he starts banging on the door. “I’m awake! I’m awake, mommy!” I don’t have to go through the whole day but you can imagine–people call, unexpected things happen at church, kids are cranky, it rains, house projects never go smoothly, and Dutch hits Heidi on the head with a hammer while he’s pretending to be Bob the Builder.
That’s the real. And for a long time I have struggled with this every Friday. So often Fridays would feel like a let-down because of this false expectation about the Ideal. But this Embracing the Real has helped me so much.
So last night, my Friday night plans were unexpectedly cancelled, and Jeff’s also fell through, so we all of a sudden had a family night at home that we hadn’t planned. Dutch was crazy and running around, the house was a mess, and we needed something to do or we both knew we’d go crazy. We looked at each other and said, “This is the real. Let’s embrace it.” So, I knew Safeway was having a crazy sale on apples, so I went and bought 50 lbs. of apples, lugged them home, got out the corer/slicer (the cool kind with the crank that clamps to the table), and Dutch and I (yes, together) cored and sliced 50 lbs. of apples for applesauce. He turned the crank, he handed me the apples, he dumped the cores into a bucket–by the time we were done we were dripping with sticky apple juice running down our arms, the floor was a sticky mess, our fingernails were (are) brown, and we had a blast.
Then Jeff and Dutch watched a cartoon and I had the supremely satisfying pleasure of cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom (it’s a sickness, I know. I love things clean), while singing aloud to my favorite worship mix.
I guess the only reason I’m sharing this is that so often my stupid expectation of the ideal just messes everything up. I’m not ideal, so why should I expect my circumstances or my children or my husband to be? ANd then, when I finally do manage to let go of that ideal and embrace the real, the real becomes beautiful. Not perfect, but so awesome I love it and wouldn’t change anything. My kids are my kids, and they’re awesome. My husband is my husband, and he’s awesome. So often we take something wonderful and compare the joy right out of it. Our Fridays aren’t perfect, because we’re not, but I love every ounce of my little imperfect family.
And speaking of our family–we leave on vacation tomorrow! Yay! We’ll be gone for a week. We’re getting a beautiful 4 bedroom lodge all to ourselves, with a huge master suite, big soak tub, fireplace, and library. We get to lounge, read, sip tea, take fun day trips to see the breathtaking views, and we even have a private babysitter one of the nights so we can have a date out on the town. Doesn’t that sound amazing? I know; I can’t wait. Do you have any idea where we’re going? 🙂
Just You and Me
Are you kidding me? I settle down to write this post on how it’s just You and Me, God, and as soon as my finger hit the keys I hear Heidi wake up crying and Dutch wake up coughing. Really?! Please just a few more minutes, God? Thank you!
Today was one of those days high/low days. On the one hand, both kids are sick, I’m getting a cold, Dutch has ringworm (ick!), and another unmentionable part of being a woman surprised me out of the blue. But on the other hand, we had the most rich, amazingly blessed morning of Bible study this morning that all day I feel like I’ve been tucked safely into the gentle hand of the Father. This morning Joy taught on John 15, abiding in Christ–the secret to all love, the secret to growing, the secret to life and godliness. This stood out to me:
She was talking about how sometimes we can think of GOd’s love sort of generically, like yes he loves us but he also loves the whole world, so how am I really special? And she explained how in John 15:9 it says that Jesus loves us in the same way that the Father loves the Son. How does the Father love the Son? In a One-and-Only sort of way. His ONLY Son, His One and Only Son. Jesus loves us in a One-and-Only sort of way. I loved that.
Related to that, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different my life is now, different from say, when I was in college, or before I was married, or before we had kids. I wouldn’t change a thing, but it’s just different. And A few things this weekend, plus this morning’s message made me realize I relate to Jesus less individually now, less intimately, less as a Lover, and more as a Source.
Of course He is both. Of course He is the Lover of our Souls, and He is the Source of all wisdom, knowledge, love, strength, power. And I think sometimes I just see myself as a conduit, or see myself as needing to abide in Christ only so that I can have the love and grace and strength to give to my husband, my kids, etc.
Does that make sense? For example, it is a beautiful and glorious gift to be a woman, to be able to bless your husband physically, to be able to bear children physically, to be able to feed your children physically, and yet to tell you the truth, you can begin to feel like the whole reason you even have a body is to provide for the needs of your family. And, ok sometimes maybe you can feel like an old dirty sock. Worn and useful…but cherished?
Ok maybe sometimes I feel like an old dirty sock. Not because anybody treats me like that–my children and husband are amazing to me. But because I think I’ve slipped into this mindset: “I need to abide and study God’s Word and grow and pray and gain wisdom so that I can love my husband more and so that I can raise my kids better and so that I can be a better friend and so that I can minister to women better.” And that is valid, but I think the Lover of my Soul is saying, “I want you to abide in me because I love you. Because you are beautiful. Because I can’t get enough of you. Because I want to Reveal myself to you.”
Of course I want to grow in my ability to love my husband, to raise my kids, to minister to women, to be a friend–but Oh how I miss just curling up with my Jesus and listening to Him because I just love Him–not to ask Him for advice or plead with Him for strength to raise my kids–to just enjoy His presence and sit in wonder at the beauty of His Word and of His Person. To marvel in that fact that He loves me–with a One-and-Only kind of love–and that He desires for me to abide first and foremost because He likes to be with me! That is a miracle! Like that David Crowder song, It’s just You and me here now. Only You and me here now…
I’m not sure that this all makes sense, but hopefully it does. First, His. Second, others’.
Until next time,
The Girl He Loves
A Higher Standard–pride?
This week has been great–I’ve had the privilege of spending time with some different friends who are just so refreshing. One is a more recent friend, whose Meier’s-Briggs personality is identical to mine (INTJs unite!), and yet we’re totally different too. What I love though is that she shows me things about myself and about life that I never saw were there, and there’s a quality to her that I so desire more of. I guess I just respect her a lot and love spending time with her.
Another friend is not a recent friend–she’s an old friend, a long-time friend who visited from California. We go way back to early college-years. And What was so precious and just such a treasure about being with her was that shared history, those deep roots that even though we now live in different states and haven’t seen each other in 1 1/2 years, we can pick up in a heartbeat and talk non-stop all night long. We can instantly jump into the deep waters of what God is doing. We speak the same language. We know each other’s heart. AH! There’s just nothing like it.
Then tonight I had the honor of hanging with the small group girls. We are all in the same Bible study small group, and have formed a remarkable bond in a very short time. It’s really amazing. They all came over for a hang out night. And then later in the evening I got to have a cool, eye-opening conversation with one particular friend, who I used to live next door to and therefore used to see several times a week as we’d go walking and hang out often. I don’t get to see her nearly as much anymore. But I always learn so much from her life.
What she shared honestly about was an area in her life that she obsesses about, as in she holds herself to a super high standard, even though in countless other areas she’s relaxed, laid-back, free, able to laugh at herself, etc. But in this one area it’s humorous–very humorous as she’s recounting story after story–to see how this obsession with “excellence” has impacted her life, and, she would say, damaged it as well.
It was like looking at a mirror! Isn’t it cool how talking with brothers and sisters in Christ helps us see things in our own lives? We were talking about how there’s always an issue below the issue–and that issue in this case is control, and holding oneself to a way higher standard than you expect others to live by, which can appear to be good and godly and maybe even humble, but that really is self-seeking and prideful. And, the point she made is that we can wave off other people’s small shortcomings because we really don’t care that much, but can magnify ours because we’re preoccupied with ourselves.
Ugh. Yes. I would never expect a friend to always say the right thing, do the right thing, have the wise thing to say, have the right answer, etc. Then why do I think that I have to? Another friend tonight was pointing out that I always say something self-deprecating, like in a joking way, every single time we get together. What is that?
It’s like all this stems from this stupid pride of holding ourselves to a higher standard. It’s like I think I have to have it all together, even though I don’t expect everyone else to have it all together, so then when I very obviously do not have it all together (and who said I had to?!), I have to point it out and joke about it, instead of just letting it lie as it lies. It is what it is.
Haha, guess what? I just typed, “This is a really jumbled post–sorry I’m all over the place.” and then realized I was doing it again! Apologizing for a jumbled post. Is a jumbled post a sin? No! Do I expect all bloggers everywhere to never write a jumbled post? No! Is it ok to just share my heart and thoughts and not have it neatly tied up in a 3-point sermon? Yes! (at least I think so!). So I’m not apologizing.
I had a fun week. I love friends who show me Christ, show me truth, and bless me with their life. Thanks, guys. Let’s do it again sometime.
Ok, I'm back. Here's why:
Hi blog friends! My baby is crying and the laundry needs to be folded, but if I don’t do this I think this blog might slide off a cliff and be lost forever.
So the fact of the matter is that all this studying/learning/teaching on humility has got me all mixed up. It’s good, just mixed up. I told Jeff last night I think that growing in humility is just like that unconscious competence thing. You know, when you learn a skill you go through four steps:
- Unconscious incompetence (ignorance is bliss!)
- Conscious incompetence (Oh dear, I am a big proud problem. Help!)
- Conscious competence (choose the low seat, struggle through self-centeredness, carefully choose and guard words to avoid promoting self)
- Unconscious competence (self lost. Freedom!)
Now of course it’s not so simple that one blessed day we wake up and we have arrived and never think of ourselves again. But hopefully we are growing toward that, right? Toward that blessed self-forgetfulness that has the freedom to look out for the interests of others before our own (Phil 2).
But it’s hard to move through these. For example, step 2–which is where I live most of the time. That’s where I know there’s a big problem, which makes me realize that in all my writing/teaching/sharing there is a great deal of pride, selfishness, and vanity, and makes me also see that the things I have to share are really not that remarkable. In fact, everytime I read someone else’s thoughts I realize mine are not just unremarkable, they are occasionally worthy of yawns, or worse–annoyance. So this makes me not want to write anything. (are you sniffing the pride yet?)
It’s related to something I once heard a 50-year-old pastor say. He said that looking back, he now realized that he was so arrogant and inexperienced in his younger years that he thinks he only really now is becoming useful for Christ. I get what he’s saying, but that makes me feel like what’s the point, then, of teaching and sharing and writing, if I’m only 29 years old and probably doing more harm than good?! You know what I mean? How discouraging is that?! Am I really helping anyone or am I just wasting my breath when I should saving my voicebox for latter days ahead. I mean, if I’m really conscious of my sinful state, what’s the point of blabbering my thoughts all over the internet? The truth is that sometimes I yell at my kids. I sometimes roll my eyes at my husband. I sometimes get jealous of other girls. What does someone with this much sin in her life have to say about anything?!
But God.
This passage right here is what changed my perspective. Last week, when getting ready to walk on that stage and teach on humility, I was scared out of my wits. I have never felt so ill-prepared in all my life, not the joking around kind of ill-prepared but the kind that stands and says to God, “You got the wrong girl here! Wrong girl!” But then as I was praying (and telling God He had the wrong girl!), God impressed 1 Corinthians 1 on my heart and I opened to read this:
26For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 30And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
1And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. 2For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, 4and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. (1 Cor 1:26-2:5)
So that your faith might rest in the power of God! That’s why we share with each other, girls! That’s why we open up our lives, in vulnerability and humility, so that God can be glorified and no flesh can boast in His presence! So that faith is placed not in our clever advice or helpful hints, but in the power of God! So in that way, teaching, sharing, giving, is actually the humble thing to do. It is pride that thinks we must have arrived at some level of spiritual greatness in order to be used of God. It is humility that says, “Here is my life. Take it, use it. Look at it. You can criticize it and that’s ok, because what is on display is God’s glory and not my own.”
So, by God’s grace, I do hope He uses my life in demonstration of the Spirit and of power. I do hope that my message would at all times be Christ crucified and not lofty speech or wisdom. I pray that my faith and your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. And so, I’ll keep punching away on these keys. I do sure love to write, so that’s a plus. 🙂 I pray for the grace to lift up HIS name and not my own in this little corner of the world. Thanks again for your faithfulness, for reading, for commenting, for encouraging me. I love being on this journey together.
By grace,
Kari