Sacred Mundane: The Blog

Do you ever have those moments when you sit back a bit soberly and think, “I really never thought I’d be this way” or “I never thought life would be this way.”  For those of you with kids, do you ever stop and think, “I never thought I would feel like such a failure.” 

My kids aren’t even out of diapers so I can hardly claim failure, but lately I’ve wondered if I’m on the only mom who consistently feels like she has no idea what she’s doing.  And, whatever it is that I’m doing, I’m not doing it very well!  I’m sure a lot of it is the combined stress of a lot of things in our life, cramming a hundred things into the last 4 weeks before seminary graduation just being one of them.  But no matter what our life were like, raising small children is hands-down the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve only begun. 

Sometimes I feel like our life is so full that I’ve only a small scrap of energy left for training our children. So much of the day feels like it’s just reacting to miniature crises, correcting a wrong-course rather than actually steering the ship in any direction. 

Anybody else?

And even though I know it is gigantic no-no #1 to compare our children (or ourselves) to others, anybody ever look around and think, “Am I the only one who’s havin’ a parental MELT DOWN?”  I mean so-an-so’s two-year-old is reciting Scripture for crying out loud and mine is throwing himself on the floor because he wants to take the toy from the nursery home!  Good grief.

Maybe it’s just the season I’m in.  Joy was just saying the other day that when her son was small she didn’t notice the naughty things he did until they moved in with her parents. Then, in someone else’s house, SO many things seemed to surface. Oh boy! Yes!  In the course of a few weeks transitioning from one child to two, then to living in someone else’s house, I feel like I went from smooth-sailing suntanning on the cruise-ship deck to large-scale melt-down in no time flat. 

So tonight all I wanted to do was say, hey this is where I’m at.  I pray tonight for myself and for any of you out there who ever feel like this… Father, our Perfect Parent who perfectly models parenthood for us, please help us. Please give us grace, strength, and resolve. Please help us not to feel overwhelmed or discouraged, but challenged and bold. Help us to be consistent, help us to be calm, patient, loving, and firm. Help us know what to major on, what to let go.  Help us see our children’s hearts and help us to know Yours.  Please encourage all of us moms tonight who need Your touch.  And give our children obedient hearts. May their lives glorify You.  We love you and need You God. Please help us. Amen.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of days I read God’s Word and my mind is wandering, my heart is elsewhere, and sadly, I leave my time largely unaffected.  But so many more mornings I have to say I love God’s Word so much I feel like my heart will explode.  There are days and weeks I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t share the gems of His Word.  There are times I want to preach to the walls.  Jeff actually does this, he preaches to himself in the car. But then again he’s kind of an odd duck.

Right now I’m reading 1 Samuel and I’m intrigued all over again by the life of Saul.  Saul intrigues me this time around not by how disobedient he was or how crazy or how tragic his life turned out.  I’m intrigued by how much of myself I see in this first king of Israel.  I’m saddened by how I hold up his life and see my face popping up here and there. 

In our Esther study, Beth Moore was sharing about how the one thing that surfaced in her study that truly surprised her was how much she found herself actually relating to Haman, the ridiculously pompous proud villian whose life ends on the very gallows he built for his nemesis.  That’s stuck with me, and I too am finding myself looking at Saul like never before…someone with whom I can sadly relate. 

Here’s why.  What always intrigues me about Saul and David is how one’s sin caused him to be rejected by God (Saul) and how the other’s sin–a much “worse” sin–brought no disqualification in any way (David).  I mean, at a glance, it seems unfair.  Saul offered a peace offering unlawfully when he grew impatient waiting for Samuel to arrive.  So?  He was a little impatient right? Oh, and he spared the life of Agag king of the Amelekites and kept the choicest livestock instead of destroying it…but isn’t that a small detail?   David committed adultary and had a man murdered! I mean isn’t killing a worse sin than not killing?

There’s lots here and I hope to write more later because there is a lot in there regarding obedience.  But one thing that’s stood out to me today is their response.  After Saul is called out for his sin, he simply responds to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. (anybody smell an excuse and passing of blame there???)  Now therefore please pardon my sin and return with me that I may worship the Lord (Sounds to me like, “Can we please just pass over this and get on with things and how about if I use a nice spiritual sounding reason?”)  Saul never repented to God.  In fact, he never repented.  He said the words, wanting Samuel to hurry up and get on with the spiritual slap on the hand so he could go free and get on with this business. He had no intention whatsoever of actually changing his ways.

What about David? Though David too wants to ignore his sin with Bathsheba, when confronted (as Saul was) by the prophet Nathan, David says a lot more than “Ok then, fine, can you please pardon my sin so I can get on with life?”  Psalm 51 and Psalm 32 give us an in-depth look at the tremendous grieving David does.  His heart is broken. His spirit is contrite.  If you didn’t just now, take 30 seconds and read Psalm 51 and 32 and think about David’s response. Here is a man who is truly grieved by his sin.

Are we?

Way too often I’m Saul.  WAY too often.  When I’m short with my husband or thinking critically of someone or focused vainly on myself, when I’m walking in ways that are not pleasing to God, I’m so quick to think, “We’ll I’m human! Sorry God!”  In essence I’m saying, like Saul, “Ok can we just get on with it?”  I’m not saying that everytime we have a sinful thought we need to pull over the car and start weeping…but what if we did?  What if we DID take sin seriously? What if we DID confess to one another? What if we DID grieve, actually grieve over our sin?  Would our hearts change? Would our life be more impacting? Would the world look on and be amazed?  Would we sense the presence of God more than ever before?

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.  Psalm 51:17

Hooray!  It’s been decided.  The $1000 raised from the clothing fast will go to dig a Jesus Well for “untouchable” Dalits in Asia. Here’s more information on such wells:

Most of us take for granted the water which flows freely from our taps. But for many villages in South Asia, this basic life necessity is often in short supply. Village wells may dry up—especially during drought season—and it is not unusual for families to walk several miles just to find water for their household needs.

If you are a Dalit, one of Asia’s “Untouchables,” you will likely be barred from drawing water from the village well at all because of your inferior social status. And Christians suffer too, as persecution commonly comes in the form of banning them from the local water source.

But God is providing Jesus Wells for such communities. Bearing a plaque with the inscription of Jesus’ words in John 4:13-14 about offering eternally satisfying water, each well is a tangible expression of Jesus’ love. The well not only provides families with life-nourishing physical refreshment, but also points them to the true source of Living Water.

Imagine the joy of Christians in Asia—as well as “Untouchable” Dalits—when a Jesus Well is dug in their village! Not only are the believers encouraged in their faith, but by God’s gracious provision, hundreds of communities have been transformed—for now and eternity—through the Jesus Wells outreach.

So little, just $1000 buys such a Jesus Well. How awesome is that?!  Let’s pray that the Source of Living Water would be real to those who thirst, that God would meet those who don’t know Him, both in Asia and here in our communities.  Feel free to browse the Gospel for Asia website for more fun ways to give in the name of Jesus. 

Goodness dear ones!  Life is a blur right now and I’m missing you!  I feel like God has me in stinkin’ boot camp, stretching me and challenging me — no, those words are too light — demolishing me.  Last week we moved in with the Dombrows, our church moved, and I sat down and realized I have the most insane amount of stuff to get done before May 15th graduation.  One night this week, in an absolute heap of tears while Jeff was gone, I actually went downstairs to where Joy was sitting on the couch, walked up to her when she looked up I collapsed onto the couch and into her arms and sobbed, “Will you just hold me?”  Sweet girl hardly even knows me and here I was bawling into her arms.  Even though I’d be lying if I said that having a newborn and a toddler living in someone else’s house was a walk in the park, I’m seeing God’s hand on the situation as we are seeing each other in real life, praying for and rejoicing with and living life with each other.  And I must say if Dutch and Heidi turn out HALF as amazing as their two children I will be a happy mama!  (Dutch is in heaven with two playmates and a doggy!) My prayer is that this experience would make us better prepared and able to serve Christ together for the LONG haul.

And I now have dozens of hours of research to do, my end of the year comprehensive internship paper, one more seminary teaching time, speaking at our church’s women’s luncheon, papers to grade, diapers to change, middle-of-the-night feedings…yikes!  I think I cried every day this week.

But what God’s been minstering to me (along with a million other things, did I mention I feel like I’m in boot camp?!) is that ALL of this is HIS. This is HIS seminary education, His women at our church, HIS work.  And the beauty is that in my weakness His strength is made perfect.  When I walked downstairs and crumbled into Joy’s arms this week I sensed, however oddly, I sensed God’s good pleasure on my life. I sensed somehow He was pleased with my utter helplessness, exhaustion, and absolute utter dependence. I can’t say I’m enjoy this. One day this week I actually just sat in my car all by myself and cried. But I love that somehow God’s voice becomes clear when we are desperate. God’s presence becomes so tangible I can feel it.  And in the midst of this He’s teaching me some awesome things from the life of Hagar…more to come.

Anyway, no “big idea” here in this post. Just had to let you know I’m still alive and ask that if you would, will you pray for me this next month as I finish seminary and fulfill different responsibilities?  I graduate May 15th, so I would welcome prayer.  We’re also asking God to please sell our home in Corvallis so that we can find a place of our own, so would you join with me in that as well?  THANK YOU to you who have been helping so much the past six weeks.

Oh! And…yes, I finished the clothing fast! My brother (who matched my donation) is deciding where our $1000 donation will go. I’ll keep you posted! And yes, I went shopping on Friday and scored some killer deals.  Still need to buy socks…