Sacred Mundane: The Blog

“Expecting.”  That’s what they call a woman who’s pregnant–she’s expecting. It is a very appropriate term, as I am now just a few days from my due date and really really thought Heidi would have arrived by now.  Nothing profound here, just thoughts on waiting.  You’d think I wouldn’t get my hopes up, after all my lecturing and preaching on Expectation vs. Expectancy, right? YOu’d think I had this stuff down.  No, I still get my hopes up, get my heart set on things, and get disappointed.  I had contractions all day yesterday and thought for sure Heidi would arrive last night. Plus, my parents had Dutch for a slumber party, Jeff finished his last homestretch church meeting, and I thought for sure she’d make her grand arrival last night.  This morning, I woke up, and as I came to and realized that nothing had gone as planned, the irrational thoughts swept over me and I lay in bed and cried…and cried and cried and cried.  Mix hormones with fatigue with feeling like this baby is going to fall out, with the mixed emotions of celebrating a new life and yet grieving the loss of this special season where life is largely Dutch-and-Mommy.  My sweet little boy…still sweet, but about to be shaken indeed. All that tossed together erupted in a morning of tears.

But after my dear sweet husband not only put up with my crabby snapping at him, but also loved, blessed, and ministered to me, I quit sulking and got on with my day.  And later this afternoon, after the life-changing perspective that only Pizza Schmizza can bring (!), I dug into God’s Word.  Right now in the OT I’m reading Numbers (I got really behind in my Bible reading so yesterday I had to read from Exodus 26 to Numbers 13…do you have any idea how agonizing that is? To read the entire book of Leviticus in one sitting?  That is a LOT of discharge and uncleanliness.  Yeah, brutal.)  Anyway, today I read Numbers and it recounts the children of Israel’s journey in the wilderness. They followed the Lord, who would manifest His presence by a cloud which rested on the tabernacle of meeting.  When the cloud moved forward, they would pack up camp and move forward.  When it stayed, they stayed.  No warning, just watching.  Chapter 9:22-23 reads, “Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out. At the LORD’s command they encamped, and at the LORD’s command they set out. They obeyed the LORD’s order, in accordance with his command through Moses.”  Did you catch that?  Two days, or a month, or a year.  Yikes!  Expecting a child is really only over a span of 1-2 weeks.  But this span could range from 2 days to a year! 

So often I’ve lamented that I can’t really settle and nest because we have no idea how long we’ll be living here, as we’re in the process of trying to sell our homes and living in a home that’s for sale.  I don’t want to decorate the kids’ rooms as we won’t be here long.  Yada yada yada.  How my heart longs to settle!  But instead, we wait.  We watch and wait because we have no idea how long we’ll be here.  And the same with Heidi.  Should I buy fresh milk and fruit and lettuce? Or should I wait?  I know, these are seriously ridiculously trivial questions, but I still have them.  Should Jeff plan to teach the Jr. High students on Sunday or not?  A state of waiting.

But I cannot imagine living in that state as the children of Israel did. But they did, and they learned the art of attentively and patiently waiting on God.  It had to be hard, never knowing how long you’d be in one spot.  And yet this utter depedence that they had must have pleased the Father, and must have worked in them that character that otherwise would never have been developed. 

So my waiting is very trivial. How cool is God’s Word, that in the middle of my pregnancy/hormone issues, I can read the ancient book of Numbers and find such wonderful comfort from the Scriptures, written centuries ago.  Truth never changes. God never changes.  And, He’s worth waiting on.  And Heidi’s worth waiting for.  🙂

It’s amazing that I can listen to the same sermon two days in a row (Saturday night service and Sunday morning service) and be totally  ministered to in separate ways, like it was a brand new sermon (and Joel does preach differently on the two days, that’s for sure).  Yesterday I wrote about setting our minds on things above, and verse 3 of Colossians 3 tells us why:  For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”  This reality, that we are a new creation should never cease to blow our minds or change the way we live. ANd yet, as Joel sadly pointed out, innumerable surveys and studies conclude that for the most part Christians and non-Christians behave in the same way. They listen to the same music, watch the same movies, spend the money the same way, get divorced just as often, have the same conflicts…etc.  How sad is that?  How sad that for a majority of those who call themselves believers, Christ is just an escape route from hell.  That is a tragic abuse of God’s grace. 

This message, from Colossians 3:1-11 was basically, “You’re a Christian. Act like it.”  The reality is that we are new, that we are no longer slaves to sin but are now slaves to righteousness.  We are slaves to right living, which means if we submit to the power of God in our lives, we no longer have to submit to the evil desires that well up within us, because that is no longer who we are.  What if, after I went through the ceremony of marrying Jeff, said my vows, put on the ring, cut the cake, etc.  What if after we honeymooned for two weeks in Kauai, then we got home and I said, “Ok bye, I’m going back to live with my parents.  Call me sometime, ok?”  That would be ridiculous.  I’m not longer single.  I’m no longer Kari Zyp.  I am Kari Patterson, wife of Jeff.  I have a new identity which means I get to enjoy the freedoms, privileges and responsibilities which come with that. 

Because of this, God calls us to take sin seriously.  Dabbling in sin is not only grievous to God and detrimental to our attempts at growing in righteousness, it is living contrary to our nature.  It is acting in a way that is not who we are.  What did Jesus say about sin?  “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out…” and no just gouge it out, I love how Joel pointed out, “Gouge it out, and throw it away!”  As if gouging one’s eye out wasn’t enough.  “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off,” and then, in case that doesn’t stop it, “cut it off and throw it away.”  Joel said, “I’m surprised Jesus doesn’t say, ‘throw it away, beat it with a stick, douse it with gasoline and light it on fire.”  Jesus was talking seriously about sin.  The point?  No measure is too great.  No measure we take to keep ourselves from sinning is too great. 

And no sin is too small to confess.  I want to be the person that keeps a short account with God. I want to confess any little impure motive, critical thought, thoughtless word.  Just yesterday I made a joke about something with some people, and afterwards realized it was thoughtless. Even though it seemed ridiculous to go back to that person and confess my thoughtlessness, I did it.  Maybe it was unncessary, but you know what? I’d rather err on the side of honesty, confession, humility. I’d rather keep a short account with God because that is how we stay current with Him.  That is how we keep our hearts tender toward Him. That is how we keep ourselves from being deceived by sin’s warping effect. 

So tonight I’m thanking God that I’m a new creation. That the old things are gone, that all things have been made new. I’m thankful that I’m no longer a slave to sin, but am now a slave of of righteousness. 

And…on the topic of new life, I’m hoping and praying a new little life will arrive soon. Because I’m really tired of being pregnant (!) and I’m ready to hold my daughter, in my arms at last.

This will be short–I think that as Heidi’s arrival comes closer my brain continues to incrementally shut down.  At 39 weeks, It is hardly functioning now.  BUT, the house is clean, the taxes are done, and her newborn clothes are folded in the drawers!  Yes, nothing like delivering a child to ground us to the nitty gritty details of life.  I wish I could say I’ve done some in-dept Bible studies brimming with spiritual wisdom, but mostly I’ve just focused on taking a walk every day, giving Dutch special attention, and making sure the house is ready to show just in case I’m in the hospital the next time it does!  Earthly things…but necessary, I guess.

But tonight’s message, from Colossians 3:1-11 was perfect for my heart.  Today began in the most amazing manner, with the most encouraging, edifying, affirming, wonderful baby shower with my church sisters.  I left soaring.  Then our day got tossed around a bit by unexpected things, which kept Dutch from his nap and threw me for a loop, and then a little bit of discouraging news on our own trying-to-sell-houses front, and quite frankly I just felt like all the encouraging air that’d been pumped into my heart was pricked with the discouragment pin and seeped out as quickly as it came. 

(I have no idea why but I cannot make the rest of the post “un-italicize”…and I’m too tired to go ask Jeff.  Just pretend like it’s REALLY emphasized and go with it.  You can’t expect perfection when I’m this pregnant, right?)

It seems God has me on this theme … weakness.  First, the idea of working on our left–identifying our weakest areas rather than ignoring them enables us to grow and become more of a threat to the enemy.  This one seems fairly obvious, and it makes sense to me.  Work on weaknesses so that you can be stronger. Yes. I get that.

But what God’s been ministering to my heart since that last post has me surprised, yet it makes perfect sense.  My beloved husband, who is a walking library, suggested a book on leadership that has greatly impacted him.  It’s called Leading with a Limp, by Dan B. Allender, Ph.D.   I was instantly intriqued. 

The premise of the book is that most leadership books and strategies teach you to take advantage of your strengths and leverage power and minimize or diminish areas of weakness.  Instead, Allender maintains that the key to being greatly used  to glorify God is in taking full advantage of your flaws. Embracing weaknesses, authentically limping, refusing to protect one’s image makes a leader able to be used by God for great things, because self is no longer part of the equation. 

This struck me as an “aha!” moment, because it’s exactly what I see God showing me in my life.  Last semester, at the conclusion of the semester, we shared in our internship group what one verse characterized what GOd did in us that semester.  I shared 2 Corinthians 12:9, where Paul pleads with the Lord to remove a thron in his flesh, something that was apparently harassing him and making him desperate. The Lord replied, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore Paul says, “I will therefore boast all the most gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses…for when I am weak, then I am strong.”  That’s exactly how I felt last semester–stretched to the limit. 

Perhaps it is also no secret that at this particular moment in time I feel the weakest I’ve ever felt.  All week all I could think was, “Why on earth did I agree to teach the high schoolers, AND teach a class at Multnomah, a week and a half before I”m due with my 2nd baby, while Jeff has church commitments almost every night this week, my son has a cold, I’m not sleeping, I feel like this baby is going to fall out at any moment, we’re scrambling to get our out-of-town house fixed up to sell as our tenants just moved out on Friday.  I am at the breaking point, Jesus!  How can I stand up in front of these seminary women and expect to teach them anything. I’ll probably burst into tears!  I’m certainly not at my best…” 

So today, I knew Superbowl Sunday was probably my best bet at having time to study and prepare, as we planned to spend the day at my parents house (read: Dutch would be occupied).  But one tiny little thing pushed me over the edge, and I found myself, this afternoon, in tears instead of studying.  I can’t prepare to teach when I’m feeling this weak, I thought.  And so I did the only thing I knew to do, I went for a walk with God, and poured out my heart to Him, waddling my way up and down the driveway. 

And as cheesy as it sounds–God showed me my waddle is my limp.  The fact that I’m almost 9 months pregnant and emotional and stretched to the limit is the power of God manifest in my life.  And I believe, by faith, that somehow in the midst of my weakness, GOd will be glorified in that classroom as I teach, and in my life.  The fact that I don’t have it all together right now means God’s beauty and glory can shine through this broken vessel.  At least that’s what I’m believing, by faith.  And if Paul knows what he’s talking about (and I think he does), then it’s true.  When I’m weak, then I’m strong.  So perhaps right now, feeling like I’m fraying at the edges, perhaps I am at my best.  God is at His best in me.  Perhaps that’s what He wants these seminary women to know.  Perhaps God really means what He says in His Word, that His strength is made perfect in weakness. Perhaps we should not only identify our weaknesses, but boast in them, embrace them, go with them.  Perhaps the Church would discover a power in reaching a lost world that could never exist otherwise.  Perhaps the secret is weakness. 

I’m only scratching the surface, but I’m beginning to think that waddling my way through the next week or two, feeling on the verge of tears at all times, is ok.  I pray that God will glorify Himself through my weakness, however that might look.