Sacred Mundane: The Blog

I figured now was the time to share the story.  Oh how creative and awesome is our God!

For those of you following our life, you know it’s been about 4.5 years of various disappointments, with regards to ministry.  Jeff shares his perspective of the past 50 months and the lessons learned, and if you want the long version of our San Jose story, you can click The Road to Santa Clara under Featured.  So in the past year it seemed like opportunity after opportunity would arise and fall through, arise and fall through. Through it, the lessons on Expectancy without Expectation came to the surface, as well as myriad other life lessons that God was gracious enough to work into our hearts, lessons that go beyond head knowledge. 

After the disappointment of finding out that we’d not be able to go on staff full-time with our church (as we’d expected), we applied for a youth pastor job in Lake Oswego.  But here’s the thing, I knew Jeff was not called to be a youth pastor.  He’s not above it, that’s not it, it’s just not what he’s wired for.  But we were desperate, and so even though I had that nagging feeling that this wasnot God’s best, I insisted that there was no being picky with regards to serving Jesus. And besides, we needed a paycheck!  During the interview process, we were taking a marriage counseling classs together at Mutnomah.  Our professor overheard that we were interviewing for a youth pastor job, and she said, “Oh you should meet my son-in-law! He’s a pastor in the area and their youth pastor just left so they might be interested.”  Well I thought nothing of it.  We went ahead and interviewed for the Lake Oswego job, and surprise surprise…didn’t get it.  They said, “It doesn’t seem like you’re wired to be a youth pastor.”  Surprise! 🙂 

So, we were back at square one. True to her word, our professor emailed her son-in-law and he contacted Jeff to see if we’d come in. They set up a day and time, and when it came, I said I didn’t even want to go.  “There’s no use,” I insisted.  “They’re looking for a youth pastor and you’re not meant to be a youth pastor.  I’ll not sit in a meeting and lie and say that that’s what we’re meant to do.”  Plus, I had morning sickness horribly, and just didn’t have the heart to sit through any more interviews.  But at the last minute, Jeff talked me into going.  “Let’s just go and be totally honest, just be ourselves, explain we’re not looking for a youth pastor job, and at least we’ve been faithful to do our part.”  Fine.  I went.

We fell in love with Pastor Joel, the son-in-law of our professor, and Chris, the operations director of Willamette Christian Church.  It was like we had an instant connection to them.  We were totally ourselves, at ease, honest, open about our disappointments and experiences.  We spent 2 1/2 hours just talking, sharing our hearts, hearing theirs.  ANd when we left we were greatly encouraged…even though they didn’t have a job available.  It seemed a little pointless to have the meeting when nothing would come of it, but I was still glad to have met them. 

Over the next couple months we visited that church a few times. And again, we fell in love.  The very first time we went I cried through the whole service, God was just ministering so deeply to my heart.  On the way home I cried so hard I would barely breathe. I wanted to be there so bad but knew there was no opportunity for us. The people were instantly kind and welcoming.  There seemed such an ease with the people, even on our first visit. Why, God?  Why show us a church we love but not let us be there? 

The weeks that followed Jeff had an interesting impression from the Lord.  He felt like he was supposed to take some time and sit down and write out his dream job, basically tailor make a job description that would fit perfectly with his spiritual gifts, abilities, temperament, experience, etc.  That seemed a little odd since we didn’t want a minstry to be about us, but Jeff felt strongly that God wanted him to see, on paper, exactly what He had made him for.  He spent quite a bit of time and came up with the job of an “Executive Pastor”,–I term I’d never heard before–basically the 2nd in command of a church who can do discipleship, leadership development, some administration and organization, and overseeing of staff, etc.  Jeff’s such a hybrid of relational and detail/engineering oriented, that this seemed perfect for him. Only one problem…I’d never seen a church hire one of these, at least not around here.  I joked, “Maybe you should email that to Willamette CC and see if they want one of those!” Of course we didn’t do that; we just waited and prayed.

Exactly one week later, Jeff got an email from Chris from Willamette, out of the blue, informing him that they were going to begin a nation-wide search for a person to fulfill the role of …yes… Executive Pastor.  She attached the job description and it was exactly the same as what Jeff had drafted up on his own. Are you kidding me?!  We were giddy with excitement.  Could this really be?

A few weeks later, after visiting a few more times and communicating a bit more, we got an email from Pastor Joel.  It was very kind, but we realized that we were kind of little fish in a big pond, and that the nation-wide search was likely to last months and months, and realistically, at least in our minds, there was no way we were really qualified.  Disappointment.  The same day we got another call from a denomination asking if Jeff would consider being the lead pastor of a small church plant here in our home town.  Sure! We were up for whatever.

So it sounded as if the church plant thing was a done deal and the Willamette thing was not.  Jeff interviewed for the church plant pastoral job and it went great.  They denomination leaders made it sound as if he’d hear back in a few days and probably begin the job in mid-October. Fast!  Then, to our surprise, Willamette called back and wanted an interview.  I didn’t even see any reason in Jeff going, since it seemed like the church plants thing was such a done deal, but Jeff insisted he didn’t want to burn any bridges or count the score before the game was over, so he went to the Willamette interview. Again, it went great. He loved it.  So now, we wait.

To our amazement, the church plant leaders, the ones who said it’d be just a few days, didn’t call back for three weeks.  During that time, Willamette communicated and explained that they’d get back to Jeff in a week…which they did.  They said they would meet as an elder board to determine the “next steps”.  That was on a Tuesday. I assumed by “next steps” they meant the next step in the huge nation-wide process which would take until after the first of the year. I still figured the church plant people would get back to us any second and we’d be moving forward with that.  There was no way we could wait around until then, not knowing if we even had a chance in the world of getting the job.  That’s when God started to speak to my heart … (continued tomorrow)

Last night I had the rare treat of going Christmas shopping alone.  Jeff stayed home with Dutch and I took an hour (I know, an hour’s not much but it’s a TON of time for a mommy who’s not used to having any!), and did some Christmas shopping.  Since Jeff’s new job starts Monday, and the first 6 weeks of that job (until Dec. 12) will be coupled with him also being in school full time and me finishing up my last class, I figured I better do any that I can when I can. 

It was so fun!  I’m not exactly sure why but I think I just quit feeling pressured to find the perfect something for that someone. I had a great conversation with my sister-in-law a few months back about how silly it is to expect a certain level of gift from someone, or how silly that we put so much pressure on ourselves to find the perfect thing or make all people “equal” by spending the same amount on everyone. I tossed it all to the wind and decided three things. 

1) I will first put time and prayer and effort into thinking creatively about gift giving this year.  For example, I’m thinking of making Jeff’s grandma (she obviously does not read this blog, so there is no risk of spoiling the surprise) a coupon book full of tokens for “Dutch Days” now that we live near so near her and accompanying it with a “Dutch Box” of cars and books he can play with at her house.   I scored a homerun for my parents (which will remain a secret since they do read this blog), giving them the only thing they cannot get for themselves.  Hm…

2) I will not stress about whether a gift meets a certain “class standard” for certain people.  I don’t know whether you ever feel this, but it’s just darn hard to buy neat things for classy people because you always feel like it has to be from Nordstrom, and you know what? I just can’t buy every Christmas gift from Nordstrom.  So I decided I’ll take extra care in “gift presentation” and make certain a gift is from the heart and forget whether the item has the best brand name.

3) I will not stress about giving “equally”.  What if I spend $30 on one parent and $50 on another?  OH the horror!!!  Ridiculous.  Furthermore, I will simply give my gift without worrying whether the person thinks I spent enough.  I can guarantee I have never once in my heart accused someone of not spending enough on me, so I dare say others aren’t doing it either.  Relax!

I know that for some, even giving gifts on Christmas corrupts its true meaning.  I can totally understand that.  We do strive to keep gift-giving under control and keep the focus on celebrating our Savior since it’s His birthday!  But I have to admit–I love giving gifts.  It is a love language, and a valid one. I love the process, secretly thinking about my family members and scheming ways to bless them. I love the excuse to get them something I wouldn’t normally get them.  And though materialism is always crouching at our door ready to devour us, as long as we keep our eyes on eternity I feel the freedom to partake, in moderation, in the gift-exchange that traditionally accompanies Christmas.  I’m happy to enjoy the food as well, and praise my precious Savior for every last bite of it!

So anyway, nothing very deep here, but let’s just begin to think about how we want to “do Christmas.” Let’s be purposeful. If you’ve decided in your heart that gifts corrupt Christmas, do without! If you want to do something for the Kingdom of God and think globally, shop at the GFA Gift Shop and buy chickens and rabbits and goats for families in Asia. Last year we bought my brother two rabbits and two chickens, per his request!  Or, if you’re going the traditional gift-giving route, put more thought than money into your gift choices.  And lastly, be free!  If gifts are sucking the joy out of this holiday season, something is wrong.  Sit back, sip some cider, curl up with the Savior and His Word, and tell Him how much You love the seasons and every chance we have to celebrate. Ask Him for grace to see and savor Christ.  ‘Tis the season.

I had a really neat post to share.  One from Scripture. About Jesus.  Very edifying.  But you see I can’t post it now because my mind is somewhere else…on my son.  I’m shaking my head because the truth is that toddlers won’t perform. 

Today Jeff and I had an awesome experience. We had a welcome lunch party with the new staff of the church where Jeff will be Associate Pastor (yes, that’s the job!) starting Monday.  We were SO blessed by the staff–all taking a few hours out of their day to greet us and share their lives with us.  The Operations Director hosted us at her wonderful home, where we were lavished with amazing food and treats.  Everyone was SO kind.  Jeff and I just had to shake our heads at how we felt like we just instantly fit in with the family. It was like we already knew them, even though we didn’t. Not one person was stand-offish or cool. No one seemed suspicious, the way we’d sometimes felt in other situations.  We were just embraced with both arms, so to speak. 

But oh that little boy of ours!  You know I should have just had my parents come watch him. Of course that makes sense now looking back. But I wanted everyone to meet him, so we took him along. It’s so funny because sometimes Dutch goes to events like that and is an a-n-g-e-l, reading quietly or playing with trucks.  Well perhaps he caught some of the vibe from his mommy that morning, because unbeknownst to us Dutch had shut off the hot water in the garage. 🙂 Yeah, so when it was time for mommy to go shower and wash her super greasy hair…it was freezing cold.  Of course he didn’t know what he was doing, but maybe the agitation wore off on him. At any rate, he was pretty much an absolute wild man the entire time we were there. He even threw his truck right at Jeff once and hit him right between the eyes. Yeah…I wanted to die.

But what it showed me is that kids don’t perform. I admit, I wanted him to behave because we were meeting all these new people and didn’t want him to come off as a monster.  Well, kids have an uncanny ability to pick up things like that.  “Oh, this is important to you?  Ok, let me push as many buttons as I can!” 🙂

Thank goodness that I now know we’re joining a staff of very gracious folks. They got on the floor and played trucks with him, had special Leggo fruit snacks for him to eat, and even let him play with the inflated pumpkins in the front yard.  In fact no one probably even noticed that he was a terror.  I just need to get over it.

Anyway, I guess I’m glad that our new friends on staff got to see that we don’t have it all together. 🙂  Overall I’m thrilled to join this new team, this new family, and I’m sure we’ll share many imperfect moments together down the road. That’s what family is for.  Right now I’m just thankful it’s naptime, and I’m making a mental note to call my parents next time we have an event to attend… 🙂

This morning was our last morning at Foothills, our home church for the last 15 months, where Jeff has been working ½ time.  The end of the service was powerful, but probably in a different way for me than anyone else.  Pastor Dale was talking about changed lives and the power of God and gave a powerful presentation called Cardboard Testimonies.  He had a few dozen people take turns walking across the stage silent, each holding a huge cardboard sign.  On one side was the “before”-who they were.  And then one by one each person flipped their sign and revealed the “after”-what God had done in their lives.  Survival from cancer, restored marriages, children to barren wombs, freedom from addictions of every kind.  It was truly powerful. 

 But what had me weeping like a baby was the song.

 The worship team began to play “Who Am I?” by Casting Crowns and I knew I was going to crumble.  All at once, thoughts of Sara washed over me.  Sara was a friend, a beautiful, humble, gifted, vibrant, enthusiastic woman of God just a year younger than me who was killed a year and a half ago in a tragic car accident.  During my years in Corvallis, doing the drama ministry, Sara led the dance portion of each year’s play.  We worked together, coordinating songs, praying, and dancing together. My favorite memory is of the two of us dancing to Amazing Grace in the living room of my little apartment in Southtown. 

 But “Who Am I” was the song where I danced in her place.  In Tilly, the last spring drama I was in, Sara danced to this incredible song with two other girls.  That play will always stay with me, as the most powerfully emotional drama experience of my life.  During a later encore performance, Sara was on a dance tour and unable to be there.  What would we do without her?  She was the lead dancer.  But Sara insisted, the show must go on. 

 So I danced in her place.

 I will never be even a fraction of the dancer that Sara was, in fact we had to change the choreography because I couldn’t even do some of the moves she did!  But I danced with all my heart, in my own unique way but also honoring the dance that she had choreographed in her heart. 

 In my own imperfect way, I danced for the Lord, and for her.

 And now, every time I hear that song, the memory haunts me.  I think of Sara.  Of her amazing life of 25 years, cut so short.  And I look up to God and say, “Who am I?” Why do I get to stay here, experience marriage, experience the inexpressible joy of my children, of being a mommy, a wife?  The joy of life.  I know that Sara now has more joy than I could imagine, but I still break down when I think of her, and think “Why am I still here and she is not?  Why am I left here to dance this life, when she danced so much better?!”  I’m sure she’d laugh at my thinking, but it’s still how I feel.

 And as I looked at the cardboard signs, of the miracles God has done to save lives, I couldn’t help but ask Him, “Why not hers, God?  Why not hers?”  And of course there is a reason far above my own reasons, and God in His infinite love and wisdom knows.  But I still ache when I think of her family, of the empty place she left.

 But just like 3 ½ years ago, I know Sara would insist, the show must go on.  And just like I did 3 ½ years ago, I’ll dance in her place as best as I can.  I will never have the talent, vibrancy, enthusiasm, or contagious joy that she had, but as best as I can I will dance as she would, with joy and love and a single-minded devotion to Christ.  Though maybe not literally dancing, I will live and love my husband and children the way that she would have if she had been given the chance.  I will seek to love my Savior the way she did so powerfully here on earth. 

 A few weeks ago Jeff and I saw We Are Marshall, the excellent movie based on the true story of the tragic 1971 airline crash that killed 52 football players, coaches, and fans from Marshall University.  Afterwards, the football program shuts down, since not only does no one want to continue on without the beloved players and coaches but also because they don’t even have the talent to continue playing football with any level of competitiveness.  How can they honor the memory of their teammates by playing and never winning a game?  The assistant coach, who survived, sums up the feeling when he insists, “We’re not honoring them by losing.  We’re disgracing them.”  But they continue on. They play with all their heart, even though they don’t have the talent, even though they only win one game that season, they continue on, playing to honor the beloved coaches and teammates who were killed that horrible day. 

 When Sara was killed, I wondered if the dance ministry there in Corvallis could even go on. I wondered if the drama ministry could even go on.  But it has been a blessing to see, that just as Sara would want it, it has gone on.  The very girls who were trained under Sara rose up and have chosen to dance in her place, to honor her by doing what she loved most, even if none of us will ever be the amazing dancer and woman that she was.  I just heard of a Bible study now taking place where one of Sara’s close friends is now teaching and discipling the girls Sara taught at a local dance academy.  She had shown them Jesus, and now they want more.

 And as I think about all these things, I begin to realize we all play a part of dancing for Sara.  The way we live, love, dance, and worship our Savior carries on Sara’s memory.  We honor her by the way we live. 

In our own imperfect way, we dance for the Lord, and for Sara.