Sacred Mundane: The Blog

My beloved mentor Professor loves to assign what she calls the “15 Best Insights” assignment at the end of each class.  Students are to peruse their notes, hand-outs and assignments, and gather together what they consider their 15 most powerful insights they gleaned from the class.  They can be personal or universal, profound or simple (but isn’t it the simplest things that are profound?), and they don’t even have to be from her! They can be from fellow students, guest speakers, or jewels of truth derived from study during the class.  I’ve enjoyed this assignment, and applied it to the “Discipleship Class” that God has had me in for the last ten years.  Several of these are from Caila, since I figured she’d be a good resource to figure out what “worked”!

1. If you want to disciple women, your whole life must be an example. In 1 Corinthians 4:15-17 Paul says, “Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. For this reason I am sending to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church.” (emphasis mine) As Paul consider himself a father in the faith, so we must consider ourselves mothers in the faith.  He urges them to imitate him.  Later in 1 Corinthians 11:1 he exhorts them, “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.” The point is that as Paul models his life after Christ they can model their life after him.

I remember my first semester of leading Bible study, I attended a “mugger” at Varsity House, a Christian boy’s house on campus at OSU. These “muggers” (instead of “keggers”) were dance parties with root beer floats.  I attended, and since I love love love to dance, I was dancing my heart out. But I was also dressed provocatively, perhaps not for a regular college girl but provocatively for a Bible study leader and one who was devoting her life to helping other girls follow Christ.  A remember a bunch of my Bible study girls showed up, and I had this sinking feeling in my stomach the whole night, realizing I wasn’t being a very good example.  I went home early and couldn’t sleep.  The next day I took the entire day and went out into an open field, with my Bible, and wept before the Lord and asked Him to change me.  I asked Him to help me to live in such a way that I was always an example, not in a proud or self-righteous way, but in a humble way, understanding that others may but I cannot.  Something changed in me that day.  I haven’t always lived as an example, but I have seen growth by the grace of God.  After that incident, when friends would go out together to dance clubs or bars, though I knew I had the freedom in Christ to go along, wisdom told me to avoid even the appearance of evil, and to never do something I wouldn’t wholeheartedly encourage my Bible study girls to do themselves.

When we consider that others are watching everything that we do, this should motivate us toward Christlikeness!  Related to this idea is…

2. You Cannot Teach Others What You Do Not Know Yourself. This is related to the above point, but as disciplers, we will find that God will strategically allow us to walk through certain things in life, so that we are prepared to share and help others later on as they go through similar things.  We can only take our girls as far as we ourselves have gone.  This is why I was stubborn in my Bible studies and only taught lessons that I wrote. Obviously the first year it was great to have a book of Bible studies to follow, and I did once take a group through Experiencing God, but I feel like that was the least impacting thing we did.  The most powerful lessons were the ones I owned because God had written them on my heart.  And, it never ceased to amaze me how God had them perfectly timed for the girls in the group. In fact, the joke was always that Caila could see exactly what was coming in her life in six months, because it was what I was going through at the time.  Without fail, I’d go through a trial or experience, share and teach about it, and then six months later she would find herself in the exact same trial or experience!  She even had gave birth to her son six months after I gave birth to mine!

They say that a teacher is primarily a learner.  This has become a theme in my life, as I identify myself primarily as a learner, one who goes through things, learns, gleans, and then hopefully is able to help others along the way.  More is caught than taught.  We disciple others by living in such a way that lessons are being developed with every breath we take.

3. The Most Effective Discipleship Takes Place Living Life Together. Jesus didn’t have little one-hour meetings scheduled with his disciples.  He lived life with them!  He ate with them, drank with them, ministered to others with them, and performed miracles in front of them.  They spent every waking hour together, except for the times when Jesus needed to be alone with the Father (more on this later, each of us requires a different amount of alone time).  His life was given to these men. This was his method.

This doesn’t mean that more formal methods of mentoring have no value.  My weekly meetings with Professor Clemen are invaluable to me–she is a mentor for a specific area: an academic internship.  But real life discipleship, as Jesus did, cannot take place in neat little one-hour slots.  Real discipleship takes place in the nitty gritty details of life.  This is where most things are learned.  This cool thing about this is that you can disciple someone this way without them even knowing it!  By simply living life as an example, you are discipling all who come in contact with you.

I remember early on in college I struggled with what would be called an eating disorder (I just like to call it sin).  Darcy never brought it up (at that point), but I remember she invited me over to stay the night at her house once when her husband was away.  We stayed up late talking, then in the morning got up and had our quiet time.  She silently modeled for me having a daily time in the Word and in prayer, and then I remember she showed me how she made healthy home-made lentil soup in her crockpot, and then made us big bowls of delicious home-made oatmeal for breakfast before I went home.  It sounds silly now, but I was astounded by this.  Darcy was trim and healthy, and modeled for me what it meant to eat in such a way that honored the Lord.  I remember going home and trying to think of healthy things to eat so that I could honor God better with my body.  That’s discipleship!

Elisa was the ultimate example of this kind of discipleship.  In fact, we never had a “meeting” in a traditional sense.  We always met up at one of our houses, and she always had her kids with her.  I remember when she took me with her on her monthly Winco/Costco shopping day, helping her push her enormous cart loaded with a month’s worth of groceries for a family of five.  After a long day, we lunched at Sweet Tomatoes and talked about life. She modeled so much for me–how to feed a family of five on a tight budget, how to make healthy food choices, and how to meal plan for an entire month!  I have to smile right now as I realize that I do the exact same thing–meal plan for a month, make a once a month trip to Winco and Costco, and stay on a tight budget.  That was discipleship!

Elisa even chose to disciple me in the most intimate of topics–childbirth.  As a youngest child, and one who wasn’t necessarily big on kids to begin with, I was clueless about babies, and terrified of childbirth.  When she became pregnant with her fourth child, she invited me to go with her to one of her check-ups. I got to learn about pregnancy, nutrition, infant development, and a host of other topics.  Then, when it came time to give birth, she invited me to join her husband in the room where she delivered!  Some of you are thinking, “No way would I do that!” I don’t think I would either. But we had a special relationship, and I cannot explain how much that experience helped me not be fearful about my own delivery.  I even got to hold their son just minutes after he was born. I was humbled, honored, and privileged that she would choose to let every life experience serve as a teaching tool for me.  There aren’t words to express how thankful I am to her.

4. Life Discipleship Requires Vulnerability and Humility. The experiences above required Elisa and Darcy to be incredibly vulnerable.  When we open up our lives to our disciples, we are opening up ourselves to the possibility of pain, criticism, and betrayal.  Jesus knew this better than anyone, and chose to be vulnerable anyway.  Just before Judas betrays Christ, we see the John 13 example of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet.  And what does he say, “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them” (vv. 14-17).  Jesus chooses the path of vulnerability and humility even though it would cost Him his life. Even though He was God (Phil. 2: 5-8).  He humbled himself for the men who he loved, and made himself open and vulnerable to them.

There will be times when in your attempt at living life together, in your attempt at vulnerability, that a disciple will hurt you.  This is guaranteed.  They will criticize you or perhaps talk about you behind your back.  Give grace.  Forgive.  Disciple them even by your response to their hurtful act.  In fact, your response to the hurtful situation will preach louder than any sermon you could share.

It’s also possible that as you open your life to your disciples that they will see things that you need to change!  Just as our children point out ways that we err (my brother used to make a deafening siren noise from the backseat whenever my dad would go over the speed limit), so our disciples can be tools of God’s purifying and sharpening us (Prov. 27:17).  I remember when one especially difficult girl (read Loving Rebecca under Featured) pointed out how I always greeted everyone else more enthusiastically than I greeted her.  I had unknowingly made her feel like she was an obligation, something I had to do, rather than a cherished and loved daughter of God.  When she confronted me, I agreed and asked forgiveness. She was right.  This is the not-so-fun part of discipleship…having dozens of little eyes on us to point out our flaws. 🙂 But it’s good for our character, and leads us to godliness.  We do well to be quick to acknowledge our weaknesses and move forward.

5. Sanctified Favoritism is Ok; Jesus did it. The hardest lesson I learned the first few years of discipling was that I couldn’t have this kind of relationship with everyone. I used to have 10-15 girls in my small groups, and would try to meet with every single one of them during the week (this was on top of being in college full time and working part-time!).  What I found was that I was able to give them all a little bit, but not able to give anyone a lot.  In my attempt not to play favorites, I wasn’t doing anyone any favors.  Jesus models a different sort of system.  He did play favorites, in a sanctified sense.  He had the multitudes, He had the seventy (Luke 10:1), then he had the twelve disciples (Luke 6:13), He had the three whom He singled to be with Him on special occasions: Peter, James, and John (Mark 9:2), and He apparently had the one: John (John 13:23).  If Jesus had this model, who are we to think that we should do something different?  Once I quit feeling guilty and began praying for supernatural wisdom with who to specially invest in, God began to single out girls, girls who were Faithful, Available, and Teachable (yes, this is the FAT acronym but girls don’t really like to be called FAT so I spell it out).  It was these girls who I spent special time investing in–these girls who I now have to marvel at when I see the great things they are doing for the Lord.

Want a quick way to burn out and get frustrated?  Don’t do this.  🙂

We’ll stop there for today.  More to come…

When I came back from summer break, I met with Darcy to discuss the possibility of leading a Bible study.  Over the summer, as I’d thought and prayed about it more, I really became excited, though still scared.  As I thought through who I’d like to have a BIble study for, the only thing that was clear in my mind was that I did not want to have a Bible study for Greek girls (sorority girls), for the same reason that I was not interested in Jeff Patterson whatsoever (he was the president of Lambda Chi).  In my little mind sorority girls were shallow, vain, and prone to passed-out-drunkenness.  No thanks.  (I’ve since become a little less judgmental I promise!).  So, during my first meeting with Darcy, what does she say?  “So I’ve been thinking about it and would really like you to join with another girl and co-lead a Bible study for sorority girls.”  What?  Why me? I was not a sorority girl! What on earth would I have in common with them?  I had to shake my head at this, at God obviously pushing me past my judgments and prejudices…to minister to the very girls I’d been prejudiced against.

Meeting Caroline, my co-leader, put my mind at ease.  She was wonderful!!!  She had been in a sorority but was now living out during her senior year, and we hit it off immediately.  Within a few weeks, our Bible study was announced, and we began meeting in her little one-bedroom apartment off campus.

I was terrified. Fortunately Caroline was more experienced, so each week we would meet to pray and prepare our lesson, then go back and forth sharing parts, opening discussions with the girls, and praying with them.  We divied up the girls so that we’d each meet with several of them one-on-one during the week and generally “keep tabs” on them, so to speak.  Darcy would meet with us periodically to see how things were going, pray for us, and help disciple us in our own walks with the Lord.

At the end of Fall semester, Caroline graduated, leaving me on my own.  She’d gone out of her way to pay special attention to one girl in particular, a quiet, little blond girl from Hawaii who looked scared out of her wits.  Her name was Caila.  Caroline insisted that Caila had something special about her, and asked me to please keep meeting regularly with her now that she would be gone.  I didn’t have much of a connection with Caila, but promised her I would.  I don’t remember things necessarily taking off right away.  She was quiet and seemed shy, and didn’t seem too eager to open up her life.  I’d visit her at her sorority, try to talk to her about her personal life, and meet with her for coffee whenever possible. But weeks would go by when I wouldn’t hear from her, and I wasn’t sure that it was really worth the effort.

Something changed Caila’s sophomore year. You’ll have to ask her for the details, but Caila became transformed as she fell more and more in love with Jesus.  During her four years at OSU, and then her three years on staff with Real Life, she quickly became my prized disciple and friend.  It didn’t take long for her to surpass me in wisdom, maturity, and excellence in teaching the Bible and leading others.  She soon began her own small group, discipling shy little freshmen (she wasn’t shy any more!!) girls just like she had once been.  She joined me on a mission trip to Brasil, acted with me in the Real Life Spring Dramas, and after college, she became the House Manager for the House of Charis, a Christian girl’s home, where she oversaw, mothered, and shepherded more than 50 girls each year.  She now excels as writer, mother, wife, woman of God, and discipler of others.  I could never have dreamed how God would use Caila’s life for His glory.  To Him be the glory, who sees what we cannot.

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I share these stories because it illustrates for me, again and again, why a simple life poured out is worth it.  Countless times I have had girls come up to me and say, “Thank you for pouring into Caila. My life is changed because of her.”  Is that not the coolest thing?  And I have to just say, thank you for Elisa and Darcy (among many others!), who have poured into my life.  And they have others to thank, and we all ultimately thank our Lord Jesus, who so brilliantly uses imperfect men and women to raise up other men and women to walk with Him.   Because of Elisa and Darcy, God let me minister to (and learn from!) more than 50 girls in small group discipleship groups through college, then more while on staff through Real Life.  Of course, only a few were close discipleship relationships, but through Caila’s life alone at least another 100 lives have been touched and changed and transformed by God’s grace in her years of college ministry.  Do you see what happens?  Divine multiplication, transforming lives by His grace.  Is this because we are great? No!  It is because God in His grace chose to use simple women to help us along the way, and then we respond by letting Him use us, simple women, to help others along the way.  This is discipleship, and this should be our life.

Not all of us will be in a formal disciple situation.  But we’re all called to disciple (Matt. 28:18).  In the next few posts, we’ll look at just a few of the principles and pitfalls that have emerged from the years described above.  I learned a lot by failure, and I cringe when I look back at how often I did it wrong!  But God! But God is so good, so big, so able to use our feeble attempts for glorious results.  I pray we’d never let fear of “doing it wrong” keep us from helping others along the way.

I recently wrote a post for goingtoseminary.com about discovering the um-mined treasure that is the seminary faculty, and it got me thinking about how much we probably all miss out on simply because we do not ask.

I remember when Jeff and I were engaged, we’d made a point of spending time with couples whose marriages we admired. Young and old alike, we’d ask questions:  How do you do it?  What are three things you wish you knew when you got married?  What is something that surprised you about marriage? Just asking questions of these folks, those who had gone before us, unearthed a wealth of wisdom we tucked away for our early marriage days.  I am so glad we did.

When I was pregnant, my mind swam with the questions.  Of course I read books (Whoever wrote What to Expect When You’re Expecting is a gazillionaire), but the best advice was from people.  People I knew, young and old, moms who’d walked the path before, who could give real life answers and advice for the days to come.  And again, I’m so glad I did.

I”m not sure why, perhaps because we are so stubbornly individualistic these days, but there is definitely a air about our society that insists “I can do it myself.”  But how much we miss out on!  And how many opportunities to honor those ahead of us that we’ve missed because we just don’t take the time to ask.  I can say from experience that not many things are more honoring than being asked for advice. Maybe it’s just me, but it makes me feel so special!  I remember when my dear friend Candi first had her baby, and she’d often just call and say, “Uh…green poop. What’s the deal?”  or “Incessant spit-up.  Any ideas?”  It blessed and honored me that she would even think to call me, and it was a treat to be able to offer whatever I could (which probably wasn’t much).  Jeff and I often ask my parents for their advice on everything–and they in turn respect us by only offering when we ask. 🙂

I recently took an extensive personality/temperament evaluation and somehow the test thing determined that I was above-average in “image management”, meaning that I am concerned with what other people think of me. Gulp. Guilty as charged.  I realized that perhaps that’s why I tend not to ask questions in class or offer answers unless I’m really sure they are right or well thought out or intelligent.  I don’t like asking sometimes because I’m afraid I’ll look like an idiot.  But the truth is–we’re all a bundle of questions about everything, and how much we’d grow if we humbled ourselves and asked.  And what I’m learning?  It doesn’t take a crisis or a huge life-change like babies or marriage to necessitate the asking of questions.  Just this week my sister-in-law showed me this amazing park that is walking distance from our (her) house.  I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I know about this before?!”  and then I realized…because I never asked her. A simple question–hey can you tell me where the good parks are?  would have meant discovering the park gold mine a month earlier.

So try it out.  Ask a question.  Sit down with a grandparent and ask what are the biggest lessons they’ve learned in life.  Sit down with a teacher.  Ask your parents about marriage.  Ask a friend to go further into explaining what really makes her tick.  Ask the waitress what his or her favorite meal is.  Ask your kids what makes them happy and what makes them sad.  Ask your spouse to share three things that make him or her feel loved.  Ask in order to gain wisdom, and ask in order to grow in your love and understanding of people.  Ask to draw people out.  Ask to grow.  There’s so much more I think we can learn…if we just ask.

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Ok, silly little application of this post, but today we had our ultrasound and discovered that it is Heidi Elizabeth Patterson who will be joining our family in February! Yay! 🙂  Afterwards, we decided to celebrate by going to Burgerville because Heidi likes fries. 🙂  Since Dutch also likes fries we each ordered a large to share with him. WHen our order arrived the fries were teeny, looked like smalls to me.  I am not one to ask about order problems at restaurants, so I tried to get Jeff to do it for me, but he was keeping Dutch from climbing over the top of the booth.  Forget it, I thought–it’s no big deal. But then, another thought: Just ask. Hm. Ok, took it up and in my timid little sweet voice, said “Um, are these larges?”  and the lady was the manager and she said “No!  In fact, you take those and I’ll get you two new orders!”  Anyway, to make a long story short, she blessed us with tons of fries (which I was happy to eat since Dutch and I had walked the three miles to my ultrasound appointment), and then even came back and visited, celebrated our baby with us, talked about her own kids, and then went and got Dutch a special blue balloon.  As I left, with my happy full tummy, I thought how simple that was–just to ask (and ask nicely!).  She was happy to oblige, we were happy to receive, and I think she was even blessed by joining in our special celebration.  Ask and you shall receive. 🙂