His Benefits
This morning I read this, one of my favorite lines of Scripture:
Bless the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Ps. 103:1-2)
Now this is obvious, but why would God tell us to “forget not” all His benefits? Because we forget! We’re called to remember, recount, retell, and rejoice in all that God has done for us! You might be thinking, well it’s easy for you to do right now because you just got good news that you’re moving. But it was last weekend, before I knew anything of any move, that God really showed me the importance of thankfulness (read Repenting…again). So, on the eve of our move, as we transition to this new season, I wanted to reflect and review these past 13+ months, and forget not all His benefits during this time. The list could go on forever. He’s 20…
- We saved over $20,000 in mortgage and bills by living here (I guess technically we didn’t save it because we don’t have it, but we didn’t spend that much!).
- Dutch has the most amazing relationship with Oma and Papa that will never be taken away.
- Jeff and I have weathered significant storms and our roots are deeper.
- “I had heard of [God] by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees [Him].” Job 42:5
- We’ve met sweet and precious people out here in this small town.
- I learned that I am not defined by what I do.
- Jeff learned he is not defined by what he does.
- We pared down our belongings significantly and got organized!
- Jeff has established a wonderful relationship with our dear Pastor Dale, friend and mentor.
- I had help with Dutch and the house through my horrid first-trimester sickness.
- We were able to share daily joys and sorrows with my parents.
- We learned priceless life lessons from them about selflessness, humility, and godliness.This blog was birthed!!!!
- We’ve had the glorious rushing river right outside our bedroom window.
- We’ve had countless hours throwing rocks in the river, feeding hay to the horsies, walking hundreds of miles up and down the driveway.
- We’ve picked berries, planted a garden, harvested loads of basil for fresh pesto, patronized the library (!).
- Jeff has racked up hundreds of miles on his bike riding too and from work.
- I’ve enjoyed my share of lazy hours lounging in the pool reading novels.
- I learned that the world will not fall apart if the refrigerator is not clean.
- We have a million memories we will look back on and laugh about for years and years to come.
I wish there were words to somehow convey how incredibly indebted I am to God and to my parents for their grace. God, gentle, loving, tender, forgiving, but firm, refusing to just give me my own way, but loving me enough to take me through the fire, letting the dross rise to the surface, revealing the ugliness I’d rather cover up. My parents, endlessly patient, never taking offense no matter how cross a mood I was in, never demanding their own way, always ready to serve, help, love, give. Ever living to bless us. I pray that Jeff and I can be 1/2 the godly parents and grandparents that Bill and Karen Zyp are. I am humbled beyond words by their lives (and I’ve seen them up close!)
So, this season is closing…we head to the beach tomorrow morning with other family, and be sure to check out tomorrow’s LiveDifferent Post on Permeating Culture, but I’ll be unplugged Saturday and Sunday, and from then on I’ll be writing from a new spot. New adventures ahead, new challenges, joys, struggles, lessons. Stay tuned. Thanks for reading, and consider today His benefits and forget them not.
Conflicted
I am lying here in bed, in the pitch dark with a throbbing migraine, but compelled to write because, well, you know, I’m always compelled to write. My migraine is due to the fact that I spent a large portion of the day crying. What on earth is wrong with me, you wonder :-). Now, looking back, I am thoroughly exhausted and utterly content … because my tears showed me some things about God and about myself.
It was odd to find out that we were moving, so suddenly (on Monday!), and was a little anticlimactic after all the waiting and anticipating. I’d sort of built up an idea (read: expectation) that in a huge flurry of events we would get a job, and then perhaps the heavens would open up and rain down great baskets full of money, and then we would march off and buy a home and live happily ever after. 🙂 Hm… So I was thrilled of course that we are getting to move, but it also felt a little odd: still not having a full-time job, moving into another family member’s home, and knowing that the arrangment will only last a very short time, like a few months. So it just felt weird. Please don’t get me wrong! I’m not disappointed and I’m not ungrateful. I am thrilled. It is a beautiful home and I’m still in awe of their generosity. This is an amazing answer to prayer. I’m just being honest that it felt weird.
But I knew it was more than that that was tugging at me. Last night I packed for awhile then went to bed, and lay awake for more than four hours … and cried. I didn’t even know exactly why I cried, and I was so confused because I was supposed to be so happy! My dream was coming true! So today I spent the day packing and had this odd feeling like I was running away from myself, or running away from my thoughts or feelings or something, but I just kept working at a feverish pace (read: coping mechanism) and was fine. Around 2pm my dad said, “Why don’t you take some time to lie down, you don’t want to overdo it,” and I knew he was right so I went upstairs and lay down on our bed. Unfortunately then what I was running from caught up with me, and waves of weeping swept over me like I have not wept in ages–truly–not even when I was sad lately and crying to Jeff. LIke weeping the kind that chokes you and you sputter and cough and curl up in the fetal position. That kind of crying. It was like I was grieving a tragic death of a loved one. But since I don’t know what I think until I write and I didn’t trust myself to write something presentable enough for blogging, I wrote an email to my husband:
Well since I can’t blog about this kind of stuff [ha! i guess i am] I thought I would just write you an email. I can’t figure out why I feel so conflicted about this move. On the one hand, I’m thrilled. All I’ve wanted was to move out on our own, and now that’s happening. But for some reason the reality of leaving here, of knowing that this is basically Dutch’s little dream-come-true haven where he gets to play in the river, the tractor, the pool, and sandbox, with Papa and Oma, on the swing and the slide and with the horsies and see the jeeps and run around the yard, and all that will be gone…the fact that my parents won’t get to wake up to the sound of Dutch’s little feel running around the kitchen. It’s good for US to leave, but it just makes me so sad for them. They are so selfless, they serve us and never put themselves first, but I know it’s going to hurt so much for them to have Dutch gone. Plus I’m scared–can I do it? Can I keep the place looking good, can I be a fun playmate for dutch when he’s used to playing with Papa and Oma all day? I don’t feel like I’ll ever be enough for him. He’s so used to getting read to and played with and I’m afraid he won’t be as happy there with only me. I just feel scared and sad and sort of happy all at the same time and I don’t know what to do.
I guess I just needed to tell you.
—-
I also started getting scared that by living back on our own I’d just get caught back up in life, in homemaking and decorating and cooking, and that this sweet, desperate relationship with my sweet Jesus would grow distant. Would I still be able to write if I’m not miserable? 🙂 Will I lose the sweet fellowship of suffering if we move out and things get easier?
The resolution to my conflicted heart came through the sweet voices of those I love most–my husband, my mom, and my dad. After writing to Jeff I swallowed my pride (it took a while), and went downstairs, puffy eyed and still crying, and found my mom. Like a little girl I shuffled up to her and managed to choke out the words, “Can I talk to you?” She led me to the couch and I collapsed in her arms, like I haven’t done for years, and just wept and choked and sobbed. I poured out all my fears and confessed how rotten and selfish I felt for wishing to move out when it meant taking Dutch away from them and how selfless they were and how scared I was that I’d never be enough for Dutch on my own, that he’d never again be as happy as he was living here. My dad soon came in a joined us, and I continued to pour outr my scared little heart to them. They, of course, were the best. They encouraged me and cheered me on in the way only they can. Then my husband wrote me the most amazing email, bolstering my strength and faith. I am the richest woman, to be surrounded by such love.
So I know this is all over the road, but I wanted to share the conflict of my heart. The longing for the new thing, but the grieving over what must be lost. The fear over how to embark on a new season without losing the sweet lessons of the past season. The uncertainty of continuing to walk forward, when only one step at a time is illuminated on the path ahead. And yes, I know pregnancy hormones can contribute as well. I’m a little scared because our new home has a Taco Del Mar and a Burgerville right across the street–um, can you say 80-pound-pregnancy-weightgain? 🙂
Goodnight. I’m now exhausted, content, and thankful for the people who love, listen, and help me along the path. And in response to dear Joanne’s comment, I PROMISE that I will NOT lose my love for writing and blogging and abandon you all to go back to homemaking. Homemaking is fun, but nothing compares to the joy of living authentically, hurting, loving, giving, receiving, and writing about it all along the journey. Goodnight…and as always, thanks for reading.
We're Moving!
I’m still a little in shock. Oh how things can change in a day. Some family of ours, who live in another state, still own a home here that they’ve been renting out. Now they have put it up for sale, and are graciously allowing US to rent it for 1/2 price, provided we keep it beautiful and clean to show it for prospective buyers. Yeah, that’s right, HALF PRICE rent, which is less than any apartment we could ever find. And here’s the miracle…because of that half price rent we can afford to live on the 1/2 time salary that Jeff is on, until we find something else. Is that not incredible? I mean, it’ll still be tight, but it’s a HOUSE for crying out loud, we can skimp on groceries! 🙂 Plus, this new location is WAY closer to school, so it’ll make commuting to classes easier, and it’s in town, so it won’t be as difficult to live with one car. In fact, Jeff could even take the bus to school from the house. Can I get a hallelujah?!
Anyway, it’s so weird now, realizing that in one week we will live in a different place, after all this time. It’s definitely still a very temporary situation, since the house could sell any day, but we’re so thankful for however many days/weeks/months we get to live there! God’s taking care of us one step at a time…just like the loving Father that He is. Better go now, got a lot of packing to do… 🙂
The God of Disappointment
Ok, so I’m really no good at keeping secrets (my own secrets–I am good at keeping other people’s secrets) because I get so excited about things God shows me I have to share them. John Piper once said that if you find yourself, when you are studying and reading God’s Word, constantly thinking of ways to communicate those truths to others, then you can pretty much bet that you’re a teacher at heart. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Ok, guilty as charged. I’m a teacher.
So I mentioned before I’m teaching at this women’s retreat (Kelli please just act surprised when I share this stuff with the ladies there!), and for the past few weeks I have been absolutely spinning my wheels at studying. NOTHING is happening. I’m praying, reading, studying, and it’s like I have this bag over my head and I can see nothing. So frustrating. So I kept waiting and praying and today I’m studying and the light is finally turning on! Thank you, God. God always reminds me that it is His Spirit that does the work because I literally am nothing and have nothing to say until His Spirit illuminates His Word for me.
So anyway, we are talking at the retreat about Expectancy without Expectation, and the first session is on Disappointments. Who of us hasn’t keenly felt disappointments? I’ve mentioned before I feel like this entire year has been one long disappointment. But I’ve never found a book entitled “The God of Disappointment”…but right now I’m tempted to write one! Because check this out, if you look at Scripture, God is all about disappointing people! I looked up the word disappointment in my dictionary and it said, (tada!) “Thwarted Expectation”. God is in the business of thwarting our expectations so that He can do greater and more glorious works than we ever imagined. Hooray! Not convinced yet? Check out these examples:
- Abraham: God promises he will be the father of many nations right? Then what? He can’t have kids. He’s disappointed. Expectations thwarted. He then gets so frustrated he takes matters into his own hands and has Ishmael, the child of the flesh, through his servant Hagar. Bickering and grief ensue.
- Joseph: God shows him in a dream that his brothers will bow down to him as ruler. He winds up dumped in a pit then sold to the Egyptians, then spends 14 years in a prison, wrongly accused of harassing Potipher’s wife, then forgotten by the cupbearer, forsaken. Disappointed. Thwarted Expectations.
- Moses: God will make him the deliverer of Israel. Then what? He kills an Egyptian and there’s a warrant out for his head, basically. He winds up spending 40 long years living with his father-in-law in the desert (hey, that sounds familiar!). Disappointed. Expectations thwarted.
- The children of Israel: God is going to deliver them from the Egyptians and the hand of Pharaoh, so after the exhilarating plagues and parting of the Red Sea, then what? Left to wander in the wilderness for forty years while the entire complaining generation is slowly killed off. Disappointed. Thwarted Expectations.
- David: God will make him king, anoints him through the prophet Samuel. Then what? Saul tries to have him killed, and he spends 10-14 years living in caves in the desert, trying to escape from the hand of Saul. Disappointed. Expectations thwarted.
- The Disciples: God will send a Messiah who will come and save the world. Then Jesus comes, who neither fights nor takes over anything, doesn’t even resist the Romans, but is a lowly servant and calls them to a lowly servant life. Then he does the unthinkable and goes and gets Himself killed-what a tragic end! Disappointment. Expectations thwarted.
There is obviously more to these stories … and that is where we will go later on in the weekend. But consider just stepping in at halftime. What would they think? What emotions would they feel? I suggest that they would feel keen and miserable disappointment. I suggest that we love and serve an awesome, majestic, glorious, beautiful, worthy, and infinitely valuable God of Disappointment. And I love Him for it. 🙂