Sacred Mundane: The Blog

Jeffrey proposed to me.  Many of you have already read When God Broke My Heart (under Featured), but I decided to share the exerpt of our engagement, in honor of this day.  What a fabulous five years it has been!  Thank you, my amazing husband, for committing your life to me and loving me so heroically.  I love you.

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Sunday night I got back to Corvallis, and Jeff called to say he wanted to come see me but was swamped with wrapping up all the retreat stuff and so he’d just pick me up the next morning at 8am for our usual work-out. That sounded fine with me; I was tired and ready for my own bed, so I went to bed early and slept a deep, dreamless sleep.

I slept so well that I didn’t even wake up to my alarm.

At 8:02 Lori knocked on my door, “Kar, Jeff’s here.” She was pretty brief in the mornings. I gasped when I looked at the clock and threw off the covers. I went to the kitchen to meet Jeff, still in my sweats and XL t-shirt, my hair still in its funky slept-on state.

I put my hand over my mouth to guard my morning breath, “Good morning,” I greeted him sheepishly.

“Good morning, my love!” He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. I loved how he smelled in the morning before he’d showered. It was raw morning Jeff and in inhaled into his chest to fill my lungs with it.

“Sorry I look so scary,” I pulled away to head toward the bathroom, “let me just get decent.”

“You look great! Just go like you are, you don’t have to impress anybody.” Jeff insisted, nodding toward the door. I was in no hurry.

“Ok. Let me get together my stuff.” I dawdled around, at least brushing my teeth and pulling on my tennis shoes. I wandered a bit aimlessly and Jeff stood by the door waiting. “I can’t find my keys. Lor, you seen my keys?” She hadn’t. Jeff shifted feet. I looked in every bag and on every surface. No keys.

“Let’s just stop by Dawson’s apartment on our way out, he has a key to your place, right?” Jeff suggested. Dawson lived just three doors down in our same apartment complex. I agreed, so we finally headed out and swung by Dawson’s place, obviously waking him up as well, and got a spare key. Finally, twenty minutes later, we were in the car and on our way. Jeff started asking about the retreat and as I filled him in on the details, we passed Gold’s Gym.

“Where are we going?” I asked, mid-sentence.

“Oh, Scott and AJ need some stuff cleaned out of the basement of the Antioch House so I told ‘em we’d swing by since we’re already in our old clothes. Is that ok? I figured you’re ok with it.” He explained. I said it was fine by me and finished telling him about the retreat. We pulled up to the Antioch House—an old abandoned fraternity and our church had purchased and was going to remodel into a college men’s house. Right now our friends, Scott and AJ, were caretakers, living in one of the rooms and basically keeping an eye on the old place and working to clear out debris. The house had an amazing basement, used for parties, with a dance floor and huge stone fireplace. “You know, we haven’t even prayed together yet this morning. Let’s pray.” We’d made the effort to pray together and read some scripture together when we met in the mornings, so Jeff read me a psalm and we sat in the car and prayed together. Then we took the front steps by twos and Jeff punched in the code and let us in the mammoth front doors.

I felt weird walking in without knocking. “Where are they?” I asked Jeff.

“Scott?” Jeff called out. No answer, but as we headed toward the basement I could hear voices. Jeff lead the way, holding my hand as we headed down the steps in the semi-darkness. I realize the voices were actually worship music playing, and I could see a slight flicker of firelight against the back wall. As we reached the bottom of the steps, Jeff looked around to the other side of the basement. “What’s that?” He asked me, smiling.

I looked around the corner and saw the fireplace lit up with dozens and dozens of candles. A red cloth lay on the hearth, covered in candles, a Bible, and roses strewn everywhere. I was lost in confusion. Oh my gosh we shouldn’t be here, Scott and AJ have something romantic going on. I backed up, thinking we were walking in on something private, but Jeff moved ahead of me and pulled me forward, then looked back at me and smiled. It all started to sink in.

“What is going on?” I demanded. He smiled and looked over at the other corner.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing. I turned around and saw a Lite Brite, aglow in the dark with “Will U Marry Me?” shining brightly toward us. I gasped and spun around back toward Jeff. He was on one knee, smiling up at me. “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” I said over and over, not able to believe that he had actually surprised me and planned this whole thing without me knowing.

“Karina Elizabeth Zyp, will you be my wife?” I pulled him up to his feet and threw myself in his arms, pressing my face into his chest, not able to speak at first. Finally he pulled me away and looked into my eyes. “Well?” He smiled, requesting a response.

“Yes, yes, yes! Of course, yes!” I laughed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and put my face against the side of his, and we danced and danced to the music, savoring the moment.

—-

I don’t know how long we danced, but I could’ve danced there forever. Jeff’s “morning smell”, the feel of his arms wrapped around me, the music, the candles, the absolute bliss of realizing that I was in the arms of the man who wanted to spend his entire life with me. I fired questions at him—How did he plan this? How did he keep it a secret? He was eager to tell me everything—how he’d thrown me by asking me about ring shopping, how he’d gone shopping during the men’s retreat and set the entire thing up last night, then lit the candles this morning before coming to get me.

“No wonder you were in a hurry to get going!” I laughed, realizing how I must have pained him with my dawdling ways that morning.

“I just kept thinking, ‘Uh, the candles are burning, can we get moving?!’” He admitted. I just marveled—I never thought I could be surprised and had totally underestimated his ability to plan the perfect proposal.

“I was so bummed when you didn’t propose at Valentine’s Day,” I admitted.

“I know. That would have been too predictable, I knew you’d expect it. I wanted to surprise you, besides, I wanted to propose to you like this, first thing in the morning, in your sweats and sweatshirt, with no make-up on, because I want you to know that this is how I love you most, the real you, the raw you. I love who you are, Karina Elizabeth Zyp.” I shook my head in wonder. How did I ever deserve a man like this?

After laughing about the horrid Valentine’s day experience and how disappointed I’d been, Jeff explained that the ring on my finger was a borrowed ring from the jeweler. Jeff had already purchased the princess-cut diamond, but we had an appointment that afternoon to go so I could personally design the ring of my dreams. I was amazed. It was perfect. It saved me the awkwardness of not knowing what size diamond he could afford, but gave me the freedom to design it exactly as I wanted. Again, I was speechless—how did he know to do it exactly like that?!

Now we realized there were a million things to discuss—the date, the location, who would be in our wedding. There were details beyond measure, so we made ourselves forget that for the moment, so could just savor this time we had. So, we sat down in front of the hearth with the candles glowing at our backs. I leaned into Jeff’s arms and we bowed our heads and Jeff prayed.

“Thank you, Lord so much for blessing me with Kari. Thank You that we get to spend the rest of our lives exploring each other and glorifying You together. Thank you for the grace . . . I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE!” Horrified I opened my eyes and realized he was not joking, his Nike dry-fit shirt had caught on fire and a flame was blazing on his back. Panicking, we both stood up and I began patting his back with my hands. In just a few seconds the flames were extinguished, and for a moment we just stood stock-still, unable to believe what just happened. Then we burst into laughter.

“Did that just happen?!” Jeff looked down at me.

“Did you just catch on fire?!” I was hysterical. Jeff was actually in some pain, as the fire had burned through his two-layer dry-fit shirt and the t-shirt underneath, but the hilarity of the situation took priority. Jeff decided that he had to save the shirt for the rest of our lives as a keepsake to remind us of this moment.

“I’ll wear it on every anniversary!”

Four months later, on June 28th, 2003, we had our first kiss. On our wedding day. It was almost a hundred degrees outside and everyone declared it was the hottest wedding in town. During our wedding dance, I thought of another slow dance two years before, at our friends’ wedding, where I’d almost fainted with joy at the touch of Jeff’s hand. I thought of the pain that had come after, of the confusion, the waiting, the depression, the difficulty, and the beauty and life that had sprung up from it all. I thought of how much I’d changed, grown, matured, and come to know God in a deeper way through it all. I thought of how it was in the loving plan of God to break my heart. I looked up at Jeff and he was watching me, with his slightly squinted eyes and pursed lips, that searching and savoring look I’d come to know meant that he was marveling at me. I turned up my face and let him kiss me on the lips, then leaned back my head, my face upturned to the sky, my eyes closed and a smile spread across my face, lost in bliss. Yes, I decided. He knew what He was doing when God broke my heart.

Who here has seen the movie Amazing Grace?  Why didn’t anyone tell me to get out there and rent it immediately?!  Wow.  All I can say it Wow. 

Today was a great day because I learned a life lesson—throw efficiency to the wind.  Today Jeff had the privilege of once again teaching Theology in place of Dr. Lockwood.  I was marveling today, realizing what an amazing honor this is.  I had kind of gotten used to the idea because he’s done it quite a few times, so when Jeff left at 6:45 this morning I said I’d pray for him and see him at home later.  But wow, when I really thought about it—what an honor: A student getting to teach a 3-4 hour block of theology at a seminary.  I realized just how blessed I am that I have such a husband, that he is entrusted with that kind of responsibility.  Ok, I’m bragging—I’m just proud of my Jeffrey!

So, this morning as I was out walking with Dutch, it was a beautiful day already, the sun was out, and I was thanking God for the change He’s working in my heart—making me content.  It is truly remarkable – I’ve had more joy in the last two days than in the last two months combined … and that is the grace of God.  So in this Class of Contentment I’ve been asking God to show me ways to rejoice in Him, embrace life, and live in the moment.  As we were walking this morning, I had the wild hair idea of going into Portland and surprising Jeff by showing up at the end of his class and taking him out to lunch.  First major obstacle—we only have one car and Jeff had it.  But my parents were going into town so I thought perhaps they could take me.  Second obstacle—they weren’t going until later in the day.  Well, I thought, I could take the old Jeep Wrangler, even though it’s bouncy and squirly and the soft top makes it so loud to drive.  Fourth obstacle—I didn’t think Dutch’s carseat was here.  But then I discovered that the carseat was here, so while on my last lap on our walk, I battled the Kari that always seems to win out—the efficient Kari.  Efficient Kari was the Fifth and final obstacle.   Efficient Kari always says, “That’s a waste of time and a waste of money.  Stick to efficiency and routine.”  Efficient Kari thought, “We can’t afford to go out to lunch, and we can’t afford to put gas in the Jeep to take it out.”  But all of a sudden a new voice peeped up—the voice of embracing life and living in the moment.  This voice said, “Blessing your husband and making a memory of this glorious day is worth infinitely more than the measly few dollars it costs … pack a picnic lunch, and go for it!”  And, surprising myself, I turned the stroller around, broke into a run (I didn’t have much time) and went back to the house, leaving Dutch with Papa to play in the shop, then took the stairs two at a time and squeezed a shower, quick make-up job, and a picnic lunch packing into 20 minutes.  Thirty minutes later Dutch and I were bouncing along Dickey Prairie Rd. headed for Portland. 

Jeff’s was more than overjoyed—astonished, that I would take my day and drive that crazy Jeep and bring him a picnic lunch.  We walked around campus, enjoyed the sun, and sat in the courtyard and ate hastily made egg salad sandwiches on leftover dinner rolls.  We laughed, took pictures of Dutch, and showed him off to our professors and fellow students.  Jeff probably said at least a dozen times today, “Thank you so much for surprising me today, Sauce.”  I know this is a small thing, but it represents so much more.  In my striving for efficiency, practicality, and stewardship, I’ve perhaps attained a sterile soul.  How I need a little romance!  And that is linked to this quest for contentment (which I’ve already found, amazingly enough, but I want to go deeper!).  What does it mean to embrace the moment?  What does it mean to place people and memories above time-management and money?  Obviously this is a balance; I’m certainly not advocating willy-nilly living (anyone who knows me knows that is not a danger).  But I learned today that being just a little bit crazy, for my husband, for God, for the people I love … and for myself, will enrich life more than a million things crossed off my to-do list.  I enjoyed today. This is my lesson for today.

And, had I not made the trip into Portland to see Jeff, we would not have taken a stroll along campus (“wasting” time!), and we’d not gone into the library, and we’d not have looked through the movies there as Jeff suggested (And I fell back on my old ways saying we didn’t have time to watch movies).  But he won out, and we discovered Amazing Grace, and tonight we watched. 

Wow.  All I could do was watch this movie, engrossed in William Wilberforce’s passionate mission, and wonder, “What am I doing with my life?”  Yes, I know I’m called to serve the Lord and draw others to Him. But how am I doing that?  AM I doing that?  And specifically, how am I, like Wilberforce using the specific talents, privileges, resources, gifts, and influence for this end.  Not everyone is a William Wilberforce, but he was.  Not everyone is Karina Patterson, but I am.  What am I willing to lose my health, sleep, and life over?  How absolutely teeny, tiny, insignificant is my “sacrifice” for the sake of Christ!  But rather than feel bad about that, I can just simply rejoice in my circumstances, evaluate my attitude, serve my family, and seek God with all my heart for His glorious plan for my life.

And, to convince you that this is all related, this even pertains to my introduction—Jeff teaching at Multnomah.  What an honor.  God has given Jeff a mind and a heart and an ability to teach God’s Word.  He’s given me gifts and passions.  God has been so incredibly gracious to give us both the opportunities that He has.  How will I use them?  Not for me.  It’s not about me.  And, above all of this, God is far more interested in what I become than in what I do (Jeff read that out loud to me, sitting here in bed, at the precise moment I was pausing to write the next sentence).  What do You have for me, O God?  And how can I today embrace the life You’ve given me, live in the moment You’ve provided, and follow the path set before me.  These are my thoughts for today. 

So today as I was talking with a wise woman of God, she basically said … “Soo…what you really need is to learn to be content, right?”  Darn. I hate it when they say that.  I hate it when they’re right.  I’d rather just insist that my circumstances change.  I’d rather just pray that God will go –poof!- and hand me the life of my dreams.  So, in my mind I say to God, “But God, you can’t really expect me to be content right now right?  I mean, I’m almost 28 years old and I’m back living with my parents and I don’t have a car and so I’m trapped out in the boonies and we don’t have an income and it rains all the time so we can’t go outside and I’ve got mommyhood and wifehood and school and being a daughter and I don’t have any friends around here and it’s all just so messed up … I can’t be content now right?”  And of course … I look to God’s word and who do I have to compare myself to?  Yup. Paul (Phil. 4).  Of all guys, Paul.  Shipwrecked, stoned, beaten, put in jail, slandered, hungry, cold, tired.  Yeah—ok my little garden variety hardships would definitely fall somewhere in the Not-Very-Difficult column. 

So, I take her advice and my heart says, “Ok God.  Paul said we can learn to be content.  I’m all about learning, right? I mean, I’m in seminary.  I love to learn.  So, will you help me?”  So that’s what I prayed today, because I know I can’t be content without God’s help, although strangely enough even as I’m writing this somehow I’m finding myself more and more contented and my heart feels lighter already … is it supposed to begin working that fast? 

Well I know it’s no magic formula, but this is my first thought on contentment:  The key to contentment is … you guessed it, humility.  (Humility is the key to everything by the way – I’ve already learned that if the answer’s not “Jesus!” it’s “Humility!”)
But truly, Pride says, “I deserve better than this!”  Humility says, “Thank you God that I am even alive.”  Pride grabs.  Humility takes notice of every tiny blessing and offers prayers of gratitude to the Giver of Life.  Humility breeds thankfulness and thankfulness breeds contentment.  So my goal, at least until I can get a better handle on this stuff, is to focus on thankfulness and contentment for a while on this here blog.  I’m not trying to be any less “real” than before, I’m just trying to train my heart to see with eyes of love.

Tonight I’m truly, genuinely grateful for a delicious dinner that my mom made—the beef stroganoff was incredible, and I’m thankful for the four chocolate cookies that I sneaked from my dad’s snack cupboard (he sneaks my treats too so it’s fair!).  Neither the dinner nor the cookies would have been available to me unless we lived here!   I’m thankful for the rainless day that enabled me to take Dutch for a walk; we were able to see the river, a new little pony at the neighbor’s house, and a dead mouse on the road that provided fascination for Dutch.  I’m thankful for a great talk Jeff and I had tonight, where we were really able to connect and be in agreement on where God has us and determine together to rejoice and praise God for where he has us.  I’m so thankful for Foothills, a truly God-centered, God-loving church with leaders and staff who love us and welcome us accept us just as we are.  I’m thankful for Lorrie, who has met with me and counseled me and loved me and listened to me so much.  I’m thankful for her wisdom and insight, her truth and love and support.  I’m thankful for a week off school next week!  And I’m thankful that in one month SPRING will be here!  Ok, off for now … I’d love to hear from you if you have any insights or wisdom or advice on contentment.  Or if you’ve arrived and are the authority on the subject, let me know. 😉

I love my mom.  Today as I came home from class, I was (surprise!) discouraged beyond description.  Again.  Why is this?  Why can I not seem to shake this discouragement, this despondency?  I was told the secret today: contentment.  I know it is true.  But that is another topic and one I’m not brave enough to face yet.  For right now, let me tell you about my mom.

It occurred to me today, as I came in from class and found her sitting at the computer, working on something or other.  She had spent the morning at open prayer, a prayer time at our church where people are free to meet and pray for the needs of the body and city.  Then she ran errands, got groceries, and now was thawing meat for dinner (beef stroganoff which is what I overheard my dad requesting this morning).  She didn’t hear me come in, so it wasn’t until I had mixed up my hot chocolate, thrown a yam in the oven to bake, and sat down by the fire behind her that she turned and greeted me, as she always does, with a smile.  She could read my face immediately that I was discouraged and her face turned downward with mine.  “I’m ok,” I assured her and gave her a “thanks” smile, then sipped my hot drink.  “How was your morning?” I asked.  She said what she’d done.  “Who was at prayer?”  I asked, even though I didn’t have to because I already knew.   It was she, Muriel, and Dave.  The famous three, I call them.  Because, you see, they are always the ones at prayer.  Always.  And even though no one knows they pray, and even though hardly ever does anyone else join them, they always pray. 

The reason all this stands out today is that my mom would never write a blog about how she feels swallowed up.  Why?  She’s already been swallowed up.  My mom has been swallowed up in Christ.  Her life is hidden with Christ in God.  She’s not searching for herself because she’s already been found – once and for all. 

This plays out in very tangible ways.  My mom is the best listener I have ever met.  I have never heard her interrupt anyone—ever—in my entire life.  I have never heard her demand her rights, never heard her complain about her lot in life.  Not that she has no feelings or desires, that’s not it.  But she’s been swallowed up—my mom’s life is hidden with Christ in God. 

This amazing character trait of hers used to bother me. In high school I thought she was weak.  I thought a real woman would assert herself, stick up for herself, demand her rights, right?  I real woman would say, “Get your own darn sandwich!”  But no, she looks those real women in the eye and says, there’s a better way. 

This doesn’t mean she doesn’t get sad.  My mom is currently facing profound sorrow and grief.  She’s battling a debilitating disease (bravely I might add!).  She’s coping with the proximal “loss” of her son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter, which is magnified because of the physical limitations she’s facing.  And, on top of all that, she has to deal with her opinionated and profoundly emotional daughter living in her house, cluttering her countertops and criticizing her organizational skills.  (I know, the third trumps them all, huh?!)  But she has taken all three of these things in admirable stride.  She’s grieving, she’s weakened, she’s affected, but she is not shaken.  This is because she has been crucified with Christ, and the life she now lives in the body she lives by faith in the Son of God who loved her and gave Himself for her.  And she really does this, she doesn’t just spout off a verse about it.

So, all this to say that I am touched and humbled and blessed by my mom.  The focus has been on me and poor me and oh how hard this season has been for me.   But the truth is that my mom is battling things far more difficult than I ever have, and she calmly, contently, and serenely goes about her day, grocery shopping for beef stroganoff and meeting with her faithful three prayer warriors, serving behind the scenes for the sake of others.  Thanks, Mom, for the way that you teach me so profoundly.  Thanks, Mom, for putting up with me.  You’re an inspiration.  Why can’t I be more like you?! J