Sacred Mundane: The Blog

In Chapter 2 (click there for a link to the book, then search for chapter 2), Foster talks about the kind of prayer that Jesus offered on the cross, “My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?” Though I am not in the middle of such a season of prayer, I have known it more than once. I can think of two specific seasons where this type of prayer characterized my prayer life. The truths that carried me through, that Foster reiterates, are these: This season of aloneness, of silence, of nothingness, are not because God is displeased with me or that I have committed some horrendous offense against heaven. In fact, the two times I have keenly experienced this have been after making significant decisions to deny myself and follow Jesus. One such experience was in San Jose, when the world had fallen down around us. That was by far the darkest night of my soul, to use Saint John’s language. Heaven was iron. There were no responses. And yet, as Foster explains and I have found to be true, it does pass. That season was for nine months, and then some of the most glorious blessings followed. The other season was just this Fall, when we’d moved in with my parents and things weren’t good with Jeff and me and I was coming apart at the seams. Nothing seemed to offer any solace and there seemed no good outcome to our circumstance. That too passed. We still live here, but my heart has changed and Jeff and I, by the grace of God, have flourished once again in our marriage—even more so than before.

Foster calls this season “The Purifying Silence.” Though we often cannot tell, even afterward, exactly what God’s reasons were for His prolonged silence, we can often see a spiritual growth afterward that is unrecognizable in the middle of the storm. The further we get from the incident, the more clear it is. We are now just beginning to see the fruit of some of those dark nights of our souls in San Jose, and I am just now (even today!) beginning to get glimpses of the ways that God is changes, purifying, testing, and deepening our faith during this time.

What is beautiful about these seasons is that we realize that we truly realize that we cannot manage God. As Foster says, “God refused to jump when I said, “Jump!” Neither by theological acumen nor by religious technique could I conquer God. God was, in fact, to conquer me” (p22). The beauty of unanswered prayer, and of silence, and even of suffering is that we cannot control or manipulate God. And though our wicked hearts can want to at times, there is such a greater, more profoundly abiding peace when we recognize our true place in HIS plans and HIS purposes. This deepens my simple prayer.

Lastly, I loved Foster’s discussion of the “Prayer of Complaint.” As he says, “This form of prayer has largely been lost in our modern, sanitized religion, but the Bible abounds in it … The ancient singers (in the psalms) really know how to complain” (p23). This really struck me. I seldom complain in my prayers but often complain in my heart! How backwards is that? If I had a problem with Jeff (not even something he’d done wrong but just a problem), and I talked to everyone else about it (and myself) but not him, how ridiculous is that? But we do that with God. He would rather have honest complaining lovers than pious, proud, hypocritical religious people. My conclusion through all this is that I purpose to be honest with God and to wait patiently on God. When He is silent, He is still God. I can complain and pour out my heart and draw near to Him, but understand that He is in no obligation to respond to my beck and call. When He sees fit, in His infinite love and abounding wisdom, He will hear my call and come near. He’s promised He will.

This term, Jeff and I are taking a Spiritual Formation class called “Prayer.” I’m anticipating it with joy and dread at the same time. I want to pray so much but feel so scared of failure because I’ve never felt successful in that area. Well I’m getting started on our reading, since we start class next week, and one of our texts is Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home by Richard J. Foster. I’d recommend it for sure! For each chapter I read I am assigned to write a 2-page response on how it impacted me. I’m going to share these with you. If you’d like to get the book and read it too it’d be fun to do together. In fact, you can click here and it’ll take you to the book online at Amazon and you can read the chapter there (search for “chapter 1”, etc.). I’d love to hear your insights as well. But even if you don’t have the book, hopefully the reflections will still connect our hearts. Here is Chapter 1:

My greatest spiritual desire and goal is to become a woman of prayer. Every New Year’s my spiritual goal is to pray more. While I love and flourish at reading my Bible and can easily pass away hours digging into its truths, I fail miserably in the department of prayer. In the past, during a time when I lived by check-off lists and dos and don’ts of spirituality, I prayed for hours, but it was more of a check-list of people and their concerns and pushing through on my knees at 5am with clenched teeth. It wasn’t a joyful thing or a power-producing thing or an intimacy-promoting thing with the Father.
Now my spiritual life doesn’t look like that. Now I actually like God. J But now that I’m not motivated by lists and rules, my time in alone, quiet, daily focused prayer is practically non-existant. I talk to God a lot. I talk to Him while I drive or walk or when I’m sad or hurting or struggling, but most days I rarely sit down and have a concentrated prayer time.
I was moved deeply by Foster’s use of the home as an illustration of entering the Father’s heart through prayer. As anyone of my friends could tell you, I am longing for a home so bad right now it’s like there’s an agonizing ache in my heart. Today we went and looked at a new home in our town, which is a slight possibility for down the road. It was so amazingly perfect for what we hope for (to be able to use it for ministry, etc) that it moved me to tears. But, we are not now in the position to buy it. So, I give that to my Lord and He brings me to this book, and speaks to me that as I oohed and awed over the kitchen and living room and office for Jeff to study in and beautiful master bedroom, he wants me to explore the home of His heart and drink of its pleasures. There is nothing quite like the word “home” that can reach that far into my heart right now. I believe the timing of this book is divine.
The first chapter of this book was like a shot of hope. I am at the stage of simple prayer, to be sure. But what was so freeing was that that’s ok! As Foster said, I feel like there is a chasm between me and “real” praying. As CS Lewis said, “Lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us.” With this difficult situation of living with my parents, having no money, and both being in seminary full-time, I’ve poured out my heart so many times to God, and felt so often that my complaints, hurts, frustrations, impatience, was somehow not what I should be lifting to God. But it is!
One of the major obstacles I struggle with at this point is that I know that beloved ACTS model of prayer and so, like an obedient ACTS-er, I start with adoration and try to think of as many character qualities of God as I can. But somehow, I begin to drift somewhere between there and the next step, confession, and I never even make it to Supplication. So, then I feel frustrated. Or, I get 10 minutes into prayer and I’m so spiritual exhausted that the thought of another 20 minutes is more than I can handle. It’s like those long-distance runners who say that after the first 30 minutes you get your 2nd wind and then it all gets easier. Well, I can’t run long enough to get my second wind! I run 25 minutes and I’m done. So, I loved what Foster said about being honest with God when we’re tired. He said we can tell God, “I must have rest, I have no strength to be with you at this time.” I couldn’t believe when I read that! Is that ok to say to God? I suppose it’s much better than just walking away and leaving Him hanging? I have no trouble doing that with exercise. When I begin a new workout, I’m weak, my muscles haven’t gotten used to the new intensity, so it takes time. So after reading this chapter, I sat here on my bed, with my eyes open and talked to God about how the chapter made me feel, what I loved about the house we looked at today, and told Him how much I loved Him and wanted to trust Him for our future, even when I got scared and impatient. That was all. Maybe five minutes. But I think He was listening and I think I’ll be back for more …