After speaking the first time at the women’s retreat, there was an extended time of worship and prayer from 9:30pm-11pm for anyone who wanted to stay and linger in the presence of the Lord. Not wanting to be in the center of things, I got up from the front row and moved my bag and myself near the back and sat down in an empty seat. A moment later a woman came back from somewhere and started to sit next to me. “Oh, did I take your seat?” I asked. “No, but this is the perfect because I have a word from God for you, and I wasn’t sure how to tell you.” I nodded slowly, a little skeptical, “test all things” quietly running through my mind. She shared a vision she’d had, and immediately I knew it was God. My eyes filled with tears as she finished by saying, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” I knew that verse. Proverbs 13:12. I hugged her, sincerely grateful that she’d been obedient to the Lord. At the time I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but now I do.
I do feel a little sick in my heart. I feel like Jeff and I have been waiting for almost 4 years for God to let us “back in the ballgame” of full time ministry, to walk in the calling that we know He has for us. Yes, these years have been great. Yes, I am grateful. Yes, I am content to serve in whatever capacity, even if it’s not in “ministry.” But at the same time, I would be lying if I said that we’re satisfied with where we are. And today, there is no other way to describe it other than that “hope deferred makes a heart sick.” I’m tempted to wallow, I’m tempted to whine (and I may, but not here!), but all I can do in good conscience is be honest before God, myself, and you, and say that I’m weary of waiting. I’m weary of wondering where we’re going to live and how on earth we’re going to pay the bills. We finish classes in less than a week and after that it’s sort of a black hole of unknowns. So today, my heart’s a little sick.
It’s not the end of the world–just a little heart-sickness. This too shall pass. And I can say in confidence, that when our longing is fulfilled, it will be a tree of life. Anything precious in my life has been worth the wait. So by faith I’m asking God to help my sick heart, when hope is deferred, and to help me to trust Him for good things in store, whatever they may be.
4 thoughts on “Hope Deferred”
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Kari,
If I didn’t know better I would say that you wrote this entry just for me and the struggles Bryan and I are going through. Your words sprinkle sunlight through the little gloom cloud that’s been following me as of late. I am printing this out to place both at work and at home so that I can continue to be comforted. Thank you for this.
Lots of Love,
Cheyloe
Kari, I know better things are ahead. I am praying. All I can say is, God sure is giving you an extended internship/training period…4 yrs…more actually. So the job ahead must be significant and demanding. Love you, Mom
Hello again dear heart,
After reading the above comment from your madre, I’ve realized (with much embarrassment) that I was so self-absorbed I failed to see the struggles you were voicing in the above entry (insert blushing face). With that said, though I find tremendous strength in your eloquent words, I want you to know that although you may feel that you haven’t been ministering full-time, and technically that’s true, you’ve been profoundly stirring the souls of others. Sharing your successes and struggles has altered the lives of countless individuals for the better, and I believe that has been the purpose behind the obstacle. Also, I completely agree with your mom regarding what lies ahead … just keep swimming. 🙂
WOw to both of you! Thank you! What encouraging words. I’m blessed to have you both as friends…and actually you both are an example to me of what it means to persevere through trials that are much more intense than my own. I’m humbled by you guys. Thanks.