Beyond influence, into love.
For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ through the gospel.
1 Corinthians 4:15
Sometimes I have wondered:
Why is it that some people can so powerfully influence me, more than others?
What I mean is this: The world is teeming with advice. Under every rock and in every nook and cranny is another person offering advice. Do this, don’t do that. Try this method, don’t try this method. And some of it’s great. But often I find that even the best advice doesn’t “stick” very well. I hear it, I know (sometimes) that it’s true, but I don’t feel compelled to follow. Or, worse, I actually want to go the other way. Sometimes, depending upon the method or the way something’s presented, it actually makes me want to run.
“Quit trying to just fix me! I’m not a broken down car!” That’s the secret inside-feeling I get sometimes. Have you ever felt that way?
But a few weeks ago I realized why.
We have countless guides (advice dispensers) but not many Mamas (or sisters) in the faith. (1 Cor. 4:15)
A few weeks ago a dear friend took me out for a treat. She is a trusted, treasured older-sister type friend who I admire beyond words. She’s raised tremendous kids, has stood by her man in beautiful ways, and is an example to many of a godly woman.
And you know the best part?
She isn’t trying to fix me.
You know what she’s trying to do?
Love me.
With beautiful self-forgetfulness she just wanted to bless me, spend time with me, be with me … love me. And as the hours went by I found myself pouring out questions for her–things I’d stored up in my heart but had never had the courage to ask people. And here I was, sitting beside her in our pedicure chairs, spilling out question after question. Basically saying,
“Influence me, please!”
Her answers were simple. Not shoulds or oughts but simple biblical truths and tried and tested wisdom. Best of all, I could feel that every word came from a place, not of trying to fix me or make me like her, but out of love.
Love trumps influence every single time.
Please understand: I’m not saying influence is bad. It’s awesome! We’re called to influence others for Christ! And certainly we can be influenced from afar, by people we admire, even people who are dead! But usually we are influenced by them because they love well or did love well during their lifetime. Jesus, of course, is the primary example of this. His greatest goal was not merely to influence us from afar, but to love us right where we are.
See, if only have influence as our goal, we’ve got the wrong goal.
If we aim only for influence, we likely won’t reach either one. If we aim straight for love, we’ll get both.
Why? Because influence is always the fruit of relationship. The reason my dear parents have influenced my life more than any other human beings is because they loved me with a crazy-amazing love. The reason my discipler/mentor/friend has dramatically affected my life is not because she had all the right answers, but because she loves me. The reason I hang on every word that Paul & Pam Hunter speak is because they have loved me for 28 years. It’s cliche but true and worth repeating: People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.
The world will know we are Christ’s disciples, not by our influence, but by our love for one another.
All the influence in the world will not change people.
Love changes people.
{Who can you love today? Just for today, suspend your urge to advise, fix, counsel. Just love, just for today. Thanks for reading.}
The book you don't want to read but will love when you do … {Giveaway}
It was last minute when I thoughtlessly grabbed the book. We were headed out the door for our anniversary weekend, and I realized I’d forgotten to pack a book.
Honestly, I had been feeling a little lethargic in the reading-department, as none of my summer reads had gripped my attention. I had stared at the stack of books by my bed, like a woman standing in front of her full closet and lamenting, “I have nothing to wear!” I stood there feeling uninspired and inwardly lamented, “I have nothing to read!”
But, Thou shalt not leave on a weekend away, sans children, without a book!
And there it sat.
It had landed on my doorstep, literally. Touching Godliness by KP Yohannan. Sent from Gospel for Asia, for me to review. So, as we were zipping out the door, I tossed the book in my purse.
As we made the long trek over the mountain, Jeff and I talked, prayed, reminisced, dreamed a little about the future. But I couldn’t shake the vague aimless feeling settled like a heavy fog on my heart. It’s true, I was happily married. I did love my family. I did love God and want to serve Him. But something felt missing. Off a bit. We were already giving away money, we were living in community, we were spending time in the Word and prayer. I shrugged it off and stared out the window.
Upon arriving in Bend, we packed a picnic lunch and headed to the river to swim. Leaning back in low lawn chairs, we rested our feet in the icy cold water, welcome refreshment in the 90-degree heat. I opened my Bible to Psalm 42:
“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.”
Yes. That’s it. That’s how I felt. Thirsty for God but not sure how to find more of Him. By praying more? Fasting? Giving more money away? What? So after reading several psalms, I pulled out Touching Godliness.
Shame on me, but I wasn’t expecting much.
Another book on becoming godly? Awesome.
By KP Yohannan? Let me guess: Give your money away and stop being a selfish American. Awesome. I get it.
Boy was I surprised.
I’m half-tempted not to tell you what the book is about, because if I tell you I’m afraid you won’t read it. It’s no wonder he has a vague title, no subtitle, and a bare-bones description on the back cover. KP is no fool. But It’s not fair to call this a book review unless I tell you something about it:
It’s about submission.
There. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s good. Really good. Really stinkin’ good and I devoured this book like nobody’s business and by lunch on Saturday I’d read the whole thing and silent tears had streaked down my cheek, under the sunglasses. I’d gazed blurry-eyed up at the clouds and prayed short, desperate prayers: “Lord, help me. Do this in me.”
Here are a few snippets:
“In the measure by which we open our life to Christ and bend our necks to the yoke, dying daily to our self-centeredness, independence, pride, and reasoning, and instead depend on God, in the same measure we will manifest His nature in our lives” (p. 72).
“I know many who follow the Lord and work hard, sacrifice much and go to the ends of the world. But the question remains for us all: Is it out of pride and self-assertion?” (p. 81)
(Of submission to leaders) “When our pastors speak into our lives, their words should not be taken lightly. If we listen to them and heed their warnings, our lives will be blessed. Obey them and be submissive. Don’t fall prey to the attitude of the modern church, which has lost the fear of God and His shepherds” (p. 110).
“What does it look like to respect your husband? …Around the globe, to correct your husband, especially in front of others, is disrespectful to him. Listening to and taking seriously his counsel shows respect. When others are present, not giving your husband any room in the conversation and being the one to answer every question that gets asked is disrespectful.” (p.114)
“When Jesus described Himself, the words He chose were “gentle and humble.” We, as his delegated authority, can only rightly represent Him if we too are humble.” (p. 184)
As I re-read these quotes I realize I’m not doing the book justice. So, I’d sum it all by saying this:
If you feel stuck somehow in your Christian life, like you are doing all that you know to do and still feel frustrated, distant, or unsettled; If you feel there is still some barrier between you and God, or you feel strained in your close relationships, if you feel like you aren’t quite where you wish you were in your relationship with Jesus … read this book.
You might not want to read it, but you’ll love it when you do.
{And…because I’d really love you to read this book, leave me a comment and we’ll pick one fabulous winner to receive a FREE copy! When you read the book the graphic below will come to life … Thank you so much for reading.}
Because I don't want to be two trains …
This picture was taken 10 years ago today. (Um…. Could Jeff be any happier?!)
Neither of us cared much about a fancy wedding, so the flowers were fake, from Joann’s fabric, and the dress was borrowed from a friend. We married at my parents’ house–on a 95-degree day–and were surprised when we got to the cake-cutting part and discovered a three-tier wedding cake. Apparently someone made one for us because we had just planned on Costco sheet cakes. Surprise!
That’s kind of been the story of our life: Surprise!
We drove off into the distance, hootin’ and hollarin’ and thanking God we got to leave alone! We had waited for our wedding day to even kiss each other (Seriously.) All we really wanted was each other, so once the formalities ended we bolted for the honeymoon–17 days in Hawaii (!) thanks to my generous parents.
We had a blast. Everywhere we went people kept telling us to stop kissing. We did everything together, wondering why on earth people wanted to have “Girls’ night out” or “Guys night out.” Why would anyone want to be away from their spouse, ever??? We threw ourselves into the busy ministry life, ate ice cream together way too often and played card-games on the kitchen floor late at night, always dreaming big for our life ahead, together.
We were, in every way, ONE.
Shortly after our wedding, we attended a funeral together. I have no idea who died. A friend of a friend of a friend, perhaps? I don’t even remember why we were there. But the guy who died, whoever he was, was a big deal. Maybe in politics or something? I can’t remember. But he was a big deal, and she was a big deal, and a lot of people were there because they were a big deal.
And when it came time for the wife to speak, she talked about how they each had own life. He had his life and she had his, but that it was good, their marriage like that was good. She said,
“We were two trains running on parallel tracks.”
Everyone nodded and smiled, as if in agreement about the beauty of two trains running on parallel tracks.
After the funeral Jeff and I made our way to the car. Once inside, we looked at each other. Jeff’s spoke my thoughts:
“Babe, I don’t want to be two trains running on parallel tracks.”
Those simple words have haunted me ever since. At that point, it was easy to be one. We did everything together, just us, fun crazy stuff, making memories and laughing all the way:
We traveled to Israel, swam in the Dead Sea …
…and rode camels together, holding on for dear life.
And then we really held on for dear life, because after visiting some friends in Boston we …
…(SURPRISE!) had a baby!
And everything changed.
I remember this night, when Dutch was six months old. It was our first “night out” together, just us, at a wedding at Steve Ballmer’s house in Washington (Thanks, Jeremy & Mari). We had just moved in with my parents, left our jobs, and were finishing seminary. So many things had been stripped away. And that night we danced on the boat dock, laughed ourselves silly, and finally awoke from the fog of 2am feedings and dirty diapers. We adored our son but this was good … and the time together was that much sweeter, because we’d walked through some struggle, together.
And at Mom and Dad’s, I’m smiling here but didn’t smile much in those days. Despite my wonderful parents I was so down, so often. Hard, long days with a baby, and no car or phone and Jeff was gone a lot and we with no money and no job and no idea how on earth the future would work out. I smiled here, but so often I cried. But he held me fast and one day came home and said, “I bought you a little something. For $13, I bought www.karipatterson.com.” And my darkness found light, and my thoughts found words, and this little blog began and my soul found space to breathe.
And then, “Surprise!” Heidi came. And I had wept because what would happen? And we needed an income and health insurance and where would we live? And one by one God provided everything–the job, a temporary home, and–crazy miracle–the “coincidence” of double-coverage for a 2-week period: Right when she was born. And we laughed ourselves silly at His provision and then five days later I cried myself to sleep as the house that we were renting sold and it meant packing up these babies and moving (again!) and where would we go? And we sat that night at Carl’s Jr. (don’t ask me why) and ate french fries and wrote down on a napkin, “We trust God.” And we wrote the date and carried that napkin everywhere, just to remind us. That no matter what: We trust God.
And we walked that rocky shore, both kids in tow, and smiled at the future. He’d be in it.
And He did come through, again. Those generous Dombrows opened their home, and then the apartment, and then the “dream home.” And we moved in and life was perfect and we were living the dream. And Kimberly Stone took these family photos and it was the one strangely quiet time of our life–like the calm before the storm.
Then I wore the cap and gown, then he wore the cap and gown, and we donned our hoods and finally ended the long trudge through seminary–us both tired but glad we did it.
And then, things got crazy again. The Hole In Our Gospel turned our world upside down nothing looked the same and my dream life wasn’t dreamy anymore. But in that wild ride He changed us and gave us unity and strength, and we met up with World Vision and that trip up there, to Seattle–it was for the best thing for us. Reminding us we were one, together, not two trains but ONE.
And we started pursuing a simpler life. We moved to our dumpy rental on Hazelhurst Lane, picked berries and quit keeping up with the Jones’s, whoever they were.
And then this year we took another flying leap of faith, planting RENEW Church, welcoming our housemate, and moving (our 13th time in 10 years!). And it was hard and good and I was writing e-books and working on the real book, and speaking and traveling and life was just so full. And you planned the special trip, just us, to the Church-Planting conference, and when we arrived at the airport at midnight and we’d missed the hotel shuttle so — surprise! — they sent us a limo instead. We sat in the green light in the back of the limo, reminded again we don’t want to be two trains.
But honestly … it’s hard.
We’ve jam-packed a lot into ten years–13 moves, 8 combined years of seminary, 4 different church ministry jobs, church-planting, two kids, blogging, book-writing, speaking, traveling … we sat down just a few days ago, a bit of painful reflection as we realize:
It’s all too easy to be two trains, running on parallel tracks.
Life is so full and we serve and love and answer the phone and meet the needs and run the errands and fix whatever’s broken this time on the house. And if there is one nugget of truth we’ve gleaned from these ten years it’s this:
It’s a lot easier to just be two trains than it is to truly be one.
It’s easier to just be partners. Have a business relationship. Serve each other and raise the kids and get the job done, but marriage isn’t a picture of a business partnership —
It’s a picture of crazy romance and unparalleled love. The love of the Son for His bride, the church.
And so together, today, we’re committing afresh to that love. To turn again to one another. To pursue one another, not just getting stuff done. To laugh more and do a little bit less.
We’re committing to a shorter list of things to do and a longer list of things we’re grateful for.
So, dear reader, thanks for letting me share this–a short history of our 10-year journey of marriage. I am a most imperfect wife loving a most imperfect husband, and we commit afresh today to this thing called marriage–a picture of Jesus’ extravagant love for us.
Perhaps you may commit afresh today too?
And now, would you bless me? Would you share with us the best Marriage Advice you have received? Either from your own experience or that someone has shared with you? We’d LOVE to read your thoughts as we celebrate our anniversary this weekend. THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading! And Happy Anniversary, my Love!
Because the world isn't your report card…
I can still remember asking my mom the question when I was all of 7-years-old:
“Mommy, can I have a report card like the kids at school?”
I can still remember her smile. Her looking down at me. Her reply: “Honey, you are doing great. You work hard, you have a great attitude, and you’re learning lots. I’m so pleased with you. Why do you want a report card?”
Why did I want a report card? I don’t know. I was homeschooled. I didn’t have to have one. But I remember her kindly humoring me and taking a sheet of paper, writing my name, and making a list of A’s down the side with categories such as “cares for others,” “works hard,” and “listens well.” I clutched the hand-written report and beamed.
Now I have to chuckle and shake my head at this story. Partly because I still find myself 26 years later walking around the world and looking for a report card. Please? Or, worse–seeing everything in the world as one giant report card. Each day ends with a giant letter grade scribbled across the page of my life. Have you ever been there?
Sometimes it’s my kids. If we have a smooth day with cheerful attitudes or they sit quietly in church, I have an A. If they’re particularly sour or we had an incident at the store, I’m down to a D- and wish I weren’t even in the class.
Sometimes it’s my husband. Even though my man is awesome, way too often I have believed the lie that if he’s struggling it’s because I’ve somehow failed on my end. Haven’t submitted enough or been joyful enough or haven’t given him enough lovin’. No matter what the issue is, surely his struggle must indicate my failure. It’s just another unfortunate report card.
Sometimes it’s my writing. Can I just be brutally honest and say that sometimes, just sometimes, the number of Facebook “likes” can feel like a giant report card? Sometimes, when my eyes are not on Jesus or my heart is in a bad space, it can feel like daily standing naked before an audience and watching a thousand thumbs point up or down. Is it any wonder writer’s block plagues us at times?
Sometimes it’s ministry, friendships, the state of my house or the number on the scale or a whole host of other ridiculous “whatevers” that that particular day might hold. Anything can be taken by the enemy and folded into a nice paper report card, by which my happiness can come …
… and go.
The truth is, whatever the report card of the day might say, if we look to it to find our worth we are well on our way to misery.
The truth is, the world is not your report card.
The truth is, some days your kids are angels and some days they are … something else. Some days your man will be flourishing and some days he will struggle too … just like you. Some days you will be celebrated and some days you will be forgotten.
Just like Jesus.
His children misbehave sometimes. His Bride struggles often. His Word usually isn’t “liked” much at all.
What does that mean?
It means we must remember that our report card was a list of F’s for every category. But there is now, written in His blood, the name JESUS printed across the top, cancelling out every debt, every failure, every shortcoming.
We no longer need a report card. Jesus Christ nailed ours to the cross and told us, once and for all, we are accepted and beloved in Him. My mom’s words, “I”m so pleased with you. Why do you need a report card?”
You’re right, Mom.
I don’t.
~
{This is from last year but I love, love, love this truth and cling to it constantly, because Jesus is enough and His blood covers it all! Be free today from the shackles of a report-card existence. I pray blessing for you today … thanks for reading}