"Why do some animals eat gazelles?"
It’s late when she asks it.
She’s sleeping on the floor that night. Nana is here, so Heidi gets the special treat of camping out, next to Brother’s bed, in her princess sleeping bag. I lay out blankets, make it soft, then snuggle her into the nylon pink fluffiness. She wiggles down into warmth, and I lie there next to her in the dark. My eyes are puffy from crying. I’m so tired.
We lie there in the darkness, the silence. Brother shifts in his bed and yawns. Her back is to me and my arm is around her, my hand on her chest. Under her fleece jammies her tiny ribcage rises and falls with her breath. I close my eyes.
After awhile, I feel her turn toward me. She leans her face into mine, her eyes wide to see me in the dark. She reaches her small, damp, starfish hand up and touches my face.
“Mommy?” She whispers, so quiet.
“Yes, baby?”
“Why do some animals eat gazelles?”
Ah yes. That.
I wondered when she would ask.
My sweet girl loves gazelles. She saw them at the zoo, beautiful deer with the stunning antlers, grazing with the zebras. We had just seen the ballet Giselle, and she seemed to think these angelic animals were on par with ballerinas. Graceful and leggy–every little girl’s dream. So she loves gazelles and then one fateful day we were reading some wildlife book, turned the page, and there was the unfortunate full-spread picture of lions …. eating a gazelle.
She had sat, silent. Hadn’t said a word. I quickly moved past the page, and days–weeks even–had gone by.
But now, in the dark, she asks.
“Why do some animals eat gazelles?”
Her voice is equal parts curiosity and sadness. Why do they?, but then How could they?
I close my eyes again and feel so much sadder than the immediate moment warrants. My mind is on another little girl and boy, that same night, that same moment, tossing and turning in their own beds, asking the same question in another, infinitely more difficult way:
“Why did Mommy have to die?”
What exactly DO you do on the first goodnight without your Mommy? How do you fall asleep? What do you pray?
I pray.
I pray for K. and K., sweet children. I remember when Shawna was round with her first, baby boy. And now I’m praying for him as he faces his first night without her.
Tears slip down my cheeks. I pray more.
Heidi watches my face. I still need to answer her.
“I don’t know, baby girl. I think some things are hard for us to understand, but we know God loves us and uses everything sad to make everything beautiful, someday.”
Miraculously, she is satisfied with this.
She closes her eyes, her hand still on my cheek.
I inhale her sweet-apple-breath and stay right there, watching, until she falls asleep.
{Praying grace for whatever parts are aching in your heart today.May His love cover all that we don’t understand. Thank you for your faithful prayers for Shawna’s kids, and thanks for reading.}
Week's end with thanks {Grateful for LIFE edition}
- A heartbeat again today.
- Breath.
- Life.
- Another gift today.
- A sunrise, somewhere, even if it’s hidden behind rain clouds.
- Pitter patter of children, here, with me. Even their arguing sounds sweet.
- Nana here with us.
- Trees, fallen leaves, branches bare.
- A football game that gathers folks together for food and fun.
- Laughter.
- Hugging each other tighter, longer.
- Weeping with those who weep.
- Arm around the shoulder.
- Laboring in prayer for those who remain.
- That God’s mercies are new every morning.
- Wondering, dreaming of what her first morning in Heaven must be like.
- Datenight with my man. Never, ever, ever, ever want to take him and his extravagant love for granted. Oh God, help me love this man.
- Dreaming of our new-old home (built in 1906!). I do not understand why we get to enjoy such a season of newness, richness, joy, in the midst of someone else’s sorrow, but we will let the reminder of life’s quick vapor keep us grounded to what really matters. Paint colors will come and go, the love, laughter, and memories we share in our home will shape us forever.
- Dutch and Heidi snuggled in new jammies from Nana.
- Butternut squash soup. My favorite.
- Pumpkin Chiffon pie. I’ll eat it a little slower these days and savor every bite.
- A good night’s sleep.
- God’s miraculous provision of toilet paper. (Funny story.)
- My man, my parents, my Momma, my kids.
- His love.
{Have a blessed weekend; savor every second. Thanks for reading.}
Bringing some LIGHT to Black Friday
Let’s face it, among the goats and cows and rabbits we purchase this Christmas, we’ll still probably want to buy some gifts for our friends and family. Thankfully, there are ways to buy modest gifts for those we love that show our love and share our wealth.
So, before you head out to grab one of those $10 waffle-makers at Walmart (chances are all the workers will have walked-out anyway!), Check out these fabulous finds. And, no need to stand in a line out the door, circle a dozen times looking for a parking spot, or wake up at midnight tonight. Such a deal! A little careful planning and a little creativity can bring some real LIGHT to Black Friday.
Books:
- Revolution in World Missions by KP Yohannen. (free!)
- No Longer a Slumdog by KP Yohannen. (free!)
- A Life of Balance by KP Yohannen (free download or $3 donation for paperback)
- Hello Somebody athletic gray sweatshirts. These have a fabulous fit, both for men and women. They’re unisex-sized so Jeff wears a Large and I wear an XSmall. ($35) We bought these last year and it’s still my favorite go-to hoodie. All proceeds fund Hello Somebody children in Africa.
- Love41 sells handmade and unique items from around the world. Profits go towards helping orphans, widows and street kids in third world countries by educating, training, feeding, and showing them acts of compassion. (I’ve seen some of their stuff and it’s fabulous!)
- Hello Somebody watches. ($25)
- Tabitha’s-Hope bags and purses. ($15-40) Tabitha’s Hope provides needed jobs and money to people in Rwanda. Each product is sewn by skilled Rwandan tailors, and all the profits from Tabitha’s Hope go to fund projects that help their impoverished communities.
- Tabitha’s-Hope tablecloths and runners. ($30-40)
- Good African coffee. ($20) My friend brought me back some of this coffee from Uganda. Yum!
Before you shop, check out this list
- Gospel for Asia Christmas Gift Catalog. Something for every budget, $11 and up. For the same price as a camel-hair coat you can buy an actual CAMEL. Such a deal!
- World Vision Gift Catalog. 5 fruit trees for only $30! You can also buy $385 worth of clothing for only $35. THAT’s a great deal.
- Compassion Gifts. A cow is only $100 here — I’ve been bargain-shopping and that’s the best deal on a cow I’ve found so far.
- India Partners. Only $155 (the price of new boots) can dig a well providing water for 500 families in a rural village.