How to live with your parents (without killing each other)
Those of you who were part of this blog-family four years ago deserve an award. (Actually, we might do that!) Why? Because you waded through post after post after post of me lamenting about and struggling through the season where we quit our jobs and lived with my parents in order to finish seminary. It’s odd looking back. I love my parents’ house. I adore my parents. I can’t imagine a better couple to live with. They were amazing, patient, kind, generous. But there was something about the season that so stripped me of everything I had found my identity in until then. Even though The Road to Santa Clara was harder on the outside, the season of feeling useless, worthless, jobless, penniless at my parents’ house was the hardest season I’ve personally experienced thus far.
And now, I’m surprised by how many people I meet who have been in or are currently in a similar living situation. And they too say that it’s rough. And just recently a reader asked if I had any insights or encouragement to offer. I’m certainly no expert, but a few things come to mind:
::Establish clear roles and boundaries.
Hands down the hardest part was figuring our roles. Jeff was the head of our household but my dad was the head of his household and we were living in his house! So I would try to always look to and defer to Jeff but my dad’s personality is way stronger than Jeff’s and it just always felt like Jeff’s role was eliminated. Plus Jeff was gone all the time so my dad played with Dutch all day long and Dutch would ignore Jeff when he came home and ask for Papa instead. Ugh, I hated it! I was terrified that my son would start calling my dad Dada. (Silly things, but it felt big at the time!).
Looking back, I wish we had established some small things to make the roles more clear. (e.g. Jeff praying at meals half the time, Jeff taking Dutch for an hour when he got home.) Other friends have had a harder time with the female roles. Things like taking turns cooking, divvying up household chores, making clear distinctions between who is responsible for what.
::Find ownership in something.
It was hard to go from owning our own home and having projects, work, responsibilities, to suddenly being in someone else’s where they did everything. We wanted to do more. It helped trading on and off making meals, but I also started a garden so that I’d have some project and some ownership. This blog was also birthed from that. Jeff knew I needed some creative outlet that was mine, so this little space became my home. Whether it’s a hobby, garden, writing, exercise, find something that’s yours where you can pour your creativity.
:: Dates, dates, dates.
The hardest part of the season for us was that it really stretched our marriage. I spent so much time with my parents and so little time with Jeff because he was always gone at work and school. It was so hard! I’m glad for it, it made us stronger, but I wish we’d been more committed to going out on a date every single week. Just time to get out of the house and be together. Unfortunately we had no money so it made it tricky, but even going for walks together was a blessing! Make the marriage a priority!
::Be tenacious in thanks.
Hands down, the transformed gloom into gladness was a tenacious commitment to gratitude. I can see posts from that time period where I gripped hold of thanksgiving and wouldn’t let it go. That’s what transformed my mind and fixed my focus on God. Whether it’s a daily list, 1,000 gifts, or some other gratitude habit, force yourself to daily offer thanksgiving to God. Here’s a list I made from that season …
- I’m thankful for living with my parents because the rent is so cheap!
- I’m thankful for my dad spending all day long with Dutch because that means Dutch gets a special relationship with his grandpa that most little boys don’t get.
- I’m thankful Jeff only has a 1/2 time job because that gives him time to take Greek classes.
- I’m thankful we have no money because it means we’ve had the privilege of higher education.
- I’m thankful for our filthy bathroom because it’s so much better than going to the bathroom in a big pit like they do in 3rd world countries.
- I’m thankful for migraines and morning sickness because it means I have a precious little life growing in side me!
- I’m thankful for poopy diapers because it means Dutch is healthy!
- I’m thankful for dirty dishes and meals to prepare because it means we are not starving.
- I’m thankful for my weight gain and the fact that my clothes don’t fit right because it means our baby is growing!
- I’m thankful for the zits on my face because…hmm I’ll have to think a while longer about this one.
- I’m thankful for our dirty sheets that need to be changed because they cover the most comfortable bed in the world that I love sinking into every night.
::Take the One Another Challenge for the next month.
::Talk to someone who understands.
Finally, sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who’s been there, done that. They will understand, give you a hug, and lift up your chin. And if you want to read some of my most raw thoughts from that particular season … Here you go. At least you’ll be encouraged by realizing you’re probably handling your situation way better than I did! Thanks for reading.
When you really want to change …
You feel the tug. The war. The battle. We talked about it here. Your desires going back and forth. How do we win? How are we freed, victorious, sanctified … changed?
We are sanctified by the Holy Spirit changing what we want. He changes our desires. That is why the true work of the Spirit is always from the inside out. He changes what we want, because at the end of the day, we do what we want. The Holy Spirit changes us by changing what we want.
This is why those New Year Resolutions only work for so long without the power of the Holy Spirit changing what we want. Unless God changes our desires we WILL ditch our New Year’s goals by Valentine’s Day. Because at the end of the day we do what we want. Only God can change us from the inside out. And how He does that is by changing what we want. He transforms our minds and emotions to align with His plans.
Hannah Whitall Smith said this:
“He will take possession of our will and work it for us … His suggestions will come to us as desires springing up from within. They will originate in our will; we shall feel as though we wanted to do so and so, not as though we must. And this makes a service of perfect liberty; for it is always easy to do what we desire to do, let the accompanying circumstances be as difficult as they may.”
It’s not hard to do what we want to do. He sanctifies us from the inside out by changing what we want.
So, remember how we said that our Christian walk should be characterized by an increasing measure of freedom. Similarly, and even more so, our Christian life should be characterized by an ever-increasing desire for God and for the things of God. Our affections will change. Our desires will change. Not overnight! Sometimes slowly and with much labor and toil and retraining of our hearts, but as we yield to God and walk by the Spirit, He will actually change what we want. And this is the secret of growing in Christ, of sanctification and the free life of bearing fruit that so many miss. That it’s not about only doing the right thing, but letting Him change what we want. So often we remain like spiritual infants because we pray and then expect God to give us what we want. When instead He wants us to pray and ask Him to make us want what He wants. “Lord, make me want what you want. Make me desire what you desire. Or as the song goes, “Break my heart for the things that break yours.”
Get me excited for the things you get excited for. Help me be bothered by the things you’re bothered by.
Just like when we sold our house—it was a change of DESIRE. No oughts or shoulds or obligation. He changed our dreams…
our desires.
Do you see the difference? The heart is the seat of desire. When we pray to be women after God’s own heart, it means we want to be women with a heart like His. That is, we’re praying that God make the seat of our desires like the seat of His desires. Can we pray this together, today, sisters? God, make us want what You want. Change us from the inside out.
{Changing with you … Thanks for reading.}
*One practical place to start? Join us in the One Another Challenge: 31 Days to Friendship God’s Way. We’re asking God to change our relationships from the inside out!
One Another Challenge: 31 Days to Friendship God's Way
Encourage one another daily.
Hebrews 3:13
Happy Monday! I’ve been so excited to begin this challenge and today is the day! We’re kicking off a theme on Friendship, and we’ll be looking together on what God’s plan for friendship is, how to be better friends, and where to look for true, godly, rich friendships. I cannot tell you how the past few months of studying this material have blessed my life, and this past weekend we had the JOY of studying this topic together at the Oregon Women of the Word conference. I truly believe this is something on God’s heart for us right now, and I’m thrilled to share and grow with you.
So, Will you join me? Today we’re embarking on a simple One Another Challenge: 31 Days to Friendship God’s Way. Each day we will aim to live-out one of the biblical One Another commands in scripture in a practical way. I’ll post each Monday to give the week’s One Anothers and ideas for how to live them out, along with other thoughts periodically on friendship God’s way. You may want to print Monday’s post and have it handy so you can reference it each day. Of course you’re welcome to do whichever one on whichever day, but I like a list telling me what to do each day! You can practice these on a girlfriend, a relative, your spouse, your children, whoever. But ask God for His Holy Spirit to guide you and truly work in your heart from the inside out. I truly believe that if we purposefully live these out for 31 days we will begin to see true transformation in our relationships. You game?
Week 1:
Monday, May 21: Romans 12:10: “Honor one another.”
Honoring a friend could be as simple as writing her a kind facebook message (or writing a status message ABOUT her), hand-writing her a note acknowledging her kindness, dropping off some flowers on her doorstep, or calling her “just because” and telling her several things you love about her. Consider this your “warm up” day. 🙂
Tuesday, May 22: James 5:9: “Don’t grumble against each other.”
Be mindful today to not complain or grumble about anyone … even in your heart. When speaking on the phone or in person, be careful to keep your words positive, encouraging, edifying. Since we often are critical in our thoughts, fix your mind on the good things about your friends and family today, rather than slipping into criticism or judgment. Be mindful all day to meditate on the things you love, admire, and appreciate about your loved ones.
Wednesday, May 23: Romans 12:3-8: Confirm the gifts of one another.
Take time today to tell a friend what gifts you see in her life. Is she a great organizer? Is she fun, does she have a great sense of humor? Is she wise and full of godly counsel? Does she raise her children well? Is her home welcoming? Does she show hospitality graciously? Think through the gifts and talents of your friends and take a moment to tell them what you see. You may be amazed at how they light up when you point out the beautiful gems you see inside. Be honest and lavish in your love!
Thursday, May 24: Romans 15:7: “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you.”
Is there someone you have a hard time accepting? Someone’s attitude or choices? Is there a friend who is making unwise decisions and it frustrates you? Perhaps you may make some gesture that communicates your acceptance of that person. Though you are not condoning sin or encouraging a sinful behavior, communicate to someone that you accept and love them as a person. Perhaps something like this: “Even though we don’t see eye to eye, I want you to know that I love you, accept you, and appreciate you as a friend.” Does someone come to mind?
Friday, May 25: 1 Corinthians 12:25: “Have equal concern for each other.”
Sometimes (we all do it) we tend to have more concern for some people and less for others. Let’s face it, some people require more energy, and we’re hesitant to reach out. Just for today–treat that “extra energy required” person as if they were your very bestest friend. Check on them. Call them and listen to them. Write them an email just to see how they are. But also, please be subtle and show genuine concern, just in case she reads this blog and then thinks that she’s the “extra energy” friend in your life! 🙂 Above all, ask God to give you genuine concern for her, not just fulfilling your obligation or doing some duty.
Saturday, May 26: 1 Peter 5:5: “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.”
Every single day affords us the opportunity to humble ourselves before each other. OFTEN. Today think of how you can take the low seat, and put someone else’s needs above your own. Perhaps that means listening instead of talking, or putting someone else’s schedule above your own. Or praising a friend who you might struggle with envy toward. Consider how you can promote and praise a friend, breaking the back of pride and walking in humility and grace. Think today of lifting a friend up high and being content to sit in the shade while she shines.
Sunday, May 27: James 2:1: “Don’t show favoritism.”
Where do you usually sit on Sundays at church? Do you always sit in the same spot? Next to the same friend? Your “favorite” friend? 🙂 Perhaps today you would consider looking around and finding someone alone, someone who looks a little down, someone who could use a friend? Perhaps you might stay and talk longer with someone instead of rushing off to meet your favorite person. Perhaps you might invite a family over for lunch who you normally might not choose. Basically, treat someone else the way you would your “favorite” — choosing to extend love in a practical way.
{Thoughts, comments, ideas for how you might put these into practice? Thanks so much for joining this challenge, and for reading…}
Week's end with thanks
- Dutch humming to himself while he plays.
- Singing in the car.
- Heidi doing “Bible ‘tudy” next to me in bed.
- The way his shaggy hair squirts over his ears.
- Examining bugs.
- Little grubby hands, dirt under tiny fingernails.
- The Community Garden, planted!
- Sunshine every day.
- That every day contains just enough time for it all.
- Letting the rest of it go.
- $100 air-conditioner in our bedroom window. Worth its weight in gold!
- Oregon Women of the Word conference this weekend. Believing God will meet us powerfully! (Prayers, please!)
- The Bible study year almost complete.
- Looking forward to summer.
- Bunches of bananas.
- Running through fields with kids.
- Building a “teepee” out of tree branches. Hours of fun.
- Processing my “madness” here and so glad to process it with you!
- Epiphanies and breakthroughs.
- White sheets waving on the clothesline.
- The feeling of clean.
- All four of us healthy … finally. So grateful!
- Leaning into my man.
- His smell.
- Snuggling under her covers.
- Her stinky-sweaty just-woke-up-from-a-nap smell… LOVE it!
- Kissing her open, laughing mouth.
- Getting some time to myself.
- Boundaries.
- Learning to say no.
- Still loving saying yes.
- A warm bath.
- Sleep.
- That it doesn’t depend on us.
- His voice.
- His love.
- His presence.
- HIM!