Parenting: Standards, Motive, and Unconditional Love
In Who Calls You Happy? I confessed that I can still struggle with putting too much value in others’ opinions and letting their approval or disapproval be the standard by which I measure myself. Still working on that! I recently read a quote struck me between the eyes, with regards to how that exact same struggle can keep us from being the parents God calls us to be.
The issue was brought up when a mother confessed feeling SO frustrated by her children not measuring up to her recently-raised standards that she was having a hard time just enjoying them and showing them love. The author responds:
If you can’t bring your children up to your higher standards, and, as a result, you find that you are critical and losing fellowship with the kids, then lower your standards to the point where you can relax and enjoy their company. It is better to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels secure and loved than to have an undisciplined, selfish, self-centered brat who feels she is despised by everyone.
That IS SO TRUE. Have you ever found yourself consistently getting frustrated and angry, to the point that you can tell your relationship with a child has suffered? Looking back on my childhood, there are several things that come to mind that my parents probably could have been more strict on. It is a tragedy that I am 30 years old and still –in unguarded moments–put my elbows on the table during dinner. But the overwhelming feeling that characterizes my childhood is one of unconditional love and acceptance. For whatever reason I always felt like my parents were wildly proud of me and in love with me. I never doubted that they felt like they were the luckiest parents in the world to have my brother and I as children. That is priceless. That is worth a whole lot more than having perfect table manners.
If we have raised our standards to a point where our children in any way question our approval and undying affection for them as people, we gotta figure something else out. We either need to rise to the occasion and train them more consistently, or lower our standards to the point where they can succeed.
So how do we determine where to set the standard? Consider this challenging thought, perhaps especially challenging for pastor’s wives 🙂
There can be only one motive for training your children–their welfare as they grow to bring glory to God. If you accept pressure from friends, relatives, or society to perform in a certain way, then you are no longer raising children; you are coaching performers. The expectation of others is a blind motivator. It cares not for soul or child, but praise of parents. Don’t let anything, including [this book], put you under pressure to display your good parenting. If necessary, be content to be a failure. Care not for your reputation. True training is soul training.
Wow. I can think through times in the past that I have made standards for my children that were not my own, but were based on the expectations of those around me. It grieves me so much to think of it–what a sad trap. Parents, beware!
My mom has often told me a story she (and I) will never forget. When my older brother was a baby she held him a lot. A LOT. One time a woman came over (who did not have children) and commented, “Good grief, do you ever put that baby down?” My mom, succumbing to pressure, put my brother down and left him on the floor. Of course he was fine, but my mom’s heart was pricked sharply with conviction. She knew she had done not what was necessarily in my brother’s best interest (even though he certainly didn’t suffer from being put down), but was simply responding to peer pressure and a voiced criticism. She vowed with all her heart to never succumb to peer pressure again but to parent with that one motive–her children’s welfare for the glory of God. And, I can attest, she never, compromised that conviction again. She was called a marsupial on occasion, but she loved holding her children… I’m so glad she did. 🙂
I’m asking God afresh to help me raise my precious children for their good and His glory. That’s it. And what of my standards? I’m asking for wisdom from above, thankful that He’s promised to give it liberally and without finding fault (James 1:5). Let’s convince our children that we are blessed beyond words to be their mommy–that we are wild with love for them. And, as always, let’s not forget to smile. 🙂
(Word to the Wives) Spicin’ it Up: It’s easier than we think.
I’m standing here at the counter making dinner. I’m wearing dangling earrings. That should tell you that something is up. I never wear jewelry, or at least very rarely. I have nothing against it, I just hardly ever remember to wear it and somehow it never feels like “me”–feels like I’m dressing up like someone else. Not that I shun accessories, my accessory of choice is mascara–which is less of an accessory and more of a necessity. You do not want to see me without it–my hair is blond and so are my eyelashes. Enough said.
Anyway, tonight I’m wearing earrings. Jeff and I had a date planned, but because of the weather we needed to cancel, so we’re on a “family date” at home. I made fresh salmon, five little loaves of pumpkin cake to deliver to the neighbors, and went all out by putting on make-up and said earrings. I even changed out of my old black t-shirt and put on a new black-tshirt. It’s a hot date!
…
Of course the magic of these few simple steps isn’t that it turned me into a supermodel or transformed our dining room into a Michelin star restaurant. We’re light years from that. It simply spiced things up. More than anything it just changed my attitude, made me feel pretty, put a smile on my face, changed the air of our home into a place of excitement and celebration rather than another ho-hum night. And you know what?
It worked.
When Jeff walked in he could sense it immediately. The house smelled delicious and it’s amazing how easily pleased husbands are when we just make a tiny bit of effort with our appearance. 🙂 We enjoyed our dinner then went for a walk in the snow with the kids and delivered our home-baked goods. Everyone was home because of the snow so it was a perfect time to meet new neighbors!
By 7:30 the kids were in bed leaving plenty of time for us to have to ourselves. All this to say that at-home dates are totally possible with a teeny bit of effort. Yes, it’s great to get out, but for those of us with little ones, this season of life means at-home dates are going to be the reality for a while. We might as well figure out little ways to spice it up–it’s easier than we think. 😉
Frugal Friday: Simple Diet (Five More Family-Friendly Frugal Favorites)
I apologize for the title. Fridays really bring out my alliterative compulsion and sometimes it’s not pretty. For the past 6 weeks we’ve been talking about the Simple Diet, one way to give our diets and budgets the major overhaul they just might need. By limiting choices, simplifying meals, and examining the myth of convenience food, we’re taking steps toward health, frugality, and simplicity. So far we’ve looked at
- Simple Step 1: Eat oatmeal.
- Simple Step 2: Simplify snacks!
- Simple Step 3: Think whole. (And a guest post)
- Simple Step 4: Simple Lunch.
- Simple Step 5: Make Dinner Happen
After talking about the value of having dinner together as a family, and after receiving much encouragement to make this happen in our family, I am pleased to say that for the last few weeks we have done this every night. Already I am so pleased at how my kids are much more likely to eat what they are served. And although my picky eater rarely finishes his entire dinner (unless it’s some form of bread), he has learned that he therefore forfeits dessert and bedtime snack and he’s content with this arrangement. And let me tell you that boy comes to his oatmeal bowl in the morning a little bit ravenous and a lot bit grateful for food! This morning he ate his big bowl and my bowl–apparently it’s a new diet for me as well…
We looked at 5 recipes last week, and here are 5 more. These are the five that I usually cook in one day, and then eat some, give some, and freeze some. I can always think of someone in my life who could use a hot meal, so I love cooking a bunch in one day and then having plenty to share. Plus it’s so fun to deliver a hot meal and models sharing for our kids!
Yes, this is a lot of chicken meals, but that’s where we live isn’t it? Chicken, nine times out of ten, is what’s for dinner.
One Day Cooking: Chicken (Read here about roasting the whole chicken and preparing stock for these recipes) After roasting the chicken and making the stock, put together these yummy recipes. They use much of the same ingredients so it’s actually very simple to make them all on the same day.
Note: This will take from morn to night to do from start to finish. Often I”ll roast the chicken and make stock one day, then make these recipes the next day. It’s a ton of food but it all freezes well and is delicious!)
1. Chicken & Rice Bake: (Yes, we talked about this one last time. I’m including it here because I always make it on the “chicken cooking day”, and it’s so good it’s worth mentioning again. If you haven’t made it yet, do!)
2.Herbed Chicken and Dumplings (Jeff LOVES this. You can even make a ton of the chicken/veggie broth and then add the dumplings fresh whenever you serve it. Just use shredded chicken and this comes together in a flash.
3. Tarragon Chicken-in-a-pot Pies (With or without tarragon this is delicious. This is also a great way to use that frozen zucchini from last summer!)
4. Chicken Vegetable Soup (I skip the parsnips and turnips. The leeks make this delicious! Just use shredded chicken and your homemade stock.)
5. Chicken Shepherd’s Pie:
- 1 1/2 lbs potatoes (I use organic red, unpeeled)
- 3 cloves garlic, crushed and peeled
- 3 TB whipping cream (I just use whole milk)
- 1 1/4 tsp salt
- 2 TB butter
- 1 small onion, chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped
- 1 lb. chicken shredded (from the whole chicken)
- 2 TB flour
- 1 cup chicken broth
- 1 cup frozen peas (Costco’s organic ones are a great deal)
- Optional: 1 cup frozen shredded zucchini
Boil potatoes, mash with butter, garlic and milk, add 3/4 tsp salt, set aside.
Melt butter in skillet, add onion, then carrots. Cook until tender. Add chicken. Sprinkle flour over mixture, stir until no streaks of flour remain. Add broth and remaining 1/2 tsp salt, bring to boil, reduce to simmer, cook until thickened. Stir in peas. (I add zucchini here)
Spoon into pie plate, spoon potatoes on top to form a top crust. If desires, sprinkle with shredded cheese. Bake 30 minutes at 350 until top is golden.
Enjoy!
(in)courage: Who Calls You Happy?
Hello, friends!
And if you’re new here, Welcome. My name is Kari and I’m so glad you came.
Today is an exciting day because today we get to join the many faithful women of (in)courage, an online community that serves as home to the hearts of women. I pray, as always, that everything you read here, and there, helps us live out the sacredness of the mundane–glorifying God in the details of life. Here’s a little glimpse of today’s post…
Who Calls You Happy?
“Do you like it?” I pointed at the Anthro-inspired artwork I’d quilted out of old sweaters and looked at my friend, awaiting her response.
She shrugged her shoulders and looked at me. “Do you like it?”
I stared back at her. What?
Did I like it?
The question took me back to 7th grade when I wore a rather unusual twirly skirt to school one day. My grandma had made it, and it was either stunning or horrid—I couldn’t decide. It would certainly take some work to pull it off. I went for it.
Of course it took all of two minutes for me to see the verdict on the faces of the girls at school. A glance down, eyebrows up, look back up at my face, smirk. It was dumb. My skirt had failed. I went home at lunch and changed my clothes.
Later that day a friend had chided me with wisdom beyond her twelve years: “Why’d you change? Don’t let what other people think make you change your clothes. If you like the skirt, wear it.”
Did I like the skirt?
Do I like the artwork?
Or are my opinions simply the sum total of others?
While I’ve grown out of that skirt, I haven’t grown out of my over-dependence on others’ opinions…[Read the rest here]