Giving and Receiving: A Lesson From a Cell Phone
I am, by nature, a rule-follower, and I like clear-directives and black and white answers. Please leave out the gray, thank you very much. Just tell me what I need to do.
Of course our Heavenly Father, the Almighty Creator God of the Scriptures, continually reminds us that it is not about rules but relationship. So just when I think I have a nice clear-cut rule to live by, He loves to frustrate it all to pieces and remind me to live by relationship.
Of course there are clear-cut principles in Scripture, but Christianity is not primarily about principles but rather, a Person. So while the Person of Christ will obviously never contradict what He has supernaturally revealed in His Word, there may be ways that we can follow Scripture’s broad mandates and yet miss the essence of Christianity–relationship.
So apply all this to giving. Specifically, apply all this to our Adventure in Giving. We’ve been at it for 2 months now (giving 41% and living on a very, very tiny–did I mention tiny?–amount of money, by US standards), and of course there have been many amazing blessings. But in classic God-fashion, He used the blessings not just to show us that He is the Provider, but also to teach me a little bit about giving … and receiving.
Lesson From a Cell Phone
Jeff’s old phone was awful. It would just randomly turn off all the time, and since we have no land-line and that’s the phone he uses for work, it was especially tricky. But he wasn’t up for an upgrade and seeing that we’d given all our money away :), there was no new phone on the horizon. Well the funniest thing happened one morning: I slept through alarm (which has never happened in the entire year of prayer meetings), and so I was late for my 6am Morning Prayer meeting and then couldn’t even leave the house to meet up with the ladies because I couldn’t get a hold of Jeff (because he was at Starbucks studying and his phone had gone and turned off). So, long story, because of some crazy circumstances, the ladies in my prayer meeting (who knew I was trying to track down Jeff) ran into him at Starbucks where they had to meet since they couldn’t get into the church building (since I had the keys). So they just happened to run into him, which reminded him of my meeting, which made him look down at his phone, which made him express out loud how frustrating it was that his phone always turned off. Well of course they overheard this and next thing you know they start praying that Jeff can get a new phone. 🙂 (Gotta love prayer-warriors!) Well that weekend wouldn’t you know it, but $300 cash was tucked under our doormat along with a note about places to buy high-quality smart-phones. Ha!
But this is going somewhere… Jeff ended up contacting a friend of his who works at Verizon and we ended up being able to work some deal where Jeff did get an upgrade, so he had a choice. For just under the amount they gave us he could get brand new Droid (top of the line phone) and we could both get ear-pieces so that we can drive and talk (I didn’t have one and his didn’t work). OR, of course he could get a much cheaper phone and we could not get ear-pieces. But then we’d have a bunch of money leftover.
A choice. If you know me you are smiling because you know that my logic would always be–buy the cheaper phone, go without the ear-pieces, give the rest of the money away. Why should we have a super nice phone when some people have no food?!
But you know what? The dear people who gave us that money gave it to us for a phone. I know that they love Jeff dearly and want him to have the very best resources for ministry so that he can talk, text, send emails, get connected easily, and get calls done while driving. I happen to know that they know that technology is his love-language :). Bottom line? They wanted to bless him. To give the money away to something else was not an option. In fact, I think it would have been wrong.
Or, more accurately, it wouldn’t be appropriate stewardship. Right? Stewarding means that you use and invest the money that is entrusted to you according to the desires/values/wishes of the owner. If this generous person gave us money for a phone and I went and gave it all away to someone else instead, that’s not stewarding the money according to the wishes of the giver. It’s not just a wad of cash. There’s a relationship behind those 15 twenty-dollar bills and there’s a desire to bless. We honor the giver by simply receiving the gift with joy and thanksgiving.
I’m sure you see the application. All of our money is God’s, that one thing is clear. If anything I can say that that has been the lesson that is hammered home this past fall as we studied James and our Mission: Hope series. I’ve handed over our money, our house, everything. And while I DO think that 9 times out of 10 we keep way too much for ourselves and give way too little to the real needs of others, Jeff and I sense that perhaps the story of the $300 was a little illustration for us. The appropriate use of that money was to use it to acquire what the giver intended, and then also to use whatever was left over in order to further God’s kingdom in other ways. An inappropriate use of that money would be to buy less than what the giver intended and then give away the rest. Again, in either scenario all of the money is used for Kingdom purposes, right? So then what does it matter? It matters because there is a relationship, and because the giver, in this case, wanted to provide a specific blessing for us and for our ministry. To disregard their wish would be wrong. (unless of course it was foolish or sinful, of course–which it was not)
So all that to say that I will not lie, the past 2 months have carried a lot of stress as I’ve tried to live on a ridiculously small amount of money. Yes, it has been a growing and learning experience, as I feel like we’ve tasted perhaps a teeny tiny bit of what it’s like to live in a situation where you don’t have the freedom to go to the store and buy milk when you want to. We’ve eaten a lot of bread and rice :),but I know that that is still ABUNDANCE compared with how most of the world lives. So, in that way it’s been a great experiment. But we both sense that perhaps the Giver intended for us to use a tiny bit more of that money that He gave us. To refuse to receive it is not appropriate stewardship. Bottom line? We’ve decided to cut back on our giving a tiny bit.
Now I’m not talking about giving up on giving!! The difference we’re “taking back” is only 3.8%, which drops us down to giving about 37% instead of 41%. You know what the real difference is? I think I pridefully liked the idea of giving such a large percentage. How gross is that? Ick. Isn’t pride sickening? So I think God wanted to both cut me some slack in the budget department and cut me down a notch in the pride department. 🙂 I’m thankful for both.
But here’s the cool thing, while I’ll admit I felt deflated at first by realizing we “couldn’t do it” (as if it were some personal challenge or something, again all based on pride, yuck), the awesome part is that we’ve gotten so accustomed to living on little, that now to have that extra 3.8% I feel like we’re rich!! I even bought sparkling cider to have on Christmas! I’m so excited to fill my car up with gas and know that I’m not taking away my children’s grocery money! 🙂 So, all in all, there is much to be thankful for.
And, we still get to continue partnering with some awesome ministries, sponsoring some beautiful children, and supporting our wonderful home church. It’s a win win. And for now we still live in our home (no bites yet). That too is an open hand. If God says stay we stay. If He says go we go. I do wish it would sell because I’d love to free up all those resources for other things, but I’m thankful for the reminder that it’s all about a relationship with our Heavenly Father who is the most gracious Giver the world has ever known.
So I pray this Christmas you give–and receive–with joy, grace, and overwhelming gratitude as you revel in your relationship with our Beautiful Savior. He is so good.
(Re)Learning to be fun: The Wife Edition
A few weeks ago I shared that I’m (Re)Learning to be fun, and I’m a little relieved to know I’m not the only mom who’s relearning this fun-stuff! Now if you’ve been married for longer than, say, a week, tell me this: If you look at pictures of when you were dating, or newly married, what do you see? I did this recently and you know what I saw? A whole lot of fun.
Our honeymoon album sits on the dresser in our bedroom. Its pages are filled with our fun adventures on Kauai. We had disasters (The Love Nest!), we had serious times, but all in all we began our marriage willing to laugh at anything, try anything, work it out and risk it all. You did too, right?
But somewhere along the line there were one too many dirty socks left balled up on the floor. One too many whiny children, one too many late nights working, or just one too many responsibilities that took precedence over, well, fun. The checkbook may be balanced and the house clean. The children may even behave, miracle of all miracles, but something’s missing.
I confessed it to Jeff like this–I can unwittingly become the “antibacterial wife”. I sterilize our life. In some ways I have taken those Lysol wipes and given our whole life a wash down–we are germ free, streak free, dust free little creatures. Just like with mommyhood, as wives we can be efficient, effective, and productive–and have barren souls and joyless lives. How tragic! Now we as a family are certainly not there (barrenness and joylessness), but hey, we could use a dose of fun in the marriage department. Anybody else?
I mentioned before the Created to be his helpmeet book by Debi Pearl. She repeatedly talks about being your husband’s playmate. Being fun, flirtatious, energetic, purposefully injecting your family’s life with joy and vitality. That is part of our job, girls! So why is that so hard for me?
So here is where it began to click for me: Part of submitting to my husband is joyfully and enthusiastically submitting to his initiatives for fun. What do I mean by this? I mean that 9 times out of 10 it is Jeff who suggests we do something out of the ordinary. He’s way more likely to suggest that we go to ice cream or go rent a movie or just go on some silly excursion as a family. Me? Oh I’m usually the one who proceeds to slip into my INTJ mastermind mode and do some hopelessly OCD analysis of whether we have the money and whether that’s wise biblical stewardship and how many orphans we could be feeding with that ice cream money and whether the kids will get to bed on time and whether that’s the best parenting technique and blah blah blah…anyone want to throw up yet? Yeah, someone please punch me. The right thing to do? The thing that will honor, esteem, respect, and bless your husband? Give an enthusiastic, “Let’s do it!” and let the whole family get caught up in your joyful embrace of dad’s plans. (And, if God truly convicts you about giving more away to orphans, then cut corners in some other area and give it quietly away, but don’t sabotage your husband’s initiatives!) So this has struck me the last few weeks and and God has given me three recent opportunities to (Re)Learn this lesson again.
Opportunity 1: Target
Because of a lovely stomach bug, I had an interesting week that included not being able to eat much. So Wednesday night, I was about as lively and fun as a dirty sock, and when Jeff came home from work I had just finished going over our budget (that’s another post, more on that later), so you can imagine how joyfully adventurous I felt at the moment. Jeff could see that, and he had also known that I’d been wanting to do this particular project with Christmas lights (which we didn’t have), but hadn’t wanted to spend the money to buy them. So, he announced, “Let’s all take a family trip to Target and get a box of Christmas lights and we can do your project together! You can get an apple cider to help your stomach. It’ll be fun!”
I froze. Dilemma. Side one: We can’t spend money on frivolous things like that. We’ve given it all away and don’t even have gas money left. What on earth are we doing buying Christmas lights when some kids have no food. It’ll be way past our kids bedtimes. Target will be a zoo. Side two: LET YOUR HUSBAND LEAD. Resolution: “Ok. Let’s do it.” I wish I could say I did it joyfully and enthusiastically, but I can’t. But at least I went along with it!
What was so neat was that on the way there, Jeff was sharing with me how he’d been stirred and challenged again by Mark Driscoll’s exhortation to husband’s that they should lead their families in doing festive fun activities during the holidays. Usually it’s the wife who wraps gifts, decorates, etc. but part of leading is leading your family in fun. When he shared that it helped me realize that I had been so close to dumping cold water on his awesome efforts to lead our family in fun. Oh wives, how discouraging we can be to our dear husband’s noble efforts!
No need to bore you with Target details, but can I just say we had SO much fun. We ended up finding just the thing to help my stomach, we found lights at a great price, the kids were great, we found a certain toy that Dutch had been dreaming about for a long time (and it only cost $2.36! That made me happy!), and Jeff and I put the kids to bed and then spent the whole evening working together on my little project. So. Good. For. Us. Lesson learned.
Opportunity 2: Blazers
I guess God wanted to give me lots of practice at this so we are having lots of fun. Jeff had been talking for a long time about maybe going to a Blazer game together to celebrate graduating seminary. Again, we never go out. We never even eat out. For crying out loud we never even buy packaged food, are you beginning to see the picture here? (I don’t need to repeat the Side one and side two scenario from above. You get it.) So, I found crazy cheap tickets and bought them! My parents took the kids for the whole night, and we had a REAL date out and it was SO fun. There were so many amazing details, again I won’t bore you with all them, but our little date had God’s hand all over it. He was showing me, again and again, it’s not a waste of money to invest in your marriage, to have fun with your man, to bless him and love him and create memories together. (To give you perspective, they were $9 tickets, are you laughing at me yet?) Talk about worth it! It was so fun. This morning we got up and used a gift card to go out to breakfast at Panera Bread. We wasted time all morning talking and sipping coffee and walking through the mall marveling at how much stuff we’re happy that we don’t need. 🙂 It was so FUN!
Opportunity 3: Maui
Yeah, I know, right about now you’re ready to throw things at me. The fact that my “submitting” and “letting go” would include being willing to take a Hawaiian vacation seems very strange, but hear me out. Again, long story but we have never taken a vacation–other than to visit other family, since we’ve gotten married. We’ve never done a vacation just us. We also received counsel that it might be helpful for us to get away somewhere sunny (or go tanning!) during the winter. Well a friend told me about a crazy cheap flight to Hawaii. Again, I added it all up, and while yes, it was steal of a deal (cheaper than going to California!), I still felt like it was ridiculous to spend that much money on ourselves. To tell you the honest truth I still struggle with it. Yes we found a great, cheap motel, all that, and the dates worked out perfectly and I do think it will be a marvelously blessed and restful and sweet experience for our little family (before Heidi turns 2 and requires a ticket :), but it still feels very very extravagant. But you know what? If my husband, who God has placed as my spiritual head, wants to bless me by taking us there, I will joyfully and enthusiastically embrace it! And yes, it is not hard to warm to the idea. 🙂 So hey, maybe this learning to be fun stuff can actually be, well, fun!
So I share this to just encourage all my fellow wives out there–Let’s (re)learn how to be fun. When our husband wants to bless us, let’s embrace it rather than hee and haw over how much it costs. Maybe that means cutting corners elsewhere but at least you’re letting your man be a man and you’re letting yourself and your marriage be blessed. And even more than just responding joyfully to his initiative, let’s (can you imagine?) brainstorm ways to be fun. How can you add laughter to the dinner hour? How can you spice up your evening? How can you plan a fun date doing something he’d enjoy? (ticketstub.com has cheap Blazer tickets!) How can you make yourself be just a tad bit silly and loosen up a bit? It’s amazing how the whole house responds to whatever vibe mom happens to send. We have so much power, girls–let’s use it to bless our husbands and (Re)learn to be fun all over again.
Need a place to start? Smile. Really, that’s it. Just practice smiling and you’ll catch on soon enough.
Need more inspiration? Get out those honeymoon photo albums!
Happy fun-making!
Kari
PS Got ideas to introduce more fun into marriage? Please share!
A year of CCE and what we've learned
December 15th marks one year since we began this, the Cash, Coupons, and Envelope system.
The things that go ungraded
It feels so good to finish, doesn’t it? I love fresh starts, but fresh starts are twice as delicious when you’ve just finished the last chapter, and finished it well.
Last night I had the wonderful honor of sitting at Multnomah Biblical Seminary graduation and watching my husband receive his Master’s degree. It has been a long 5 1/2 year journey for both of us, amidst working full time, giving birth to two kids, living with my parents, commuting, ministry, you name it. It’s been a wild ride and I am SO thankful that we did it. And ahhhh it feels so good to finish.
So as Jeff finishes this leg of the race, I have to take a second and celebrate a few things:
Thank you for the things that go ungraded:
- Standing neck-deep in a “live” sewer line in the pouring rain, covered in mud (and other stuff!), doing your construction job faithfully day after day, month after month, so we could pay for seminary.
- Getting up at 5am every morning, getting an early start at work so we could leave early for class.
- Putting aside your studies to snuggle the kids, change a diaper, tuck into bed.
- Being willing to live with your in-laws 🙂 so we could afford to keep going!
- Giving up your beloved Jeep when baby came along.
- Camping in the dorms during your week-long intensive class so I could have the car.
- Making innumerable between-class runs to the quickie-mart to get me crackers (or whatever I craved) to stave off morning sickness!
- Making oatmeal for us every morning, even when you leave too early to eat it yourself!
- Living out what you study and learn by the way you love me and lead our family.
Yes, I’m glad he has his degree. I’m glad he finished. I’m glad that from now on we might actually have date-nights that don’t include reading theology books and writing research papers! 🙂 But most of all I’m thankful for the things that go ungraded. Thank you, my husband, for finishing well in every way. I love and respect you.