Sacred Mundane: The Blog

December 20th, 2010

Dear Dutch,

I just tucked you into bed for the last time as a three-year-old.  Boy, you capture my heart.  I came into your room and snuggled up on your bed and asked, “Now Dutch, tell me again–what day is tomorrow?”  With a huge grin in your face you said, “My birthday!!”  “And Dutch, how old are you going to be tomorrow?”  “FOUR!!!”  Then you went on, “And after I’m four, then I’m going to be FIVE! And after I’m five, then I’m going to be SIX! And after…” You went on through all the numbers that you know, until … “then I’m going to be ELEVEN!  (pause) … Mommy, what comes after eleven?”  I told you, and you continued all the way through fourteen.  Then I made you stop because I couldn’t bear the thought of you any older than that, as tears were streaming down my smiling face.  “Fourteen!!  Mommy, I’m going to get SO BIG!”  Tears …  “Yes, baby, you’re going to get so big. This is your last night as a three-year-old boy. You’re going to get so big.  And mommy is so proud of you.  I’m so proud to be your mommy. You are growing so big and godly, and your so brave and kind and smart. Mommy is so proud of you.”

You replied, “Mommy, I love you.  This is the best day.”  I smiled. More tears.

“And Mommy, I have one more thing to tell you.”

“Yes, Dutch?”

“I love Daddy.”  You went on to tell me that you love sister too, and that you love your friends and that you’re never going to be mean to your friends again but you’re going to be a good friend always.  And then you said how much you love our big house and that you’re happy that it’s never going to sell because you want to live here forever. 🙂  And then you randomly began talking about something I cannot repeat because you are learning about private boy and girl parts and you said the most hilarious thing I have ever heard but I cannot blog about. 🙂  So I steered the conversation back to birthdays.

“Goodnight, Mommy.”

“Goodnight, Dutch.”

And now I’m here, son, sitting in my own bed and thinking about what an amazing past four years these have been.  I remember Christmas four years ago, listening to Joseph’s Song by Mercy Me, over and over, thinking about baby Jesus and you, my miracle baby boy, watching you sleep, overwhelmed with love and excitement, and yet terrified, knowing how much was at stake, knowing what a cruel world you were entering and how great was the call God has on your life.  But God has been faithful these past four years and I know He will continue to be.

I do believe, with all my heart, dear son, that God has called you to great things. I plead with God daily for the grace and diligence to train you in His ways, to do all that I possibly can to raise you to be a man of integrity, self-control, honesty, discipline, and character.  I pray specifically that in the next year to two years that you would pray to receive Christ as your Savior, that you would be born again as a new creation, and that His Holy Spirit would enable you to walk in God’s ways. I’m amazed at how much you already understand of the Gospel, and I pray God will quicken your little spirit to full comprehend the gift of grace in Jesus Christ.  If you and Heidi  faithfully walk with Him all of your days then my life will be a success.

Tomorrow you will get many fun toys.  I can’t wait to see your delighted face and squeals of delight.  I can’t wait to make you your favorite pancakes in the morning and I can’t wait to serve you blue cupcakes tomorrow night.  I can’t wait to hear you recite your latest verse, “By wisdom a house is built.  Proverbs 24:FIVE!” and hold out your five fingers, then jump up and down and ask, “Now can I have my gummy?”  Rewards are certainly the way to your heart.  🙂

Thank you, son, for four wonderful years of life. I plead with God today that He helps me be the mommy I need to be to raise you in His ways.  I want with every ounce of my being for you to simply be a man who loves God.  And even this moment, on the dawn of your fourth birthday, I pray this year you would grow to be a little boy who loves God.  Continue to embrace life. Color, play, race, and run with all your might. It’s fine with me if you continue to wear your pants backwards as well, we have plenty of time to work on that down the road.

Happy birthday, son!  You are a fine four-year-old boy.

With love beyond your comprehension,

Mommy.

I have yet to find a Bible verse that specifies exactly how long one should breast-feed or whether infants should share sleep with their parents.  But, oh how thankful I am for helpful and wise resources which steer us clueless parents in the direction of peace, order, and joy.  The Babywise series is just one of these blessed resources.

I do not mean to exaggerate when I share this story, but it was all but a divine encounter when I discovered the original Babywise book. When Jeff and I were first married (and clueless to the ways of child-rearing might I add), we occasionally babysat for a few other couples so they could have a night out. (They seemed inordinately grateful for this and now I understand why!).  During one of these late nights at a house, while the children slept, I discovered Babywise on a bookshelf. It called to me.  I read most of it sitting there in the dark and was hooked.  When we discovered Dutch was on the way we bought a copy and I read it, re-read it, underlined and dog-eared it, and kept it by my bed for reference when I wanted to throw in the towel.

The gist of it, as most of you know, is that most children thrive on a routine–in a world that is brand new and unpredictable and out of control, it is comforting for children to have a predictable and calming routine that brings peace and order as they learn to make sense of a new world.  Along with that, training children to put themselves to sleep develops good sleep habits which literally benefit them the rest of their lives.

The next book in the series, Toddler-wise, goes over basics of early-discipline, teaching children how to feed themselves, etc.

Somehow I’d missed the fact that there was a Preschool-Wise book as well.  Again, I’m not meaning to exaggerate but it was an answer to prayer. We were doing well but Dutch was having a difficult month in November and I was feeling again exasperated and discouraged.  During one of our routine trips to the library, I was perusing the parenting section and TaDa! there it was.  I came home and about fell out of my chair as it addressed perfectly everything we were experiencing with Dutch. Bottom line? I had still been parenting in a toddler-style when Dutch is almost 4 years old and needing the bar raised. So after this lengthy introduction, let me share a few words about Preschool-Wise.

• Moral Education the Key to all Learning: Of the four areas of development (physical, emotional, intellectual, and moral), it is absolutely critical that moral training be the bedrock foundation for the other three. We all know this is true, right? It doesn’t matter if I raise a genius–if he is selfish, lying, brat there is no hope.  Scriptures tell us that he who does not obey will die (that’s the Dutch-memory-verse version of Prov. 19:16), so it matters not how smart out kids are if they cannot obey.  This is most clear in the area of self-control. If a child can learn self-control then he will have the discipline to learn anything.  This is so encouraging! It helps us focus our training on just those few things that will then enable our children to excel in other areas.  As a result of this we have primarily focused on self-control as our learning goal this past month.
• Choice Addiction: Another great parenting/education book is Parenting with Love & Logic.  It emphasizes the importance of giving children controlled choices.  It’s a fabulous book, but sometimes as parents we can get so focused on choices that we unwittingly turn our children into Choice Addicts. Meaning, they are so used to always having several choices, at every turn, that when faced with a situation where they are given a simple command and no choice, they balk at it and rebel.  I too saw this some in Dutch.  Yes, he would use a polite voice and be respectful in his many requests and preferences, but I could see an underlying attitude that assumed he would always get what he wanted.  This breeds a heart of entitlement, consumerism, and preference-driven lifestyle.  To my surprise, he actually responds well now that I have given him more direction and fewer choices.  Then, as he grows in maturity he will be allowed more choices. As my friend Heather put it, children should be allowed choices once they are ok not having them. Well said. When children demonstrate an ability to obey cheerfully and right away, the privilege of choice will be a delight to bestow.
• Laws of Correction: Authors Ezzo and Bucknam suggest four laws of correction: 1) Distinguish between childishness and defiance. This one I’d been familiar with but it was a great reminder.  2) All correction must promote learning.  This was really helpful because, like I said, I think I was still using toddler-parenting methods when Dutch was ready for a step up. The authors encourage constant instruction and teaching when correcting. At this age, a child is old enough to learn why something is wrong. When disciplining, our correction will twice as effective if we are diligent to help explain why a behavior is wrong or inappropriate.  I’ve found that while a toddler’s most frequent word may be “no” the preschooler’s most frequent word is “why?”  So tell them why!  3) Make any punishment fit the crime.  Making discipline appropriate for the misconduct will help solidify the learning process. 4) An offense against a person or property requires an apology.  This too is ingrained in our minds at home, but it was a great reminder about the difference between saying “sorry” for an accident and asking for forgiveness when something was intentionally done wrong.  Oh what a favor we do our children when we teach them how to quickly confess and ask forgiveness! Their spouses will thank us down the road. 🙂
• Great Practical Tips on Chores, Sitting Still, Whining, and Toys. What I love about this book is how practical it is.  I HAVE to have practical suggestions or I’ll be lost.  They give great ideas on chore charts (and what chores are appropriate for 3 and 4 year-olds) and how to teach children to sit still (Dutch sits with us in “big church” now so we are working on this every weekend). Especially helpful for this time of year was the appendix on recommended toys that promote learning, creativity, and development.  I was pretty excited to see Legos and play-doh topped the list since that’s what our kids are getting under the tree.

So if you have little ones, I’d whole-heartedly recommend Preschool-wise.  And if you don’t, remember how Jeff and I used to offer to babysit for young couples with kids?  Isn’t that a neat idea? 🙂