Sacred Mundane: The Blog

So here’s a shocker.  I’ve found that 9 times out of 10, my discontentment has nothing to do with stuff, it has to do with people.  Take all the clothes out of my closet. Fine.  I’ll wear my bathrobe.  But if my husband is three hours late for our camping trip?  T-i-c-k-e-d.  I’m discontent in a hurry.

Not that that happened.  Purely hypothetical.  Ok, it did happen.  And yes, of course it wasn’t his fault, blah blah blah, none of that matters.  What I realized was that usually what robs my joy has nothing to do with material possessions or even comforts, it has to do with other people not meeting my expectations.  That’s a problem.

Am I alone in this? Something tells me I’m not. I’ve talked to enough women to know that we frequently are frustrated by friends or family or spouses who we feel are not holding up their end of the deal, whatever the deal is. To make matters worse, we’re usually the only ones who know what the deal is. Which, yes, is tremendously unfair.

So I’m not a professional counselor. But here’s how I worked, and do work, through times when I realize I’m discontent because of my perception that someone else has failed to follow through.

1. Identify expectations. What were they, and how were they upset.  BE HONEST. Often our expectations are subconscious, so we don’t even realize we have them.  I’m guilty of fantasizing expectations.  For example, for an embarrassing example:  My expectation was that Jeff would arrive at the campground at 8pm (kids and I arrived earlier).  That gave him a 30-minute cushion, allowing for traffic, last minute stop at home, etc. He arrived at almost 11pm.  Now yes, that’s 3 hours different, but what exacerbated the situation was that I realized that I’d unwittingly allowed myself to fantasize about Jeff secretly getting off work early and surprising me by showing up early  that afternoon (happy and energetic of course!), swinging me in his arms and saying, “Hey babe, let me take the kids for a while so you can go have some time for yourself!”

Very foolish fantasy.  We’ll get to that later. But it’s helpful to understand: What is your expectation, and how exactly was it disappointed.  If we don’t know what we expected, we can’t deal with the problem.

2. Identify Idealism. Idealistic fantasies are rarely—actually, never—helpful.  One of the most important lessons I continue to learn is to forget the ideal and embrace the real.  We don’t have ideal kids, we have real kids. We have real spouses, real friends, real houses, real lives. Oh, and don’t forget, you are, and I am a real person. That means I don’t look like an airbrushed model and my house doesn’t look like a Pottery Barn ad.  Neither do you and neither does yours. It’s ok.  I am a real mom and we have a real house that we live in.  So it looks lived in. My husband is wonderful, but he is also real.  So that fantasy I had? Not real.  Forget the fantasies. All the time we spend dreaming about how wonderful an ideal would be we’re missing out on living in the real and wonderfully blemished world around us.  Turn off the fantasy and get busy living.

3. Wait to communicate. 11pm was not the time to tell Jeff that he had not fulfilled my fantasy.  He was very, very tired. I was very, very tired.  Sleep first, talk later.  We had a great chance to talk a few days later, in a long car ride while both kids were occupied.  We were on the same team, communicating in a positive way so that we could better learn how to love and bless each other in the future. It was truly a great interaction.  If I’d have brought it up at 11pm upon his arrival, it would not have been a great talk. Wait to communicate.

On the note of communication, it is important to deal with an issue that is chronic.  A negative habit that is continually harming the family needs to be dealt with.  Seek a counselor, get help, set goals.  And, always be sure to ask your friend or spouse whether the expectation you had was a reasonable one.  They can inform you whether or not your expectation is fair or whether too much is being asked.

4. Do what you can. We all know this, but the only person you can change is yourself.  After identifying your expectations, getting rid of unhealthy idealism, and communicating wisely and calming in an appropriate manner, figure out what you can do.  For me, it was just choosing to get over my silly disappointment and move on and have a wonderful family vacation.  Take action rather than sitting around waiting for someone else to come along and make you happy. Go back to our first little lesson and take steps to learn contentment, look to God for your strength to be content, and keep reminding yourself that contentment is the greatest gain you’ll have.  My contentment is a much greater gain that having Jeff arrive right on time. I’m rich beyond measure if I can learn to be happy no matter what time someone arrives. A content heart means no matter who disappoints me, my joy is settled and firm.  It’s all good.

So tomorrow morning we pack up our tent and roll up our sleeping bags.  The kids’ finger nails are black.  I’m pretty sure I’ve gained 5 lbs. thanks to s’mores and Nutella.  I’ll be doing laundry for almost as many days as we spent camping.  But it’s been the best family vacation this little Patterson clan has ever had.  And this time away, camping on contentment, has given my heart a lot to chew on.  My goal is to continue in this sweet spot of joy, even back in the busy world of work, ministry, cell phones and wi-fi.  I think that’s what Paul would say to do—in abundance or in want, in busyness or in rest, in my campsite or my culdesac—I’ll continue on this journey, to learn to be content.   Will you join me?

I had a re-epiphany today.  You know, one of those moments you learn something again for the first time.  We’re continuing our series of Camping on Contentment, and today my lessons had skin and walked around in front of me.

As I mentioned Paul wrote, from prison, awaiting a possible death sentence, to the church at Philippi:

“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:11-13).

We’re on day 3 of this week-long camping trip at beautiful Foster Reservoir outside Sweet Home, Oregon.  The landscape is breath-taking, the weather is perfect, and not a wireless signal to be found. It’s heaven.  So, my post included the truth, perhaps obvious, that we are often most content when we are without our everyday luxuries and conveniences.  But really, as Paul says, true contentment has nothing to do with having or not having, with going all out or going without. It isn’t about the amount you have, it’s about where that amount resides.  It is not within, it’s without.

So I saw this played out in two people yesterday, both of whom I respect greatly.  One has lived in multi-million dollar, gorgeous homes, has amazing taste, and makes Martha Stewart look like a failing Home Ec. student. She’s truly remarkable. Her quilts and pies and artistic touches always have me in awe. Her homes have been teeming with beautiful art, décor, rare antiques.  But because of life’s unpredictable circumstances, she’s now had to down-size considerably.  Give away loads and loads and loads of her beautiful things.  Suffice it to say she’s given up a LOT.

Here’s what amazes me.  She is absolutely happy.  I’m watching her hand over thing after thing after thing and she doesn’t bat an eyelash.  Her actions echo Paul’s words: in whatever situation I am content. The bottom line is this: regardless of what beautiful things someone has, the important thing is where they reside.  If they are internal, that is in the center of one’s heart, where they become what it takes to create happiness, we are doomed to despair and discontent.  But no matter how much one has, if it is external, there can be the joy of living with or without luxury.  It’s fun to have, but not tragic when it’s gone.

On a similar note, we spent some blessed time with our missionary friends from Africa.  Here’s a candid confession—sometimes I dread spending time with missionaries just back from a foreign country because I’m afraid they’re going to look with a critical eye on every luxury I have. What if they see my SUV and shake their heads in disapproval?  Will I be able to indulge in our beloved s’mores tradition if they’re staring at me  and thinking of starving children?  I’m sure this is all in my head, but I get nervous nonetheless.

Here was the refreshing reality.  They have learned the Paul secret as well.  “I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger.” They know how to live in both worlds. In Africa, they live like the people.  They live on their level, eat their food, travel with them.  And yet, it was so fun to see this woman’s unashamed joy as she recounted coming back home and just standing and staring around her house, amazed all over again at how beautiful it is.  Not ashamed of it, just purely thankful for it.  Embracing it. Enjoying it.  And, she was thoroughly enjoying the camping festivities—the BBQ, the boat rides, the lounging by the campfire.  There was not a hint of disapproval in her.  Bottom line? She knows how to live in plenty and in want.  She can enjoy the things that we are blessed with here in the United States, and she can live as happy as a clam without them in Africa.  Why? Because things, comforts, are external to her.  They are not what create her happiness.

That, is the key. In these two women’s lives I saw the example of those who are comfortable in two worlds.  They understand that God does give us wonderful things to enjoy. Perfect example: Tonight I had one of the sweetest moments of my life: A glorious evening boat ride, in the warm gentle breeze, watching my husband wakeboard while holding both my precious children on my lap. Kissing their cheeks, all smushed up by the lifejackets, breathing the perfect scent of their hair, listening to their squeals of laughter as they watched Jeff splash and jump and crash in the cool water.  I told my dad, “This boat is a gift.  It has given us years and years of our most precious family memories.” My very earliest childhood memory, at just two years old, is of boating.  My entire life is sprinkled with amazing boating memories.  I never dreamed I’d one day get to enjoy these precious times with my own children.  And here we are.  That silly hunk of fiberglass and metal (or whatever boats are made of!), has been the source of countless joyful occasions.  A true gift to enjoy.

So we are free to enjoy the luxurious gifts, when they are given.  I love the beauty of my home.  I am still in awe of little things like the creamy color of the molding, the beautiful bronzed fixtures, the window above my sink. And yet, last summer was just as wonderful, living in that smelly little apartment that baked like an oven in the sun.  I gave the kids rides around the living room in a laundry basket and Dutch spent the afternoons playing in a kiddie pool filled with dirty gravel on the balcony.  With or without, right?

So enjoy!  Be free to enjoy what you have, without thinking about what you don’t have.  Use it, love it, enjoy it, share it, and thank God for it. With or without, we’re thankful and happy.  I’m enjoying this camping on contentment thing.  Campfire’s out, it’s time for sleep. See you in the morning.

*Yes, I’m back from camping. Here are my musings.

I write these words sitting in a lawn chair. It’s torn on one side, but still holds me up.  My feet are bare, my toes digging into the dirt around our campfire.  At my side my son plays with his old toy excavator in the pebbles. My daughter is asleep.  I haven’t showered, but I’ve had a cup of instant coffee and half a bowl of Special K (which was free, of course, thanks to coupons!).  It would have been a whole bowl but my daughter hijacked it and finished it herself.  Oh well.  We’re camping.  Somehow things that seem like such a big deal at home—a hot shower and breakfast—don’t matter at all when we’re surrounded by dirt and grass and glorious oak trees, by a lake and an Osprey nest and dozens of other unshowered people who, like me, are wearing the same clothes they wore yesterday. Sitting in this lawn chair, in the dappled shade and lightly blowing breeze, is just about perfection.

Isn’t it interesting that we find ourselves the most content during the times we go without our everyday conveniences?

Mission trips are the best example of this.  My first mission trip was to Recife, Brasil.  My friend and I rotated three pairs of shorts the whole 2 ½ weeks we were there. We slept on a concrete floor, worked from 5am-10pm each day, ate really runny yogurt for breakfast each day, and walked everywhere we went.  We also had to be very careful not to electrocute ourselves in the shower.  It was one of the happiest times of my life.

Right now, we’re camping for a week.  And today some dear friends joined us, long-term missionaries to Africa, who just returned from a 9-month stay there.  Unlike my short-term mission experience, these guys do the real thing. They live there. They own property there. They live like the African. And they are two of the happiest people I know.  The husband’s name is Paul.  Another Paul, the Apostle, the original church-planting missionary, knew about contentment as well.  He wrote to the church at Philippi:

“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:11-13).

Later, as he writes to his young protégé Timothy, he writes,

“Now godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we can not take anything out of the world.  But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content” (1 Tim. 6:6-8).

It seems that Paul knew the secret of contentment came not, of course, from having the latest iphone. As we scratch the surface of contentment, here’s what I find from these passages:

1. Contentment is learned.  Just like almost everything else in life, we simply have to train ourselves to learn the skill of contentment.  I remember the first time I visited FrugalLivingNW—I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry. What was an SS or RP insert and why on earth were they always talking about cats that rolled? I just wanted coupons, not new feline friends that could do tricks!  I was so confused.

But of course, I learned.  It’s taken time but now I can figure out the codes, cash in on the deals, and even roll that cat(alina) to the next transaction. Any time we learn a new skill we make the decision to invest the time to make that desired goal a reality.

In the same way, we learn contentment when we make little choices, each and every day, to be content no matter what our circumstances.  And all those little choices will one day surprise us, when we discover we’ve grown into a person who is content. We have all the natural talent it takes to excel in this skill. It just takes a little practice and an understanding of a little secret.

2. The secret is God’s strength.  I believe that it’s impossible to talk about growing in contentment without revealing that the secret is found in Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:13 has been misused in a million different ways.  The context of the verse is contentment, not state championships.  Through God’s strength, we can find the power to be content in whatever circumstances.  This means that our contentment can be fixed and firm, because it is God’s desire that we are content.  We can be confident in our request to Him for strength to be content.

What does this look like? It’s sad to say, but 9 times out of 10 my prayers are asking God to fix my situation so that it lines up with what I want it to be. In other words, change my circumstances so I can be happy. Instead, let’s pray for God to change our hearts so that we can be content in our circumstances, whatever they are.  Yes, we still wrestle in prayer over those things with which we are struggling. But, just as Christ did in his final prayers in the garden of Gethsemene, we submit our will to God’s and pray thy will be done.  God gives us the strength to make our hearts content.

3. Contentment is the greatest gain.  We are bombarded, every day, with messages that feed our sense of discontent.  Advertisers want us to believe that if we buy their product we will gain happiness, status, success.

Don’t buy it.  Buying a bunch of stuff is not truly a gain.  More often than not, the things we own own us.  We are wise to remember that each purchase we make, even if it’s a money-maker, carries with it an obligation.  We must then wash it or eat it or cook it or give it or house it or insure it or take care of it.  Sometimes, less is more.  Going without can be the greatest gain.

So I’m excited to hang out with my Africa missionary friends tonight.  I’m hoping some of their contentment-with-little can rub off on me.  At least I’ll be reminded that it is possible to live for 9 months without Winco or Starbucks.  For now I’m thankful for the dirt in my toes and a week of living with a little less than normal.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a toy excavator with my name on it and a three-year-old ready to dig.

I type this in a darkened hotel room. Heidi’s portable crib is tucked around the corner, halfway in the bathroom, so she can sleep while the rest of us are awake. On the other bed, Jeff and Dutch have been hard at work putting together a new Lego set, a sea-plane. Dutch is now narrating a detailed account in a hushed voice: “‘The plane needs to land on the runway,’ said the driver,’ but the runway is cracked, so I have to find another way…'”  It’s pretty intense.

We’re on day six of a week-long vacation.  We’ve been camping since last Tuesday, then today we drove to Newport for a quick 2-day beach trip including a much-anticipated visit to the Oregon Coast Aquarium.  For the ocean-animal obsessed boy that Dutch is, this is the trip of a lifetime.  Seeing a real octopus and shark is like flying to the moon.

This has been the best vacation our little family has ever had.  I’ve seen this “loved alone” phenomenon playing out left and right. We almost always made our plans each day so that each kid could get a special experience with one of us (or with a grandparent).  As a result, we had some of the sweetest experiences ever, and saw our kids deliriously happy. I’m double-convinced now that making a real effort for this one-on-one times is critical.

So how does this relate to prayer?

I recently received this comment from a reader:

If God has a perfect plan, and everything happens for a reason than I can’t see how prayer would do anything at all.

If you are praying you’re either:

1. Asking God to do what he was already going to do.
2. Asking him to go against his perfect plan.

I’m sure we’ve all had this dilemma at one time or another.  I know I have.

I surely do not claim to fully understand the supernatural dynamic of prayer.  But I believe this reader expresses the most common misconception about prayer.  Which is, that the primary purpose of prayer is to make things happen.

Now, I do believe that God responds to prayer, and that therefore things do happen, but not in the way that is represented above.  My best understanding of prayer actually comes from the little 40-pound blond-haired monkey who’s lying on the bed next to me, watching a Planet Earth documentary (to prep his little brain for tomorrow and to keep him quiet so sister can sleep :).  It is through loving him alone that I understand prayer.

We pray because we are loved alone.

It’s all about relationship.  Today in the car, Dutch was talking (nothing new there). Now he’s been such an amazingly good boy on this trip. And, by day six, he’s also a very tired little boy. No naps and going to bed at 10pm in a tent each night, he’s one tired little guy.  As we were driving, he began talking about how he was so excited to play “little Legos” (not duplos, the real ones) with daddy while sister was asleep (he only gets to use the little ones when sister’s asleep since they’re a choking hazard).  Well, of course we’re not at home and we have no Legos with us and we’re on the way to a hotel where there will be no such thing happening.  But, we’d been super frugal and I had $10 of fun spending money in my wallet. So, I ran into Fred Meyer and got a bag of microwave popcorn and a new little Lego sea-plane and we were set for an entire evening of hotel-room fun.  With Heidi sound asleep, they constructed that sea-plane, and here we are at the beginning of the post.

But back to Dutch talking in the backseat. There is nothing so sweet on earth as the sound of my children’s voices.  Just hearing them babble is the purest pleasure. On the drive today we took a video of them singing together.  Ah! Precious!  I could just listen to that sound forever.  Of course I don’t like hearing them complain, but hearing their soft sweet sing-song voices express their ideas, wishes, dreams, fears, songs, thoughts–there is nothing I love more. I don’t just love them in some generic sort of love.  I don’t love hearing other kids’ voices.  I love my kids voices because I love who they are.  Unique, individual miracles of God’s creation.  I love them alone, so I love hearing from them alone.

We talk to God (pray) because we love God.  God speaks to us because He loves us.  We don’t talk to God to tell Him something He doesn’t know.  I will sit and listen to Dutch’s stories (which can be lengthy!), because they express the wonder of who he is, and by communing together we are being bonded.

We talk to God because that is how we engage in relationship with Him.  And, we would miss out tremendously if we did not.  This vacation again is a perfect example. There are too many instances to detail, but I prayed some very specific things about this trip–some things that might even seem silly (for a good campsite where we could be next to our family and friends), or selfish (beautiful weather). Of course I didn’t demand those things, but like Dutch sitting in the backseat, I simply wanted to tell my heavenly daddy what the dreams of my heart were. And over and over and over God answered little prayers left and right on this vacation.  He gave my family and me a million little kisses to shower us with a reminder that He cares about the details of our lives and loves to be part of it all.

Does that make Him a genie? Certainly not. There are, of course, huge things in the life of my family that I wish I could change. I wish certain people lived closer, I wish certain people didn’t have illnesses, I wish certain people had babies like they so desire.  And yes, I have prayed all these things to God, and have sensed and know that He is at work in some greater purpose through it all.

So where does that leave me? I will continue to pray about those big things, reassured in my daily life of God’s one-and-only love for me and my family.  I might add that Dutch also expressed in the car that he was excited to see a blue whale at the aquarium tomorrow.  Now that, obviously, is not going to happen, no matter how much I love Dutch. There are physical limitations in this fallen world, and there are therefore no fish tanks that hold whales the size of mack trucks.  Similarly, no matter how much God might love to answer every whim and wish of ours, we live in a fallen world bound by the corruption that sin has brought.  And because of that we have brokenness, disease, loss.  Though He doesn’t right every wrong this very moment, He entered into our suffering on the cross, has already conquered the grave, and has promised to make all things new, wiping every tear from our eyes so that we will remember sorrow no more.

I cannot show Dutch a blue whale tomorrow, but today I will buy him a Lego set, and I will spend my life loving him alone and teaching him about Jesus, so that one day in heaven, Dutch will experience more joyful amazement than any blue whale could ever bring. I will do the little things to win his heart, and convince him of my love for him, so that he will be able to rest in my love and trust me, even when I must allow him to go through hard times.  I win his heart so he will trust me even when it hurts.  God does the same for us.

So, it is not about us changing God’s will. It is about telling God every hope and dream, and listening as God tells us His.  There is nothing so sweet at communicating with one’s own child.  If only we could know, truly know, the Father’s extravagant love for us, I think we’d find ourselves talking and listening to Him all day.  We’d forget about right and wrong ways of praying, and we’d just fall in love with our Heavenly Dad.