To Be Loved Alone: Like Jesus
I’m still chewing on this topic of being loved alone. In the previous post, we talked about how life-changing it would be for our children if they actually had time alone with us, to know they had our full love and attention for a time.
But this longing certainly isn’t only in children. Don’t we all long for this? Auden’s words still ring true:
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.
But is it what we cannot have? Sometimes it feels that way, even for those of us who walk with God.
We know God loves us. Jesus love me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. But how does He loves us? All in a big bunch with everyone else? Eyes darting this way and that, trying to keep us all straight? Sometimes even the words of John 3:16, though sacred and powerful, can seem so big, so general: “For God so loved the world….”
But what about me? I know He loves the world. But, being bundled up in the almost 7 billion people on the planet somehow makes me feel kinda ordinary.
But the truth is that that which we crave, which Auden says we cannot have, can be ours in Jesus Christ.
My friend Joy was the one who pointed this out to me. She wrote a post about it last year. In short: Jesus tells his disciples this, in John 15:9. “ As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.”
Jesus loves us with the same love that God the Father has for Jesus. What kind of love is that? A one and only love. Jesus loves each of us with a one-and-only love. In other words? He loves us alone.
That is why to walk with Jesus is the greatest and most romantic and blessed adventure on earth. I have experienced God providing for me in the most intimate of ways, in miraculous ways. He’s provided silly things like a bathing suit when I was broke. He provided the car I’d secretly thought would be perfect for our family–and it didn’t cost us a dime. God has provided in ways that show He knows every secret part of my heart, and He cares. He has provided for me emotionally, relationally, for the years when I felt worthless and heartbroken, when I felt ugly and rejected. God has shown me, over and over and over that He loves me with a one-and-only love.
That is why I blog. That is why I teach and preach and shout from the rooftops: Get to know this God of the Bible! This God of the universe wants to love you, and love you alone. He wants to shower you with a one-and-only love. Let Him. Please, let Him.
In Christ alone, we are loved alone. It makes all the difference in the world.
To be Loved Alone: Parenting
Tonight has been a rare treasure. A beautiful evening that has given me a glimpse into parenting that will change the way I mother from now on. Tonight, my daughter Heidi (17 months) and I had a whole evening, just the two of us. My husband Jeff and my son Dutch (3) took part in a church service project, cleaning up a high school in an area of great poverty. Dutch marched out the door all seriousness and determination, shod with his rubber work boots and carrying a toy shovel. He also knew this whole thing included pizza at the end, so he was all in.
Now to be frank, I wasn’t super excited about a long evening at home with my daughter. She had been horribly whiny and fussy all day. Any tiny bump from brother sent her into hysterics. She’d drop a toy and melt into tears. When I set her down so I could wash dishes, she quit breathing and passed out (more on that here). So, hmm… a whole night with this little angel? Maybe we could have an early bedtime.
Boy was I wrong. She was a delight. I have never seen her so happy. We blared music and danced around the living room. She laughed these perfect peels of giggly laughter as she stood by me and bobbed up and down to the music. We sat on the floor and ate cold, juicy grapes, water and juice dripping down our chins. We did blow-bellies and took a long bath with bubbles. At one point she actually crawled up and just laid her head on my chest and cooed. Who was this little angel?
Perhaps the angel is the girl who just wants to be loved alone.
I experienced something similar with my son Dutch a few weeks back. Jeff was to accompany a group of 30 middle-schoolers on a youth group trip to Wild Waves, the giant water and theme park up in Washington. We decided that Dutch and I would join him, and Heidi would have her first slumber party, all by herself, with my parents.
The whole day was amazing. It was sheer joy for me to have an entire day with no other responsibilities than to pal around with my little man. We splashed, slid, shrieked and soaked. We swam in the big pool; Dutch jumped into my arms in the deep end. He conquered his fears and rode the train, the cars, the boats (twice!), then even mustered up the courage for the teacups (his eyes were as big as teacups!), and even insisted we ride the roller coaster that goes straight through the water (after getting soaked by something akin to a fire-hose, his eyes were huge and he asked, shivering, “Mommy, what was that?” I responded, “That was a roller-coaster, babe.” “Mommy, why did we do that?”). He overcame a bunch of fears, held his own with the big kids, and was an obedient, kind, and well-mannered little boy the whole time. Even at the 6pm, after being up and at ’em for 11 hours straight, instead of whining he just laid down on the grass, pulled a towel over his head, and tried to go to sleep. 🙂 For those of you who have followed my *ahem* challenges with this boy, you know this is a big deal!
These two experiences have me thinking. Could it be that our children just desperately want to be loved alone? To be given time, attention, and love individually. To get mommy all to themselves every once in a while? Undivided attention. Is that all it takes?
Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote this in her book Gift From the Sea:
“If only we could have each of our children alone, not just for part of each day, but for part of each month, each year. Would they not be happier, stronger, and in the end more independent because they’re more secure? Does each child not secretly long for the pure relationship he once had with his mother…when the nursery doors were shut and she was feeding him at her breast–alone?”
I’ve heard before to spend time with each of your children, but have never understood before now just how profound that impact can be. I still remember being 6-years-old and going on a daddy-daughter date with my dad to see Aristocats. I felt like the princess of the whole world. I still remember him taking me to a minor league baseball game (and that was after I’d graduated college!). It was on that daddy-daughter date that I asked him what he thought of this guy I’d met … whose name was Jeff Patterson.
Those times are profound when children are young. Those times are profound even when they are grown. Because, is this not what we all, deep down, really crave?
The poet WH Auden wrote these lines:
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.
Don’t we all long for that? Our worlds are so big. Technology allows so many people into our sphere. What if we narrowed that sphere down, just for a time, to include only one: a child. If we regularly set aside time for one child–to shower them with the love and attention they are longing for. What would be the result?
I for one am convinced. The time may not be long, but it will be theirs. I hope and pray my children grow up and know what it’s like to be loved alone.
3-years-old: How Blogging Betters Me
Today marks three years of investing time into this peculiar little sphere of space I call my blog. I remember so vividly, one afternoon in July of 2007 when Jeff suggested starting a blog, so that I’d have the motivation to keep up the discipline of writing. I was skeptical, to say the least.
“A blog?” I’m sure I said it like a dirty word. I hardly even knew what one was (I know, I’m slow in the technology world). “You mean, like a website? I’d never write on a website. I want to write real things, things that matter, like Bible studies and devotional thoughts, and stories of what God does in our lives.” You can see where this is going. He insisted, and even though I protested that I’d never be able to figure out this process of “posting”, he created the whole thing, walked me through how to click the “publish” button, and voila! this funny little space was birthed. I had no idea what to do.
Of course I soon realized that this little blog would save my life. That was a very hard season of life, in seminary full-time, living with my parents, experiencing a time of spiritual pruning by the Lord that was like nothing I’d ever experienced. I felt as though my entire identity was being ripped from me. And, it was. My false identity. I was, in so many ways, Swallowed Up. Everything I held onto up to that point was stripped way during that 14-month season. It felt so hard, but, what was so amazing, was that God used this little outlet, this blog, to pour out my heart, to process my thoughts, to vent, to share, to reflect. I’m really not trying to be dramatic, but I really feel like this blog saved me during that time. Though it felt like He was taking everything away, He gave me this gift in return.
That is why I hold this blog so dear. Yes, it is just a little sphere of space. A gazillion people have them, so I know I’m not unique. But it is God’s gift and He knew it would help me grow. So I just wanted to thank God today and reflect on how blogging has betters me. Perhaps you can relate.
- It helps me process. The way that I process things is by writing them down. Some people talk things through, some people draw or just sit quietly. Some people run or work or take on some task to think. I have to write. In fact, 9 times out of 10 I don’t know what I think about something (or what on earth the post will be about), until I start writing it all out. It’s therapeutic.
- It helps me take thoughts captive. I actually prefer blogging to journalling. Why? Because journaling I can get a bit too raw. It’s appropriate at times, and I do prayer journal to God, because He can take it all. But venting is rarely helpful, and though at times I may get on a rant here, the public nature of it reminds me to word things in a way (hopefully) that is helpful rather than negative or cynical. Left to my own attitude, it could get ugly. And, when I make the effort to write things in a positive light, I’m always amazed at how my inner thoughts and perspective quickly follow.
- It holds me responsible spiritually. I’ve always joked that the real reason I love always leading or teaching Bible study in some capacity is that it holds me spiritually responsible. For 5 years through college and then after, I taught a small group Bible study to girls at OSU. I simply shared with them, each week, whatever the Lord had been teaching me that week, and turned it into a Bible study. That was accountability! I had to stay current with God, listen, study, process, plan. This blog is like that, in a different way. Perhaps I’m making too much of this, but I take seriously that there are precious people out there who actually read these words. I want something to share! I want God to work in me in such a way that hopefully others can benefit too. So, this blog is constant reminder: What’s God doing in your life?
- It forces me to articulate. For those of us who minister and teach, being able to articulate the lessons in our lives is vitally important. How can we share what God’s doing if we can’t sum it up in an interesting way? I so want to grow in this. I still err on the side of wordiness :), so learning to be succinct and articulate is something I’m praying and striving for. The blog helps.
- It’s introduced me to you. I cannot even begin to express how amazing it has been to meet some of the remarkable people out there, who I’ve had the privilege of meeting through this little avenue. So many people, in the throws of unbelievable challenges, struggles, trials. Women and men alike who are walking this walk of faith, who inspire me and encourage me with notes and comments. Who call me on the carpet when I’m wrong. Who cheer when God’s victorious in a situation. Together I believe we form a cloud of witnesses, cheering each other, praising God, and hopefully showing a world a tiny glimpse of the glory of God.
So I know it is only a tiny spot of space that is this blog. But I believe that even what is small can matter, when it is authentic. My prayer is, therefore, As AW Tozer wrote,
“If my fire is not large it is yet real, and there may be those who can light their candle at its flame.”
Prayer, Fasting, and Sprinkler Systems
Is there anything more exhilarating than those sacred moments when you realize that the God of the universe has just shown up in your life? No matter how mundane the subject matter–when God inserts Himself you’ve got a miracle on your hands. I experienced this today.
First things first: Prayer. I am a relatively new participant, really, in the world of prayer. I’ve always talked to God, but have never really thrived in the world of intercessory prayer. When people talk about praying all night long, I avoid eye contact. If I prayed all night it would have to be in my sleep. Long periods of prayer for me are usually punctuated by an embarrassing amount of mind-wandering. But, I’m growing! As many of you know, we began a women’s prayer meeting every Monday morning at 6am. This has challenged me and helped me so much. It’s like a weekly reset button that reminds me of the power of getting alone with God in prayer. The other women challenge and encourage me, and there’s so much joy in knowing that the current events of the church, and of our lives, have been lifted up to the God of heaven and earth.
If I felt weak in prayer, I felt hopelessly weak in fasting. For years the word “fasting” felt dreaded to me. I used to fast consistently, but for several years–ever since I got pregnant with Dutch and began this 4-year period of being either pregnant or breastfeeding nonstop–I could not do it for the life of me, and every time I tried it was anything but spiritual. Instead it was me, grumpy and more fleshly than ever, frustrated by the process and counting down the hours until it was done. Nothing seemed accomplished. Finally, I gave up, and told God that I was waiting until He gave me a clear green light. Until then, I was tired of failing.
So, just recently, in a clear-as-day moment during the middle of someone else’s crisis, He gave me the green light. I can explain it in no other way than that I knew with 100% clarity what He was asking me to do. And I kid you not–it was 180 degrees different from before. Joy, purpose, strength (yes, still tired, but in a different sort of way) characterized the time. And when I was done, I knew I was done. So much peace. Though I suppose I was technically fasting “for” someone else, I knew deep down this was God graciously giving me another chance to engage in a precious spiritual discipline that would allow me to experience more of Him. He was blessing me.
Because of that experience, Jeff and I decided to fast and pray together, regularly. Please hear me in this–I share this not to toot our horn but to show you that God is so gracious in our weakness! He wants to show up in our lives and He makes it so easy for us! And personal fasting is supposed to be done in secret (as with prayer), so we are wise to be discreet about it. However, I have learned so much by others who share about their experience with spiritual disciplines. Hence, I’m sharing this.
So, we did this recently, and I happened to have a meeting that morning that was extremely challenging, in a good way. It challenged some of my assumptions about how ministry is done, and therefore gave me some good fodder for prayer that day, as I contemplated what I’d heard. The gist of it was how to get more creative in frugality and financial giving, so that more and more true ministry can take place.
So, the day goes on and Jeff and I have our scheduled prayer time over the phone. I’m praying about lofty things, and to my surprise all of a sudden Jeff starts praying for our sprinkler system (which we were to install this next weekend). Um, ok. Yeah, I guess God even cares about helping us install our sprinkler system. That’s cool.
Later that night, fasting is done, we treat the kids to ice cream and go to Lowe’s to buy all the materials for installing the sprinkler system. Of course nothing’s as it’s supposed to be–they’re missing a bunch of pieces, Heidi cracks her head on the concrete floor, you know the routine–house projects never look quite like the pictures you see on the ad. They should show DIY-manuals with pictures of people crying or punching holes in walls. Anyway…
We buy all the materials–$168–and get in the car. I quickly do all the addition in my head–renting the trencher, buying the materials, the hours of labor. It reached at least $350 and several summer weekends. I get the kids some ice water–they’re hot and tired; it’s past their bedtime. We pull away and for some reason I begin to think of Africa (one of the things we’d been praying for all day).
“What a funny culture we live in. We’re spending almost $400 and hours and hours of labor so that we don’t have to walk outside and turn on a hose-sprinkler. Does that strike you as odd?” Jeff looked at me like I’d just said the most profound thing in the world.
He frowned slightly, in thought. “I guess we don’t have to have a sprinkler system.” I thought about this. We’d figured we had to, since our neighborhood is pretty nice and all the other homes do. It’s an investment, of course, because you supposedly get your money back when you sell. Then I thought of John Piper’s statement about his house, when he was criticized for buying in a poor neighborhood: “I didn’t buy my house as an investment,” he said, “I bought it to live in.” His investment, I suppose, is in heaven. Yes, I’m all for wise investments, but how much better to forget about my personal investment, and instead invest that money in something far greater.
Then, of course, my morning’s meeting came back front and center in my mind. That was it. If we all made little choices, like skipping ridiculous things like sprinkler systems, we could fund God’s kingdom work no problem! I shared this with Jeff and the decision was done. Jeff and I were jumping out of our seats with excitement. We’d heard from God! We’d fasted and prayed and Jeff had specifically prayed about our sprinkler system, even though it seemed odd at the time, and God had a plan that wove it all together–in a way that would leave no doubt that He, the King of Kings, was leading our lives. How exciting is that! And, we now had a chunk of change, to give to that special cause, that we hadn’t had before. Woohoo!
We came home giddy. All of a sudden we realized that our project would now be easy–could probably be finished in a weekend. Topsoil and grass–that’s all we needed. Which also meant we could spend the rest of our summer playing, rather than toting our kids back and forth to Home Depot. As we pulled onto our street we actually rolled down the windows and starting shouting praises out the window. Even Heidi joined in. I’m sure the neighbors thought we were crazy, but we have reason to celebrate. God actually cares about our lives–every mundane detail. Prayer, fasting, and sprinkler systems: that’s exhilarating to me.
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*Of course my point is not that sprinkler systems are evil :), but rather how getting with God transforms our thinking, helping us to be spiritually minded rather than mindlessly going with the flow of the world. In what ways has God challenged you to do things different? I’d love to hear.