Sacred Mundane: The Blog

More dabbling in multiple books–I really think I’ve caught the Jeff bug.  In fact, it was he who handed me John Piper’s Suffering and the Sovereignty of God.  Why?  It went something like this:  Kari crying, again.  Weeping is more like it.  “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t live here. I’m going crazy. It’s not like I have a bad day every once in a while. Every day is a bad day.  I’m depressed; I can hardly get myself out of bed because I hate how every day is.  I can’t keep doing this, but I know I can’t say that because I can’t tell God what to do and I’m supposed to be content, and every day I pray and plead with God to help me have joy and be content and not be so bitter and resentful and awful, and I’m supposed to be preparing to speak at this women’s retreat and I have nothing to say because if I say anything worth saying it will be totally fake.  I can’t encourage anyone when I can’t even trust God myself…” This then drowned into more sobbing.  Jeff, who listens WAY better than Peter Parker does in Spiderman 3 (and I told him that), listened quietly, stroked my cheek as I cried, and suggested that since I had nothing to pour out for the retreat ladies, I might has well just take more time to “fill up the well” so to speak, by reading something that would nourish my soul.  He pulled down Suffering and the Sovereignty of God and opened it to chapter seven.

So I read one thing that at least gave me an “exercise”, something to do, which always helps. (You have to understand I need baby steps here. I’m sure you’ve surmised by now that I am not doing well.  We need baby steps at this point.)  The sentence was “Profound good often emerges in a crucible of significant suffering” and then the point was made that perhaps the most trying circumstances are simply those that last a long time.  A quick and painful blow can often be endured, while the gnawing ache of disappointment wears us down to the core.  So the question asked was this: “What has marked you for good [during this season of suffering]?”  Hmm.  What has marked me for good?  A pretty simple exercise. Let’s see.

1. I’ve written more in the past 13+ months than ever before.  2. Maybe in the end our marriage will be stronger since this year has been so hard.  3.  We haven’t spent money on clothes or house stuff.  4. We’ve gotten a lot of school done. Um….

You know what though? The truth is that I just can’t see it yet.  I’m still too far in the midst of the circumstance to even see it right.  The fact is right now as I sit there trying to think, I can think of ten bad things for every good thing.  It’s been SO hard on our marriage.  We have less money and more debt than ever before.  I feel discouraged and depressed almost all the time, like it takes a supernatural measure of courage to do everday things.  We have no close friends nearby.  We’ve invested a year in a place where it now seems likely we won’t be long term.  We have nowhere to live. We have no job.  There are a million three-generation-household-living dynamics that are driving me insane (and I know we drive my parents crazy!).  And the worst is that this was my choice, and I should be thankful, I know that, but I’m not. I’m miserable, and every time I think of one thing to be thankful for, there are five things that bombard my mind that are depressing.

So, sorry to get so real and raw with you, but what this has taught me is that I don’t think I’m going to see this one very clearly until later. Time will have to tell what those “good things” are.  I just received in the mail my first (self-published) book of The Road to Santa Clara, complete with the cool cover Jeff designed. Now, it’s easy to see all the awesome lessons we learned there. But at the time, I was absolutely miserable and couldn’t see the forest for the trees.  So I guess I’m there again.  I refuse to be fake here. I refuse to tell you that I’m encouraged and seeing God’s awesome purposes and rejoicing in the midst of my frustrations.  Yup, not really there yet.  But I’ll at least be honest and vulnerable with you.  And one thing I know, I know that will be a time when it will be clear. It’ll make sense.  I’ll begin to see the good that arose from this. And you know what? I can honestly say, that even if that time never comes, I’m ok with that.  Because God is God.  Though my flesh may be destroyed (or my heart), with my eyes I will see God.  Though he slay me yet will I trust Him.  I will weep and and pour out my heart to Him because He’s said that we can. I will continue to plead with Him for grace.  I’ll feel and experience the emotions.  But time will have to tell what God makes of all this. ANd that’s ok, because He’s God. I don’t have to understand. It’s ok.  And surprising to even myself right now…I’m ok too.

For those of you just joining our LiveDifferent Challenges, click the LiveDifferent link under featured to see what we’ve done so far.  Basically, we’re just brainstorming on fun ways to live counter-culture, focusing on creative ways go against the grain of materialism, consumerism, and selfish waste.  I always love hearing your ideas, so send ’em in!

Apparently the library bug is in full force, because I was reading Caila’s blog and she had just posted “Library Lover“, then spoke with another friend who said she was loving her local library this summer. So, perhaps ya’ll are already there, but–surprise–this challenge is to patronize, that is, become a patron, of your local library.

Tonight right before dinner Jeff and I took Dutch in to the library.  The fabulous kid’s park is in the same block, so it makes for a fun destination.  As we walked into the library (which is actually very impressive for such a small town), I took a deep breath of the familiar, intoxicating musty smell of books–Ahh!!  I love that smell.  Now that Dutch is such a book fan, trips to the library are even more fun, as he loves to sift through the big picture books, or even pull the “big kid” novels off the shelves and pretend to read.

Besides the traditional use of the library–going and spending lots of time searching and sifting through titles (which is still a sacred experience if you ask me), there is another way that I’m loving now that I’m a busy mom–online requests.  I can go online, search by title or author or subject, and put up to ten titles on hold, from anywhere in our county.  Then I can just walk in, give them my card, get my huge stack of books, and be out in 2 minutes.  This is amazing!  Our other favorite thing is the movies.  Who needs Blockbuster, and paying almost $4 per movie when you can get them for free at your library, and keep them for a week instead of the measly 1 or 2 days that Blockbuster and Hollywood allot.  True, it’s hard sometimes to get recent titles, but again–try out the online request. Early this morning Jeff requested Spiderman 3…and it was sitting there waiting for us when we arrived at 4:30pm.  I looked online and there were no other copies available by that time in the entire county–so consider reserving ahead if you want good titles!

So anyway, libraries are really a no-brain way to save money and enjoy a risk-free way to read and watch wonderful literature and movies.  I’m excited for the days when Dutch will be ready to go to library story times, or when he can go himself and pick out books to read.  Growing up we lived at the library.  We went there every week, and read everything we could get our hands on. Plus, my mom donated so many books that they gave her a no-late-fee status so even if we were bad about getting them back we never had to pay a cent! 🙂

So check it out.  At least go there and take a deep breath, inhale that heavenly scent, and relish the fact that you can walk out with a stack of books and movies without paying a dime. Make it a habit.  Patronize the place. If you really go hog wild you can even pay $1 and get an “I love my library” sign to put in your yard.  Or not…it’s up to you.

Often when people, at least Christians, are asked, “What’s your favorite book?” such as on Facebook, etc. there is the obligatory “Well, the Bible of course, and then…” and then the list of real books begins.  But really, I think that too often I take for granted that in my own possession I have the Bestselling Book of all time, the most reprinted, the most widely translated, the most preserved from antiquity.  And not only that, I have, in my hands, the very words that claim they are breathed by God.  How sad that it is sometimes not celebrated, and truly loved and enjoyed for all its worth.

The last few weeks, I’ve really fallen in love with God’s Word all over again.  I’ve mentioned before that I read through the Bible each year, just straight through Genesis to Revelation, January to December. There are lots of neat little reading plans that dabble in the Law, Psalms, New Testament all at once, but they just confuse me and I’m pretty much a straight-through kinda girl.  One book at a time.  So usually, just because I really do love to read my Bible, I usually find myself getting ahead and finishing early.  Well not this year. I don’t have any sort of official plan, because I’ve been doing this for ten years and by now I don’t keep track of anything I just read.  But I had a hunch that I was slacking so I looked up online to see where I should be if I’m on track and let’s just say I am WAY behind.  WAY behind.  Hm.  There’s no condemnation in this, it doesn’t make me any less valuable of a Christian and certainly doesn’t mean that God loves me any less, but what it tells me is that I’m consuming less of God’s supernaturally transforming words than I have in the past ten years.  I’m thankful for this check.  I like measurable things like that because it helps keep me on my toes.

So the past few weeks, I’ve been digging in. Perfectly, and I believe divinely orchestrated by God, I’m in the Psalms.  Impeccable timing.   I’ve been whining, rejoicing, crying, praying, pleading, questioning, praising, despairing, and wondering with David, Asaph, and the other Psalmists.  And I’ve been reminded again at why this is the bestselling book of all time–because it speaks directly to our human condition.  There is nothing that transforms my life like God’s Word. There is nothing that comforts, nothing that heals, nothing that opens my heart to be purged and cleansed and renewed like God’s Word.  It’s like dialing up the telephone to God and letting Him hear my voice, listening to His, and letting the peace that surpasses understanding come and fill my heart.  This is why I love God’s Word.

So this might be super cheesy, but just as I gave some Fiction recommendations, I’d like to share some of the Psalm passages that have been ministering to me.  Also, if you’d like recommendations on Bible-reading helps, visit Jeff’s blog. He just finished teaching a class on enjoying the Bible for all its worth, and he posted resources for his students.  (Click here!) Back to the Psalms…

Psalm 5:11-12 “But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You, For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favor you will surround him as with a shield.”

Psalm 16:5-6 “O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes I have a good inheritance.”

Psalm 31: 14-15a “But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand.”

Psalm 43:5 “Why are you cast down, O my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God.  For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart–these O God, You will not despise.”

Consider re-reading the book you already own, the Bestselling Book of all time.

Really nothing deep and significant here.  Really.  Since we’re unofficially on the topic of books this week, and fiction books so far, I’m wondering why there cannot be a short-legged heroine.  I am not short, in fact I’m tall for a woman, but I have a very long torso and therefore, relative to my torso, shorter legs. I’m ok with it.  I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will never be described as “leggy”.  However, I’m a bit disappointed in the fact that in all the fiction books I’ve read (and of course, all the movies I’ve seen) I’ve yet to see a short-legged heroine.  I’ve seen skinny, full, blonde, brunette. clever, air-headed…but I’ve yet to see one with a long torso and short legs.  Even Shrek’s wife Fiona, who won my heart by being plump and green, you must admit has a pretty lengthy set of legs on her, even if they are no doubt chubby.  I’ve read five or six Rosamunde Pilcher books recently (whom I adore) and I must say that I’ve begun to notice, with a little irritation, that all the female main characters are described as having long legs, or leggy, or skinny spindly legs.  Hm.  I suppose this is just the way life is.  Short-legged girls don’t stand a chance at being the heroine.  It’s too bad because there are some good ones of us out here.  Can I get an amen?  That’s all for tonight. 🙂