Sacred Mundane: The Blog

What if someone told you they knew the source of all your frustration?  (You’d say, “I do too! I’m married to him/her!”) Really though, what if there were a key to unpacking and sorting through the frustration we feel in our lives?  I’m reading The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb right now in preparation for a week-long intensive class on marital and premarital counseling.  Larry Crabb is awesome.  While other books seem to say, “Try these behavioral techniques and perhaps you may have more positive feelings toward your spouse,” Crabb says, “To heck with the behavioral techniques, the problem is sin!”  There’s more to it than that, but it’s refreshing to read a marriage counseling book by someone who recognizes that the root of the problem has much to do with the fact that I am a profoundly sinful person who will go to great lengths to protect myself from hurt, my pride from wound, and my world from discomfort.  There is hope in that because there is a remedy for sin–the grace, power, and sanctifying work of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. Hallelujah!

But Crabb also has a keenly perceptive eye for understanding human behavior.  In his book he discusses the difference between Goals and Desires.  A goal is an objective that is under my control.  A desire is an objective that I may legitimately and fervently want, but cannot reach through my efforts alone.  Understanding the difference can be the key to understanding frustration. I suppose this is nothing more than an expansion on the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” What Crabb would say is that we should act on our goals and pray for our desires.  But unfortunately, we spend much of our time doing exactly the opposite.  We pray about the things we should be doing and striving for the things we should be trusting God for.  We’re all mixed up. 

So I think it is crucial that we work to establish this in our minds.  If we set goals, whether consciously or unconsciously, that are not entirely within our control, then we are setting ourselves up for frustration.  So, you might be saying, “Ok, but my frustration doesn’t stem from not meeting a goal, my frustration stems from my annoying roommate/spouse/child/co-worker/boss/friend.”  Understood.  Crabb explains that this frustration is a result of unmet objectives.  Objectives can either be goals or desires. Sometimes they are within our control, sometimes they aren’t, but we do well to be honest with ourselves and clearly identify our objectives and classify them as a Need or a Want.  Here’s where we’re caught red-handed.  We all are toddlers.  We all clench our fists and stomp our feet and demand a cookie.  And I’m not talking about material possessions (although we demand enough of that as well!)  I’m talking about relational comfort. 

All of our needs are met in Christ.  Period.  We are secure.  We are safe.  We have value.  We have dignity.  We have worth, love, comfort, and intimate friendship.  Though we may not feel these things, the truth is that all of our needs are met.  So when someone mistreats me, my objective is blocked.  I want relational bliss. I don’t want to be mistreated. This is a desire.  It’s not a goal because it’s outside my control.  It’s a desire.  A legitimate desire, but a desire at that. So when my objective is blocked, how I view that objective is the key to determining what my emotional response will be.  Once I recognize that it is a desire, my perspective will indicate whether I see this objective as a need or a want. If it’s a need, if I have an innate absolute need for people to affirm me and treat me well, then that objective blocked will be devestating.  It will lead to bitterness and frustration.  But, if I simply understand that that desire is a want, an extra, simply gravy on top of the deliciously rich meal Christ has already given me, then while I may be disappointed by someone’s mistreatment of me and might experience initial negative emotions, the result isn’t devestating and bitterness doesn’t follow.  My wants, held with an open hand, can be denied, my objectives blocked, but all my needs are met in Christ.  My identity in Him never changes.  Crabb takes this so far he applies it to affairs, betrayal, and intense marital strife.  He certainly doesn’t say it will be easy, but I agree that this is the key to being able to rise above mistreatments, responding with genuine emotions but not devestation and bitterness. 

Jeff knows this firsthand. He’s learning it.  And I’m more in love with my husband than ever by watching him walk in humility through some relational challenges in his life.  He’s kept this quote by Tim Keller at his side lately:

“Sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in your relationship and service to God. Sin is seeking to become oneself, to get an identity, apart from him…Sin is not just the doing of bad things, but the making of good things into ultimate things. It is seeking to establish a sense of self by making something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship to God.”

When we understand that our identity is simply and profoundly wrapped up in the glory of Christ, other things can come and go.  My wants and desires are great, and often are placed in my heart by God, but they are not what I set my heart on reaching.  I set my heart on reaching Christ.  And God has promised that when we draw near to God He will draw near to us. That is a worthy goal.  A true goal–because no person can frustrate that goal, even when they frustrate me. God has Father-filtered everything in my life for my good.  God has promised that nothing can separate us from His love, so as we draw near to Him, there is nothing that can keep us from His love.  I don’t know if God will use me to do some really neat thing.  I don’t know if my children will grow to love Him as I pray and hope and plead with Him that they will. I don’t know if I will be healthy and wealthy and wise. But I know my Redeemer Lives.  And I think He’s what I need.

I apologize for being MIA this week.  I know I haven’t really posted since the last LiveDifferent Challenge last Friday.  A few notes about life:  I’m excited about writing for goingtoseminary.com. If you haven’t checked it out, you can humor me by going there and seeing a certain someone’s silly face. 🙂  Secondly, I was accepted as a contributing writer for an online e-zine (this is not a huge deal), where I make a teeny tiny pittance of money whenever ads are clicked surrounding articles I write (basically if people read my articles and click on ads by them I get money).  Anyway, as you all know I write because it’s impossible for me not to write–it’s in my blood.  But it’s also fun to be challenged a little to write different content for different places, possibly be published at least online, and maybe, maybe, even make $2.85 so I can buy a latte. 

So, this week has had some highlights:  Monday I splurged and bought Dutch some clearance rack swim trunks for the summer, and yesterday I got a fun surprise in the mail: a package from my sister-in-(love) containing this killer brown t-shirt that has an I, then a heart, then a recycling symbol.   SHe said it was perfect for her “crunchy sister-in-law” (in Boston people called us “crunchy” because we recycled and ate organic food.  “Are you from Vermont?” they’d ask.)  So this week has been fun.  Jeff’s been home, Dutch has been hilarious (he now says “Whoa!” all the time and picks up chairs to show how strong he is), and we’ve been reading marriage counseling books for a marital/pre-marital counseling summer intensive class we’re taking next week.  (More on that in the next post…Goals vs. Desires)

Tomorrow I have a job interview at for a Community Relations and Development job at Northwest Human Services, a non-profit in Salem.  As Jeff is working 1/2 time, it’d be great to have something else 1/2 time which would equal….yes, that’s right–a real salary!  Woohoo!  🙂  Anyway, things are great here, I wish I had a huge significant spiritual epiphany to share, but I don’t.  I’m just thankful this week for the sweet pleasures of my son saying “Mama”, sitting up in bed playing cards with my husband, a fun day with my friend Megan playing Scrabble (ask her who won), a soaking wet walk in the rain with Janae and Brendon, and some really delicious new meals from Cooking Light (Spiced Korean Beef Rolls –this from the girl who doesn’t like beef! and Thai Noodle Salad – I used chicken because my dad has declared tofu inedible).  That’s all.  It might be raining all week but there is sunshine in my heart (oh my goodness that was cheesy!).  Perhaps it has something to do with our last LiveDifferent Challenge. Could it be?  I think so…

My friend Caila has a fabulous quote by Mark Twain on her blog:

“Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for.”

Well, I’ve been writing my whole life, but not very seriously until last July, so it’s safe to say that I’m still within the 3-year window where I can write without pay. I suppose in late June of 2010 I’ll be sharpening my saw… At any rate, right now I’m a volunteer freelance writer (!), so when Jeff saw an opportunity to be a contributing writer on a blog which focuses on students attending seminary (goingtoseminary.com), he signed us up. Jeff had actually already been featured on this blog, in an article about transitioning one’s soul at the end of a long day (read here) so it was no-brainer. We’re also highly qualified because…uh…we go to seminary. Click here to check out our bios.

At any rate, if anything brilliant manages to make its way through the gerbil wheel of our minds and out our fingertips and onto that blog, I’ll keep you posted. And I know several of you readers have contacted me because of your upcoming plans to attend seminary. Goingtoseminary.com is an excellent resource with humor, advice, money-saving tips, and reflective thoughts.

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On a personal note, we have a praise that Jeff did get a 1/2 time job working at our church for the summer. We’re thankful for that! And, thanks to a heads up from a friend (see Muni Diaries, right), I applied for a fantastic half-time job doing Community Relations and Development for a non-profit agency in Salem. No word yet, but we’re excited by the possibility. Until then, I’m a happy volunteer freelance writer staying one step ahead of the saw mill. Enjoy your weekend…

College was such a sweet time for my walk with the Lord. As I entered college I wanted to follow Jesus with all of my heart, but had no idea how. I’d never had a regular quiet time, had never been discipled, had never consistently read my Bible, and had a prayer life that mostly consisted of “flare prayers”, desperate pleas for help in dire relational circumstances. So when I started college I bought this really cheesy book with flowers all over the cover called Fifteen Minutes Alone with God. Yes, you guessed it, the gist of the book was learning to spend quality time with God. Then, I remember in a little Bible study, Jeremy Stewart suggesting that we all do this really cool thing called “30 minutes a day”…he called it a “quiet time.” What was a “quiet time”, I asked myself. It sounded kind of like something you make your toddler do when they’ve been naughty. But I loved the 30-minute idea, and so I dove in religiously, spending time reading my Bible and praying every day. The next year I bought another kind of cheesy book with flowers all over the cover (I don’t know what it was with me and flowers) called Calm My Anxious Heart. That one was amazing for me. It was all about contentment, and it truly changed my life. The book talked about a woman named Ella who worked as a missionary with the pygmies in Africa for 52 years. She left her family, her country, and all that was familiar. She lived in unreal circumstances, in the scorching heat and humidity of the African bush in sub-primitive conditions. Some days it was so unbearably hot she had to bring the thermometer inside because it couldn’t register past 120 degrees without breaking. Years after Ella’s death, her daughter Mimi found an old diary of Ella’s that had this prescription for contentment:

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~Never allow yourself to complain about anything — not even the weather.

~Never picture yourself in any other circustmance or someplace else.

~Never compare your lot with another’s.

~Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.

~Never dwell on tomorrow — remember that is God’s, not ours.

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I remember being amazed at this little secret. I wrote these out and put them in my Bible, I reread them over and over until they were etched in my heart. But that was almost 9 years ago. The etching has worn down, so that today as I recalled them I had to go back and find the book to copy them down for you here. It’s obvious I haven’t only forgotten them in my mind, but I’ve forgotten them in my heart.

Yesterday, during my wonderful day in Corvallis visiting friends, I had the joy of meeting up with Caila, a long time friend who is a kindred spirit in every way. Right now she lives in a state she does not consider home, in a studio apartment with her husband and toddler son–a studio, which means that the kitchen=the bedroom=the nursery=the living room. They do have a separate bathroom where their son naps! Her attitude is awesome, and she shared yesterday that at Christmas she and her husband made a pact that they would choose to never complain about their circumstances. Wow. Amen! I was so humbled by this. We have had this amazing opportunity this year, a chance to both go to seminary, to live on virtually nothing, and to have the joy of seeing Dutch play with his grandparents every day. But how much of it I’ve wasted through simply complaining, through choosing to not follow those simple five rules listed above.

Look back at that list and read it again slowly. Think about the implications for your own life. For this weeks’ challenge, I thought we’d take a week to focus on ourselves, on our speech, on the way that we can choose to LiveDifferent from the rest of the world by refusing to complain. I love that Ella says to refuse to complain–even about the weather. How easy it is as Oregonians to just casually complain about the rain. We use it as a conversation starter, but it conditions us to think negatively about this beautiful state we live in! Or, more pertinant to the current economic landscape, how often do we complain about rising gas prices, the pitiful housing market, the steep rise of food costs. Every day we can choose how to look at our situation.  Re-write that first rule and insert whatever it is the most tempts you to complain. For example, “Never allow yourself to complain about anything — not even our financial and housing situation.” Or perhaps yours is something else–it may be small or petty or it may be a significant trial, but make a decision today to LiveDifferent from the world–instead of complaining, griping, and grumbling about it, we can set our mind on God. Even if we have internal strife about it, even if daily we’re flooded with negative emotions, we can choose how we will communicate about it. Proverbs 29:11 says a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Let’s be wise about our words, because our words impact our perspective and our lives.

And please don’t get me wrong. There is a place for heartfelt complaint, for a cry to God when we hurt or when we don’t understand. Psalm 142:2 says “I pour out my complaint to [God], before Him I tell my trouble.” Prayers of complaint are neither commended or condemned in Scripture, they are simply recorded. But it is safe to say that if we are in desperate need of pouring out our hearts in complaint, God is the safest person to talk to.

So rather than attack all 5 of those contentment rules, let’s just attack the first. This week, let’s purpose in our hearts to never complain, not even about ______.  (Insert your thing) Make your reminder. Put it on post-it notes and put it on the bathroom mirror, next to your bed, in your Bible. Ask your spouse or roommate to hold you accountable. Let’s choose to–ok, gotta go, mommyhood calls (but I’m not complaining!)…Let’s choose to rejoice, let’s choose to see the good.  The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places (Ps. 16:6)…I’ve no complaints.