What if someone told you they knew the source of all your frustration? (You’d say, “I do too! I’m married to him/her!”) Really though, what if there were a key to unpacking and sorting through the frustration we feel in our lives? I’m reading The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb right now in preparation for a week-long intensive class on marital and premarital counseling. Larry Crabb is awesome. While other books seem to say, “Try these behavioral techniques and perhaps you may have more positive feelings toward your spouse,” Crabb says, “To heck with the behavioral techniques, the problem is sin!” There’s more to it than that, but it’s refreshing to read a marriage counseling book by someone who recognizes that the root of the problem has much to do with the fact that I am a profoundly sinful person who will go to great lengths to protect myself from hurt, my pride from wound, and my world from discomfort. There is hope in that because there is a remedy for sin–the grace, power, and sanctifying work of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. Hallelujah!
But Crabb also has a keenly perceptive eye for understanding human behavior. In his book he discusses the difference between Goals and Desires. A goal is an objective that is under my control. A desire is an objective that I may legitimately and fervently want, but cannot reach through my efforts alone. Understanding the difference can be the key to understanding frustration. I suppose this is nothing more than an expansion on the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” What Crabb would say is that we should act on our goals and pray for our desires. But unfortunately, we spend much of our time doing exactly the opposite. We pray about the things we should be doing and striving for the things we should be trusting God for. We’re all mixed up.
So I think it is crucial that we work to establish this in our minds. If we set goals, whether consciously or unconsciously, that are not entirely within our control, then we are setting ourselves up for frustration. So, you might be saying, “Ok, but my frustration doesn’t stem from not meeting a goal, my frustration stems from my annoying roommate/spouse/child/co-worker/boss/friend.” Understood. Crabb explains that this frustration is a result of unmet objectives. Objectives can either be goals or desires. Sometimes they are within our control, sometimes they aren’t, but we do well to be honest with ourselves and clearly identify our objectives and classify them as a Need or a Want. Here’s where we’re caught red-handed. We all are toddlers. We all clench our fists and stomp our feet and demand a cookie. And I’m not talking about material possessions (although we demand enough of that as well!) I’m talking about relational comfort.
All of our needs are met in Christ. Period. We are secure. We are safe. We have value. We have dignity. We have worth, love, comfort, and intimate friendship. Though we may not feel these things, the truth is that all of our needs are met. So when someone mistreats me, my objective is blocked. I want relational bliss. I don’t want to be mistreated. This is a desire. It’s not a goal because it’s outside my control. It’s a desire. A legitimate desire, but a desire at that. So when my objective is blocked, how I view that objective is the key to determining what my emotional response will be. Once I recognize that it is a desire, my perspective will indicate whether I see this objective as a need or a want. If it’s a need, if I have an innate absolute need for people to affirm me and treat me well, then that objective blocked will be devestating. It will lead to bitterness and frustration. But, if I simply understand that that desire is a want, an extra, simply gravy on top of the deliciously rich meal Christ has already given me, then while I may be disappointed by someone’s mistreatment of me and might experience initial negative emotions, the result isn’t devestating and bitterness doesn’t follow. My wants, held with an open hand, can be denied, my objectives blocked, but all my needs are met in Christ. My identity in Him never changes. Crabb takes this so far he applies it to affairs, betrayal, and intense marital strife. He certainly doesn’t say it will be easy, but I agree that this is the key to being able to rise above mistreatments, responding with genuine emotions but not devestation and bitterness.
Jeff knows this firsthand. He’s learning it. And I’m more in love with my husband than ever by watching him walk in humility through some relational challenges in his life. He’s kept this quote by Tim Keller at his side lately:
“Sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in your relationship and service to God. Sin is seeking to become oneself, to get an identity, apart from him…Sin is not just the doing of bad things, but the making of good things into ultimate things. It is seeking to establish a sense of self by making something else more central to your significance, purpose, and happiness than your relationship to God.”
When we understand that our identity is simply and profoundly wrapped up in the glory of Christ, other things can come and go. My wants and desires are great, and often are placed in my heart by God, but they are not what I set my heart on reaching. I set my heart on reaching Christ. And God has promised that when we draw near to God He will draw near to us. That is a worthy goal. A true goal–because no person can frustrate that goal, even when they frustrate me. God has Father-filtered everything in my life for my good. God has promised that nothing can separate us from His love, so as we draw near to Him, there is nothing that can keep us from His love. I don’t know if God will use me to do some really neat thing. I don’t know if my children will grow to love Him as I pray and hope and plead with Him that they will. I don’t know if I will be healthy and wealthy and wise. But I know my Redeemer Lives. And I think He’s what I need.