Her heart, our fears, His peace
Last night, a little parenting moment that seems so pertinent, in so many ways…
Heidi creeps quietly into the room where I’m putting clothes away.
“Mommy, can I talk to you?”
And she has that quivery voice that tells me something’s up so I turn to gather her up.
“Of course, Sweetie, what’s up?”
And then the dam breaks and a torrent of tears come, seemingly out of nowhere.
“I had my lollipop in my mouth when I was outside and it made me think that I looked like I had a cigarette in my mouth and I don’t like that. I don’t like that…” she sobs.
I smile. I don’t know what it is with my sweet girl and cigarettes but they bother her something fierce. We have a lot of loved ones who smoke, and no matter how many times I’ve told her it’s not a big deal, it still seems to bother her.
I hold her while she cries. I wait. No use correcting or chiding. She’s not misbehaving, she’s grieving. She’s not throwing a tantrum, blaming, or acting inappropriately.
She’s just sad.
Besides, we’ve done this enough times, I know there’s usually something more. Something lurking there beneath the surface.
“And then…”she takes a breath, “I had a dream. I had a dream that I had another mom and she wasn’t you and she was smoking a cigarette.”
Of course I smile at the cigarette bit, but I can understand more why the triggered sadness. There’s always something deeper, right?
I continue to hold her while she cries. I wait.
A few minutes later, she pulls away slightly to say something else. I can tell she wants to say something.
“Mommy I just … I’m … “
Her face crumples into tears again but she gets it out:
“I’m afraid of when you aren’t here on earth anymore! How can I go through life without someone on my side???”
Oh. Oh my girl. My sweet girl.
And now my eyes fill just a bit, because although I can’t empathize with cigarette-trauma, I do know this feeling.
Oh we know this feeling so very much.
How can we go through life without someone on our side?
There’s always a fear behind the fear. Yes? It might seem ridiculous, the stuff of cigarettes and lollipops, but beneath that fear there is a bad-dream, a fear that’s real. Legit even.
Sure, in some ways all our fears are unreasonable, but our unreasonable fears are usually just symptoms of a much greater fear. And the truth is:
Fear is legit. We battle fear because, quite frankly, there’s stuff to be afraid of.
This world is’t friendly. Tragedy happens. There are evil forces at work against us that could scare us out of our wits.
So it doesn’t help to launch logic-bombs at the tearful and tell them to get a grip.
So I pull my girl even closer into my arms, and we lie there on the bed, arms and legs wrapped around each other, her cheek resting on mine so that her tears dampened my dry cheek.
I get close enough that her sorrow spills over onto me.
And I offer the only real antidote to the paralyzing power of fear: PEACE.
We pray for peace. We ask God for the peace that surpasses all understanding, the peace that doesn’t make a lick of sense. The peace that defies logic and leaves us baffled at how it guards our hearts and minds … in Christ Jesus.
He is the only one who can offer this unshakable peace because He is the Prince of Peace. The world cannot offer this peace.
It’s supernatural.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27
After praying, we stay there, arms around each other, silent. I wait.
Soon, she lifts her head,
“Can we play Uno?!”
I laugh, “Of course!” and out we go to play the game together. By the time we deal she’s back to her giddy, silly, giggly, ridiculous self, and I’m so glad I got a glimpse of her heart, our fear, His peace.
Thanks for reading.
The way I see it.
Of all the shocked Americans, I may be the most.
There are a slew of status updates out there, a combination of horror, disgust, excitement, praise, lament. It’s fascinating that we can all watch the same event unfold, and yet see it in drastically different ways. So I share with you here, quite simply, the way I see it. It is my own perspective, so I share it with you not to campaign my convictions but simple to tell you my story.
I’ve shared some already here. In the midst of my Trump-disgust, we embarked on a corporate 40-day fast, and to my everlasting surprise, in the middle of the fast, I felt clearly a conviction to the core of my being, that I was to vote for Donald Trump. Not because he was a saint, but because God had a plan through this man, to “access” him somehow, for God’s glory.
I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the battle in my heart these four months has been the most fierce I’ve ever felt. God convicted me of my cowardice and called me to share my conviction publicly, first with my most cherished family and friends, and then here. The challenge was real. I have never in my life felt a conviction that my husband didn’t share. I wept in prayer, in angst, asking God to help me reconcile honoring my husband and honoring His word to me. With all my heart I wanted to be obedient, without causing division in relationships I greatly valued. Thankfully, as I prayed and surrendered, God paved the way for peace. Every word I’ve spoken or written has been with my husband’s blessing.
Quite frankly, I never in a million years actually expected Trump to win. In fact, in some ways it felt “safe” to share my conviction with people, because I was equally convinced that DT would never win! Plus, I live in the bluest of the blue states. My vote basically didn’t even matter.
But amazingly, my prayers did. As the election neared, we began to sense more and more urgency to pray. A small group of us who shared this conviction, in response to Lou Engle’s call, agreed to fast lunch for 11 days, to pray and ask God for His mercy on our nation. Each day as we fasted, I admit it seemed a little futile. Skipping lunch for a guy who basically had no chance to win? But we prayed. And I know millions of others did too.
Over the days, my prayers changed. I saw things. Realized things. Scripture leapt off the page. More and more it didn’t matter that this man DT was the “lesser of two evils.” Of course he was! Jesus Christ has never run for president so even the best candidate is the lesser of two evils. Plus, I began to see Trump’s past, his shortcomings, as potential for God to move and work, to glorify Himself.
We continued to pray. On Monday we experienced the darkest day I have possibly ever felt. It was bizarre. Hopelessness, discouragement, weird thoughts, everything going wrong. Jeff and I both felt strangely despondent. Another dear friend who was also fasting, had a severe health attack that rendered her incapable of getting out of bed. But that night, we had our weekly prayer meeting at our house, on the eve of the election, at the same time I know millions of others were too. And the heaviness lifted. We didn’t pray for DT or a certain outcome, we just prayed for God’s mercy. We prayed Joel 2:12-14,
“Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love … Who knows whether He will turn and relent and leave a blessing behind him?”
Yesterday morning, I woke with unquenchable joy, even though I figured the election was a done deal, in Hillary’s favor. The polls were clear. I figured we were done. But that morning in prayer, the Holy Spirit rebuked me—We’re not done! Keep praying. This isn’t a done deal. I texted my friend, “Let’s keep praying!” So we did, even though I honestly didn’t expect much.
That night, we went to my parents’ house. At 5pm, I joked with Jeff that we should splurge and drink a Coke that night as a consolation prize. I was 100% expecting a Hillary win. I just wanted to be there to pray and watch this whole thing unfold.
And then, before my very eyes, a miracle unfolded. Within hours, the entire election flipped upside down. Before my very eyes I saw the same vision I had seen in prayer, of states literally morphing from blue to red. Before my very eyes I saw history change. I wept. I got on my face. We prayed. We worshipped. We repented and confessed and asked for mercy. We asked for states, then watched with jaw-dropped amazement as those states gradually crept toward Trump, over and over and over.
I have never seen anything like it in my entire life.
PLEASE hear my heart. I am NOT equating Republican=good, Democrat=bad. I am not gloating, boasting, bragging. I am just as shocked as anyone else, probably more so. I do not put my hope in ANY human president. But I believe that God has a plan that is greater and more glorious than we ever imagined, even if it also includes a lot of pain and difficulty, confusion and complexity. All I know is that I witnessed a miracle last night, and I spent most of the evening on my face, worshipping our amazing God who hears our prayers.
We do not need to be afraid. Sure, we don’t know what the days ahead of us hold. WE NEVER DO. If we have EVER hoped in a person or certain government as our security, it is high time we trusted in the perfect plan and provision of God instead. Let’s stop lamenting and begin PRAYING. Let’s recognize that although we may not be in the ideal situation, God’s MERCY on us is great.
Friends, please hear me: I’m not asking you to like Donald Trump. I’m asking you to PRAY. I was so convicted by the fact that I was PRAYING over our nation, and over states, and over people, like nobody’s business last night. I am challenged to KEEP PRAYING WITH THAT SAME FERVENCY. This isn’t the end. This is only the beginning. It is time for the church in America to wake up, repent, love, serve, submit to the Scriptures, uphold the holiness of God, and birth true HONOR and JUSTICE. It’s time for America to be a blessing to the world God loves.
Let’s unite under the great and mighty name of the Lord our God, who alone is in control of this crazy world we live in. Let’s pray like never before, love like never before, and live for God like never before. Thank you for reading.
My own prayer on election day
I read Daniel all last week, Hosea over the weekend, and Joel this morning. Amos will meet me tomorrow. It just happened that way, of course, reading through the Bible, but it was no accident. The messages of these books is clear.
They are a plea for God’s people to return to Him.
I’ve prayed many and written some Daniel-9 types prayers. Prayers of repentance, for our nation. This morning I read this post, and wholeheartedly agree that corporate confession, repentance, fasting and prayer is where we need to be right now.
But I think it needs to go a step further. Or rather, closer.
Honestly, it is easy for me to publicly confess the sins of abortion, sexual immorality, racial animosity. For me personally, they are far from home. Not that I’m perfect, but I’ve not engaged in those. It’s easy for me to confess how the church has become a performance, how we’ve neglected speaking the truth, because again, not that we’re perfect, but Renew isn’t that.
Strangely enough, it’s easy to confess things that I haven’t done.
Oh wait. That isn’t confession. That’s accusation cloaked in religious jargon.
The things that are hard to confess are the things I’m actually guilty of. Specific things.
Because we sin in specific ways our confession must be as well. It’s easier to confess “the great wickedness of our nation” but what about the fact that I was terribly rude to my husband yesterday?
Honestly, of all the various articles surrounding this season, and how the church must return to God, the most impactful for me was written 200 years ago. It has to do with something so much greater than the election.
It has to do with revival. It has to do with rending our hearts, not our garments (real repentance verses outward shows of repentance) and returning to the LORD, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and He relents over disaster (Joel 2:13).
I think America is in for a rude awakening, but may it be a Great Awakening.
But while there is most certainly a place for confessing on behalf of our nation, for interceding for wrongs that we haven’t committed, if we begin there that can just lead to subtle stone-throwing. First, we must repent for the sins we’ve actually committed. Logs must come out first.
I love Charles Finney because he calls us to the hard work of repenting specifically. He says,
“General confessions of sin will never do. Your sins were committed one by one… they ought to be reviewed and repented of one by one.”
I went through his exercise at length this summer, during our 40-day fast. I highly recommend! But believe it or not, I’ve sinned since then. 😉 And sometimes, when talking about confession, it helps if someone else goes first.
- Ingratitude. Generous God, I have been ungrateful. You have lavished me with life, health, food and clothing and abundant provision, and I have OFTEN ignored your blessings and neglected to thank you for the everyday abundance that you give. More than any other area, I see this as the most-committed sin in my life, and I am so sorry for my frequent lack of thankfulness.
- Focus. Father, I have read your Word each morning, but I have often pored over the news, Facebook, and blog posts with more intention and fervor than I have pored over your holy Scriptures. At times I have probably watched the polls more than watched for you in prayer.
- Prayer. God, I have worried more than prayed. I have touted and talked about prayer, and have prayed some, but not nearly as fervently and faithfully as I could.
- Lack of Concern for the Souls of others: Holy Spirit, I have not loved my neighbor enough to seek then out and share the gospel. I seek plenty of things–I search high and low for sales and deals, I research healthy options and homeschool curriculums, I peruse Pinterest, and yet I give very little effort to seeking out those who I can share the gospel with.
- Neglect of Family. Good Good Father, I confess that even as a Stay-at-Home-Mom I often put my own needs and wants above my husband and kids. In subtle ways, I can still be super selfish in daily life.
- Worldliness. Jesus, I confess that I OFTEN love the world. I have often longed for new kitchen appliances, a prettier kitchen, skinnier legs, cuter clothes, better skin. I have often let my attention be lured back to all that the world offers, instead of consistently putting my hope in eternal things.
- A Critical Spirit. Holy Spirit, I confess that I am quick to inwardly criticize others. I am quick to make myself the hero of every situation and assume that I am right.
- Preference. I confess that I gravitate toward people like myself, who make me feel comfortable, or seem to approve of me or agree with me, and I naturally avoid those who are different, who make me uncomfortable, who irritate or annoy me. I tend to be most generous to the people I naturally like.
- Pride. Gracious God, I confess that I have often posted things on social media that are flattering toward me, or make me look good, or promote an image of myself or my family. I have wanted to prove that I am “right” more often than I have sincerely loved those who think differently from me.
- Lack of Empathy. Compassionate God, I confess that I have not been broken-hearted for those who are suffering. And yet, I want empathy and confession when I have a cold! I am a wimpy sufferer, God. I’m sorry.
God, we’re sorry. I’m sorry. We’ve not loved you with all our heart or our neighbor as ourselves. May this rude awakening bring a great awakening. Lead us back to life in You.
{Thanks for reading.}
*Perhaps, if the Spirit leads, you might share your own confession as well? Not for show, but if it is sincere. On your own FB page, your blog, or just with your church family. Let’s plant seeds of revival.
How our cause can cause a crash
Sometimes it seems like life is one long course correction. I’d venture to say I’ve probably only been “right on” course for about 13 seconds of my life. And I have no idea when that was! The rest of it is a series of small corrections—a little left, a little more, oops not quite that much, a little right, there perfect—whoops!—not so much, there we go.
Right? We veer, swerve, and narrowly miss catastrophe more times than we probably we even realize.
Recently, I’ve been chewing a lot on what causes us to become so blinded, distorted, or deceived that we tailspin out of control and plummet to our demise.
A month ago my friend had a vivid dream, which I’ll talk more about later, but it was of a plane flying backwards, plummeting toward earth, then crashing in an enormous explosion. There were some aspects that applied to a certain situation, but the overarching gist of it was the danger of the church (Christians) going backwards, being led by the tail instead of the head.
I’ve been praying about this dream for a month, so struck by its vivid imagery, asking God to show us in what ways we’re susceptible to letting the tail lead.
Turns out, there are so many ways, but the gist of it is this: When our gospel follows our cause, we’re headed for a crash. And actually, let me reword that because even “gospel” has become sort of a buzzword these days, and it’s difficult to define.
When our “God” follows our cause, we’re headed for a crash. Our strengths become weakness. Our good cause can become the very CAUSE of our veering off course.
Let me explain. I remember when God was radically ruining our lives, in the best way, by giving us a love for the poor and a desire to ditch the American dream and live differently, I was absolutely obsessed with this newfound love and passion. Which is GOOD. It was God’s leading, and so incredibly fruitful in our lives. But, in the middle of that there was a danger. There was a subtle tendency to filter everything through my “give to the poor” cause. This is a great cause, but IF I shift my focus off of HIM and onto “my cause”, I begin leading with my cause, and the whole thing gets wonky and weird. I cannot tell you how many times He has had to course-correct my life so that I’m not letting my cause lead my life. See, there are so many great causes.
We can be all about serving the poor.
We can be all about “encountering the presence” of God.
We can be all about creating a “safe space” for seekers.
We can be all about signs and wonders.
We can be all about stopping abortion.
We can be all about foreign missions.
We can be all about planting churches.
We can be all about “winning souls.”
We can be all about healing.
We can be all about a certain method of preaching.
We can be all about upholding traditional marriage.
We can be all about racial reconciliation.
We can be all about discipleship.
We can be all about “relational evangelism.”
We can be all about Bible Study.
We can be all about the environment.
We can be all about loving the LGBT community.
We can be all about loving Muslims.
We can be all about America.
We can be all about homeschool.
We can be all about Israel.
We can be all about a certain political candidate.
We can be all about the KJV.
Clearly not all of these are AS noble of a cause, but different people are ALL ABOUT each of these things. It might be easy for us to see how becoming ALL ABOUT this cause can lead us astray, even those that seem the “highest” or most noble. (Arguably, “making disciples of all nations” encompasses pretty much everything, Jesus seemed to place this pretty high up there.)
But, the thing is:
No CAUSE is meant to lead our lives.
Christ is meant to lead our lives.
Please hear my heart: MANY of these things listed are AWESOME. They are passions of mine. Bring up some of these things and I can get fired up in no time flat. We invest thousands of dollars each year to some of these things. And, some of them are clearly more biblical than others. Many of us need MORE of a cause in our lives. This isn’t a post excusing apathy! 🙂 My point is, when our CAUSE (no matter how good it is!) becomes what drives our lives, we begin flying backwards and are prone to crash.
No cause was meant to lead our lives.
Now, again, this most certainly isn’t something we can judge from the outside. The last thing we need is more fodder for Facebook rants and mud-slinging. Let’s look at ourselves for examples of this. Scripture tells us to “examine yourself, as to whether you are in the faith.” When a cause leads our lives, we become narrow-minded, we love less and judge more, we reinterpret Scripture to fit our cause. We criticize those who don’t champion our cause.
But Christ is the only one who can safely steer my life. Christ is the only one who can lead this plane into safe landing at the end of the age. Christ Himself, who never does MY bidding but demands I do His, for my own good.
Seeking God has got to become our focus, our gaze, our goal, our aim, once again. Ministering to Him, loving Him, seeking Him, worshipping Him (minus strobe lights and fog machines) must become what leads my life.
God, help us let You lead.
{Thanks for reading.}