Like sparks from the fire
Hello dear friends, it’s good to be in this special, sacred space again! I’m Caila, an old college pal of Kari’s: partner in shenanigans, fellow blond, and another mom who loves to chat about the Sacred Mundane. You can visit my blog, CailaMade, to learn more about me and my adventures in sewing and other creative pursuits. I’ll be here at SM all week while Kari is traveling. We are going to have fun!
Now, where to start? I could tell about the time I first heard Kari mention the words, “Sacred Mundane” (I was a senior in college), or the time we got stuck on the East Cost after 9-11 and had to sleep on airport floors and share packs of underwear from Walmart because our luggage was locked in the plane. Or, I could tell about college women’s retreats where we would study the Bible but not shower for days on end. Kinda gross, eh? It was fun!
Years have passed since those college days and the troubles we faced when we were young and inexperienced. Those troubles seem so small in retrospect, but they were significant then. My shopping addiction (embarrassing, but true), Kari’s unrequited love for Jeff Patterson that turned out not to be so unrequited after all. Huge worries that kept us up all night, and kept us on our knees, as we begged God to make our paths straight and clear.
Now that I’m a mother of three, a wife, and a homemaker in our a small, blue bungalow in Southern California, I can’t help but look back at little college Caila and shake my head fondly. She didn’t understand what great troubles and great joys were coming her way. In a thousand answered prayers I’ve seen a thousand ways I need to grow in strength and perseverance to honor God with this life he has given me.
As my life grows and expands, I’ve noticed that joy and trouble seem to come hand in hand. More children = more joy = more trouble. Becoming new home owners = more joy = more trouble. Bringing home a new Golden Retriever puppy (her name is Athena) = more joy = more trouble.
Yeah, it’s true. With every new and good thing, comes more responsibility. It’s a heavy load to bear sometimes.
But that’s life, isn’t it? The good and the bad. The beauty and the trouble. It reminds me of this great moment from the Princess Bride between Westley (when he’s disguised as the Dread Pirate Roberts )and Buttercup:
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Westley: Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
It’s true. As much as I wish it wasn’t, trouble and pain are just part of the deal. Whenever I feel depressed because things are harder than I expected I remember this verse from the book of Job, chapter 5 verse 7:
“But man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward.”
As the sparks fly upward. In other words, trouble is to mankind like physics is to nature. It’s a law that life must follow. Trouble is as natural as joy.
Maybe wishing things were easier is part of the problem.
Perhaps, my daily struggles as a mom are compounded by expecting things to be so much easier. Maybe some things are just hard, and with time I will get strong enough to carry them more easily, but in the mean time there is nothing wrong with hard. Hard prepares you for what’s ahead. Hard means you’ll be stronger for the next load.
I’ve spent too much of my life waiting for easier. Easier ain’t coming. Easier doesn’t exist. She’s like that model on the cover of a magazine, airbrushed to perfection. She’s not the real deal. Easy has no place in my home, because “easy” doesn’t grow trust, or love, of faithful perseverance. Easy grows laziness, and believe me, there’s no room for lazy in my life.
So I guess what I’m trying to say, mommas, is this: Don’t be too discouraged when it’s hard. I know how it feels when the baby wakes up for the millionth time at night and you don’t think you can take another wakeful moment. You can. You are strong enough.
I know how it feels when your husband has to work another late night and he’s bringing home the paycheck but it feels like everything else is on you all the time. You can handle it. You are strong enough.
And do you know why you are enough? Not because you and I are perfect or extra-special. Not because we posses the secrets of the universe. No. We are strong enough because God, who is rich in mercy, has been making us strong enough since we were born.
You have been prepared for this. I have been prepared for this. And if it feels hard, that’s because it. is. hard. But it’s beautiful-hard. And beautiful-hard is better than everything that comes with easy, which is usually very little.
Be encouraged today. Keep pushing on, keep doing well, beautiful mommas. It will get better. And then maybe something else will come along to try your strength. In this life, always expect trouble with the joy. But remember that JOY will win in the end.
Bless you today!
Parenting with Love and Logic
Right now I’m finishing up a book called Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. I feel like I have an amazing privilege in that I’m currenting taking a class on Biblical Perspectives of Family Ministry. Well, we spend the majority talking about marriage and parenting…uh yes please! These books are underlined, highlighted, and dog-eared not because I’m hoping to get a really good grade on the final. I’m right in the thick of the battle! With an almost-two-year-old who daily pushes the limits, I’ve found the information we’ve encountered invaluable to say the least.
(The other excellent book, called The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, by Drs. Jack and Judith Balswick, who both teach at Fuller Theological Seminary, is probably the best overview of biblical family perspectives that I’ve read (although that’s not saying much, I haven’t read a ton). I will review that book once I finish. It’s more of a book on theory, however, comparing and contrasting secular theories with biblical perspectives. More on that later.)
Parenting with Love and Logic is all about teaching children responsibility through choices. They assert that “beginning at about 9 months of age with very simple choices — the parent must make a gentle, gradual transition to allowing their children the privilege of solving their own problems.” One thing that both family books have emphasized is that kids develop their self-image based on what they think their parents think of them. In essence, they think, “I don’t become what you think I can, and I don’t become what I think I can. I become what I think you think I can.” By allowing our children to make choices, we are in essence empowering them and communicating that we think they are capable of making successful decisions on their own.
The idea of choice has stuck out to me for awhile. Our dear friends Adam and Grace Poole, probably more than any other phrase, say to their children, “Son, make a good choice” (they have 4 boys under the age of 5). They are always emphasizing that their children, at each moment, have a choice to make, that they are not victims, and that they as parents are giving their children the freedom to make that choice.
What Fay and Cline would say is that by allowing the children to choose, and therefore to fail at times, we let the natural consequences teach the lesson, rather than our annoying nagging voice. At times, artificial consequences may have to be created if a certain behavior doesn’t have immediate consequences, but as much as possible, they suggest parents provide controlled choices, and let the consequences speak for themselves. It sounds a bit fishy huh? I mean how can that really work? They then go on to provide 41 real life scenarios, ranging in age from 11 months to 18 years, and give examples of how to put this principle into practice. I’m already finding myself thinking through how I talk to Dutch, giving him opportunities rather than barking orders. Obviously at his age the choices are still pretty limited (yogurt or banana, which book to read, which toy to take to the park, play nicely with us or play by himself in his room).
The thing that strikes me as so powerful about this concept is that this is how our Heavenly Father parents us. Who is a better example of loving perfect parenting than our Father? He does not force us to obey. He doesn’t even outrightly punish us. He let’ the natural consequences of our actions (and the hindrance to fellowship with Him), drive us back to obedience. It is through the painful consequences of our actions that we see the error of our ways. Yes, He reveals His will to us through His Word, the same way that we as parents reveal our will to our children, through expressing (not nagging) what the best choice would be. But does he turn the hammer into a noodle right before we smash our finger? No, he let’s us smash our finger. He does step in occasionally, as He sees fit in His infinite wisdom, to protect us from harm, but in the everyday things of life He lets the natural laws of nature run their course.
This is connected to so much more than parenting. I just graded 25 Theology papers on “How can a good God allow so much evil in the world?” Theodicies abound, but the parenting principle above really sums up the answer. True choice necessitates the possibility of evil. It is not evil in itself, but it requires an alternative to what is good. By allowing evil, God is acting as a good parent, allowing the natural consequences of our actions to draw us to Him. Yes, it’s not that simple … but it almost is.
So, I’d recommend Parenting with Love and Logic. It’s available at most libraries, so go check it out. Although, I’m not telling you to…the choice is yours.