Weakened Men & Damaged Women

[A conversation this week brought this to the forefront of my mind, thoughts from Feb 2008.]

Today I was struck by an excerpt from Larry Crabb’s book Inside Out (an excellent read).   He hits on a key component of what it means to be affected by the fall as men and women.  We were created male and female, the only human distinction verbalized by God as part of His original plan.  Race, personality, hair, eye, height, intellect, and emotional distinctions would arise with time but in the very beginning this distinction stood.  And it was good.  Very good.

But how has this been corrupted through the fall?  While men were destined to enter into the world strongly, providing for their families with servant leadership, they’ve been tainted by weakness, a deep sense of inadequacy and impotence.  The man will now battle forever the unspoken fear that he does not measure up.

While women were destined to enter the world courageously giving of themselves vulnerably through talents, wisdom, kindness, warmth, and support, she now has a deep sense of disappointment—for her man has failed her.  As a result, she no longer has the confidence to be vulnerable.  She is threatened and now feels, as Crabb says, “compelled to defensively control her relationships.”  The woman will now battle forever the unspoken fear that to be vulnerable is to be hurt.

Who has not experienced this? Who has not witnessed it in our marred world?  Women want men to step up and be strong, but men don’t know how to do that because they’re so afraid of admitting that they don’t know how, so instead they respond by overcompensating—through harshness or lording over or gruff, hard exterior.  On the contrary, others just give up and give in to passivity, to steer clear of the danger of failure.

Men want women who will praise, love, and support them.  But we’ve swallowed the lie that to be vulnerable is to be hurt, so we protect ourselves.  When we’re not led, we’ll do it ourselves.  We’ll do our best to attract men because that makes us feel secure, but we won’t truly let our guard down because then our worst fear may be realized—that we’re not truly beautiful and will therefore be rejected.

How can we right this? Crabb would say, I believe, that we do this by repenting of our fear of self-protection.  Men, it’s ok to admit that you don’t have a clue!  That’s ok!  Women, it’s ok to admit that we’re scared to death to let all our defenses down because people might see that we’re not that pretty after all.  Women, let men fail and praise them still.  Men, let women be imperfect and praise them still.

This is why pornography is such a sick, twisted temptation from the pit of hell.  Men are able to engage sexually without any fear of failure—there is no one there to criticize them!  They can satisfy themselves with no vulnerability.   In the process, women are demoralized and objectified and can no longer function as vulnerable beings because they are so afraid of not being as beautiful or skilled as the covergirl. This is obviously only one repercussion of the fall, but it is a telling one.  Our male-female relationships have suffered.  Can we restore them?   Can we try?

We can, by God’s grace, and we must.

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How do you see this dynamic at work around our world and in your sphere?  Men, do you feel a need to overcompensate? Women, do you feel a need to control? Jeff and I can both relate to these feelings — Praise Jesus He is continually redeeming ALL that was lost in the Fall.

Thanks for reading.